A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  Silke came into my mind, and all I could see was her face. I immediately stepped away, feeling like I just betrayed her by letting Lydia get too close. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  Lydia had a hurt look on her face.

  I had to think of something quickly. “For Abby,” I blurted. “If we got together and it didn’t work out…what would that do to her? What we have right now is great. Abby is happy, and since I left her for so long, I want her to have as stable of a family life as possible. I can’t risk hurting my little girl or getting her hopes up. Please tell me you understand.” Using Abby as an excuse was horrible, but I knew it was the only way to get myself out of this tense situation.

  She nodded her head even though her eyes looked sad. “You’re right…”

  Hallelujah.

  “It’s probably not a good idea.”

  Crisis averted.

  “I just thought it would be nice if we could be a family—a real one.”

  “We are a family,” I said firmly. “You and I respect each other, and we both love our daughter. We can still spend holidays together, and take Abby places. It’s not traditional but that doesn’t diminish the unity we have.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded. “You’re just so…perfect. I guess I couldn’t help myself.”

  Perfect? Me? I tried not to laugh. “I’m a very flawed man, Lydia. I do my best to be a good person but that doesn’t erase my past and what I did to you and Abby. If I were you, I would never give me another chance—romantically.” And I definitely didn’t want one.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Arsen.”

  “No, I always will be.” I clenched my jaw when I remembered the guy I used to be. I was a classic jerk, a coward. How could she even consider me desirable? Just because I was a different person now didn’t mean I wasn’t a monster before.

  Before my thoughts became too dark, I decided to leave. “Good night, Lydia.”

  “Good night, Arsen.”

  I stepped out and moved to the hallway.

  “Arsen?”

  I turned around.

  “How about we trade off with Abby every other weekend?”

  My heart melted. “I would love that.”

  “And you’re welcome to come over here on the weekends when I have her.”

  “That would be great. Thank you.”

  She stared at me with a fond look. “I’m glad you came back to us, Arsen.”

  I nodded. “Me too.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Slade

  Anger coursed through me like an incoming tide. All I could see was red, shiny and hot. My skin was on my fire and my fists needed to collide with something. Everything I had believed in was stripped from me. When I looked through that window and saw my worst nightmare, something inside me snapped.

  Reid.

  She was with Reid.

  She was having dinner with him and her family.

  Reid.

  I hated that fucker.

  I walked for a long time, not having any destination. I just needed to keep moving my feet, to keep heading somewhere. When the agony became too much, I tried to convince myself that all of this was just a dream. That none of this was real. But it never worked.

  How had this happened? Trinity and I were so happy together, and then like a bolt of lightning out of the sky, our lives were ripped apart in the blink of an eye. She and I didn’t even know each other anymore. She’d been spending time with Reid for the past month, maybe longer. Even if she was telling the truth and they were just friends, how long would that last? How long would it be before they fell in love?

  How long would it be before he married her?

  I reached my apartment before sunrise then sat at the kitchen table. I put my head in my hands and tried to slow my breathing. Fire burned inside me, and no matter what I did, it couldn’t be put out. My chest heaved with pain. A thousand knives had penetrated me at once. I felt sick. I felt dead. I felt tortured.

  Her words came back to me, when she said who she spent time with shouldn’t matter to me. I didn’t want to marry her, so if she did spend time with Reid, she was doing nothing wrong.

  I couldn’t deny that logic.

  But the idea of him touching her, kissing her, and… I couldn’t even finish the thought.

  The sun rose through my window and hit my face but I was immune to the feeling of warmth and light. All I wanted was to sit in my dark cave and become nocturnal. I never wanted to leave my sanctuary. If I did, the light would burn me.

  My chest wouldn’t stop heaving, and I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was breaking down on me. It couldn’t survive this torture much longer. Trinity wasn’t just a drug to me. She was life itself. Never in my life had I been as happy as when I was with her. Could I really just let that end? Could I let her walk away? Could I let her end up with anyone but me?

  ***

  I slammed my fists on Skye’s door as loud as I could. I beat the door like a drum set, anxiously waiting for a response.

  The door swung open, and Cayson stood in his sweatpants without a shirt. His eyes were wide with annoyance, and he was breathing hard. “What the hell is the damn emergency?”

  I walked inside. “I need to talk to you. Get dressed.”

  “Uh, I’m busy right now.”

  “You can fuck your girlfriend later,” I snapped. “Now change.”

  “I can have a conversation with you wearing this.”

  “Just do as I say! And tell Skye to get dressed too.”

  “Why?”

  “I need you guys to help me with something.”

  Cayson sighed. “If you weren’t my best friend…”

  “Even in an alternative universe, that would still be true. Now go.”

  He headed down the hall and shut he door. A few minutes later, both Cayson and Skye returned, looking annoyed.

  “You can finish when we get back.” I didn’t care if I was rude. I didn’t care about anything except Trinity right now.

  “What’s this about?” Skye put her hair up since it was so messy.

  “I saw Trinity with Reid last night.”

  Skye froze and so did Cayson.

  “What?” Cayson asked.

  “She was having dinner with him—with Mike and Cassandra.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, remembering the scene. “And she was holding hands with him.”

  “Isn’t that a little soon?” Cayson asked. He turned to Skye in accusation.

  Skye didn’t look at him. “Trinity told me they’re just friends. Slade, she wouldn’t lie to me about that.”

  “Then why is she spending time with him at all?” I demanded.

  “They ran into each other,” she said.

  “Let me guess,” I said bitterly. “At the fucking bank I told her to leave?”

  Skye shrugged but didn’t say anything else.

  Cayson turned his gaze on me. “What do you need us for? I’m not going to help you beat up Reid, if that’s where this is going.”

  “It’s not,” I said. “But that’s not a bad idea.”

  “Slade, I honestly think Trinity is just friends with him,” Skye said. “She would never move on that quickly.”

  “It doesn’t matter if they are just friends,” I said. “Because one day, they won’t just be friends. I’m not stupid. I know exactly what Reid is doing. He’s acting as a friend to her during her depression, but once she feels better, he’s going to cash in his chips and snatch her.”

  Neither Skye nor Cayson disagreed with that statement.

  “Then what are you going to do?” Cayson asked.

  I knew exactly what I was going to do. “I’m going to marry her.”

  ***

  “Oh my god!” Skye couldn’t stop jumping up and down as we walked down the street. “This is so exciting!”

  Cayson was just as thrilled. “I knew you wanted this, man. I knew it.”

  I still felt the same way about ma
rriage. I hadn’t changed my mind. But I wanted Trinity for the rest of my life. I couldn’t stand by and let someone else have her. I could pretend to be the best damn husband anyone had ever seen. “Where do I get the ring?”

  “Tiffany’s,” Skye blurted.

  “Isn’t that place overrated?” Cayson asked.

  “It is,” Skye said. “But I know what Trinity likes.”

  We headed to the store then walked inside. “I need your help, Skye,” I said. “What does she like?”

  We looked at the rings together.

  “Princess cut,” she said.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Definitely.” She said it without hesitation. She pointed into the glass box. “That one right there. It has her name written all over it.”

  I gazed at it and watched the sparkles dance. It was so bright it practically blinded me. The large diamond in the center was flawless, and smaller diamonds surrounded it along the sides. Even the top part of the band was covered in diamonds. “Where’s the price?”

  “They don’t usually post that,” Skye whispered.

  I stared at the ring and knew it was going to cost a fortune. “I’ll get it.”

  Skye released a quiet scream. “This is wonderful!”

  The attendant came over and watched us. “Can I help you?”

  I pointed at the ring. “How much?”

  When she told me the number, I almost fainted. I debated buying it in my mind. I could probably find something cheaper, but I knew, without a doubt, that Trinity would love this ring. She would wear it the rest of her life, and I wanted her to have what she wanted.

  I turned to Cayson. “Can I borrow some money?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, sure. You better pay me back.”

  “Expect payments for the next two to three years,” I said with a miserable sigh.

  I turned to the attendant. “I’ll take it.”

  ***

  I walked out of the store with the teal box in my pocket.

  “Now what?” Skye asked.

  “I’m going to hunt her down then ask,” I said simply. “She’s probably home…”

  “Whoa, hold on,” Cayson said.

  “What?” I snapped. “I’m in a hurry. The longer I wait, the more likely it is Trinity will hook up with Reid.”

  “Think this through,” Cayson said calmly. “You already agreed to marry her once, and she ended the relationship. You really have to make her believe you want this. If she thinks you’re just doing it to keep Reid away, she’ll say no.”

  “He’s right,” Skye said. “You have to do this right.”

  “You have to make this proposal amazing,” Cayson said.

  I growled. “Well, tell me what to do, Cayson. You’re good at this stuff.”

  “I can’t, man. You have to do it. If I plan everything, she’ll know you weren’t behind it.”

  I knew he was right.

  “Besides, you have to ask her father for permission first,” Skye said.

  “Okay…not gonna happen,” I snapped. “Over my dead body.”

  “Slade,” Cayson said firmly. “You have to.”

  “Last time I saw him, he tried to strangle me,” I snapped. “I’m not asking him for anything.”

  “Do you have any idea how hurt Trinity will be if you don’t have her father’s blessing?” Skye asked. “Think about her.”

  I gripped my skull in irritation. “Goddammit, Trinity!”

  “And he won’t strangle you this time,” Cayson said. “The fact you’re committing to her and giving her what she wants will make him happy.”

  I released a sarcastic laugh. “No, he won’t. I’m sure he wants Trinity to be with Reid. He’ll be pissed off that I got my act together.”

  “Either way,” Skye said. “You have to get his permission. You’ll regret it the rest of your life if you don’t.”

  “Remember how much he disapproved of you before?” Cayson said. “But you wore him down.”

  “Do you remember how much of a pain in the ass that was?” I hissed. “And now I have to do it all over again.”

  “Well, you should have just agreed to marry her in the beginning,” Skye said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Instead of pulling all this commitment bullshit on her.”

  “Leave him alone,” Cayson said. “He wants to marry her now. That’s all that matters.”

  Skye gave him the stink eye.

  I nodded to Cayson, glad he stood up for me, especially to Skye.

  “You’ll pay for that comment later,” she said darkly.

  Cayson ignored her. “You have to make sure she really believes it. You have to get her father’s permission, the proposal has to be perfect, and I think you should make some other gesture to prove your sincerity.”

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “You said you would get a tattoo if you ever got married, right?” he asked.

  “Yeah…”

  “I think you should do that before you propose,” Cayson said. “What could be more convincing than that?”

  “But we aren’t married yet,” I argued.

  “But that will show her you already are married to her,” Cayson said. “Two months have already come and gone. You have to step it up.”

  I sighed and kept walking. “Fine. What do I do first?”

  “You have to get Mike’s permission,” Cayson said sadly.

  “Please come with me then,” I said. “He won’t do anything if Skye is there.”

  “No,” Cayson said. “You have to show him you aren’t afraid of him. Prove yourself, Slade.”

  “Do you know how psychotic he is?” I demanded. “The guy boxes for exercise, and he’s pretty damn good.”

  “Well, you know Krav Maga,” Cayson said. “You’re evenly matched.”

  “But he looks like a serial killer,” I argued.

  “Maybe he is,” Cayson said with a shrug. “But does that really matter?”

  I shook my head and growled. “If I didn’t love that damn blonde so much…”

  “But you do,” Skye said. “So you’re going to do this.”

  I felt the ring in my pocket and concentrated on what I wanted, forever with Trinity. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

  ***

  When the elevator doors opened, I almost didn’t step out. I was about to jump into a tank with a fifteen-foot bull shark. Mike would rip me into pieces with his sharp teeth, letting me bleed to death. Then he would swim away and let small fish and birds feast on my corpse, just to make a point.

  God, I didn’t want to do this.

  The doors were about to close, so I hastened my exit. I stepped out and looked around. The floor was separated into different offices. Skye was on the left and the Preston brothers were on the right. Last time I came here was to ask Mike’s permission to be with his daughter. Now I was here again, asking the same thing.

  I walked inside then approached his secretary. “I need to speak to Mr. Preston.”

  He looked up from his computer. “He’s not doing anything right now but he usually takes his lunch in about fifteen minutes.”

  I had a feeling it wouldn’t take long. “That’s fine.”

  He picked up the phone and called Mike. “Slade is here to see you, sir.”

  I watched his reaction through the glass windows of his office.

  Mike looked up and his eyes met mine. Hatred and hostility were evident.

  This was going to be fun.

  Without answering, Mike hung up. Then he opened the door, threatening me with his gaze alone. “What?”

  His assistant averted his gaze and tried to disappear.

  I walked toward him. “I’d like a moment of your time, sir.” It took all my strength to be respectful to him. All I wanted to do was yell and tell him Trinity would be mine whether he liked it or not.

  He stepped aside and let me enter the office. Then he closed the door, and omnisciently, he hit the button on his desk, and shutters covered the windows. />
  Maybe he would really kill me this time.

  Mike sat down at his desk and stared at me, like he was trying to determine exactly how he wanted to murder me.

  I stared back, not backing down and not appearing weak.

  “Trinity isn’t here.”

  “I’m not looking for her.”

  “Then what do you want?” he snapped. “I have a million other things to do—which are a lot more important than looking at your disgusting face.”

  I ignored the insult. “I love Trinity and I always will.”

  “I wouldn’t believe that if you had a gun pointed at my head.” He rested his fingers on his lips while he stared at me.

  I reached into my pocket and left the teal box with the Tiffany’s logo on his desk.

  He stared at it for a moment, and then his eyes shifted to mine.

  “I’m going to propose. I would really love your blessing.”

  He opened the box and peered inside.

  Whether he would admit it or not, I knew he would be impressed by the ring. It wasn’t cheap, and it was clearly something Trinity would love.

  He stared at it for a long time before he closed the lid then slid it back to me. “I hope you can return it.”

  I knew he would be difficult about this. I grabbed the box and returned it to my pocket. “I’m going to marry her whether you like it or not. But I want your permission.”

  “Well, you’re never going to get it,” he said. “Perhaps if you hadn’t left her and broke her heart, I’d have a very different response. But the fact is, Slade, you ripped my little girl into pieces and shattered her soul. You crippled her. If you think I would ever let you have my daughter, you’re sadly mistaken.”

  “I made a mistake,” I said simply. “She threw marriage on me so quickly and I didn’t know what to do. I panicked.”

  “Reid wouldn’t have panicked.” He stared into my eyes as he said it, choosing those words precisely just to hurt me as much as possible.

  “Trinity doesn’t love Reid. She loves me.” I knew in my heart that was true. Reid was better for her, I admit that, but she loved me in a way she would never love him. She and I were perfect together. Two halves of the same soul. I shouldn’t feel threatened by him. If anything, he should feel threatened by me.