A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “Please—”

  “Shut up,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear anything you possibly have to say. Everything that comes out of that mouth is a lie. After everything you did to hurt me, I don’t want to look at you. I don’t want to speak to you. I want you out of my life and on the street.”

  Her eyes watered with tears. “Please let me explain.”

  “No.”

  “Please don’t fire me! I need this…”

  “Please don’t fuck with my heart, Rome. I need it.” I knew I was being unbelievably cold but I didn’t care. She deserved worse.

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “No, it was. Now go.”

  “Please, I’m begging. I can’t lose this job.”

  “You should have thought about that before you fucked your boss and made him fall in—before you betrayed the trust he had in you.”

  “You don’t understand. I can’t lose this job. Switch me with another secretary if you have to.”

  All she cared about was keeping her job? She didn’t care about me at all. Despite that fact, I grew soft and felt the sympathy come through. I was the one who decided to sleep with her. I was the one who kissed her in the beginning. If I followed my own rules on conduct, we wouldn’t be here. While Rome was in the wrong about our relationship, it had nothing to do with work. “Fine. You’re switching with Theresa again. Pack up your things and get away from me.”

  She stayed rooted to the spot, her eyes wet with tears.

  “I said get out,” I threatened.

  She looked like she wanted to say something, to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. But she didn’t. She turned on her heel and opened the door.

  “Rome.”

  She looked back at me. “Never speak to or look at me again.”

  She averted her gaze then let the door shut behind her.

  Chapter Five

  Arsen

  Holding my daughter and telling her I loved her was the greatest feeling in the world. I thought she would hate me. I thought she would never want to see me again. I thought she wouldn’t know who I was.

  But she did.

  She looked at me with those bright blues and knew I was her father.

  Everything in my past seemed to fade away. My previous life was gone. Now all that mattered was my daughter. I thought about her constantly, wondering what her favorite color was or what she liked to eat. I wondered if she’d been thinking about me.

  I was distracted for the next week because Abby was on my mind. When I got off work, I went to a toy store and tried to find the right gift for her. I didn’t want to go over empty handed. I’d missed so many birthdays and Christmases. I had a lot to make up for.

  When I got paid again, I worked on Abby’s room. I got her a twin bed with a pink comforter that had wild horses on it. White furniture highlighted the bed, and I got her a toy box and put different dolls inside it. I spent a lot of time decorating it, not sure what a six-year-old would like. But after spending the afternoon with her, I felt like I knew her.

  I hadn’t bothered Lydia again because I wanted to take this slow. If I demanded to see Abby every single day, it would probably make her upset. I had to give her the control, or at least let her think she had it.

  I texted her after a week went by, unable to wait anymore. I would love to see Abby whenever you have time. I kept my message vague and open. I didn’t want to give her the impression that I felt entitled to Abby. Lydia didn’t trust me, and she wouldn’t trust me for a long time.

  She texted me back. I’ll meet you in Central Park on Saturday morning.

  My heart leapt in joy and I couldn’t help but be excited. I’ll be there. Thank you so much.

  ***

  “She has my eyes.” I paced the area behind my desk while Ryan sat in the chair. “She has these beautiful blue eyes and they’re identical to mine. And she has dark brown hair like me. It’s thick too.” I kept pacing, feeling the excitement in my bones. “And she has the sweetest laugh. It’s like…the most beautiful sound I ever heard.”

  Ryan watched me with a grin on his face. “She sounds wonderful.”

  “And she’s so smart. She knew who I was. She knew I was her father.”

  “Very astute kid.”

  “She recognized our similar features. She knew!”

  “That’s awesome, Arsen.”

  “I love her. Ryan, I love her.” I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath. “I’ve never loved someone so much in my entire life. How is that possible? I hardly know Abby. But it’s true…”

  He played with his wedding band. “I know what you mean, Arsen. When I held my children for the first time, I felt the same way.”

  “It’s…the most amazing feeling in the world.”

  “It is,” he agreed. “And it never changes, even when they get older. Slade’s annoying and drives me crazy, but I love him and Silke more than anything on this planet. And my wife, of course.”

  I sunk back into my chair. “I can’t believe I abandoned her. She hasn’t had a father in six years…” I was ashamed. I’d been embarrassed a lot in my life, but nothing compared to the fact I abandoned my little girl. “I’ll never forgive myself for it.”

  “All you can do is try to be the best father you can be.”

  “I will. I’ll try.”

  “Do you have a picture of Abby?”

  “No.” My throat tightened in sadness. “I wanted to take a picture of her but I didn’t want to piss off Lydia.”

  “That’s smart. Do whatever she wants, Arsen. Remember, you have to butter her up as much as Abby.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re lucky she was willing to even consider letting you see Abby.”

  “Well, she went through everything I owned,” I said with a laugh. “And I’ve been patient and respectful to her. I was glad it worked out that way. If not, I don’t know. I would have to watch Abby from far away and reveal myself when she became an adult.”

  “Thankfully that didn’t happen.”

  “I can’t wait for you to meet her,” I blurted. “You’ll love her.”

  “I’m sure I will, Arsen. When are you seeing her again?”

  “On Saturday,” I said. “We’re going to the park.” I’d never been so excited to visit a public park.

  “That sounds nice.”

  “Yeah…” I couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

  “Keep it up, Arsen. Lydia will let you spend more time with Abby if you keep being a good father.”

  “That’s what I’m hoping for.”

  He stood up. “I should head out.”

  Silke had been on my mind a lot lately. I wanted to introduce her to Abby. I imagined them snuggled on the couch together watching a movie. Silke would love my daughter as much as I did. We could be a family.

  I wanted to ask Ryan for his permission to contact her, but I wasn’t sure if it was wise. Perhaps he was waiting until I was finally allowed to care for Abby on my own. Maybe then he would give me permission. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

  ***

  I reached the meeting spot by the swings half an hour early just in case Lydia and Abby got there sooner. I had the gift for Abby and I was eager to see her face when I gave it to her. Nerves moved through my stomach, but the excitement was wonderful. I got to spend the morning playing with Abby. I’d been looking forward to it for days.

  I spotted a woman and a little girl headed my direction down the path. I stood up, the need to see my daughter coursing through my limbs. They came closer, and I spotted Lydia holding Abby’s hand.

  When Abby was close enough, she spotted me. “It’s Daddy!” She pointed at me.

  Fuck, I’m going to cry again.

  “Yes, that’s him,” Lydia said.

  Abby tore her hand away from Lydia’s then ran right at me. “Daddy!”

  Was this really happening? Was she running at me? Was she really excited to see me?

  I kneeled then extend
ed my arms to her.

  She jumped into my chest and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You caught me!”

  “I’ll always catch you, kid.”

  “Kid?” she asked.

  I realized I used the nickname Ryan gave me. “Is that okay?”

  “Sure,” she said with a giggle. “But I won’t be a kid forever. Since I’ve been eating all my spinach, I’m going to be a giant someday.”

  “Make sure you don’t step on me.”

  She giggled again. “Daddy’s funny…”

  I stood up then held her with one arm. It felt like I’d done this a hundred times. I automatically knew how to hold her. Being a father was difficult, but it didn’t seem so complicated with Abby. All I wanted was to love her. As long as I did that, I was okay.

  Lydia watched us together, her eyes always examining everything I did. “Hello, Arsen.”

  “Hello, Lydia. How are you?”

  “Well. And you?”

  “Well, thank you.” I rocked Abby from side-to-side gently. “I got you something, Abby.”

  “What?” Her eyes were wide with excitement.

  “I’m not telling,” I said. “You have to open it.” I returned her to the ground then handed her the gift.

  She ripped it apart until she found a stuffed, soft pink pony. I searched the entire toy store until I found it. It seemed like something she would love.

  She immediately squeezed it to her chest and a tiny scream came out. “Pony!”

  My eyes watered watching her.

  “Mom, look!” She held it up to Lydia.

  Lydia examined it. “It’s very nice, Abby. You can sleep with him as well as the others.”

  Abby hugged it tightly, like it was a new pet.

  I was glad I got her something she loved. I wanted to make good memories with her, to show her she was my princess and I would always shower her with gifts and affection.

  “Let Mommy hold it so you can play. You don’t want to get it dirty, right?”

  “No!” Abby’s eyes were wide with fear. “No.”

  “I’ll take good care of him.” Lydia pulled the pony out of her grasp.

  “Promise?” Abby asked.

  “I promise.” Lydia gave her a smile. “I’ll be sitting on the benches. You two have fun.” She walked away, leaving me alone with Abby.

  “What should we do first?” she asked in excitement.

  I didn’t know how to play with kids. This was my first time. “Do you like the swings?”

  “Yeah!”

  “Let me push you on the swing.”

  Abby ran to the spot then stared at the empty seat.

  “Get on, kid.”

  She extended her arms to me like she wanted me to pick her up.

  I was new to this. I wasn’t sure what she wanted. But then it dawned on me. I picked her up then I put her in the swing. Then I started to push her gently.

  “Higher, Daddy!”

  “That’s as high as it goes,” I lied. “I’m not as strong as you.”

  She swung her feet out to get more height but I kept the momentum low so she wouldn’t fall out and hurt herself. Now I understood why parents were overprotective of everything. The last thing they wanted was for their children to get hurt. It was the worst fear I could imagine. The thought made me think of Ryan. I hurt his daughter and broke her heart. And I felt like shit for causing both of them pain.

  Abby and I did the slide next. She would ride it down to the bottom until I caught her. Then she would climb up the ladder and do it again, wanting me to watch her the entire time.

  After that, we played tag. I was the chaser most of the time because I always let her win. She giggled and screamed while we played, loving the game. I purposely jogged slowly and pretended to get lost when I tried to chase her on the playground. But she laughed so loudly that it was hard to pretend I didn’t know where she was.

  By one in the afternoon, we were both tired. Abby wanted to keep playing, but judging by the droop of her eyes, she was ready to take a nap. We walked back to the bench, and she did something I didn’t expect. She grabbed my hand and held it.

  I stared at our joined fingers, unable to believe this moment had come to pass. It was the first time she grabbed my hand like that. For the first time, I really felt like a father. I really felt like she was a part of my life. Like I was a part of her.

  “Have a good time?” Lydia asked.

  “We had a lot of fun,” I said.

  “Did you keep him safe?” Abby asked, looking at the stuffed pony in her mother’s arms.

  “Very safe,” she said.

  “Thanks, Mom.” She grabbed him then held him like a teddy bear.

  “Sure, honey.” Lydia stroked her hair then kissed her forehead. “I think it’s time for to head home.”

  I didn’t want the day to end. I only got to see her for a few hours. I wanted more time. Why couldn’t I have all day? I held back my frustration and kept my irritation in check. All I wanted was to spend time with my daughter. I couldn’t get enough of her.

  “I don’t want to go home!” Abby pouted. “I want to see Daddy.”

  “Honey, it’s time to go home,” Lydia said firmly.

  “No!” Abby stomped her foot. “I never see Daddy. Why don’t you want me to see him?”

  I was glad Abby warmed up to me so quickly but I didn’t want Lydia to be upset by that. Naturally, she would be hurt if she took care of Abby alone for six years, and then I came into the picture and immediately became the hero. I didn’t want Lydia to resent me or restrict my time with Abby. “Abby, do as your mother says.”

  Abby looked at me with disappointment in her eyes. I knew she saw me as the cool parent, the one who wanted to play with her all day long. I wasn’t the one who made her take naps or eat her vegetables. While I wanted her to be excited to see me, I wanted her to view me as a disciplinarian too.

  “Kid, you need your rest. Princesses become beautiful because of all that beauty sleep they get.”

  “Really?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” I kneeled down and looked at her. “Your mom does a good job taking care of you. Do as she says. She knows what’s best for you.”

  “But I want to stay with you…” She looked devastated.

  I didn’t want to leave her either but I couldn’t say that and make Lydia look like the mean parent.

  Lydia watched our interaction. “How about we let Daddy put you down for a nap?”

  “Okay!” Abby hopped on her toes.

  I looked at Lydia, surprised by that offer.

  All she did was offer me a small smile. “Let’s go home.” She grabbed Abby’s hand then led her down the path. I walked on the other side of Abby, and like last time, Abby grabbed my hand. The three of us made a line together, and in a dysfunctional way, we were a family.

  ***

  When Abby got into bed, she grabbed the book from her nightstand then shoved it into my arms. “Read to me.”

  I held it in my hands then looked up at Lydia.

  She gave me an encouraging nod.

  I opened the book then turned to the first page. If Ryan hadn’t taught me to read and pushed me to improve, I probably would have struggled to read a simple children’s book.

  I began to read aloud. Abby pulled the blanket over her chest then turned on her side. Her eyes were still open while she watched me, and then slowly, they began to close. Unsure if she was asleep yet, I kept reading. When I finished the book, her chest was rising and falling at a steady pace.

  I set the book on her nightstand then slowly left the room.

  Lydia gave me a quick smile. “You’re good with her.”

  “I am?” I asked.

  “Yeah. She likes you.”

  “Thank god,” I blurted.

  She chuckled.

  Now that Abby was asleep, there was no point in me sticking around. I wanted Lydia and I to be friends but I never wanted to give her the impression I wanted to be with her again. “I guess
I should go…” I headed toward the door.

  “She’ll be awake in an hour if you want to stay,” she said. “Then we can have lunch together.”

  I stopped and turned around. More time with Abby was exactly what I wanted. Maybe I could stick around all day. “I’d love to.”

  “Great.” She sat on the couch and turned on the TV.

  I sat on the same couch, sitting as far away from Lydia as possible.

  She crossed her legs then turned to me. “You see how attached Abby has become to you?”

  I looked at her, finding it unnecessary to answer the question.

  “She talks about you all the time. Her teacher told me she kept telling the other students she has a daddy now.”

  My heart swelled in joy.

  “So, if you left, she’d be devastated.” There was accusation in her eyes. “She’d be heartbroken, and she would never forgive you. I would never forgive you.”

  I held her gaze and didn’t look away. “I’ll never leave, Lydia. I love her.”

  She continued to size me up. “I hope that’s true. Not for me, but for our daughter.”

  “She couldn’t get rid of me if she tried. I’ll be that annoying parent that protects her from everything, who forces her to obey her curfew, who scares the dogs away when they come sniffing around. I’ll be the best father I can possibly be. Not of out obligation or duty, but because I want to.”

  Satisfied with that response, she looked away.

  ***

  For the next month, I saw Abby whenever I could. I always asked Lydia for permission and gave her the control in the situation. It was important she liked me personally, and more importantly, trusted me.

  Lydia and I took her to the zoo, and I was invited over for dinner a few times a week. Anytime Lydia invited me to anything, I was there. It didn’t matter if I had to catch up on work or if I had plans with Ryan. I ditched everything to be with Abby. I wanted Lydia to know my daughter was my one and only priority.