Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  Bernard watched Eleanor’s face as she told her tale. Sometimes she stared across the room as if looking into her past, and other times she looked into Bernard’s eyes, especially when she told him about her love for Sebastian. The way she looked at him, went straight to his heart. It was almost as though she was confessing her love to him, and he had to remind himself that it was Sebastian she loved, not him. She could never love him the way she loved his dashing cousin, and the thought brought a familiar envy to his heart. It seemed the his cousin still stood over him in that old familiar way, that he resented so much.

  He understood why she was attracted to Sebastian, and yet Sebastian had been confused about his love for her, until he realized he had lost her for good, and was about to die. He seduced women so easily, and then, when he finally he discovered a woman that he was willing to spend his life with, having her meant he would have to give up his livelihood.

  Sebastian had been about to give up everything for her, after all, Bernard realized, but maybe he was only willing to do that because he thought he was dying, and there was no way he would really ever be able to be at Eleanor’s side. He tried to convince himself of that assumption. Sebastian never deserved this woman, he kept telling himself.

  Bernard had been surprised when Sebastian had begged him to go find Eleanor, and make sure she and the child were all right, begging him to assure her that he loved her and would always love her. And then he had said in a low voice. “I think when you meet Eleanor, you will understand my need for a woman like her.”

  Now he was beginning to understand how true that statement was. He wondered at the fact that Sebastian had trusted him to come here and meet the beautiful woman that Sebastian loved. He must have truly wanted his cousin to know why he was so in love with Eleanor, even after all that had gone between them. Maybe it was because he was so close to death, it didn’t matter to him any more, Bernard thought.

  When Eleanor finished talking, Bernard could not take his eyes from her face and she started to smile, a little embarrassed, while her eyes darted away from him.

  “It is your turn now,” she told him, bringing her eyes back to his. “You must tell me about yourself, and about Sebastian as well, since I knew very little about him.”

  Bernard cleared his throat. He wasn’t quite sure where he should start, but Eleanor had started at the beginning of her life, so he decided he would tell her the background of his and Sebastian’s life.

  “Sebastian’s father, and my father were brothers, and they both married sisters, so this made Sebastian and myself, almost brothers. On top of that, we were born on the same day and almost looked like twins. Everyone thought we were twins for the longest time, and we used to pretend that we were, telling people that we were, when we were young lads. We were very close when we were small, more like brothers than cousins, but even then not only were we very different from each other, but so were our fathers. I suppose that is what made us so different from each other as well.

  “Sebastian’s father was a sailor. He seldom saw his father for the first ten years of his life, which made him and myself much closer. When his father was away at sea, his mother would come and stay with us, because she was so lonely, and she and my mother were very close. So Sebastian and I spent a lot of time together growing up.

  “My father was an accountant. He was not adventurous like Sebastian’s father was. He wanted security and safety. He told me never to go to sea, that it was dangerous and he would not be surprised if Sebastian’s mother ended up a widow. He made me face the reality of life. The boring parts that made up his own life. I resented my father, because I wanted to be like Sebastian’s father, and he would never allow me to even dream of following in his brother’s footsteps.

  “Several times Sebastian and his mother got to go with his father on short voyages, and I envied Sebastian the adventure and excitement he was getting to share with his father, while I sat and learned my sums and how to be a dutiful, responsible child.

  “Sebastian’s mother did not become a widow. When Sebastian was ten, she was carrying a child, and when she gave birth to that child she died, and the child, which was a little girl, only lived a few days. Sebastian’s father never saw the child, because he was away at the time and didn’t even know his wife was about to give birth. When he returned, he took Sebastian out to sea with him and taught him how to become a sailor himself.

  “After that, I did not see Sebastian much. About every six months, or sometimes a year, they would come to visit us. I realized how much Sebastian had changed, growing up on the sea. His life was a constant adventure, while my life seemed boring compared to his. He would tell me of all the ports he visited and all the strange customs of different people all over the world. He told me of close encounters with pirate ships, and I lived for the times he would come and tell me of his adventures, while hating him for being able to have them, while I stayed safely on land.

  “When Sebastian was sixteen, there was a storm at sea. He told me of the incident when he returned home. One of his jobs was to climb the mast to tie down the sails, and when a storm arises, the sails have to be lashed, so the mast is not snapped by the force of the wind in the sails. Also, if the sails were up, a strong wind could capsize the ship, or a high wave could fill the sails and break the mast. His father commanded him to lash the sails, but he was so frightened, that he refused to climb them. His father beat him until he bled, yet he still would not go up the mast. He called Sebastian a coward and sent him below. He said when they arrived at port, he was going to put Sebastian off and leave him, because he was no son of his.

  “Sebastian watched his father climb the mast in his stead, and suddenly a huge wave pushed the ship up and it tipped. Then another wave came crashing down over the ship and swept Sebastian’s father off of the mast to his death. Sebastian blamed himself for his father’s death. But he also realized had his father not died, he would have been left in some foreign port to find for himself. He hated himself for the coward his father claimed him to be, but knew it would have been him being swept off the mast, if he had obeyed his father. So he was torn, blaming himself for his father’s death and yet hating his father for saying he was going to disown him and leave him ashore. For about a year, he did not go out to sea again.

  “He began drinking and spending his time with what ever woman would let him in her bed. He told me I didn’t know how to live, and I should sample women as well so I would know what I was doing when I finally found a woman who would have me.

  “That summer, I did find a woman, but of course I would never dream of bedding her. I loved her and intended to ask her to marry me, when I turned eighteen. Sebastian laughed at me, and said she would never stay true to me, and he would prove it. And prove it, he did. Within a week he had seduced her as well, but like all the other women, once he had her, he was not interested any longer, and went to find someone else that met his fancy.

  “I hated Sebastian for that. I also hated the girl he had stolen from under my nose, and Sebastian and I became very distant cousins because of it. He apologized, but I would not accept his apology. He said he did it for my own good and tried to encourage me to seduce women the same as he, but I refused to have anything to do with him.

  “A few months later, he went back to sea. He told me before he left that he was going to make something of himself. He would show his father what a true sailor he was, and eventually he would own his own fleet of ships. By the time he was twenty, he had become first mate to the captain, and when the captain died at sea, he took over the captain’s duties. He was so successful, that he was given his own ship, and eventually he was able to buy the ship, because he never spent his money, except maybe on a woman from time to time.

  “As he built his fleet, he started thinking he needed something more. He needed a son of his own that he could teach to be a sailor. He vowed he would never treat his son the way his father had treated him. He met this beautiful woman, whom he was determined to marry,
Annie Bell Stanton. What he did not know, was that Annie was more like Sebastian than he knew. She had many lovers, that he was not aware of, since he was at sea most of the time. I was one of her lovers. Not because I loved her, but it was my way of getting back at my cousin. When she left him for someone else, I told him about our affair, I taunted him and laughed, saying he had gotten his own back, for all the women he had taken advantage of over his lifetime.

  “He was about to kill me, and perhaps Annie as well, but he thought better of it, in the end and said he would find the right kind of wife. A virgin who had not known the touch of a man. Someone who would stay true to him and give him children. He insisted England was the place he would find this woman. That was the last I heard of him, before he returned half dead.”

  “But he didn’t find a virgin,” Eleanor, choked.

  “Perhaps that was another way fate had paid him back,” Sebastian murmured. “But apparently he did not care. He had done his share of sampling women and so he could not hold anything against you. He was even willing to claim the baby, because he felt responsible for your downfall. Teddy told him about you throwing yourself at Percy, because you feared you would have to marry a merchant marine. How strange that must have been for him.

  “He was proud of what he had accomplished, but you saw a merchant marine as a lowly person. Someone you feared being the wife of. Not only did he feel responsible, for what Ned had done as well, but he wanted to prove to you that he was worthy of you. He believed you to be more worthy than he ever was. The struggle for him, was after finally proving to his dead father that he was a worthy sailor, he fell in love with someone who would take him from the sea. It must have been very difficult for him.

  “I think he insisted I come here because he knew you needed someone that would stay and help you. Someone who did not care about the sea. Somehow he knew the sea would claim him again, even if he did marry you and resolve to remain by your side. It was in his blood, Eleanor. Sailors are a strange breed.”

  “If you hate the sea so much, how can you take over Sebastian’s fleet?” Eleanor asked suddenly.

  “I don’t hate the sea. It just is not under my skin like it was under Sebastian’s skin. I don’t have to be on a ship, to run the fleet. I can do it all from shore. My father taught me how to be successful with the books of a business. He and my mother died of small pox a few years ago. There is nothing to hold me to America. I can remain here and keep Sebastian’s business afloat, so to speak, because while I do not wish to be at sea any longer, as I did in my youth, I know a good seamen when I meet one and will know who to trust when it comes to manning the ships. I know the kind of goods to transport and buy, and where to send the ships to get them.

  “But I will remain on land. As soon as I dispose of Sebastian’s house in America, I am returning to England where I can be close to give you any help and support that you need.” Bernard took Eleanor’s hands in his once again. “You can count on me, Eleanor. Sebastian trusted me to help you and I hope you can trust me as well.”

  “I knew nothing of Sebastian, until now,” Eleanor, breathed. “I think I know more about you, than I ever knew about Sebastian, and I was willing to trust him,” she told him.

  “I will not let you down, Eleanor. I am at your disposal always.” Bernard looked deep into Eleanor’s eyes. He knew what he said was true.

  He was beginning to pretend to himself that Sebastian had sent him here to meet Eleanor, because he would realize that she was the kind of woman that could make him happy. Sebastian had stolen his dream of a faithful love when he was a young man, and now he was giving Bernard the opportunity to turn the tables on him, and hadn’t even realized that’s what he was doing.

  Eleanor was a woman that Sebastian realized he could not stay dedicated to because of the sea that was in his blood. Perhaps he had not intended to marry Eleanor after all, Bernard decided. He had told him, to comfort Eleanor and assure her of Sebastian’s love, which is what Bernard had done. Even though he felt in truth, Sebastian could never love her more than he loved the sea, no matter what he said about going back to England and claiming the woman he loved. How could he do that though? He had been on his death bed.

  It frightened Bernard a little, as he came to this conclusion. This woman needed time to discover who she was and what she wanted from life. She was an heiress, that all the men in the area would pursue. Her heart had been broken and trampled on by others, and she had lost the man she loved. It would be difficult to step into Sebastian’s shoes, because was nothing like Sebastian. What Eleanor saw in Sebastian, she may never see in him.

  He realized how much Garth loved Eleanor, as well, and how hard he was trying to just be her friend. He knew Garth did not like him, and neither did that Dutton fellow, who had been her dinner partner, but now that he knew Eleanor’s story, he also knew what part Dutton had played in all of this. There was no fear that Eleanor would ever go to Dutton. But Garth, may present a problem, he thought.

  “Are you as hungry as I am?” Bernard asked suddenly.

  “Did you hear my stomach growl?” she asked with a laugh.

  “It is probably about dinner time,” he surmised, taking out his watch and looking at it. “Yes, I do believe it is,” he smiled. Bernard rose up off of the bed and strolled to the door. “Think I will try it one more time,” he told her. He put his hand on the knob and turned it. The door opened easily.

  Eleanor jumped to her feet. “You opened it!” But when she saw the grin on his face she realized it had not been stuck in the first place. “You cad! You made me believe…”

  Bernard put his finger over her mouth. “I needed to get to know you better, in a place we would not be disturbed, in a way that you would not try to pull away. I hope you will forgive me for deceiving you such.”

  “I shall get you back for this,” Eleanor threatened.

  “And I will be looking forward to it,” Bernard laughed, as he held the door open for her. “I think it was the ghosts of the past that kept us there, though,” he insisted, giving her a serious look. “Telling you Sebastian and my story has given me a new perspective on my life, and his as well. I am glad he sent me here to meet you,” he said softly.

  “I am glad you came, as well,” Eleanor replied, as their eyes locked for a moment.

  All he could think about was how those lips that were turned up to him might taste, but he managed to put the thought aside. “Dinner is probably waiting,” he said, his lips so close to hers that he could have stolen a kiss.

  “I suppose it is,” Eleanor breathed, not moving, but he straightened up and took her hand.

  “Then we had better get going,” he said in a matter of fact voice, as he led her back down the hall, and then to the steps. No use rushing anything, he decided. She was way too vulnerable right now anyway, and if she ever fell in love with him, he needed to know it was Bernard she was falling for, not his cousin Sebastian, all over again.

  Apparently no one missed them, which made it a good thing they were really not stuck in that room, Bernard thought. The knob had been stiff, when he first tried to open it, which gave him the idea to claim he couldn’t open the door. He had been thinking he just wanted to escape, and had wondered what would happen if he wasn’t able to open the door? The thought made him decide he had to stand his ground and at least get to know the girl better. Once she heard his story, she could make up her own mind. So he fabricated the story of not being able to open the door, and silly girl, she had not tried to open the door herself. Maybe she wanted to be stuck there with him all along, he thought.

  After dinner Bernard sat with Lord Boyd in the smoking room, as Lord Boyd enjoyed a cigar and told of his adventures over his life time. He told of how surprised he was to discover he had a grand daughter and how sad he was that she had lost the baby. But there would always be time for more children, if Eleanor ever decided to get married. He was afraid this whole affair had put her off marriage for good and he hoped that was not the case.
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  Lord Boyd gave Bernard an appraising once over, and smiled. He looked enough like Sebastian, he could pass for the man, he thought. But there were many subtle differences. There was a solid dependability about Bernard that he had not noticed in Sebastian. But then he had met Sebastian only once. Still he liked Sebastian’s cousin, and hoped he would remain long enough to help Eleanor get over her loss. Eleanor seemed to like Bernard as well, he noticed, for all her trying to act like he was not important to her. She never looked at Garth that way, and he was aware that she genuinely liked Garth. At the same time, she also looked a little scared, like she was afraid to actually like Bernard, but Lord Boyd was hoping that would pass in time. The sooner she got over this strange charade, the better her life would be for it, he decided drawing on years of experience that was under his belt.

  Sebastian certainly made things even more complicated claiming that Eleanor was his wife and leaving her all his holdings. This was a funny business, he thought. Eleanor certainly did not need the money, but Bernard had come to execute the will and maybe that was the whole point to the reason Sebastian had done it, he thought. It was like he was reaching out from the grave to make sure Eleanor was well looked after, even in his death. He must have truly loved the woman.

  Bernard felt tired. It had been a long voyage and then he had attended the dinner party and taken Eleanor to Clifford House the next day. Too many things were happening all at once. He could barely think. In two days, his life was suddenly changing. He thought he had merely come to assure Eleanor of Sebastian’s love for her, which Sebastian had begged him to do, and a whole kettle of worms had suddenly been uncovered, putting him in a position he had never been in before. He couldn’t make up his mind if he liked it or not. This had not been how he had planned on discovering the woman he loved, yet somehow Sebastian still had this woman he bemoaned. He would have to find a way to just wrench her away, like Sebastian had wrenched his first love away from him all those years ago.