A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “He was just angry…” Cayson tried to find the right words to say.

  “Stop making excuses for him,” I snapped. “Slade made it perfectly clear how he feels. A marriage to me is as good as a prison. Maybe he should talk to Arsen so they can compare notes.”

  Skye shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

  Cayson spoke again. “I know he doesn’t really feel that way.”

  “Give it a rest,” Skye said. “I know you want to see the good in Slade, but it’s clearly not there. He doesn’t want to get married—ever. We need to stop hoping he’ll change his mind.”

  “He won’t,” I said.

  “They’re really over and we need to move on,” Skye said. “Stop taking his side, Cayson.”

  “I’m not taking sides,” he said. “And if I am, I’m on Trinity’s side. I just know that Slade will realize he really does want to marry her, and not because he has to in order to keep her. I know it’s what he really wants. And I know he wants kids too.”

  “And why do you think that?” Skye asked coldly.

  “When I talk to him about it…I see it. It’s way down in there but it’s there.”

  My wishful thinking had expired. “I’m done with him. Even though his words hurt me, he actually helped me. I want to move on and now I accept we’ll never get back together. If anything, he set me free.”

  “I think there’s still hope,” Cayson said quietly.

  “Well, you’re the only one,” I said.

  Cayson looked at his watch. “I need to get back to work.”

  “Okay.” Skye didn’t move.

  He turned to her and kissed her on the cheek.

  She didn’t reciprocate at all.

  “Why are you mad at me?” he asked.

  “Because you need to stop pushing for Slade,” she said. “You’re just dragging it out.”

  “He’s my best friend,” Cayson said. “I can’t give up on him—even if everyone else has.”

  Skye looked at me and ignored him.

  Cayson sighed then kissed her shoulder. “Love you.” He stood up and walked away without waiting for her to say it back.

  She quickly turned around and blurted. “Love you too.”

  He stopped and looked at her. Then he smiled before he walked away.

  Skye turned back to me. “I can’t stay mad at him very long…”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I wouldn’t want there to be any tension between you because of Slade and I. We aren’t worth your time.”

  “I wouldn’t say that.”

  Now that Cayson was gone, I told her about Reid. “We got coffee together.”

  Her eyes were wide. “Wow, you got back on the horse fast.”

  I gave her an offended look. “We went as friends. He made it clear it was friendly, as did I.”

  “Oh.” She relaxed. “How’s he doing?”

  “He seems fine. I told him everything about Slade and he made me feel better—for the time being.”

  “Reid is a really nice guy.”

  “I wish I picked him.” Regret filled me. “Why did I have to pick Slade? Why was I so stupid?”

  “I know you’re angry with him, I am too, but I know you don’t mean that.”

  I released a sarcastic snort. “Oh, I do, Skye. Believe me, I do. Telling you what Slade said doesn’t do the moment justice. You didn’t see the look on his face, the disdain and anger.”

  “But there were two years before that—”

  “That didn’t mean anything. That wasn’t real love. We were just…screwing around. If he loved me, he never would have treated me that way. It was like everything that happened between us disappeared.” I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the window.

  “Do you not want me to tell Cayson about Reid?” she asked. “I’m assuming that’s why you waited until he left.”

  “Yes, don’t tell him.”

  “If there’s nothing romantic going on between you, why are you hiding the friendship?”

  “I don’t want Slade to think I’m dating him.”

  “After everything that’s happened, why do you care?”

  “Because I don’t want him to know anything about my life. He doesn’t deserve to know who I spend time with or what I do. If he really cared, he would be a part of my life. I want to disappear from his thoughts. I want to be a distant shadow he can hardly see. If he doesn’t want me, that’s what he’ll get. He can’t even have my friendship.”

  Skye gave me a sad look. “Anger and resentment are natural…”

  “I’m not angry or resentful,” I said quietly.

  “Then what are you?”

  “I just don’t give a damn anymore.”

  Chapter Three

  Roland

  Conrad was going through a hard time, so I tried to be there for him whenever I could. When I left work, I went straight to his place and asked if he wanted to play basketball or video games. Some days he was better than others, but for the most part, he was devastated and angry.

  After hearing his side of the story, I didn’t like Beatrice anymore. I never voiced that opinion because that wouldn’t make Conrad feel better, but if she was really that closed-minded to leave him for such a stupid reason, then I had no choice but to judge her. I thought about talking to her and asking her to take Conrad back, but I quickly dismissed the idea. I didn’t think it would help. My best friend deserved better than her.

  After we finished playing basketball, we headed to Mega Shake and ordered our food. Conrad was quiet, not having much to say most of the time. I didn’t press him too hard. When he wanted silence, I gave it to him.

  When I finished half my burger, I finally spoke. “Any luck with the shop?”

  “Theo found a building. It’s a good location. He put a bid on it. We’re just waiting for it to get approved.”

  “That’s cool,” I said. “How’s working for your dad?”

  “It’s not so bad,” he said. “I actually don’t see him.”

  “Then that’s really nice,” I teased.

  “I just manage my floor. I have an assistant and everything.”

  “Ooh…is she cute?”

  His good mood suddenly dropped. “Not really.”

  I knew he was thinking of Beatrice. “She hasn’t called?”

  “No.” He released a heavy sigh. “And if she hasn’t by now, she isn’t going to.”

  I wanted to give him words of encouragement but I couldn’t think of any.

  “And I feel guilty for the whole thing…”

  I almost spit out my food. “Sorry?”

  He leaned back in the booth, no longer interested in eating his food. “I took her virginity shortly before we broke up. I wish this happened sooner. Now I’ll be a regret for the rest of her life.”

  “No.” I almost knocked my soda over because I was so mad. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Conrad. You only spoke to her father because you care about her. If anything, you were proving how much you loved her. No, you shouldn’t feel guilty. All of this is her doing.”

  He still looked miserable. “I understand her point of view and I get why she’s upset…but I wish she wouldn’t dump me every time we hit a rough patch. That’s what really gets under my skin. I’ve never been in a relationship before but I know they aren’t rainbows and unicorns all the time. They can be difficult, but you work through them. She’s acting like what I did to her was unforgiveable…”

  “It’s her loss, man. No other guy is going to put up with her bullshit. It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is.”

  “I wish she would come to terms with what happened with her family. It’s destroying her. I hate watching it. She can’t trust anyone, and she prefers to be alone almost all the time. I never met her mother, but I doubt this is the life she wanted for her daughter.”

  I shrugged. “It’s out of your hands, man. You did everything you possibly could in this relationship. You can only push people so far before they break. You
shouldn’t feel bad. She’s hurt you far more times than you’ve hurt her.”

  “Probably…”

  “Just move on and forget about her.”

  “I’m trying… I made a stupid mistake and asked my dad to pay back her loans…in exchange for working for him.”

  I actually knocked my soda over this time. “What?”

  “She was barely making it so I asked my dad to pay off her loans…”

  “And she still dumped you?” I asked incredulously.

  “She doesn’t know.”

  I quickly picked up the cup and wiped the mess with napkins. “And she really didn’t figure it out? How stupid is this girl?”

  Conrad shrugged but didn’t defend her.

  “Fuck her,” I snapped. “I really, really dislike her now.”

  “She didn’t know,” he said. “You can’t hold that one against her.”

  “She thinks some random person just paid off her loans for no reason at all?”

  “She thinks it’s a scholarship.”

  “Fucking ditz,” I snarled.

  Again, he didn’t defend her.

  “So, now you’re a slave to your dad?”

  “No, not really. He pays me a decent salary. And he released me from my contract when he found out she left me. But a deal is a deal and I’m not going to break it. My dad shouldn’t have to pay for my stupidity.”

  “Seriously, she’s never going to find anyone who will love her as much as you did.”

  “Maybe,” he said quietly. His face fell in sadness, and it seemed like he didn’t want to discuss Beatrice anymore. “Are you seeing anyone?”

  I thought of Heath, the guy I spent most of my time with. We hadn’t seen each other much lately because Conrad needed me, and Heath understood that, but we missed each other. At least we got to see each other at work. Even though I really liked Heath, and was starting to accept the fact he was my boyfriend, I wasn’t ready to tell Conrad. I felt terrible because Conrad was my best friend and I told him everything but this…this was different. I had no idea where this relationship with Heath was going, but I didn’t want to talk about it yet. What would people think of me? Would Conrad still be my friend? Would I be hated?

  “Roland?”

  “Huh?” I said.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, totally,” I said quickly.

  “Well, you’ve been silently staring at me for two minutes…”

  “Oh, sorry. No, I’m not seeing anyone.” That was cowardice but I didn’t know what else to do.

  “Any reason why?” he asked.

  “No…” I felt myself start to sweat. “Just haven’t seen anyone I like.”

  “You aren’t sleeping around with some booty call or something?”

  “Uh, no.” Was I making it obvious? Should I lie and say I was seeing some girl?

  “You don’t have to lie, Roland.”

  What? Did he know? Did he figure it out? Did he catch the way I look at Heath? The way Heath looks at me. The temperature increased exponentially, and I started to feel warm. “Lie? What are you talking about?”

  “To make me feel better about Beatrice.”

  Phew! I thought I was busted. “No, I’m really not seeing anyone.”

  “Well, at least we’re alone together.”

  “Yeah…”

  “Is Heath seeing anyone?”

  Did he know he was gay? “Not that I know of…”

  “Maybe when I’m feeling better in…about a year…we can go out together and pick up girls.”

  “Yeah…” I didn’t want to mention Heath was gay. If I did, he might have suspected I was gay too. I kept the information to myself.

  Conrad finished his food then piled his trash on the tray. “I should get going.”

  “You want to come over and watch a movie or something?”

  “No, thanks,” he said. “I just want to be alone…”

  “Well, you know where to find me.”

  “I know, man.” He averted his gaze and seemed uncomfortable. “I appreciate you…spending all this time with me. It keeps me distracted, you know?”

  “Of course. I like hanging out with you anyway.”

  He cleared his throat then dumped his trash. “I’ll see you later, Roland.”

  “Bye.”

  ***

  I went to Heath’s after I showered.

  Heath was reading on the couch. He looked up and smiled at me. “Long time no see.”

  “I know. But Conrad seems to be feeling better.”

  “Good for him,” he said. “He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

  “Yeah.” I sat on the couch beside him.

  Heath immediately leaned in and kissed me. “What did you guys do?”

  “Played basketball and ate afterwards.” I wasn’t used to Heath kissing me, and even though the embrace was short, it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

  “Cool. Why aren’t you with him now?”

  “He said he wanted to be alone.”

  He nodded slowly then put his book down. “Only time can fix a broken heart.”

  “Yeah…”

  Heath studied me for a moment. “Something else on your mind?”

  “Can I ask something?” Whenever I said this, it usually meant a question about homosexuality or bisexuality.

  “You can ask me anything, Ro.”

  “I’ve known Conrad my entire life. We’re best friends. I mean, I’ve seen him naked. He’s a good-looking guy, and we have so much in common, just like you and I do…but I’m not attracted to him. Why?”

  Heath considered the question for a moment. “Are you attracted to every good-looking person you see? Every one says Brad Pitt is the sexiest guy on the planet and he does absolutely nothing for me.”

  I saw his point.

  “Attraction is subjective. And isn’t he your cousin?”

  “Oh yeah…maybe that’s why.”

  “You aren’t related to Cayson, right?”

  “No.”

  “And he’s a good-looking guy.”

  “I guess,” I said with a shrug.

  “Are you attracted to him?”

  “No,” I said immediately.

  “Slade?”

  “No,” I blurted and shook my head quickly. “The only guy I’ve been attracted to is you. Isn’t that odd?”

  “I don’t think it’s weird.”

  “Why?”

  “I think after you and I become more physical, you’ll be more open with your sexuality. And then you’ll probably be more attracted to men. I think you’re trying so hard to be only straight that you’re forcing yourself not to look. But with me, it’s hard to get away from. The connection and chemistry was there to begin with.”

  “Maybe…”

  “I have a friend who’s been bi his entire life. How about we meet him for a drink and you can talk to him about it?”

  “What?” I asked incredulously. “And stick my nose in his personal life?”

  “He’s not going to care,” he said with a laugh. “He’s always been open about it. I’ll ask him.”

  “If it’s okay…”

  “It will be.” He took out his phone and typed the message. A minute later, he got a response. Then he turned to me. “Free tonight?”

  ***

  Heath and I arrived at the bar first. Whenever he and I were out in public, we didn’t show any affection. I didn’t want to anyway. It felt odd to me. I wasn’t ready to be open about it, especially to a crowd of strangers.

  A few minutes later, a guy wearing slacks and a black vest walked inside. He was my height, and he was built. A shadow was on his face and chin, the product of not shaving for a few days. He looked straighter than a board so I knew it wasn’t him.

  Then he approached our table. “Hey, Heath. How are you?” He extended his hand and shook Heath’s.

  “Good,” Heath said. “You?”

  “Well.” He turned to me. “So, this is the guy you were
telling me about?”

  “Yeah,” Heath said. “This is Roland.”

  I shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Jameson. It’s nice to meet you too.” He sat in the booth across from me. “So, I heard you have some questions.” He looked at me then adjusted his Rolex.

  This guy was bi? He looked so…straight. I never would have guessed that he had such a complicated sexuality.

  “He’s a little shy,” Heath said quietly.

  “I just don’t want to overstep any boundaries,” I said.

  “You can ask me anything, Roland,” Jameson said. “Honestly.”

  “Okay…how long have you been bi?”

  “My whole life,” he said. “At a young age, it was confusing. I liked women. Like every other teenager, I watched porn with women. But I noticed I was equally attracted to the men in the videos. I didn’t know what to make of it, and as I grew older, that truth never changed. I realized I like both, not one more than the other.”

  “So, have you had boyfriends and girlfriends?”

  “Yes,” he said. “On and off my entire life. My last serious relationship was for three years, and that was with a man. We were very happy and I was sad when it ended. Now I’m with a woman. I’m actually going to propose very soon.”

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. “You’re going to propose?”

  “Yep.”

  “Congratulations,” Heath said.

  “Thank you,” Jameson said. “I know she’ll be thrilled.”

  “So, you aren’t upset you won’t be with another guy for the rest of your life?” I asked.

  “Not really,” he said. “But my girlfriend has an open mind when it comes to her sexuality. She’s not opposed to threesomes—with another guy. So, it works for both of us.”

  “Wow…” I didn’t know what else to say. “What do your parents think?”

  “When I told them years ago, they weren’t thrilled about it. They asked me to see a psychologist and they thought I was mentally unwell.” He rolled his eyes. “They fought the truth with tooth and nail, saying I was just stressed and confused. There were years when we didn’t speak.”

  “What did you do?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I did what made me happy. Sometimes I was with men and sometimes I was with women. When my family finally came around, I introduced them to my last boyfriend. They accepted my odd lifestyle and finally let it go. But I admit, they’re happy I’m settling down with a girl. I kinda imagined I’d end up with a man, but she was so adorable and perfect that I knew I couldn’t live without her. And she’s a heathen in bed.” He winked at me.