Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  The only difference was his competition was not here to use his charms on Eleanor, even though those charms still seemed to hold her captive. But Sebastian had not cared about Bernard’s heart all those years ago, when he took the beauty away from his fantasy of true love. Therefore, Bernard tried not to think of what Sebastian may have thought of his need for Eleanor now.

  He excused himself from the smoking room, and started up to his room.

  “Are you turning in?” Eleanor asked from behind him.

  He turned to see her coming up the hall towards him. “Yes, it has been a long two days, not to mention my voyage here,” he admitted.

  “I hope you rest well,” she said politely.

  “I am sure I will,” he told her.

  “You may sleep in if you wish. Breakfast is not formal, just a buffet that is kept warm until about eleven. You are free to serve yourself,” she informed him.

  “Thank you,” he said. He couldn’t think of what else to say, though he wanted to remain talking to her, for some reason.

  “Well, here we are,” she pointed out as she stopped in the hall between the two doors that led to their rooms.

  “Yes, I see that,” he replied, but did not reach for the knob to his door.

  “Do you have everything that you need?” she asked, noting his pause.

  “I am sure I do,” he said, but he knew he needed much, much more. There was just no way to tell her what it was he really needed.

  “Is there anything I can get for you, or do for you?” she asked, as he stood looking at her expectantly.

  “I…I can’t think of anything right off,” he said, though he could think of many things, which he could never mention.

  “Are you sure?” she asked.

  “About what?” he asked back.

  “About not needing anything?” she responded.

  “No, I am not sure of anything,” he whispered.

  She laughed.

  “You have a very lovely laugh,” he said.

  “Sebastian told me that once,” she replied without thinking.

  He stiffened. “Well good night,” he muttered.

  She grabbed his hand. “I…I…” she didn’t know what to say. She knew it upset him when she said that. He had always felt inferior to his cousin when it came to attracting women and she couldn’t even let him give her a compliment with out reminding him that his cousin had said the same thing.

  “You what?” he asked, when she didn’t finish.

  “I…I…just wanted to say thank you for saying that about my laugh, I don’t find many things to laugh about much any more.”

  “In time I am sure you can be happy again,” he told her truthfully.

  “I hope you are right,” she answered. She was still holding his hand, and they both looked down at her hand that was clinging to his.

  “Are you going to be all right?” he asked, sensing that she needed something from him, but didn’t seem to know what.

  “Yes, yes…I am sure I will be. Only…only, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed talking to you today.” she said at last.

  “Not as much as I enjoyed talking to you,” he told her. “I hope we will have the opportunity many times to share our thoughts with each other.”

  “Yes. I would like that,” she smiled. She felt him squeeze her hand.

  “Then sleep well,” he whispered, pulling her closer and kissing her cheek.

  “Thank you, I will,” she stammered, as she looked up into his eyes, that kept pulling her back to memories of Sebastian in spite of her wanting to see Bernard for who he really was.

  He let go of her hand, and turned to his door, opening it, and going in. Eleanor stood for a moment before she turned to her door as well. When she shut her door behind her, she leaned against it and tried to clear her confused thoughts. She had learned so much about both Sebastian and Bernard, and there were things she had learned about Sebastian that troubled her, yet it made little difference now, she thought. Bernard seemed to think that perhaps Sebastian never would have been able to remain by her side, because the sea would eventually pull him away from her. While Bernard had vowed to remain close in order to help her in any way he could, she wondered how reliable he would be in following through with his offer?

  Everything was happening too fast, just like it did when she first met Sebastian, she realized. Her world had been turned upside down back then, and had it not been for finding her grandfather, perhaps Sebastian would have persuaded her to marry him. Either that or she would be on her own trying to raise a fatherless child, she thought sadly.

  Now that Bernard knew all the details of her sordid life, she wondered what his true opinion was of her. He acted like he cared, but he said Sebastian had gotten his own back because she had not turned out to be the virgin he was hoping for, so what about Bernard and the kind of woman was he looking for, she wondered?

  He claimed he had only been in love once, and Sebastian had taken that love from him. Yet he had a meaningless love affair with Sebastian’s intended wife, claiming it was merely to get back at Sebastian. Was he really that vindictive, or had he just decided to follow in Sebastian’s footsteps and sample women as he pleased? Did he continue to feel contempt for Sebastian’s mode of taking advantage of women? Would he try to take advantage of her in order to have what Sebastian once had?

  What difference did it make, she wondered? He claimed he had merely come to help her deal with Sebastian’s affairs, which she whished she did not have to take on. Yet he had said he would stand by her, and be at her disposal. That in itself lifted her heart, and frightened her at the same time.

  Could she really trust him? Could she trust any man? Even Sebastian was not the man she thought he had been. She consoled herself with the thought that at least Bernard would be close at hand so she could see him often, and share time with him, in order to get to know what kind of person he really was. Eleanor realized for the first time in a long time, she was beginning to feel a little light hearted. She felt her old spirit starting to rise again, and she knew that Bernard was the reason for it, but was it safe to even feel that way?

  Eleanor got ready for bed, and was about to blow out the candle, when she heard a tap on the door. She pulled on a deep green wrapper over her white nightgown and went to answer it. Bernard stood in his shirt sleeves, smiling down at her. “May I come in?” he asked, almost shyly. “I have something I need to give you.”

  Eleanor opened the door the rest of the way and allowed him into the room, but left the door ajar.

  “It completely slipped my mind until I started unpacking the rest of my things,” he explained. “Sebastian said that the two of you married in such a rush that he hadn’t had the opportunity to give you the wedding ring he had gotten for you. He was getting it sized at the time.”

  He took the ring from his pocket, and took Eleanor’s hand in his. “With this ring, I do wed you to my cousin,” he whispered. “After we sign the certificate that Garth produces, you will feel more officially Sebastian’s widow,” he promised.

  Eleanor looked down at the ring. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” she cried softly, putting her hand on Bernard’s arm. “It’s not right. You should have your cousin’s estate, not me,” she insisted tightening her hold on his arm and looking up into his eyes pleadingly.

  “But don’t you see? I will have my cousin’s estate, through you, while I protect you from the slings of the world. The estate means nothing to me though. You are the only reason I am here. And I will remain here for as long as you need me. You can send me away tomorrow, if you choose, but I will not leave willingly, until you have no further use of my services.” His green eyes penetrated Eleanor’s dark ones. “I hope you will never stop needing my services,” he whispered.

  Eleanor took in her breath, but did not reply. She was afraid to reply. She tore her eyes from his and looked at the ring on her finger. It did not feel natural on her finger, she was thinking. She shouldn’t be wearing Sebas
tian’s ring, pretending she was his widow, while Bernard pleaded at her with his eyes. “Is that all you had to tell me?” she asked at last.

  “What ever else I need to say can come another day,” he replied, as she lifted her eyes to his once again. “It can wait. Just know you can trust me, Eleanor. I know you have had a hard time up until now, with men trying to use you, and wanting to marry you. Even your friend Garth hopes against hope…I can tell.”

  “He has hinted as much, but my heart is not ready…” she did not finish.

  “I know,” he whispered. “Just let all of this wash over for awhile. In the mean time I will take over the shipping company, but I am not like Sebastian. It is not my life. I will have plenty of time to help you as well, so don’t refuse me. I know Garth thinks he can look out for you, but my life will be dedicated to it, since there is nothing else holding me from fulfilling Sebastian’s dying wish. Only I will have to return to America, for a time to tie up his holdings there. But I promise you I will return as soon as I possibly can. So when I leave, do not think you have been abandoned.” He put his hand on her other arm. “Tell me you trust me,” he stressed in a imploring voice.

  “I…I trust you,” she whispered so low, he could barely hear her.

  “Just keep that in mind,” he reminded her, and he pulled her into his arms, holding her against himself, encouraging her to lay her head on his shoulder, as he stroked her tangled dark hair. He let the smell of it waif into his very soul, and his hold tightened against her. He wanted her safe in his arms, but it was too soon to expect complete trust from her. Until then he just had to encourage that trust in him to grow, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to go about doing that, since Eleanor probably did not even trust her trust in men any more.

  Bernard felt firm and strong against Eleanor’s body, her head fit so easily against his shoulder, but he was so much like Sebastian in looks and stature, when she closed her eyes, it was like Sebastian holding her again. How could she separate the two, she wondered? Even his voice had that same accent and tone. It was almost like Sebastian coming back from the dead, giving her a second chance to do everything different, but would she? Would she continue to make all the same mistakes she had made in the past? Was she her own worst enemy? All she knew was that she felt safe, there in Bernard’s arms. But she didn’t know what she was safe from. She had trusted too many times before. Could she ever trust again, she wondered?

  Bernard kissed the top of her head and pushed her gently from his arms. “If you need anything. The smallest thing. The most outrageous thing, it matters not. I am just across the hall, so don’t hesitate to call.” he breathed, and then he was turning towards the door, and before Eleanor could even ponder on what he had said, he had disappeared into his own room. Just across the hall, she thought, as she closed her own door, and finally climbed into bed.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Two days later, Garth arrived with the needed certificate, and Bernard filled in all the details, and then both Eleanor and Bernard signed it. “There,” Bernard said with a satisfied smile on his face, hastily folding the document and putting it in his breast pocket. “I will take this back to the states with me, take care of the legalities of the transferring of the business and disposing of Sebastian’s home, and then return here. It may be a few months before I see you again,” Bernard told Eleanor. “I have to set up Sebastian’s shipping company with the right men that I can trust. Most of those already working for Sebastian can remain, but there were a few that I never did like, and told Sebastian so.”

  “Eleanor will be in safe hands,” Garth informed Bernard.

  “That is what good friends are for,” Bernard replied. “I am sure you are one of Eleanor’s friends that she can rely on. But when I return I will be at her total disposal for anything she may need,” he informed Garth.

  Garth only looked at him, wishing that he could tell Bernard that was not necessary, but of course he knew that now that Bernard had gotten his foot in the door, it would not take long for him to get his whole body in.

  He glanced over at Eleanor, who was looking at Bernard in the same way he had seen her look at Sebastian that one time he had seen them together. This pained him, but he said nothing. At least the man would go back to America for a time, and perhaps never return. In the mean time, he would talk Eleanor into letting him remain at Clifford House where he could be of better service to her, and during the time that Bernard was away, no telling how much might change, he thought cunningly to himself.

  “Do go in and serve yourself breakfast,” Eleanor offered Garth. “Bernard and I have eaten, but we will join you after you eat,” she promised as she took Bernard’s arm and followed him out of the study and towards his own room.

  “I must make arrangements to leave at once,” he told her. “The sooner this is all over with, the sooner everyone’s life can get back to normal. I will leave most of my things here, since I have more at home, and will only take what I need for my voyage. It will reassure you of my return,” he told her. I plan to sell all my own holdings once I return, what little there is, so nothing will hold me to America.”

  “You are welcome to remain at Clifford House as long as you wish, when you return,” she offered.

  “I am glad you have offered it,” he said softly, leaning his head closer to hers. “There is no other place I would rather be. I understand why my cousin was so much in love with you, that he offered to give up the sea, and claim your child, and marry you at any cost, even after death,” he breathed.

  “You grab the heart of every man who comes near you, Eleanor. But you don’t put enough worth on yourself. You are worth more than you believe. Not in wealth, but in character. You have stood strong in all of this. You must continue to stand strong. Do not think because you made mistakes in your past that it holds you from having all the happiness you desire. I want you to have all the happiness you desire. I will breath my last breath making sure you have all the happiness you desire. So don’t give up on me, because you may not see me for a time. You will be in my thoughts always.”

  Eleanor reached her hand to his cheek. “I believe you,” she barely breathed, and in the next moment he had placed his mouth over hers and given her a passionate kiss, but before Eleanor could even lean into the kiss, he was pulling away.

  “Go to your guest,” he insisted. “I need to get ready to leave, and you will only distract me from it.”

  Eleanor drew her hand to her mouth. “I…I will look forward to your return,” she said, but she didn’t know if he had heard her, because his head was bent and he was rushing away like he had regretted ever kissing her.

  Now what did he do that for, he was asking himself? He had planned to take things slow, and here, after only two days, he was acting like a love sick puppy. He hoped he had not scared her off with that kiss. But her lips had been so kissable and being the clueless person that he was, when it came to women, he wasn’t sure what to do about his urgent need to kiss her before he left her for no telling how long.

  He had longed to kiss her the night before when he held her in his arms, but he did not want her to think he was trying to take advantage of the situation, her being half dressed, as she was, and him in shirt sleeves in her room at night. Men had seduced her before, and he didn’t want to seduce her, he wanted her to fall in love with him, the same way he felt he was suddenly falling in love with her. Way too fast, he realized, but the months he would be away would give him time to think how he was going to resolve all of this. It would give her time to think things out as well. He just hoped nothing would change while he was away, but even if it did…he patted his breast pocket where the marriage certificate was safely put. That was his real insurance, he thought to himself, but so much could happen in a few months, that it worried him.

  Eleanor and Garth saw him off, as he took the hired carriage back towards where Sebastian’s ship was waiting for him. He did not look forward to the long voyage to America, and then the time it wou
ld take to get everything in order, but that was what he was there for, he told himself. Soon all of this would be behind him, but what was going to be before him, he wondered? He did not want to count on too much in case he became too disappointed when the time came. Bernard worried what would happen when he returned to America, in order to further his plans.

  Garth casually put his arm on Eleanor’s shoulder, as they watched Bernard’s carriage disappear down the long drive which led into the village.

  “You look all worn out,” Garth stated. “All this business of getting the estate in shape and throwing balls, along with dead husbands that really aren’t husbands. You need a rest from it all. Why don’t you come to London with me and I will show you the town. You being a widow, there should be nothing to prevent you staying at my townhouse.”

  “But if I am in grieving, which I am, seeing as how I have lost the man I loved, it would not be right to go about London having a good time,” she insisted.

  “We will keep it all low key. Wear dark clothes, and we will just do mildly fun things,” he laughed softly.

  “I…I don’t know…” she faltered.

  “You need to distract your mind, and what better way to do it, than to see the sights of London, and take in a play or two? I am sure it will make the time go faster, and brighten your spirits.” He tilted her chin up so she would look at him. “Then when I bring you back here, I will stay and help you out here, while you wait for Bernard to return. I told him I would look after you, you know.”

  Garth was so kind, she thought. Perhaps it would do her some good to get away for a bit, and visit London. She nodded in assent. “I suppose it won’t hurt,” she mumbled.

  “There. That wasn’t so hard was it?” he said. He glanced down at her hand. “I have not seen that ring before,” he mentioned. “You never wear jewelry. Did Bernard give it to you?”