A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  I still couldn’t wrap my mind around that. “That’s…interesting.”

  “So, you’re going through the same thing?” he asked.

  “Well, I know I like Heath. I’ve never paid attention to men…that I know of.”

  “You were probably in denial of it for a long time. The mind has the ability to shelter you from particularly painful experiences. Spending so much time with Heath probably forced you to accept the truth.”

  “I guess…”

  “But just because you like Heath doesn’t mean you can’t like women too. Right?”

  “I do like women.”

  “Then there’s your answer.”

  “But I’ve never been attracted to other men.”

  “I’m sure if you gave it a chance, you would realize that there are other men you find attractive.”

  “It’s possible.”

  “Just be true to yourself. Life is too short to live in the shadows or be ashamed of who you are. Just follow your instincts and see where it takes you. Heath is a good guy so you found the right person to explore with.”

  I wondered if they’d ever been together. Jealousy moved inside me at the thought. “Well, thank you for your time.”

  “Of course.” He put his business card down. “Call me if you have any questions. I’m always willing to help someone through this difficult stage in life. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.” He said goodbye then left the bar.

  I looked at Heath, processing everything Jameson said.

  “Feel better?” he asked.

  “He just looked…so straight.”

  “I know what you mean. But when you have a better eye, you’ll be able to tell. To me, I could totally tell he was into men as much as women.”

  “Have you two ever…?”

  “No,” he said immediately. “Never.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  He smirked when he saw the relief on my face. “You’ll come to terms with your sexuality eventually. Just give it time.”

  Heath and I hadn’t done anything more than kiss. I knew he was being patient with me, letting me take it slow. I appreciated his thoughtfulness, but I was eager for more. I wanted to take this as far as it would go and figure out if this was something I really did enjoy.

  “Want to go home?” I asked.

  “Sure.” He threw money on the table then we headed back to his place.

  When we walked inside, Heath sat on the couch. “Want to watch Robocop?”

  “Actually, no.”

  “Then what do you want to watch?” he asked.

  I sat on the couch beside him. “I…I want to go in the bedroom.”

  He turned off the TV and looked at me, seriousness and excitement in his eyes. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Just because we talked to Jameson doesn’t mean we need to rush anything.”

  “That isn’t why,” I whispered.

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “Because I’m not in a hurry.”

  “I know, Heath.”

  He searched my eyes for hesitation, and when he didn’t see any, he took my hand and pulled me into his bedroom.

  Chapter Four

  Thomas

  It was Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. That meant I’d spend the evening with Rome, along with Thursday and Friday. If she stayed with me for the entire three days, it would make my week. But the only way to get her to sleep over was to handcuff her, unfortunately. Perhaps I could entice her some other way.

  After work, Rome and I went to dinner. She looked beautiful in her black dress and matching pumps. Her hair was pulled back today, revealing gold hoops hanging from her ears. I could stare at her forever.

  “How’s your week?” she asked as she ate her salad.

  “It was okay,” I said. “The work never stops piling up.”

  “At least that means you’re popular,” she said kindly.

  “I suppose.” I ate my eggplant parmesan slowly, wanting to look at her as much as possible.

  “Anything new with your brother?”

  “He showed me the building he’s going to get. It’s actually pretty nice. Everything is ready to go.”

  “Well, that’s exciting.”

  “Yeah…”

  “What do your parents think?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure if they even know.”

  She eyed me over her salad. “Are you not close with them?”

  “No, not really.”

  She caught the sadness in my tone. “May I ask why?”

  “They’ve always preferred Theo.”

  “Parents don’t have favorites.”

  I sipped my wine then returned it to the table. “Well, Theo is their favorite. Theo tortured me, but my parents let him get away with it with nothing more than a slap on the hand. He was a karate champion so they idolized him. He could do no wrong. I guess I’ve never forgiven them for that.”

  Her eyes fell in sadness. “Do your parents have any idea how you feel?”

  “No. I see them once in a while and pretend everything is fine. Then I ignore them.”

  She stopped eating her salad, seeming to lose her appetite.

  “I’m sorry if I upset you,” I whispered.

  “No, you didn’t. I just…feel so terrible.”

  I shrugged. “I’m over it now. I just don’t like spending time with them.”

  “I think if you told them the truth, they would feel terrible and apologize.”

  “If they can’t figure out what they did wrong, that’s not my problem,” I said dismissively. I finished my food then pushed my plate aside.

  She opened her mouth to speak.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Rome. When I’m with you, I’m happy. And I prefer to stay that way.”

  She closed her mouth and picked at her salad. “I apologize.”

  “Don’t apologize,” I said. “I just don’t like seeing you sad, especially over me.”

  She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear then sipped her wine.

  How could I mean nothing to her but she was so invested in my happiness? She cared about my pain, seemed consumed by it. She understood me in a way no one else did, and she seemed to genuinely care about me, which was more than I could say for most people.

  Rome saw through my suit to the sensitive and broken man underneath. She was thoughtful and delicate when she was with me, listening to every word I said and hanging onto its meaning. She made me feel good about myself, and she was patient with me when I didn’t deserve it. I’d never been with someone that I enjoyed being around all the time. When she came over to me in that coffee shop and complimented my acts of heroism, it showed her confidence and admiration. She appreciated the few good people in the world, and she respected me.

  It was hard not to fall for her.

  Especially when I was certain she was falling for me.

  But why was she so distant. She drew an invisible line and never crossed it. She was adamant about her privacy and the exclusive time we spent together. She never saw me outside those three days of the week, and she never called or texted me outside work. She treated our relationship professionally, like it was a job. If she was someone else, it would be the perfect situation. But the one woman I wanted something more with claimed she didn’t want anything more from me.

  “What are you thinking?” she whispered.

  My thoughts were shattered by the question. I stared into her green eyes and felt myself fall into an indefinite chasm. “About what I want to do to you when we get home.” I didn’t say my true thoughts because I knew what her reaction would be. But this was pretty close.

  “Any specific ideas?” she asked with a smile.

  “It involves my bed, no clothes, and you screaming.”

  “Hmm…are you giving me a bath?”

  I chuckled. “No.”

  After I paid the tab, we went back to my apartment. Once we were inside, I immediately guided her to my
room, fisting her hair as I went. My lips sought hers because I missed her all week. When I wasn’t with her, I thought about her like crazy. I missed being between her legs, feeling her body under mine, and listening to her quiet moans.

  Rome was my ultimate fantasy, and I got to live out my dreams through her. Every touch and every kiss was what I’d been searching for my whole life. I gripped her hips and forced her clothes off. When she was bare and ready for me, I moved her to bed and slipped inside her.

  Like always, it was amazing. I kissed her slowly while I moved inside her, taking my time and making it last. Her legs were wrapped around my waist and she was pulling me into her harder. Our bodies were covered in sweat as we moved together, trying to give the other person the same satisfaction.

  When her cheeks tinted and her mouth made a noticeable O, I knew she was falling into the throes of passion. She breathed hard and dug her nails into me, trying to grip me so she wouldn’t fly away while she was caught in her high. “Thomas…” She breathed into my mouth and moaned at the same time.

  I released myself inside her, loving the feeling as I looked into her eyes. Our chemistry was powerful, and we knew how to move together without speaking. Sex could be awkward, even when you were experienced, but I always knew how Rome wanted me to touch her even if she never said it. With every move I made, she responded in the right way. As if our minds were linked, we danced together like we’d been making love for years.

  After I cleaned off, I cuddled into her side and kissed her bare shoulder. Her natural scent came into my nose, and it made me relax. I loved holding her. Other than sex, it was my favorite thing to do. “You’re beautiful.”

  “So are you.”

  “Not like you,” I whispered. I rested my face in her neck and closed my eyes.

  She didn’t stir and after a few moments, her breathing became deep and regular. I knew she was asleep.

  My heart hummed in excitement and I couldn’t believe my luck. Hopefully, she would sleep here all night. I nuzzled closer to her then closed my eyes, joining her in sleep.

  ***

  I heard the sound of a phone ringing at the recesses of my unconscious mind. My phone was always on vibrate so I knew it didn’t belong to me. Half asleep, I chose to keep my eyes closed and returned to my dreams.

  But the phone rang again. It was loud and noisy, irritating on the ears.

  I cracked an eye open and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was one in the morning. I wished Rome’s phone would stop ringing so I could go to sleep and stay that way. Fortunately, she hadn’t woken up.

  Then the phone rang a third time.

  Rome stirred beside me then sat up. She groaned quietly as she pulled her hair out of her face. When she glanced at the clock and listened to the phone ring, she panicked. “Shit, what time is it?” She got caught in the sheets and stumbled out of bed.

  “It’s one in the morning. Baby, just go back to sleep.”

  “Fuck.” She located her phone in her purse then looked at the screen. She swore again.

  “What’s the matter?” I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

  She changed with lightning speed and slipped her shoes on. “I have to go.”

  “It’s one in the morning! Just stay here.”

  “I have to go!” She stormed down the hallway and put her jacket on at the same time.

  I chased after her, wearing my boxers. “You should just stay. But if you really need to go, let me drive you. You shouldn’t be walking around alone at this time of night.”

  “I’ll be fine.” She reached the front door then ripped it open.

  I grabbed her wrist. “Let me take you.”

  She twisted out of my grasp then savagely pushed me. “I don’t have time for this. Back off, Thomas.” She left the apartment then dashed through the hallway.

  I stood there, trying to process everything that happened while I was half asleep. She stormed out of there like it was an emergency, and who kept calling her so late? She seemed flustered, truly panicked.

  It went against everything I believed in to let her walk out on her own. But I had a feeling she would be livid with me if I chased after her. She’d never been so vicious to be, never pushed me away like that.

  I closed the door then leaned against it, trying to figure out what was going on. Why did she refuse to sleep here? Who called her? Was it the same person who called last time and made her cry? Why was she so elusive?

  What was she hiding?

  ***

  When I arrived at work the following morning, I was in a bad mood. I hadn’t gone back to sleep after Rome left, and I was irritated that she left like that. Who kept calling her? Why did she freak out like that? She acted like someone had died or something.

  I walked past her desk and knew she hadn’t come to work yet. I’d never stuck my nose in her business before, but I was getting tired of her odd behavior. I was going to confront her after work and see what the problem was.

  When nine o’ clock came around, Rome still hadn’t come to work. Where was she? She hadn’t even called and told me she would be late. But what if something happened? What if she got in an accident on her way home last night? My anger evaporated as the concern kicked in. I picked up my office phone and called her, needing to hear her voice.

  A man answered. “Yeah?”

  Did I dial the wrong number? “This is Mr. Riley, Rome’s boss. May I speak to her?”

  “She’s sick.” That was all he said.

  “Is she okay?” She was fine last night.

  “She’ll be fine.” His annoyance was clear in his voice. “She’ll be back to work in a few days.”

  “Uh, okay. Whom am I speaking to?”

  “Her husband.”

  ***

  The world wouldn’t stop spinning. I dropped the phone back on the receiver and stared at it for a long time, expecting it to give me an explanation of what that man just said.

  I gripped my skull as the betrayal shook me.

  She was married.

  She had a husband.

  She cheated on him.

  With me.

  Unspeakable anger washed through me in tidal waves. I couldn’t believe this was happening. When I thought about the past six months, I reflected on her elusive behavior. She never talked about her personal life, and she was closed like a clam. When I asked her if she would ever marry, she said no. But she was already married. When I asked if we were monogamous, she said yes. She lied again.

  I never felt so stupid in my life. Now everything made sense. She didn’t want a serious relationship with me because she was already hitched. She had a husband she went home to every day. Why she decided to have an affair is beyond me. If she wasn’t happy with him, why did she marry him?

  I thought Rome was a sweet girl who was honest and caring, but she played me like a fool. When I brought her soup and she practically threw me out on my face, it was because her husband was probably home. Then she threw away the soup because it was evidence. Now I understood why she never invited me to her place and why we only went to mine. Now I knew why she could only see me certain days of the week. It must be the time when her husband was away.

  I wanted to scream.

  I knocked everything off my desk except my computer because I was so angry. I treated Rome with nothing but respect and made it abundantly clear I would never sleep with a married woman. I told her how much I hated the sleazebags I worked with. Now I was worse than them. They had affairs, but now I had sex with someone who was having an affair.

  God, this was bad.

  I couldn’t believe I actually fell for her. The one girl I actually liked turned out to be a lying whore. Why couldn’t I fall for all those other women I’d been with? They were all single and ready to settle down. I had to be a dumbass and fall for the girl who wasn’t available. How could she have an affair and cheat on her husband? Did she have no morals? No ethics? Did she not have any decency whatsoever?

 
; I couldn’t get any work done. I was too damn pissed off to concentrate on anything. Whenever I was with a client, I was short tempered. I tried to push through the day so I could get the hell out of there. I had a date with my punching bag and a bottle of scotch.

  I hated Rome.

  I fucking hated her.

  ***

  On the fourth day, she returned to work.

  I was sitting in my office, rehearsing everything I wanted to say. All I wanted was to tell her off and make her feel lower than dirt. If she wanted to cheat on the man she promised to be faithful to, that was her business. But to use me to carry it out was unacceptable. She could have dragged my name through the mud and given me a reputation I could never reverse.

  I watched her through my glass windows, feeling my hands clench into fists until my knuckles turned white. The only person I’d been this mad at was my brother. But what Rome did hurt a lot more than all those years of torture my brother inflicted on me. I couldn’t believe she pretended to care about my problems and the people who wronged me. Did she lie about everything? Did she lie about us? Did she care about me at all? Or was I just some pretty man in a suit who could make her come.

  I made myself so angry I thought it was a bad idea to confront her at the moment. I had never hit a woman in my life, but I wanted to strangle Rome. Unable to unclench my jaw or return to calm, I stayed inside my office.

  But Rome made the mistake of opening the door. Her face was heavy with make up, more than I’d ever seen her wear, and she looked weak, like she hadn’t eaten or drank anything in weeks. When she looked at me, fear gripped her eyes.

  She should be afraid.

  She approached my desk, walking slowly like she was in pain. “Thomas—”

  “Don’t talk.” I rose to my feet and stared her down, giving her a look of hate that she completely deserved. “Pack up your shit and get the hell out of my office. You’re fired.”

  She looked like she’d been slapped. “Thomas, I—”

  “Get. Out.” I gripped the edge of the desk so I wouldn’t grab her by the hair. “You disrespected me in an unforgiveable way. You used me, played me, and lied to me. What you do on your own time is none of my business, but I made it absolutely clear that I would never be a part of something so undeniably wrong. I can’t even look at you the same way anymore. Now get your shit and go back to your husband.”