The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  Now she’s mad at me! That’s great.

  “You remember what you said earlier about me always having a choice?” I glance over at her. She’s not looking at me anymore.

  “You’re right. You always have choices, but when you grow up you learn that your choices have consequences and not all of them are good. I try to think rationally because I’m an adult. I have responsibilities and I’m not a self-absorbed asshole.” I’m trying to make a point but who am I kidding. She probably likes that quality. She married Cal – a selfish asshole – if ever I knew one. She looks at me a long time before turning away. I see surprise, anger, and disappointment all rolled in one in her expression. This trip definitely did not go the way I imagined it would.

  The next day is a long one. I had planned to take the day off, but after yesterday’s fiasco I jumped at the chance to teach when they called. Anything to stay busy, to keep me from brooding over everything. That's worth more than the money. The tension in the house is high. My dad’s not thrilled about Lauren possibly moving to town. I don’t know if she’s even still contemplating it after what happened last night. My mom is sad that there are only three days left before Caylen leaves.

  I don’t know what to make of Lauren's anger. She’s beyond angry, she’s enraged. At breakfast she barely said a word to me other than a short good morning and I don’t think she would’ve even said that if my mom hadn't been at the table. It’s different from when she stopped talking to me the week before. This time it’s like daggers shoot at me whenever her eyes light on me. I feel like I should apologize to her for what I said but I’m really not sorry. I told her how I felt, which is exactly what she told me to do. I guess she probably had something different in mind and that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

  Cal’s annoying commentaries have been silent. It’s the one time I wish he would share how to get back into her good graces. I’m almost home when I get a text from Jenna telling me she wants to see me. I haven’t spoken to her since the dinner debacle. It’s almost six o’clock by the time I arrive at her house because I had to fill in for one of the coaches for practice today. I stopped at Olive Garden and grabbed some dinner hoping to share a quiet, peaceful evening the way we used to. I ring the bell and hear her call that it’s open. When I see her on the couch my heart starts to beat faster. Her hair is piled up messily on her head and there are tears running down her cheeks. I put the food down on the table next to the door and go over to her.

  “Jenna, what’s wrong?” I ask squatting down in front of her. She continues to cry and hands me her tablet. When I look at it my stomach drops. I see pictures of me but I quickly realize that it’s not me. It’s Cal and Lauren on their wedding day. There are loads of them.

  “Where did you find these?” I ask her carefully.

  “On the internet. Turns out their wedding was apparently a big event,” says wiping her eyes.

  “Keep going there’s more,” she says, taking the tablet from me and going through dozens of photos of Cal and Lauren. They look normal. They look happy. Worst of all they look like they're in love. I take the tablet from her and she lets it go without a fight before covering her face with a pillow. I try to think of something to say to comfort her but I’ve never been good with words. I rub her back. I feel sick. I’m the reason she feels like this, that’s why she’s crying, why she’s hurt.

  “I didn’t want it to be real,” she wails. “I didn’t want what they had to be real. It’s one thing for them to have a child. People have kids all the time and aren’t in love but this… This makes it real,” she sputters.

  “Tell me,” she squeaks out sitting up.

  “Tell you what? I’ll tell you anything, to make you stop feeling like this,” I say putting my arm around her.

  “Tell me you don’t love her,” she says looking me directly in the eye and I think my heart almost stops.

  “Those pictures aren’t of me, Jenna. I don’t remember any of that,” I say, taking her hands, trying to comfort her.

  “That’s not what I asked you. I’m not talking about Cal. Tell me you don’t love her. You, Christopher. Tell me that you don’t have any feelings for this woman,” I look into her watery blue eyes and I want to tell her what she needs to hear. I want to say anything to make the pain she’s feeling go away. I want to tell her the feelings I have are Cal’s, not mine. But if I did, it would be a white lie. There are a lot of reasons I have feelings for the woman in those pictures and Cal isn’t one of them.

  “I—I can’t.”

  Chapter 53

  Lauren

  I want to be mad at Chris. I really do but it’s hard to stay mad at someone when you replay their words in your head and they make absolute sense. That and the fact that when you scowl at them their eyes smile back at you as if they were never mad at you in the first place. I know he was mad. That's the first time I had ever seen Chris angry at me.

  He was right, of course. I probably shouldn’t have gone at Helen the way I did but that was Lauren breaking free of all the emotions that I kept neatly tied up in a pretty little package. I hadn’t been that person in so long, I wasn’t sure she still existed. I don’t think Chris liked what he saw. He looked at me with such disappointment. It’s the only way I could describe it. But the next day it was gone, as if it had never happened. Cal could hold a grudge as long as I could. And our fights didn’t end easily. Most of time they culminated in angry sex.

  I think that’s out of the question for Chris and me.

  I feel badly now. I really messed up a chance for Chris to talk to Helen and Dexter. I don’t want to hear from either of them. I don’t trust them and it’ll be a long time before I can forgive them. But I know Chris wants any and all information he can get. I can’t imagine only seeing pieces of the puzzle that is your life. That’s what caused me to suck it up and apologize to Helen.

  She quickly accepted. I guess being a psychiatrist, she understands why I did it. On the other hand, Dexter looked like he wanted to have me thrown out on the sidewalk.

  She’s agreed to meet with me, at my house. I don’t think I’ll be welcome in theirs for quite a while but I don’t plan on making any social calls anytime soon. I apologized but I’m not sorry in the least, not for what I did to her. I’m only sorry it interfered with what Chris wanted to accomplish. I’m heading back to Chicago so I can meet with her tomorrow afternoon. She says she thinks it will be good for us to talk. That she has a lot to tell me that I need to hear. I don’t want to hear anything from her. I’ll just sit there until she agrees to tell Chris everything he needs to know and gets Dexter to do the same.

  Mrs. Scott is glad to have some extra time with Caylen since we’ll be heading back to Chicago soon. Chris and I haven’t had a chance to talk about my getting a house here. Everything was just moving too fast on my part and going back home made me realize how much I love the city and miss it. I adjust my bag on my shoulder as I walk to my car. I look up and see Chris parking his truck. I let out a deep breath as he approaches.

  “Hey,” he greets me with a small smile.

  “What’s the bag for?”

  “I’m going back to Chicago. There are a few things I need to take care of and I didn’t think it’d be a bad idea to take some things back with me. I’ll be back tomorrow night,” I respond.

  “By yourself? At almost seven in the evening?” He seems upset.

  “I’ll get there before the clock strikes midnight in the Audi. I’ve made drives like this by myself to my aunt’s house a thousand times,” I assure him. There’s a steady wind blowing around us so when I smell expensive perfume, I know he’s been with Jenna and I suddenly feel like this conversation is a waste of my time.

  “See you, Chris,” I say getting into my car leaving him standing outside. I put my key in the ignition and he knocks on the window.

  “I’ll come with you,” he says. It’s funny that he doesn’t ask, he just sort of says it.

  “Why?” I ask him curiously.
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br />   “Because you shouldn’t drive alone that far this late,” he says as if it’s obvious.

  “I’m a big girl Chris,” I laugh. His eyes find mine and he smile at me.

  “I know,” he says.

  “Let me go tell my mom and say goodbye to Caylen. I’ll be right back.” And with that he heads into the house. I feel myself getting a little excited. Then I think of how he smelled like Jenna’s perfume and my excitement evaporates into thinly veiled disappointment.

  “Where did this storm come from?” I ask. It’s raining so hard I can barely see where I’m going. We’ve only been on the road for about an hour and a half when the rain came, accompanied by loud thunder and lightning.

  “We need to get off the road,” Chris says.

  “We’re not going to make it to Chicago.” I pull out my phone and ask my search engine to find the nearest hotel. It lists several of them. The Detroit Marriott sounds like a winner. I change the route option to lead us there.

  “The Marriott’s a little expensive for two rooms,” he says.

  “Of course we need two rooms,” I mutter under my breath. I see him glance at me and sigh. The twenty minute drive takes us about forty minutes. When we finally pull up to the hotel, the valet parking attendants are fully equipped with big rain coats and huge umbrellas.

  “Thank you so much,” I say loudly over the rain.

  “No problem,” the valet says walking Chris and me over to the entrance of the hotel where we pay him and get a ticket. We’re virtually dry as we walk into the large upscale hotel. I haven’t been to one of these since Cal. We walk in and it looks relatively empty aside from a few businessmen scattered about the lobby. It’s beautiful, but unfortunately for Chris, it’s a high rise.

  “I’ll go get the rooms,” Chris says. I stop him and hand him my credit card.

  “I’m not going to take your money, Lauren,” he chuckles and I laugh.

  “My money is kind of your money,” I smile. He frowns, still not taking the card from me. I guess he thinks of it as Cal’s money, and of course, he doesn’t want anything of Cal’s. Which leaves me little hope in all this. This is going to be a long trip.

  Chris made sure to get us two rooms. We go into mine first. It’s a nice size. There's a standard queen sized bed with a down comforter and flat screen TV. Hopefully, we won’t be here for more than a couple of hours, which is why I don’t understand why we couldn’t have shared a room. Though, I guess that would be disrespectful to Jenna, and we wouldn’t want that.

  Ugh. I can’t get the smell of her perfume out of my head and I feel annoyance and agitation seeping through my pores. I try not to think about them together but smelling her on him meant she had to be close enough to... Ugh. I won’t think about it.

  I won’t.

  “This is pretty nice, huh?” he says cheerfully. I can feel my expression set into a scowl.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, noticing it.

  “Nothing,” I say flashing my fake smile as I sit on the bed and turn on the television. I flip through the stations until I find the news. The newscaster’s talking about severe thunderstorm warnings in the area.

  A little late for that.

  I see Chris pull out his phone charger and plug it in.

  “I must have not been getting phone calls earlier. All these messages just came through at once,” he says aloud, sitting at the little desk. He puts the phone to his ear and frowns.

  “The volume's really low. Do you mind if I listen to these on speaker?” he asks. I nod giving him the okay as I wonder if they have any good stuff in that mini bar.

  “Hi Christopher, it’s Mom. I’m worried about you and Lauren out there. There’s a storm warning. Please call me and let me know you’re safe. Your father and I are worried,” Chris smiles and so do I.

  His mom’s such a sweetheart. I can’t believe I thought for a second she’d hide the fact that he had a child from him.

  “Chris it’s me. I really need to talk to you. It’s important so, uh, when you get a chance can you let me know a good time we can get together. Soon okay? And at my house,” I glance over at him. That’s Lisa’s voice. She sounds distressed and maybe just a little bit tipsy.

  “You think everything’s okay?” I ask him and he rolls his eyes.

  “She’s fine, it sounds like she’s been drinking,” he chuckles and I nod. That she did.

  “I’ll text Aidan asking him to go check on her, just in case,” he says casually. The next message that plays causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.

  “Christopher, I love you so much and I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I don’t want this to be the end of us.” I immediately sit up in the bed. Chris quickly takes her message off speaker. I look over at him questioningly. Did they have fight? If so what about?

  “I’m going to go check out my room,” he says, taking his charger and phone with him.

  “Okay,” I say simply, but I really want to know what the hell just happened. Did they break up? My heart starts to beat wildly in my chest but then the pessimistic side of me notes how quickly he’s gone in the other room to call her back. If they were just off, they probably are about to be back on. I grab the remote and turn off the TV. I fall back into the bed letting my head come down hard on the mattress.

  “What am I doing?” I mumble aloud to myself as I cover my face with my hand. I’m pathetic. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself.

  Why doesn’t he want me?

  “Because he wants her that’s why,” I mutter to myself. And like the genius I am, I let him think that I’m okay with it because it’s best for Caylen. That’s what I tell myself, but really it’s because I’m a coward. A coward that’s too afraid to lay her cards on the table and say how she really feels because she’s scared of having her heart broken into a million pieces. I bite my nails. I have to know what he’s saying to her. I make my way over to the double door and open it slightly.

  “I do love you, Jenna,” I hear Chris say and I quickly close it again. Of course he loves her. When will I just give up?

  I need a drink.

  I head to the mini bar and am utterly disappointed with its contents. The only thing that look’s mildly appealing is a mini Heineken beer and I’ve never really been a beer drinker. I look back at the door and hope it’ll put me in a mood where I won’t cry or completely snap. A few moments later I hear a knock at the door. It’s Chris wanting to make sure I’m decent before he comes in.

  “Come in,” I say flatly. I glance over at him. He looks relieved, like a heaviness has been lifted, happy. I bet he’s happy because he and his lady love are back on good terms.

  “Any more of those?” he asks enthusiastically and I look at him in surprise. He doesn’t drink.

  “You don’t drink,” the words come out sharper than I intended. His eyes narrow in on mine and he frowns.

  “Let me guess, Cal doesn’t drink?” he says, sarcasm creeping into his voice. “I’m not Cal, Lauren.”

  Is he serious? I stand up and grab my purse.

  “I’m more than aware of that, in case you didn’t know,” I say angrily. I’m sick of him and his snide remarks about Cal. Like he’s the worst person in the world. News flash – his girlfriend doesn’t win any prizes in the personality department.

  “Where are you going?” he asks, surprised.

  “I need a real drink,” I say before leaving him standing in my room.

  “What are you having?” the bartender asks me as I settle onto the plush leather bar seat. At first I was going to ask for a glass of wine but that’s what the old Lauren would have ordered. I need to be a new Lauren. The Lauren who’s bold and gets what she wants.

  “Reyka on the rocks,” I say with a smile. There aren’t many people at the bar and he sets me right up without any wait. I grab a straw and take a sip, God, this is disgusting but drinking vodka on the rocks looks a lot better than doing shots as if I were still in my early twenties. I’m halfway through m
y glass and I’m already starting to feel better. The music that was putting me to sleep initially doesn’t sound all that bad and I start to feel light, warm and tingly. I end up ditching the straw, down the rest and alert the bartender that I want another.

  “Lauren Brooks,” I hear a somewhat familiar voice say. I look up and see a tall blonde man in an expensive looking blue suit. I don’t recognize him but he looks like he’s someone important, maybe head of hotel security. Oh gosh, what did I do now?

  “I’m sorry. Have we met before?” I ask hesitantly. He’s pretty cute and when he smiles at me I feel myself start to blush.

  “Oh don’t break my heart. Was I that forgettable?” he asks flirtatiously taking the seat next to mine. Who is this guy?

  “Bartender, rum and coke for me and a Long Island for the lady,” he says turning his body towards me. I survey his face closely and it hits me.

  “Jason Daniels!” I say, the realization dawning on me. “Wow, you look great,” I say nudging him. He always was attractive but he’s definitely grown into his looks.

  “Thank you. You’re still as stunning as the day I first met you,” he says before taking a sip of his drink.

  “You remembered my drink,” I say, surprised before I take a sip.

  “Of course I did,” he says with a laugh.

  “How are you? What are you doing in Detroit?” I ask.

  He tells me that he’s in a more prominent position and in town for a story. That he’s now an investigative reporter, a long way from his entertainment fluff section. He talks about the cases he’s worked on and the places he’s traveled. I remember Jason always did like to talk about himself and I’m not sure if it’s just the vodka or the Long Island iced tea, but he seems a hell of a lot more interesting tonight than he was before.

  “What about you? Are you still in Chicago?” he asks and I nod.

  “Isn’t that a coincidence? So am I,” he says leaning into my space.