A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “It does,” she said firmly. “It makes all the difference in the world.”

  I was getting irritated. “This is some stupid thing all those chick flicks and Disney princess movies have implanted into your brain. Girls dream about getting married because they think finding a husband will solve all their problems. All it means is security. It’s just insurance that you won’t be alone. It’s for insecure and stupid girls!”

  Her eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them. “Fuck you, Slade.”

  “It is! Tell me otherwise. What’s the difference between us being together, and us being together with a marriage license? Not a damn thing! That stupid piece of paper makes me legally bound to you. It’s like having chains around my neck and wrists so I can’t go anywhere. You can keep tabs on me and watch every little thing I do. It’s prison!”

  Her chest rose and fell quickly, and she started to sob. “Get the hell out of my life.” She pushed me as hard as she could, forcing me to stumble back. “Go! Loving you is the biggest regret I’ll ever have. I hate you! I fucking hate you.”

  “I fucking hate you too!”

  “Get out of my apartment so I don’t put chains around your neck! Run so I don’t cling to you and beg for security. Get out before this becomes a stupid chick flick that you can’t escape from.” She opened the door then shoved me through, making me hit the floor. “I’m moving on, Slade. I will find someone who loves me, and you can die alone for all I care.”

  “I’d rather die alone than become a prisoner!”

  Tears fell down her cheeks while she stared at me. Resignation and acceptance filled her face. All the anger seemed to leave her body. All that was left was a soulless shell. She was a ghost, a shadow of her former self. Without saying another word, she shut the door quietly.

  The last sound I heard was her locking the door.

  Chapter Two

  Trinity

  His words would forever echo in my mind. When I got into that car accident, my body was broken and I was in agonizing pain. Every time I went to physical therapy, it hurt a million times worse. But the collective pain I’d experienced in my entire life didn’t compare to the way Slade hurt me. His words, that marriage to me would be a prison, ripped my soul in half and left nothing but scattered pieces.

  I sobbed all night, feeling the weight of the agony. Our beautiful love affair ended so brutally, so painfully. At one time, I thought Slade actually loved me, and he couldn’t live without me. Our memories played across my mind, but now I looked at them differently. If that wasn’t love, what was it?

  The only good that came out of that hurtful battle was resignation. I’d finally given up on him. I didn’t miss him the way I used to. His hurtful words changed everything. In the back of my mind, I kept hoping Slade would come back to me and change his mind. But now that hope was gone. We were really done.

  Forever.

  The knowledge didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I tried to be optimistic about the situation. He wasted two years of my life, but he could have wasted more. What if we were together for four years? Five? Now we were done and I could find Mr. Right. Now I would move on with my life, and when I was finally over Slade for good, I could find what I’d always been looking for.

  ***

  I worked all day from my apartment. I needed to find a building for my business, a company for fabrics and materials, and of course, I needed employees. I made a few friends at Vogue, and I knew they would help me get my name out there. Jeremy would sneak my work into the magazine and show the editor. Failure was not an option, and I was going to succeed. My entire heart and soul was in it now that Slade had returned the piece he held for so long.

  At the end of the day, I remembered I was supposed to meet Reid for coffee. The arrangement slipped my mind in light of my pain. A lot of things seemed to fade to the background, becoming noise that was barely discernible.

  I walked to the coffee shop slowly, not having as much energy as I used to. I watched people as they passed, and I wondered what was going on in their lives. Was anyone as depressed as I was? Was I the only one suffering? Did anyone else know I was drowning?

  When I walked inside, Reid was standing near the doorway. He wore slacks, a collared shirt, and a black vest. He was typing on his phone but immediately stopped when he noticed me.

  “Hey.” He gave me a bright smile, the exact same one I remembered from so many years ago.

  “Hi.” I forced a smile but it took all my energy to do it.

  His eyes fell in sadness as he took me in, clearly noticing how much pain I was carrying. But he didn’t comment on it. “Cup of joe?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “What would you like?”

  “I don’t care,” I said quietly.

  “You don’t care?” he asked with a laugh. “I suggest you pick something. Otherwise, you’re going to get something weird…like half green tea and half caramel macchiato.”

  For the first time since Slade shattered me, I laughed.

  He smiled while he stared at me. He breathed a sigh of relief like hearing my laugh made his day better. “Now take some time to think about it.”

  “Uh, I’ll have a caramel frappuccino.”

  “Excellent.” He stood in line then ordered our drinks. Then we found a table in the corner.

  “What did you get?” I asked when I sat down.

  “Black coffee.” He shrugged. “I’m boring.”

  I chuckled. “I don’t think you’re boring.”

  He eyed his cup. “Black coffee without any cream or sugar. I’d say that’s pretty uneventful.”

  “At least that hardly has any calories in it.”

  “I suppose.” He took a sip then eyed mine. “Now, that looks like dessert for breakfast.”

  “Why do you think it’s so popular?” I asked with a smirk.

  “I’m beginning to understand why so many Americans are obese.”

  “They make it pretty easy, don’t they?” Talking to him made me forget about Slade for a moment. It was nice not to think about him, to forget the savage things he said to me. He ripped apart the last piece of our beautiful relationship. Now all that was left were ashes from the fire.

  “How’s your company doing?” he asked.

  “It’s a lot of work. I feel like this project is going to take a lot of time and effort.”

  “It’ll be worth it,” he said. “Being your own boss and having total dominion over your creativity will make you excited to go to work every day.”

  “I’m sure it will. I already like it more than working at Vogue. My boss was a nightmare.”

  “At least you know how not to be a nightmare boss to your future employees.”

  I shook my head dramatically. “God, no. I’d never be like that.”

  He chuckled. “It’s impossible anyway. You don’t have a mean bone in your body.”

  “I don’t know about that…” I pushed Slade pretty hard—several times.

  “I do.” He sipped his coffee again then rested his elbows on the table.

  “How was work?” I asked.

  “It was okay. Just crunching numbers…”

  “Still not loving it?” I asked.

  “I’m not going to complain,” he said. “It’s a great job with a nice salary and benefits. I’m technically my own boss. But no, I’m not passionate about it. And I doubt I ever will be.”

  “Maybe one day you’ll realize your true passion.”

  “Maybe,” he said non-committedly. “But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I never did.” He glanced out the window before he turned back to me. “How’s Skye doing?”

  “She’s good. She’s running her father’s company right now.”

  “What company does he own?” he asked.

  “Pixel Software.”

  “Wow, impressive. But she strikes me as an authoritative figure.”

  I chuckled. “Cayson would say the same thing.”

  When he gave me a q
uizzical expression, I knew he didn’t know who Cayson was.

  “Cayson is her boyfriend.”

  “Oh, I see.” He nodded. “I hope he doesn’t mind living in her shadow.”

  “He casts his own shadows too. He was offered the director position for the Center for Disease Control.”

  He whistled. “That is impressive. Good for him.”

  “Yeah.” Thinking about Cayson and Skye made me depressed. They were so happy and in love. I couldn’t help but be jealous. Why couldn’t Slade want to get married like Cayson did? Why did I always fall for the wrong guys?

  Reid seemed to know where my thoughts drifted. “Taking it one day at a time?”

  I turned my attention back to him. “I’m trying to.” My words came out weak.

  “Break ups are hard. You aren’t alone in your suffering.”

  It seemed like I was.

  “Do you guys still see each other?”

  “Well…for the past month it’s been…back and forth a lot.”

  “Meaning?” he asked.

  “We would still hold each other and kiss. We even hooked up once because we missed each other.”

  Reid didn’t have a judging look in his eyes. “A lot of couples do that. It’s hard to let go. When you’re with one person for so long, it’s hard to begin a new life without them. Not just because you miss them, but because you’re unbalanced. When we’re hurting, we’ll do anything to feel better.”

  I nodded. “Yeah…”

  “But, I admit, this behavior will only make it harder to move on,” he said in a conversational way. It didn’t seem like he preaching or telling me what to do.

  “I realized that—a little late.”

  He sipped his coffee while he looked at me.

  “We had a fight the other night…and we’re done forever now. I don’t miss him the way I used to. I’m not hoping he’ll come back to me and change his mind about everything. All I want is to move on and leave him in the past.”

  “It sounds like you found closure.”

  “I think so.”

  “May I ask what was said in this fight?”

  I remembered it as vividly as our first kiss. “He said he missed me and wanted to be with me. I said the same thing.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “He made the argument that we could be together like a married couple, just without a marriage license. I refused that option. Our conversation escalated, and he told me I only want to get married for security because I’m too stupid to handle being alone. He said marriage is just a way for me to wrap chains around his neck and wrists so I can control him and suck the happiness out of him. He said being married to me would be…like being a prisoner.” I closed my eyes and tried to control my emotions. I didn’t want to cry in front of Reid, or in front of a store full of customers. My chest rose and fell against its will, and my eyes started to burn with tears.

  I felt Reid move to the seat beside me then wrap his arm around my shoulder. I was grateful he wasn’t looking at my face, seeing the devastation there. His hand rubbed the top of my arm and he pulled me closer into his side. His scent came into my nose and it relaxed me. The tears were stifled as he held me, making me feel safe from my own thoughts. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry…”

  “There’s no reason to apologize.” He continued to rub my arm. “I’m just sorry he hurt you like that. Those words are enough to cripple anyone, Trinity. And honestly, I think he was harsh and unfair. Perhaps that’s what marriage means to him, but I know it means something completely different to you.”

  “It does.”

  “Marriage is about two people telling the world they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together. It’s a beautiful commitment; one they want to share with all their friends and loved ones. It’s a celebration, an acknowledgement. It’s not about security or an attempt to fight loneliness. It’s a very beautiful and special thing. It’s his loss that he doesn’t understand that.”

  “I guess…”

  “No, it is his loss,” he said firmly. “Maybe he doesn’t realize it now, but in a few years, he’ll realize his mistake. You’ll find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and Slade’ll stand by and feel his heart sink into the ground. Then one day, when all his friends are settled down, he’ll find himself absolutely alone. He’ll wish he had a family, a wife and children, surrounding him. But all he’ll have is the four walls of his home. And he’ll be a prisoner to his own misery.”

  The idea of Slade dying alone didn’t give me any satisfaction. I didn’t want that for him, but I knew that’s what would happen. Hopefully, he’d realize the errors of his ways. He wouldn’t realize in time to ever be with me, but hopefully he would find someone else eventually.

  Reid patted my back in a friendly way. “You feel a little better?”

  “You stopped me from crying.”

  “So you feel loads better,” he said with a smile.

  “I guess.”

  He moved back to his seat across from me.

  “Have you ever felt this bad from a break up?” I asked.

  “Honestly, no. But I have felt pretty terrible.”

  “For the past month, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep.”

  “You do look thin.”

  “I try but I just don’t have an appetite,” I said quietly.

  “Well, I’ve made you laugh a few times and stopped you from crying. Perhaps you’re improving.”

  “Or you’re just very talented.”

  “How about you come to my place and I’ll cook dinner. I’ll get you to eat.”

  His invitation made me uneasy. “I know you said you asked me to coffee in a friendly way but…I don’t want you to ever think this can develop into something romantic.”

  “May I ask why?”

  “I won’t be able to love anyone for a very long time. And when I do, I would never love you.”

  He didn’t react in any noticeable way. “And why is that?”

  “Because I don’t deserve you.” When I picked Slade, Reid was taken off the list as a possible love interest. I would never date him again, not after that. He deserved someone who considered him to be their first choice. I cared about Reid a lot, but I couldn’t see myself falling in love with him.

  “My invitation to dinner, as well as coffee, is strictly in a friendly way. While I want to make you feel better, I also enjoy your company. Even when you’re depressed, you’re a delight to talk to. So, please don’t worry about that. I’m not assuming anything will ever happen between us, and when you’re in this state, I wouldn’t want to anyway. So, please have dinner with me.”

  “Well, in that case, I will.”

  “Great,” he said with a smile. “I actually have a date on Saturday night.”

  “You do?” I asked. “What’s her name?”

  “Emily,” he said. “She and I met at a bar. She’s a cute girl and she seemed very nice. But it usually takes a few dates for someone’s true colors to come through. That’s when I start to evaluate whether I’m wasting my time or not.”

  “I hope it goes well.”

  “Thanks,” he said. “But I’m doubtful.” He added a light laugh at the end.

  “Why?” I asked. “You’ll find her, Reid.”

  “I’m twenty-nine,” he said. “I’m getting old—literally.”

  “That’s not old,” I argued.

  He released a sarcastic laugh. “I wanted to have my first kid when I turned thirty but that’s not going to happen. Well, it could, but it would have to be love at first sight.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about it, Reid. You’re so attractive and charming. Any girl would be lucky to have you.”

  “Well, finding the girls isn’t hard. It’s not like I strike out. But they just aren’t…what I want.”

  “I’m glad you don’t settle, Reid. I admire you for that.”

  “I just want to fall in love and get married. When I was younger, people made it sound like it
was the easiest thing in the world and it happened to everyone. But here I am, wondering when it’s going to happen to me. Some of my married friends tell me they knew their wives were the one after a few dates. Lucky bastards…”

  I chuckled. “Reid, it’ll happen for you. Just give it time.”

  He stared at me for a long moment. “How about we make a deal?”

  “What kind of deal?”

  “When do you want to get married by?” he asked.

  “Well…when I’m twenty-seven, probably.”

  “Okay, how about we make a pact? If neither one of us are married by then, we’ll marry each other.”

  “So, I’m your back up?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Yeah. Being married to a friend wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. We both want kids, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you’re going to start this huge empire and be a very wealthy woman. I’m already wealthy. We could be a power couple. I think it would be a pretty good set up. And I think if we’re together long enough, sparks might fly…”

  I’d never heard of someone doing a back up plan like this. If I agreed to it, I felt like that would validate Slade. I’d been marrying Reid, someone I didn’t love, just for the security when I could be with Slade, someone who I actually did love. But with Reid, I could have the lifestyle I want, including kids. After all, it was just a back up plan. That didn’t mean I was giving up on what I really wanted. “You got yourself a deal.” I shook his hand.

  “Awesome. But you need to agree with your blood.”

  My face turned pale.

  He laughed at the frightened look on my face. “Kidding.”

  ***

  I met Skye and Cayson for lunch and told them everything that happened between Slade and I.

  Skye stopped eating her food, which meant she was either having a heart attack or the world was about to end. “I can’t believe he said that to you!”

  Cayson closed his eyes and sighed. “He didn’t mean it. I know he didn’t.”

  “No, he meant it,” I hissed.