The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “So you’re saying that those people have DID?” I ask her confused.

  “No, what I’m saying is a person with DID experiences that on a more extreme level. With your condition the boundaries between your personality parts are more distinct. Try to think of Cal and Collin as parts of your personality gone rouge, but they’re still you,” she says softly.

  “They don’t feel like they’re me, not even a little.”

  “Why don’t they?”

  “Because they’re the complete opposites of me. At least Cal is from what I know and I don’t know what to think of Collin. They don’t make any decisions that I would, and I do know this Collin is even further from me in how I talk and dress than Cal is.”

  She leans in forward from her desk. “Have you ever had a day when you woke up in a great mood, where you are in such a good mood that you decide to put a little more effort into your appearance, where you’re more tolerant of someone that you usually can’t stand? Or when in a bad mood the patience you’d usually exhibit is extremely short? Those are just small examples of what you’re dealing with to a more extreme level.”

  I run my hand over my head, and it’s weird feeling prickly hair sticking out of my scalp than the hair that’s normally there.

  “One thing that I’d like for you to make a priority is not being embarrassed or ashamed of your condition,” she says quietly. “What your mind did is an amazing feat. The defense it created was not only psychological, but neurobiological. It protected you from an event that could have destroyed you. Instead of that happening, it adjusted and modified itself to protect you. That your mind is capable of that is something to be admired,” she says almost impressed.

  I’m not as impressed by it. “What I don’t understand is why I’m still stuck like this? If we know why it happened—what Cal or I did when I was a kid—why are they still here?”

  “You have to understand, Chris that your mind has been functioning like this way for over twenty years. To think just the discovery of what caused it to function the way it does would automatically cause it to revert back to how it was originally conceived is unreasonable wouldn’t you think?”

  I start to feel my defenses lower. She’s explained more to me in five minutes than I’ve been able to put together myself in I don’t know how long.

  “So what am I looking at Helen? How long until I’m fixed because right now I feel pretty broken,” I tell her honestly.

  “What I don’t think most people understand is that integration isn’t a magical moment that everything comes together. For most people it’s a very long process that each alter has to be open to, including you.”

  When she says that I swallow hard. “Long process… how long?” I feel slightly on edge.

  “It could take years,” she says gently.

  I angrily stand out of my seat. “Years?!” I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t have years, Helen. I can’t live like this for years! Lauren won’t make it with us for years!” I tell her frantically.

  “Christopher, breathe.” She is trying to calm me, but my heart is beating faster than it was just a moment ago. My throat is becoming dry, and that dull ache that’s familiar is coming on stronger….

  Cal

  “Christopher, are you okay?” My head feels full of shit. I open my eyes and my vision is blurry. As it clears, I see Helen sitting in front of me.

  “Wrong,” I tell her moving to the chair in her office, I flop down.

  “Cal?” I give her a thumbs up.

  “Are you okay?” She stands and walks over to me.

  “No. That jerk-off has shut me out, and it’s never been this hard to come through. Fuck, my head hurts.” I scratch the back of my head, and feel scalp. “What the hell, am I bald?”

  “Not exactly.” She laughs and hands me a mirror.

  I look into it. “I look like a fucking jar head.” I hand her back the mirror.

  “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  “That prick Collin was in here, and you wanted to talk to me, and I wanted him to know our deal is over. Somehow he cut me off, and I don’t remember anything since then.”

  “He said something about that,” she sighs and hands me a water from the mini fridge. “So you have no consciousness of the past three days?”

  “I’ve been out for three days!” That little son of a bitch.

  “That’s interesting,” she says sitting on top of her desk.

  “Interesting! That’s not fucking interesting. He’s going to pay!”

  “Calm down, Cal. You obviously aren’t exactly yourself right now,” she says in her signature condescending tone.

  “Of course I’m not because I’m keeping him out.”

  Her eyes widen. “You’re not used to doing that Cal,” she says concerned.

  “No shit, but he’s not going to one up me. Asshole. He must not be used to doing it either. I think that’s why Chris came back,” I add.

  “I was wondering about that,” she mutters.

  “Collin’s off his hinges, and he wants to take over,” I tell her angrily. She looks at me in disbelief. “I’m telling you he does,” I shout.

  “Why would he want to do that?” Her stupid crazy-patient tone drives me up the wall.

  “Don’t do that shit with me, Helen. I know you,” I remind her. She frowns. “He’s been in the driver’s seat too long. I’m telling you what he’s going to try to do! I know I’m right because I can feel it,” I rub my temples. “I need an aspirin or something.” I hold my head between my legs. Is this what Chris feels when he goes in an out? Shit, this sucks.

  “I don’t think aspirin is going to work, Cal. You’re not strong enough to block him and Chris out at the same time,” she says and I wave her off, but the hammer that feels like it’s hitting my skull makes me think she might be right.

  “I want to talk to Chris,” I groan.

  “You want to talk to Chris?” she asks in disbelief.

  “Yes!” Doesn’t she see I’m in too much pain to keep repeating myself.

  “You haven’t been able to reach him?”

  “I’ve been blocked out. He can’t hear my voice,” I tap my foot to try to distract myself from the pain. “I want to meet with him. Can you teach him how to do that?” I feel my limbs start to tremble.

  “Of course,” she says. “He seems more open to treatment, so I’ll do my best.”

  “How long do you think it’ll take?” The pain is so bad my eyes are starting to water.

  “I’m not sure Cal. I’m worried about you, though. I’ve never seen you like this.”

  I take in a long breath. “Record me now,” I tell her. “I mean give me a minute, but I need to get a message to Chris.” I close my eyes and try to block out the pain. I hear her ruffle through her drawers.

  “Okay, let me know when you want to start.”

  I let out a few breaths and try to block and push away the pain. “Okay, go ahead.” I sit up in my chair pretending that it doesn’t feel like there’s shards of glass being pushed into my head.

  “Are we on?” I ask her and she nods. “It’s me. The guy you think made your life a living hell, right?” I laugh, trying to hide the pain that’s splitting my head. “Well, if you think that, you’re fucking delusional. Without me, Caylen and Lauren wouldn’t be in your life. You’d probably be married to that stuck-up bitch Jenna.”

  “Cal, come on. You said you’d be nice,” Helen scolds me.

  “Okay, let me get straight to the point. I want to do right by Lauren. I left her once because I thought I was doing the right thing.” Thinking of Lauren makes it harder to focus, but I have to. This is for Lauren.

  “I wanted her to have someone better than me.” I pause. “Well not better—because let’s be honest it doesn’t get any better than this—but more responsible, reliable. Someone who didn’t have the shitload of baggage we do,” I shrug. There haven’t been many times in my life I ever thought anyone was better than me, but better
for Lauren than me. No one could be better to Lauren than me.

  “I never wanted Lauren to know you. It always seemed like everything in life came so easy for you. I thought you’d be easier for her to love than me. I have to laugh thinking back on it all—how much of an idiot I was to not realize then that the girl who caught me by surprise would turn my life upside down—she’d make me fall in love with her.

  “I’ve been trying to fix things for her. Make things right, and give her everything she deserves.” I sigh. “She doesn’t deserve us fighting against each other. Telling her to pick and choose all the time. Confusing the hell out of Caylen when she gets older. You are the responsible one. The selfless one. You could be a good dad. But God, sometimes you’re a fucking pussy, man.” I groan thinking of how weak he is most of the time. Helen shoots me a warning glare.

  “I mean you are, and I can’t leave my girls with someone who acts like a pussy.” I say adamantly, but then I realize I need him to get this. I try to tone myself down, if that’s even possible.

  “I want to give her something she’s always wanted. I sure as hell can’t do it by myself. But maybe both of us can together. We can give her the Prince Charming she deserves.” That was corny but he’ll buy it, and my girl does deserve a Prince Charming. I can be her Prince Charming.

  “Helen and I have been talking, and I’m starting to think maybe this integration thing won’t suck ass completely. So what do you say, Chris? You in or you going to pussy out?” I ask point blank into the camera.

  “Okay, cut it.” I tell Helen and double over gripping my head.

  “What are you saying? You’re suddenly okay with integrating? I thought you were completely against that?”.

  “Show the tape to him when you think he is finally ready to hear from me. When he is ready to meet with me. That tape is for Chris only.” I tell her squeezing my eyelids together. I don’t have much time left because I can’t hold Collin off for much longer.

  “Cal, I don’t understand what you are up to.”

  “Promise me, Helen!” I shout at her. She scowls at me, but nods.

  “Okay. I promise.” She finally relents.

  My muscles feel like they’re trying to stretch around a tree. I take a deep breath and glance at her trying my best to hide my pain.

  “I keep having the dream Helen, I can’t shake it…”

  Chris

  “Here,” I open my eyes and see Helen in front of me with an outstretched hand offering me a bottle of water. I rub my temples. I could have sworn that…

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “What were we just talking about?” I could have sworn I just… but I couldn’t have because it wouldn’t make sense for it to happen that quickly.

  “Integration—about how long the process can take,” she says quietly and goes back to sit behind her desk.

  “You said years, right?” I open the water and chug it down.

  “Yes, sometimes. Still, there have been some cases where spontaneous fusion has occurred.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, it’s been said that sometimes when all parts—or alters as you know them—become co-conscious, operating in awareness of each other, then fusion can gradually take place.”

  “Wait, what is co-consciousness?” I ask being that this is the first time I’ve ever heard the term.

  “It’s when everyone is on the same page, you’re all aware of what the other is doing. You operate as one.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “It would mean no more blackouts. You all would share memories and information instead of switching or you going to sleep when one takes over. You all communicate and make decisions together.”

  “Wait, what?” I ask confused. “We would basically rotate out,” I laugh.

  She presses her lips together. “The thought may seem ridiculous to you now—” she begins.

  “It is. You want me to share my life with them. All take turns?!”

  “With you all being so combative with one another it may seem impractical, but there are many people who choose that path and find they function more normally that way.” I think you should attend a support group. You’d be able to meet others like you who are further along in treatment and hear firsthand how others handle it.”

  “Why am I just now hearing about this being an option?”

  Her eyes widen in surprise. “Would you actually consider co-consciousness?”

  “No… I mean… I just think it’s something I should have known about.”

  “Well, co-consciousness isn’t an option until the underlying reason for integration is learned by all parties.” She explains.

  “And now we know…”

  “Yes,” she says simply. “Also you all share a commonality now.”

  “You mean Lauren?” I let out a long breath.

  “Of course, you all would have to be on the same page. Each of you would have to agree… and let’s just say we’re at square one with that,” she adds. I roll my eyes at that. I don’t see why either of them would want to be co-conscious with me. They’re the jerks who are ruining my life. It’s not the other way around.

  “Lauren. She told me that Collin knows more than Cal and I know.” She looks at me as if wanting me to ask the obvious question.

  “Does he?” I ask.

  “Here is the thing Chris,” her eyes fall on her desk. “With everyone being at odds, I’m not allowed to discuss what they say to me to you unless they explicitly give me permission to do so.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” I ask her in disbelief.

  “My goal is to have you all agree for me to treat you as one, but as of now, no one has given me permission to do that.”

  “You’re kidding.” But from the serious look on her face, I can tell she’s not.

  “It’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to treat us if you can’t tell me what they talk to you about?”

  “It goes both ways,” she interrupts.

  “But can’t they hear and see what I do. I’m the only one out of the loop in this. It’s not fair! Then what am I even doing here?” I stand up disgusted with myself for even thinking that this would help, that she’d help me. I know out of all of us, it’s probably me she likes the least.

  “I can help you, Chris!” She stands up as I’m about to leave the room.

  “How?”

  “I can help you learn to better process so that the switches aren’t as frequent or necessary. I can teach you how to communicate with them. Right now you feel as if you’re the weakest. I can help you change that.”

  I stop my hand on the doorknob.

  “Your biggest weakness is that you were in the dark. You don’t have to be now. You can choose another option.”

  Chapter 26

  Lauren

  I sit in front of the large canvas in front of me and stare at it. I keep it here in my office of the gallery, hidden away.

  It’s him.

  Or them. Three faces of the man I love.

  Well, in the middle there’s a large blank space. I don’t know who he’ll end up being tomorrow. Now the picture is a little outdated since Chris shaved off most of his hair this morning. Not that I can say that I blame him. When Collin started growing it out, I knew it was something that both Chris and Cal would hate. I just didn’t think he’d cut it all the way off the second he came back. From what I think I understand is that Chris doesn’t remember anything while he’s away. Only getting glimpses of what happens randomly.

  I can’t imagine what that must be like. To share a body, a mind with other people and be the last to know everything and the first to deal with the results of their actions. He probably feels so powerless in it all—it’s the reason I couldn’t lie to him. Not after everything that’s happened— all the lies told to me, the truths people thought I should be shielded from. Collin asked me to trust him, to believe that he has their best interest at heart, and I do believe that he has their best interest at hea
rt. I think. I hope anyway. It’s what he says and he’s never lied to me—not that I know of.

  Yesterday when Collin told me that Chris was coming back, it was such a surreal moment. How could he know that? How can he be so aware? Is it normal for one of them to know things like that, and why does Cal and Collin know but not Chris? It doesn’t seem fair— though what’s fair in their case? Collin didn’t have to tell me that Chris was coming back, but he did and I appreciate that. It was terrifying as well because it was so normal and casual of him. Collin doesn’t seem to process emotions how most people do, and it’s refreshing but scary at the same time. Truthfully it has only caused me to have more questions. Then it becomes do I want to know all the answers if he had them to give? Who do I want them from? I take a sip of water and pick up my pencil and perfect the dimple in Chris’s cheek. I darken the color in Cal’s eyes, and create the arched brow that Collin typically has. I stare again at the space in the middle. Who would that man be? What would be lost in this process? Will there be one standing or segments of the three? My phone rings and I see that it’s him.

  Chris.

  “Hey,” he says and I can’t help but smile at the voice I haven’t heard in so long. Chris's voice is distinctive, even when he’s annoyed or frustrated it still holds a warmness, a youthfulness that is different from Cal and Collin’s.

  “I’m outside of your gallery.” I push myself off the floor and head to the window and see him standing there.

  “I’ll be right down to let you in.” I grab the cover and toss it over the canvas, and head downstairs and let him in. When I open the door, he’s standing there with an easy smile, and his bright green eyes make me do the same. I stand aside for him to come in. When I lock the door, I can see him taking everything in.

  “Wow.”

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I say quietly as I stand beside him.

  “He picked this out?”

  “Yeah,” I say sounding awkward to myself. I hate this part. I hate that we’re back to square one it seems, a tension between us that we fought so hard to get past. I missed Chris, and it’s so crazy how I didn’t even know Collin but his presence being gone has been felt. I even miss Cal while Chris is standing here, I can’t help but think of Collin the man who made my dream come to fruition and it’s the hardest thing to explain.