The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  It’s nothing. You have to remember you aren’t the only one dealing with a less than ideal situation.

  “Wait a minute, Collin?” I am surprised and laugh. I almost forgot the guy’s name. She nods slightly. I throw my head back and laugh again, but I can’t help feeling slightly satisfied that it wasn’t Cal. I sort of know how he operates at least, but this Collin I don’t know anything about. The satisfaction I felt starts to sink as I realize he could be worse… or better. I steady myself for more answers.

  “So, what’s his deal?” I try to keep my voice calm. “He wants to take over my life too? Does he want to kill anyone?” I ask her jokingly, but my tone is serious.

  She shifts in her seat again. She’s quiet a moment, contemplative as if trying to choose her words and that’s something I really haven’t seen her do before. Lauren usually says what’s on her mind.

  “Collin’s different from both you and Cal.” Her eyes are still glued to her hands, and it takes a few moments before they reach mine again. I asked her this question before, but back then she said she didn’t really know him. Almost two months gives her plenty of time, and I feel my heart flinch in my chest.

  I wonder if she slept with this guy and if she likes him more than Cal and me.

  That’s not important right now, Christopher.

  Christopher. I don’t call myself Christopher. I try to calm my thoughts, drown them out… is this guy talking to me?

  “Chris, are you okay?” Lauren looks extremely concerned.

  I swallow hard and nod. “Yeah I’m okay.” I try to wipe the frown from my face. I’m okay, just maybe hearing someone else’s voice in my head! She looks at me skeptically, and I smile weakly at her.

  “I’m fine, go ahead. Tell me more.” I plead with her. “How…is he different from me?” I ask again because Lauren’s opinion of this guy means a lot to me. She actually gets to know all of us firsthand. I only get to hear things secondhand, or with Cal I see some of what happened with him, when he feels like sharing I guess.

  “He’s smart,” she starts quietly. Her eyes widen. “Not that you and Cal aren’t.”

  I bite the inside of my jaw, trying to remain unbiased. “Go ahead, no disclaimers needed.” She looks at me trying to see if I’m telling the truth. “Seriously, talk to me like I’m not me… or them… like I’m Hillary or actually Angela.” She grins, but I can tell she feels a little more comfortable and less hesitant to talk.

  “He’s very refined. You could probably see that if you checked out his closet.” She chuckles lightly. I force a smile.

  “He’s very into the work he does at Crestfield Corp. He likes to read, he’s not as unpredictable as Cal is but… I never really know what he wants…”

  “What do you mean?” I lean forward. She gives me a half-shrug, then sits up straighter in her chair.

  “With you and Cal… I know that you both are against… integrating. I know if you could choose, ideally it would be just you.” I can’t disagree with her on that. If there was a magic potion or pill, I’d take it in a second to get rid of them and whoever else wants to be in control of my life.

  “But with Collin, I’m not sure. He says that he wants you all to integrate, and he doesn’t seem scared or opposed to it at all.”

  I look at her in disbelief. “You’re saying he’s neutral?”

  She looks at me blankly. “I think so…”

  I fight the urge to laugh. He’s neutral, yeah right. If he were neutral, he would have told me a long time ago that he exists.

  “So you’re saying he has no interest in being the last one standing?” This time I can’t help but laugh.

  “I don’t know. I only know what he says. As far as I can tell if he wanted to be… he’s in the best position for that to happen,” she says quietly, her eyes on the table. I feel my face scrunch up.

  “What?” I ask her, not able to cover my frustration.

  “He knows more about what’s going on than you and Cal. I told you what he’s told me, but after him being here I think he may have more control than you… and Cal...” she says hesitantly. I lean forward to make sure I ’m hearing her correctly.

  “He told me when you were coming back,” she adds quietly, and my mouth falls open. That’s how she knew it was me, why she had my favorite sandwich ready, and didn’t look shocked. I stand from the table and pace the kitchen trying to get rid of some of the nervous energy building inside of me. I grip my head.

  “But I’m not a doctor, and I don’t know if he’s telling the truth. Maybe he only guessed this time, or maybe he knows every time. You need to talk to Helen. He scheduled appointments for you every day for the next week.”

  “Oh, so at least I’ll be here for a week,” I say sarcastically. I watch her head drop to her chest and realize I’m upset with the wrong person. I’m taking out my frustration on her, and I don’t want to do that. I asked her to tell me about this guy and she did, and now I’m punishing her for it.

  “I’m sorry, Lauren. I don’t mean to take this out on you.” I sit back down at the table. She smiles at me, but it’s halfhearted. We’re quiet for a few moments.

  “How are you doing?” I don’t think I’ve asked her that in a long time. I know what I’m going through, but I can’t even put myself in her place. She smiles, but it’s tight.

  “I’m here,” she says simply.. Guilt courses through me. I’ve got to get it together for her and for Caylen.

  “Where’s Caylen?” I ask, and her face brightens up.

  “I asked Angie to take her today, and she’s bringing her back tomorrow morning. When Collin told me you were coming back, I thought we’d need today to get adjusted to everything.”

  I’m irritated that he’s the one who gets to offer Lauren a solution, even if it is temporary.

  “Did he say why I was coming?” I hate how ridiculous I sound.

  “He said you needed to talk to Helen to get stable for integration.”

  I fold my hands tightly together on the table. “Do they know about him. Dexter─”

  “Yes.” She interrupts me. Figures…

  “So he’s the smartest, knows the most. What else should I know? Two months is a long time,” I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice, but I fail.

  Over the next half hour, Lauren fills me in on his daily work schedule, how he’s met my mother and how she doesn’t hate him—which in my mind means that she likes him if Lauren’s trying to edit her words to protect my feelings. She says he gets along well with Caylen, which should make me happy but it doesn’t but I keep a straight face not letting her know that this conversation is making me feel worse instead of better. Regardless of how it makes me feel I need to know these things. Knowledge is power and I’m at the low end of the totem pole, and that’s got to change. It turns my stomach to think of sitting with Helen—her being in charge of my treatment, knowing all of our secrets—but I’m starting to realize shutting her out, and making her my adversary wasn’t a good idea. I realize seeing her alone isn’t the smartest thing. I have to see another doctor. I need Lauren’s support, and I can’t shut her out this time. I need all the support I can get. If this guy has all of the memories, I need to have all of the people. I have my parents… my stomach drops thinking of that situation. The good thing is my mom is coming. Even if he set it up, I’m her son—I’m who she raised. I think of my dad and our last conversation.

  “Has he spoken to my dad?” I can see I’ve surprised her by referencing him as my dad.

  “No, he hasn’t. When we were there, he stayed away from him,” she says quietly. I fold my hands together tightly. I’ve got to talk to him, even if it makes my blood boil to think of it. I can’t believe what he did to my mom, to our family, to Lisa—well, he didn’t do anything to Lisa, if anything they did things to each other—but I know without a doubt if he’d be on anyone’s side it’s mine, and I’m going to need his help.

  “There’s another thing,” she says as she clears her throat. Gr
eat.

  “Go ahead,” I tell her trying to keep my voice steady.

  “I’m opening a gallery.”

  The fist around my heart loosens. “Really?” I am in shock.

  “Yeah, we have the space. I’ve ordered the furniture and I have already set up artists to feature.” She seems happy, but her voice is on the edge of nervous, and I’m not sure why.

  “Lauren, that’s great. Wow. That happened fast.”

  “I-I didn’t do it alone though,” she says shakily, rubbing her arms. I feel my brow arch.

  “Collin, uhm he sort of bought the property and did some of the groundwork,” she mutters.

  I feel myself flinch. “Oh,” is all I can manage to say.

  “I just… I didn’t want to mention it but, I want to be honest with you. No secrets between us.”

  I can’t say what she just said doesn’t sting. He bought her a gallery and helped her open it. While Cal and I drive her crazy, he swoops in and becomes the good guy.

  “You deserve it, Lauren.” I walk over to her and pull her into a hug. She feels so good and smells as good as she looks. She rests her head on my chest and relaxes in my arms.

  “I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this,” I whisper to her, she looks up at me and smiles.

  “I’d rather be in it than out.”

  I kiss her forehead. “Did you miss me?” I didn’t want to ask, but it just comes out.

  “Of course I did,” she tells me, and her expression is so open and honest.

  “So you were okay while I was gone?” She nods and I’m glad that she was okay, but I can’t say that it hurts. With Cal, he usually screws something up when he comes back, but with this guy…

  “Were you happy?”

  Her smile fades. “Let’s not do this Chris.” She steps away from me.

  “It’s just a question,” I say, but my voice sounds desperate.

  “There’s not a right answer for me to give you, is there?” she asks sullenly.

  “I want you to be happy.” I mean it with every fiber in me.

  She nods, a sad smile on her face. “But only if it’s with you right?”

  I start to say that she’s wrong, but is that what I want? Do I only want her to be happy with me and miserable with them? No, I don’t want that for her or Caylen. But what does that mean? Is she saying that it doesn’t matter if it’s with me or not? I feel my jaw flinch.

  “That’s what I thought,” she says quietly, but she looks more disappointed than angry, and that hurts more than anything because I can’t help her. Hell, I can’t even help myself.

  “Your appointment with Helen is in an hour.”

  I used to hear the word integration and just hoped for that to mean I’d be fixed. Now when I hear it, it makes my blood go cold.

  Before this guy appeared I always thought if integration ever happened, it’d be me in the end. Now I’m terrified because if this guy knows so much, isn’t against integration, and wants this to happen—what if it’s not me—what if I’m an alter?

  No, that’s ridiculous.

  I know one thing. I’m the hero, and the hero always wins.

  “It’s good to see you, Christopher.” Helen saunters into the office. It’s different from the one I used to see her in. This one is bigger, more modern, large picture windows overlooking the backdrop of the city. It’s also on the nineteenth floor, which didn’t help things. I try to push down the seething resentment I have when I see her and Dexter. I thought I’d gotten over it, but each time I see them it starts to peek through.

  “I wish I could say the same thing,” I tell her adjusting my position in the chair I’m in. It’s more like a sofa than a chair, and it’s too comfortable. Maybe it’s here to make you think you’re having a simple conversation with a friend than a visit with a doctor—or in my case a doctor that deliberately keeps things from you.

  “Yes, I can imagine I’m not on the list of your first people to see.” She doesn’t look the least bit offended at my statement. She settles into the chair behind her desk. I remember her other desk being bigger, there was more of a separation between us.

  “Why did you come?”

  “Because Lauren said I have an appointment,” I tell her tightly. My plan to make friends with Helen is off to a terrible start. I’m not a pretender or an opportunist. How do I do this?

  “But that doesn’t mean that you had to come does it?”

  And just like that, I’m already annoyed at the questions she’s asking.

  “You’re angry with me,” she says pointedly. My initial reaction is to tell her I’m not, but if I’m being honest, I am.

  “It’s okay, Chris. You can tell me that.”

  Of course I could tell her that, but it doesn’t really matter how I feel towards her. I need her if I want to get better. I have to talk to her.

  “You seem to be in deep thought. You do know this is a safe space. Nothing you say will offend me, and I won’t use it against you.”

  “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about my condition. It seems like if you’re on anyone’s side, it’s Cal’s or… this Collin guy for all I know,” I tell her pointedly.

  “It was a decision made by several parties who all share your best interest. You weren’t ready to know at that point. It was a very difficult decision to make, but one that was ultimately decided for your benefit.”

  “Who were the several parties? My parents, Dexter or Cal and Collin?” I ask her pointedly. “And how do you think I can trust you after hiding something like that from me?”

  “I understand that you feel you can’t trust me. It was a risk I knew would have consequences when the decision was made. However, I do promise you, from this day going forward if you choose to continue to see me that I won’t keep anything from you.” Her voice is even, calming almost. If I didn’t know her, it could possibly lull me into believing her. What use is the promise of a liar?

  “Regardless of how you feel about what happened, I can help you. I am highly qualified and I do my job extremely well. Things have changed since we used to meet. You are aware of your condition and have a foundation that I can build on. I can help you.” Her tone is more direct instead of the pacifying one she used earlier.

  I fold my arms across my chest. “And what exactly does helping me mean?” I ask her coldly.

  She smiles as if my attitude doesn’t bother her. “What do you think helping you means?”

  “Integration. That’s what the solution is right?” I ask.

  “Is that what you would want?” Her question catches me off guard.

  “What do you mean?” I ask her, sitting up in my chair. What does it matter what I want, it’s the plan, the solution I thought.

  “I always thought that that was the answer, that’s what all of the websites say.”

  “The majority of people who suffer from your disorder find peace with what integration is. Do you know what integration is?”

  “It’s when all of us come together.”

  “Do you understand what that means?’ She asks, and I’m quiet. I don’t really understand what that means, and that’s the scary part about it.

  “We’ll be one, all of us…” I clear my throat. Just the thought of being one with them terrifies me.

  “And how do you feel about that?”

  “Honestly,” I laugh coldly.

  “There is no point to these sessions if you’re not honest.”

  “I don’t want to be one with them. I want to be me. I want to know what’s going on in my life without being filled in on it after waking up with no clue of what’s going on. I don’t want to share it with them. If you told me there was a way to get rid of them, that’s what I’d want. If integration means getting rid of them and shutting them up, then that’s what I’d like to work on.” I let out a deep breath when I finish. She doesn’t look surprised by my outburst at all, but I guess my response is normal.

  “Them is you, Christopher.” She says thi
s as if it’s so simple, and I roll my eyes.

  “Well, it doesn’t feel like it.”

  “Let’s start from the beginning.” She pulls out an iPad and a stylus, and I groan. If we’re starting from the beginning, I’m doomed because that means this will take a long time. How far off is integration if we’re only at the beginning?

  “Dissociative identity disorder is—”

  “I know what it is Helen,” I say not hiding my frustration.

  “Chris, since you’ve never seen me in regards to your condition, I don’t know where your information comes from or if it’s even accurate. Without an appropriate understanding of what you’re dealing with, no treatment that we’ll undergo will be beneficial to you so please if you will…”

  “Fine,” I say quietly.

  “As I was saying…” she grins at me.

  “Dissociation isn’t abnormal. Everyone does it.” She says and I scoff. I don’t remember my parents running around calling themselves by different names and not remembering it.

  “It may sound strange, but daydreaming is a prime example. Drifting off into another state of consciousness is dissociating. The issue is when it becomes disruptive, as yours has become. When it interferes with your daily life. When a traumatic event happens to someone and they use it as a form of coping or blocking out the event, it falls into the category of becoming dysfunctional. There are several conditions that involve dissociation. I have ruled them out in your case. Initially I thought that you could have a borderline personality disorder, but I ruled that out when I realized your egos were more compartmentalized.”

  “After you met Cal and Collin?” I ask her, and she nods.

  “I want you to understand that there is no person on this Earth that has a totally integrated personality. For instance, I’m sure when you taught classes that you behaved differently with your students than you would behave with your co-workers or from how you would be with your friends. Another example could be when someone is invited out to an event and they’d say a part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay in,” she says.