A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  She hadn’t offered to let me see Abby alone, and I wasn’t sure if I should ask. I had a room for Abby at my place, and all the supplies I needed to take care of her. The idea of spending some quality time with just the two of us was what I craved most. I wanted her to recognize me as a parent, someone who was just as involved in her life as Lydia was.

  Every time I thought I found the courage to ask, I changed my mind. Lydia said she would determine if and when I was ready. If I mentioned it, that might upset her. It may come off as too forward. Too scared to ruin what I had, I bottled my request and let Lydia have complete control.

  I was at work one afternoon when Lydia called me. She didn’t usually call me so early in the day, so I wasn’t sure what she wanted. I was with a customer, so I let the secretary take over and I returned to the privacy of my office.

  “Hello, Lydia,” I said into the phone.

  “Arsen, are you busy?” she said quickly. She sounded stressed.

  “I’m just at work. Why?”

  “I have to work late today. We have corporate officers coming to evaluate us. My mom can’t pick up Abby from school, and neither can I. Can you?”

  I practically fist-pounded the air. She was relying on me as an equal parent. She turned to me because she trusted me with the responsibility. Now I got to pick up Abby, just like I always wanted. “Of course, I can.”

  “Thank god.” She sighed into the phone. “I don’t know when I’ll be able to get out of here.”

  “So…can I take her to my place?” I sat on the desk and waited for her response.

  “Yeah, I’ll pick her up whenever I’m free.”

  Yes. Yes. Yes. “Okay, just give me the address and I’ll take care of it.”

  ***

  I arrived at the school a few minutes early and waited outside with the other parents. There was a circular fountain near the flagpole. The building was composed of red bricks. Just from the outside, it looked expensive.

  The bell rang and kids started to leave through the front doors. They walked to the spots where their parents met them every single day. When Abby came out, she looked to the left, the location where Lydia usually stood. When she didn’t see her, she started to look scared.

  “Abby.” I waved my hand so she would see me.

  She turned her gaze on me, and excitement like I’ve never seen exploded in her eyes. A squeal escaped her lips and she ran at me as fast as she could. “Daddy!” Her backpack was bouncing and her hair was coming loose from her ponytail because she was running so hard. When she reached me, she tripped.

  Instinctively, I grabbed her and stopped her from colliding with the concrete.

  Abby didn’t seem to care about her near accident. “Daddy! You’re here to pick me up?”

  “I am, sweetheart.”

  She moved into my chest and hugged me like I’d just given her the best gift in the toy store.

  Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Geez, this girl gave me the water works like no other. “Did you have a good day at school?” I whispered.

  “Yep.” She stepped back and hopped on her toes. “I traded my yucky apple for Benny’s Fruit Roll Up.”

  I chuckled. “That’s a good trade.”

  “It was so good.” She pointed at her mouth. “But I got pieces stuck in my teeth. It feels like snails are in there.”

  “Snails?” I asked in surprise.

  “Yeah, it’s sticky…”

  I smiled, feeling my affection for her grow. “Like glue?”

  “Yeah, but snails are stickier.”

  “I’ve never noticed.”

  “Look on the bottom of your shoe after you step on them. There’s slime…”

  I tried not to laugh so I wouldn’t embarrass her. She was just so cute. “I’ll remember that.” I stood up then took her hand. “Let’s head home and have a snack.”

  “Where do you live?” she asked.

  “I have a place nearby.”

  “I’ve never seen it,” she said. “Do you have a dog?”

  “No.” Did she want a dog?

  “Oh…” The disappointment was obvious.

  Should I get a dog? Would she like that? We took a cab to my apartment so she wouldn’t have to walk so far, and then we went inside.

  Abby looked around, seeing the expansive windows, spacious living room and kitchen, and the solid hardwood floors. “Your house is much bigger than Mommy’s.”

  “Size doesn’t matter.”

  “Where’s my room?” she asked.

  “The first door on the left.”

  She held up each hand and looked at her outstretched thumb and pointer finger. The left hand created an L so she pointed to the left then sprinted into the room.

  I tossed my keys and wallet on the counter then checked my phone, seeing if Lydia had called.

  “Wow!” Abby’s voice echoed down the hall.

  I grinned to myself.

  She came back into the hallway. “It’s so cool!”

  I put my hands in my pockets then joined her.

  Her backpack was thrown on the bed and she was rummaging through the toy box. “My bed has ponies on it!”

  “I thought you’d like it.”

  She grabbed a bunch of toys then started playing with them on the rug.

  I watched her, feeling my heart swell to an unimaginable size. She was so innocent and small, and she loved me.

  My daughter loved me.

  The look on her face when she saw me is one I’ll never forget—for as long as I live. “Sweetheart?”

  “Hmm?” She kept looking at her toys.

  “Let’s leave the toys for now and get a snack.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  I knew I had to be an authoritative parent. I wanted Abby to like me, but I didn’t want to be the parent who let her get away with anything. She would have to obey me and know that her mother’s rules still applied here. “Abby, come to the table.”

  She sighed then put her toys down.

  At least she didn’t put up a fight.

  After she sat down, I made her half a sandwich with slices of apple.

  She pointed at the fruit with a disgusted look on her face. “I hate those.”

  “Why?”

  “They hurt my teeth.”

  I sat across from her and stilled. “They hurt your teeth?”

  She pointed to the back of her mouth. “It hurts…I don’t like them.”

  Was that normal? Did children’s teeth hurt often? I immediately pulled out my phone and began my research. There were a few articles on Google, but I doubted Abby had premature tooth decay or a bone deficiency. “Do your teeth hurt all the time?”

  “Whenever I eat hard things…” She ate the sandwich but steered clear of the fruit.

  I continued to do research until I couldn’t figure it out. I was flabbergasted. I knew nothing about children or teeth. But I was worried. What if there was something seriously wrong with her? What if she needed medical attention? I was so scared that I didn’t want to risk it. “Abby, let’s go.”

  “Where?” she asked. “I want to play in my room.”

  I lifted her from the chair then held her with one arm. “We’re going to the dentist.”

  She immediately stiffened. “I hate the dentist!”

  “Abby, it’ll be okay.” I left the apartment then headed to the street. There was a pediatric dental office just a few blocks over.

  “Don’t make me go…” She clutched my shirt with her small fists.

  “Abby, it’ll make you feel better.”

  “But I hate it…” She started to cry.

  I hated listening to her cry. Not because it was annoying, but because it hurt. “Sweetheart, there’s nothing to be scared of. Daddy is here. And Daddy will never let anything happen to you.” I didn’t want her first memory of spending alone time with me to be associated with the pain of the dentist but I didn’t have a choice.

  “Promise?”

  “I promise, sweetheart.�
� I entered the dental office then immediately headed to the receptionist. “My daughter is having pain in her mouth on the right side. I need to see a dentist.”

  The woman didn’t look at me. She was making a note, looking irritated. “Sign in,” she said in a bored voice.

  I tried to remain patient and filled in my name.

  “Insurance?” She turned to me, but her attitude completely changed once she took in my features. She was clearly attracted to me, judging by the dilation of her eyes.

  “Uh, I don’t have any. But I’ll pay for everything out of pocket.”

  “Okay.” She handed me papers to fill out. After it was completed, she asked me to take a seat.

  I sat beside the small fish tank so Abby could watch the fish swim by. There were two hermit crabs at the bottom and a small shrimp. Watching them distracted Abby, and she didn’t seem scared of the dentist anymore.

  The receptionist called me forward and took us in the back. I was relieved we were getting seen so quickly. I knew Abby was in pain and I wanted to make sure the problem was fixable.

  I put Abby in the chair then sat beside her.

  Abby already looked scared. She eyed the lamp overhead and the tools nearby.

  “Sweetheart, Daddy is right here,” I said quietly.

  My words gave her some strength.

  The hygienist came in and took a look at Abby. Then wordlessly, she left and retrieved the dentist. He put on his gloves then examined her mouth.

  I sat still, trying to be patient and remain calm.

  “Chipped tooth,” he said. “It’s small, but that’s what’s causing the pain.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. At least it was something minor.

  “It’s pretty common in young children. Fortunately, it can be easily fixed.” He pulled his tools close to him. “I’m going to repair it now.”

  “Thank you,” I said gratefully.

  Abby watched him with a frightened expression.

  “Abby, he’s going to make it better. Just be a good girl, okay?”

  She took a deep breath. “Okay, Daddy.”

  ***

  When we headed back to my apartment, my phone rang.

  “Why aren’t you answering your door?” Lydia barked as soon as I answered.

  “We just entered the building. I’ll explain when I get up there.”

  “You better hurry.” She hung up.

  I wasn’t sure why she was so mad. I headed upstairs while I held Abby’s hand. When we reached my door, Lydia breathed a sigh of relief then hugged Abby tightly. “You okay, honey?”

  Why wouldn’t she be? I was hurt Lydia questioned Abby’s safety at all.

  “Daddy made it feel better,” Abby said.

  “Made what feel better?” Lydia asked.

  She opened her mouth and pointed at her back tooth. “He made the boo-boo go away.”

  Lydia shot me a quizzical look.

  “Abby said she didn’t like to eat apples because they hurt her teeth. I was worried so I took her to the dentist. Apparently, she had a cracked tooth. But the dentist fixed it.”

  “Oh…” She ran her fingers through her hair for a moment. “That’s where you were?”

  I nodded.

  She picked up Abby and held her tightly. “I’m glad you feel better, honey.”

  I watched them, feeling sad. My big day with Abby was over. I didn’t even get to do anything fun with her. Now Lydia would take her away again.

  Lydia put Abby down then came closer to me. “Thank you for taking care of her.”

  “Of course. I was scared.”

  “You did the right thing,” she said.

  “Yeah…I’m just glad I fixed her pain.”

  For the first time, she touched me. She patted me on the arm. “You’re a great father, Arsen.”

  My heart swelled and almost burst.

  “How about you take Abby this weekend?”

  My face broke out in a grin and I almost screamed in joy. I got to have Abby all weekend? To myself? We could get ice cream and play in the park? We could have breakfast together and watch cartoons? She was really entrusting me with this responsibility. “I would absolutely love to.”

  Chapter Six

  Slade

  The last conversation I had with Trinity replayed in my mind indefinitely. She and I had argued since the beginning, and there were times when we said mean things to one another but what I said…was over the line.

  I was just angry that I wasn’t getting my way. Not being with her was plaguing my life and killing me. All I wanted was to sleep with her every night, make love to her, and then do it all over again the following day. I didn’t want anyone but her.

  Why couldn’t I have her?

  In my frustration, I lashed out at her and said some things I didn’t mean. Being with Trinity wasn’t like being in a prison—at all. It was a stupid thing for me to say.

  I needed to apologize to her. But I needed some space to cool off. Even though I understood what she wanted, I was frustrated I wasn’t getting my way. Like a brat that couldn’t have cookies before dinner, I threw a tantrum.

  I was quiet at work because I was too depressed to be myself. Razor asked about band practice and our next shows, but I always brushed him off and changed the subject. Music used to be my passion, but now I didn’t touch my guitar. Every song I’d written was about that blonde with gorgeous legs. I thought about her constantly, but when I strummed the strings, she came to me vividly, leaving me depressed all over again.

  Dad and I got lunch when the shop slowed down around noon, and we headed to Mega Shake, our usual place. I ordered a burger and fries like usual, but the food didn’t taste as good as I remembered. Nothing did.

  Dad chewed his food and watched me from across the table. “You okay, kid?”

  I shrugged then kept eating.

  “So, you and Trinity still can’t work it out, huh?”

  “I don’t want to talk about her,” I whispered. I didn’t even want to think about her. I just wanted a break, even for five minutes. Whenever her face came into my mind, her smell came into my nose too. I could imagine her presence if I tried hard enough.

  Dad ate his fries then spoke again. “Slade, this is Trinity.” He said it like that sentence explained everything. “Just work it out with her. You’ve been miserable for almost two months now. There’s no possible reason you can’t make it work.”

  I left my burger on the tray because I couldn’t force myself to eat it. “She wants to get married…”

  “So?” Dad looked confused, like he missed a key part of the story.

  “I don’t.”

  “Now or ever?”

  “Ever,” I said. “When we went to Florida, she assumed I was proposing. When I didn’t, she was upset. Then she cornered me and asked when I intended to ask, if ever. That’s when everything hit the fan.”

  He studied my face for a moment, like he’d find more information if he looked hard enough. “I was always under the impression you were head-over-heels for this girl.”

  “I am,” I said firmly.

  “And that you loved her.”

  “More than anything.”

  He took a deep breath and gave me a serious look. “Then give her what she wants, Slade.”

  “That’s the thing,” I argued. “I offered to marry her. But apparently, I said it in such a way that made it sound like I was only doing it because she was forcing me.”

  “I can see that,” he said with a light grin.

  “So she said we’re done for good. We’ve gone back and forth a lot since, and I slept with her again, but then…” I remembered the fight. “We had words and…I said a lot of mean things.”

  “What did you say?” he asked calmly.

  “I said being married to her would be like having chains around my neck…like being in prison.”

  He cringed like he was in pain. “Why the hell did you say that?”

  “I was just mad. Why do we have to g
et married? Why can’t we just stay the same? It’s a stupid tradition that arises from days when women had to marry otherwise they were left on the street to fend for themselves. Things are different now. Women are independent and the whole purpose of marriage is void. Why do we have to continue a ridiculous tradition?”

  “I agree that was the main purpose of marriage—in those times. I also agree that some women simply marry for security—financial or otherwise. But that’s not why Trinity wants to get married and you know it.”

  I stared at my tray.

  “Trinity is smart and successful. She’ll always make more money than you.”

  I didn’t care about the insult.

  “She’s a beautiful girl. Any guy would kill to have her. Loneliness is not a problem for her. The reason, the only reason, why she wants to marry is because she’s in love with you. Nowadays, marriage is a unification of two people. An acknowledgment that they’re committed to one another. They choose to be together. They don’t need each other. There’s a big difference, Slade.”

  I scratched my head and continued to stare at the tray.

  “Slade, marriage isn’t that frightening. I know it’s something you want.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “You do know,” he said firmly. “And you need to realize that before it’s too late. You’ve already wasted so much time dancing around the issue. Trinity may love you, but she won’t put up with your hesitation forever. I can promise you that someone else will scoop her up.”

  The idea of Trinity being with anyone else made me sick. “She won’t date someone new for a very long time. I have nothing to worry about.”

  “I wouldn’t rely on that,” he said quietly. “People do stupid stuff when they’re depressed.”

  “Trinity won’t,” I said firmly. “I know she loves me.” The idea of hooking up with someone new never crossed my mind. I didn’t want to even touch a girl. The only person I wanted was Trinity. I knew she felt the same way.

  “Don’t waste too much time figuring it out,” he said. “And you should apologize for what you said.”

  “I know…” I’d been thinking about it for a while.

  “Slade, you know I never wanted to marry until I met your mother. I don’t have a single regret. The idea of spending forever with her is what I want more than anything.”