A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “This is where I say good night.”

  If he was disappointed, he hid it. “I hope you aren’t one of those girls who believes in the third date rule. Because it’s a stupid rule.”

  “No…but I believe in taking it slow.”

  He tilted his head slightly like he was confused. He stared at me in a way I’d never seen before. His eyes were blank. Perhaps too many thoughts were going through his mind for me to decipher. He stepped back slightly.

  His words echoed in my mind, and seeing his masculine outline in the dark was giving me second thoughts. We had a connection, and we both felt it. Was it stupid to wait out of principle? So what if we hardly knew each other? Lots of relationships began that way. “Actually…want to come inside?” I pulled my keys out of my clutch.

  He understood that I changed my mind, but there was no distinct reaction on his face. He didn’t come closer to me, remaining at a short distance. “Actually…I just remembered I’m taking my mom to the airport at 5 a.m. Better get home.” He stepped away and headed to the sidewalk. “I had a great time tonight. I’ll see you around.” Then he turned and headed to his truck. And not once did he look back.

  My keys were still in my hand, and I was suddenly aware of the light breeze that moved through my hair. The moment had changed so quickly, so intensely, that my brain couldn’t keep up with the pace. Hawke’s engine roared to life, and then he drove down the street. The red tint of his taillights shined in the darkness.

  And then he was gone.

  Laundry Day

  Francesca

  “Still hasn’t called?” Marie asked.

  “No.” A week had come and gone and I hadn’t heard anything from Hawke. After the way things ended on our date, the ball was in his court. I still wasn’t sure what happened.

  “Not even a text?”

  “Nope.” I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest.

  Marie straightened her apron while she had a concentrated look on her face. “What happened? Did you leave something out?”

  “Our date went really well. We had a great time and really got along. I even got a little jealous when I saw some girl talking to him.”

  “What girl?” she asked.

  “I don’t know…but it was clear they’ve been romantically involved. Or she wants to be romantically involved.”

  Marie held up her hand. “Whoa, hold on. This cunt hit on him while you were on a date?”

  “Pretty trashy, huh?”

  “Uh, yeah.” She shook her head with an irritated look on her face.

  “In her defense, I was in the bathroom. But still…pretty rude.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “But when we got to his truck we had this kiss…”

  “Yeah?” She leaned forward like she wanted to hear the details.

  “And it was…really good. Maybe he’s just a really great kisser but there was so much chemistry there. I’m pretty sure he felt it too. Then when we got home, we started going at it against the door. Things got weird when I ended it.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “I don’t know…” It still didn’t make any sense to me. “I said that’s as far as I go and he made some comment about how stupid it is to wait based on principle. Then I said something I shouldn’t have…”

  “What did you say?”

  “That we shouldn’t rush into things.”

  Marie raised an eyebrow. “And why was that a stupid thing to say?”

  “I’m not totally sure, but it obviously meant something to him. I changed my mind and invited him inside because I knew he was right. Why should we wait just to wait? We both had a great time, and we were really into each other. But that’s when he blew me off.”

  Marie cringed. “He blew you off? I don’t get it. You invited him inside, and he just changed his mind?”

  “I don’t get it either. I’m pretty sure he was lying about taking his mom to the airport, but I wasn’t going to call him out on it.”

  Marie pressed her lips tightly together while she considered my words. “We’re missing something here.”

  “But what?”

  “Maybe there was something else on his mind.”

  “I don’t know…” I wish it didn’t bother me but it did. If he really was a jerk, then I shouldn’t waste another moment thinking about him. But he didn’t have that personality at all. He was a good guy. I knew he was. Nothing was adding up and that bothered me most.

  And I admit I was hurt he hadn’t asked for a second date…

  The bell rang over the door and Marie glanced at the customer. Then she did a double take. “Shit, he’s here.”

  “Hawke?”

  She nodded then darted into the back room. “Talk to him.” The curtain closed as she disappeared.

  I was suddenly nervous even though I had no reason to be. I refused to be intimidated by anyone. Maybe I said something I shouldn’t have, but I had the right to say it. I approached the counter and saw him standing there.

  Hawke was in his typical work clothes. The slacks fit him snugly and so did the collared shirt. A small part of me regretted not seeing that beautiful man naked when I had the chance.

  “Hi.” What else was I supposed to say? Why haven’t you called me? No, I wasn’t one of those girls. Hope burned in my heart at his appearance. If he really never wanted to see me again, he wouldn’t have come in here at all.

  “Hi.” He stood with his hands in his pockets. “How’s it going?”

  “Good. You?”

  “I’ve been better,” he said. “I just got out of a meeting so I’m a little drained.”

  “Was it boring?”

  “No…just long.” He glanced up at the menu. “I’m going to need an espresso today—make it a double.”

  “Sure.” Were we not going to talk about our date? He was acting like it never happened. Did he not want to go out again? I already asked him out once, and I wasn’t going to do it again.

  “No muffins, I’m guessing?” He gave me that smile I’d fallen for. It reached his eyes like always.

  “No, not today.”

  “Darn.” He gave a half-hearted shrug.

  I rang him up.

  He handed me the cash as he watched my face.

  I returned the change.

  Then we just stared at each other.

  Seriously, that was it? Did I dream the whole date up? Didn’t he like me as much as I liked him? Why was he just staring at me? Was he going to say something?

  “Uh…can I have my coffee?”

  I’d never given it to him. God, I felt like an idiot. I was just staring at him, thinking he was going to say something. “Oh, sorry.” I turned my back to him and got the coffee, feeling my cheeks redden in embarrassment. Then I turned back around and tried to keep a brave face.

  “Thanks.” He took it and added a sleeve. Then he turned away.

  “So, is that it?” Why did I just blurt that out loud? Especially at work? Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

  He stopped then turned back to me. “Excuse me?”

  Now I wish I hadn’t said anything. This wasn’t the place for the conversation. “We went out and had a great time and I haven’t heard from you…and you left in such an odd way.” I’d never been in this situation before. Guys were usually pretty easy to read, and I’d never been blown off.

  He glanced at the people in the lobby before he turned back to me. “It just didn’t feel right.”

  What? What didn’t feel right? We had a great time. Everything was perfect. Our kiss…did he always have kisses like that? Because I’d never felt anything like that in my life. Even though I was hurt and upset, I couldn’t deny what I felt. “Just because I wouldn’t sleep with you?”

  His eyes narrowed like he’d been provoked. “No, of course not. You invited me inside, remember?”

  “Then…what happened?”

  He held my gaze without blinking. “We’re just from different worlds, F
rankie. I really like you but…I’m not the kind of man you want.”

  “And what kind of man are you, exactly?” I should just let him walk away but I was struggling. I’d never been dumped like that before. He was into me one moment, and we were having a great time, and then he forgot about me the second he turned around.

  He leaned toward me and lowered his voice. “The kind that isn’t good enough for you.”

  ***

  I would never understand what happened with Hawke, and I needed to learn to let it go. I had no idea what he meant when he said he wasn’t good enough for me. He was a great person. What was he talking about?

  No matter what happened or what he meant, it didn’t change the fact that it was over. I didn’t want to be with someone so vague anyway. It would cause more migraines than orgasms, and I just didn’t have the time to deal with drama.

  He had drama written all over him.

  I tried to forget about him but it was surprisingly hard. When I folded my laundry, I thought about the way he looked across the table. He stared at me like I was the only woman in the room. And he was charming and polite…he made me laugh. And the physical chemistry between us couldn’t be quenched with a fire extinguisher.

  I refused to mourn over a guy that wasn’t worth my time, so I moved on and went on other dates. I met a few guys through mutual friends and at the bars. All of them were attractive, some were clingy, but none of them were a good match. I just didn’t feel anything for any of them.

  Not like I did with Hawke.

  Why? Why did I want a guy clearly unavailable? It was so annoying. There was a plethora of guys at school. Why couldn’t I just like one of them? After a month had passed, I thought about Hawke less often.

  But I hadn’t forgotten him.

  He hadn’t come into The Grind in a long time, and I assumed he never would again. He probably didn’t want to see me, not after I confronted him like that. And I didn’t blame him. That definitely didn’t project me in my best light.

  But one day, on a Monday, he walked inside. Like always, he wore his business clothes with his satchel over his shoulder. A light amount of facial hair was on his face, and I liked the look. It was more rugged and highlighted his nice cheekbones.

  My immediate response was to run into the back and act like I hadn’t seen him, but I refused to do that. I wasn’t afraid of anything. I held my head high and acted like he was nothing special.

  He approached the counter and his eyes moved to my face. He took me in like he was trying to memorize every feature. His hands were in his pockets and a distant look was in his eyes. “Hey.”

  “Hey. The usual?”

  He ignored my question. “How are you?”

  “Good. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. How about you?”

  “Good. I’m excited to have a few days off. I’m spending the holidays with my friend and his family. It should be fun.”

  Did he not have a family of his own? I didn’t dare ask. “You deserve a vacation. You’re much more handsome when you’re rested.” I gave him a teasing smile.

  He smiled back. “I’m sure you’ll be baking some of those famous muffins for your family.”

  “They won’t let me in the door unless I do,” I said. “I’ll save you a few.”

  “That’s very kind of you.” An affectionate look was in his eyes.

  Now I was even more confused. We were two sides of the same coin. We just clicked. It wasn’t forced. It was completely natural. I didn’t have this kind of connection with anybody. Did he?

  “How are your classes?”

  “Good. After Thanksgiving it’s time for finals. Not exactly something to look forward to.”

  “Well, at least there’s Black Friday.”

  I laughed. “God, no. I’m not going out to get trampled. I’ll buy everything online.”

  He chuckled. “That’s how I do it too.”

  “So…black coffee?”

  He rubbed the side of his cheek where his hair was coming in. “Add a shot of espresso. I have a lot of work to do.”

  “When you come here, you work?”

  He gave me a grim smile. “I work at the office, and then I have to prepare for the next day. On average, I work about thirteen hours every day, including weekends.”

  I cringed. “Are you sure you don’t want to make it a double then?”

  He smiled with his eyes. “Actually, that would probably be best.”

  “You got it.” I put the order in the computer. “Anything else?”

  “That’ll be it. Thank you.” He set the cash on the table.

  I gave him the change and made sure I got him a coffee this time. “Well, have a good holiday.”

  “You too, Frankie.” He gave me a final nod before he walked away and sat in a booth.

  I released a deep sigh as I watched him. What was it with this guy? Why couldn’t I forget about him? Why couldn’t I just say hi and bye? Why did we have to have conversations that flowed so naturally? Why was it so easy for us to get along? I wish he were just an arrogant jerk that pissed me off so much that I never thought about him again. I wish I hated him for the way he ended our date.

  But I just couldn’t.

  Thanksgiving

  Francesca

  I loved the holidays.

  It was the time of year I got to see my family. During the school year, I was too busy to do anything fun. Sometimes, I barely had time to even brush my teeth. But during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend, it was required of everyone to do absolutely nothing. We lay around the house, ate, took naps, and then lay around the house some more.

  It was one excuse to be lazy.

  And I got to see my yaya. She was the sweetest lady in the whole world. She’s been through a lot in her life, the loss of a husband and a daughter, but she managed to remain happy and uplifting. She never let anything bring her down. To her, life was meant to be enjoyed. It was because of her that I tried to stay positive all the time.

  Yaya lived a few miles from the coast toward the mountains. She had a cute cabin in the midst of the trees. Just a mile hike away was a beautiful lake. It was always so quiet and serene, and it was a peaceful place.

  The second I drove up to the house, I felt excitement course inside me. This weekend was going to be amazing. There would be no talk of school or work. It would just be a fun and relaxing weekend. My brother was coming too, and I always looked forward to seeing him. We actually lived in the same city, but we were usually too busy to take time out of our lives to spend it together.

  I carried my bags to the door, and before I could knock, the door flew open. Yaya obviously had been sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my brother and me to pull up. The delight was on her face, and she screamed before she hugged me. “So beautiful.” She always said this to me whenever she saw me. “I missed you so much, dear.”

  I returned her embrace. “I missed you too, Yaya.”

  She continued to hug me for a moment longer before she reluctantly pulled away. “I’m so glad you’re here. I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been looking forward to this so much.” She helped me carry my bags inside.

  “I’m more excited. I get to have some of your amazing pie and everything else you make.”

  “I’ve been prepping for that for weeks,” she said with a laugh.

  We got my bags inside by the door. I’d carry them to my room later. I was too excited to think about that at the moment.

  “Axel will be here soon. He’s bringing a friend for the weekend.”

  “A girlfriend?” I blurted. My brother hadn’t brought anyone around ever. I knew he had relationships, but none of them were ever serious enough to be introduced to us.

  “No, I guess it’s a friend from work. It sounded like he didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad,” I said. “But if he’s friends with Axel, then he must be a fun guy.”

  “I’m sure he’s lovely.” She went into the k
itchen and made two cups of tea. Then she sat across from me at the kitchen table. “Anything new with you, dear?”

  I grabbed my cup and took a sip. “Nothing really. I’ve just been working and going to school…my life is pretty boring, actually.” I released a sad chuckle.

  “That’s not true,” she said. “How’s the baking?”

  “I hardly have time to bake anything, but I made these apple cherry muffins. They’re really good, or so people say.”

  “I’ll have to try them.”

  “Sure. I have some in my bag.”

  Yaya took a sip. “So…is there a man in your life?”

  I immediately thought of Hawke. “No.” I wish I had a different answer. “I went on a date with this guy a while ago…”

  “And?” she pressed.

  I shook my head. “It didn’t go anywhere. But I really liked him.”

  She patted my hand. “You’re so young. You have your whole life to find the right guy. I’m just glad you’re picky.”

  I’m picky, but only for the wrong ones. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Voices were heard from outside.

  “Shut up, man,” Axel said. “I do not sound like Carrie Underwood when I sing.”

  “Have you ever listened to yourself?” his friend asked. “Seriously, record your voice then play it back. It’s Carrie Underwood—dead on.”

  “How do you even know who Carrie Underwood is?” Axel asked.

  “Sunday Night Football,” he said. “Duh.”

  “Whatever,” Axel said. “You’re such a girl.”

  “Hey, I’m not the one who sings like a girl,” his friend responded.

  “Looks like the boys are here.” Yaya pushed her cup away and stood up.

  The second voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t put my thumb on where I heard it before. Maybe this was one of Axel’s friends I’d already met before. I was really forgetful when it came to names. I hoped I would remember this time.

  Axel opened the door first. “Yaya, I’m here! And it’s time to start the party.”

  Yaya ran to him and smothered his cheeks with kisses. “My boy, you’re so handsome and big.”