Scars

by Lexa Bălă

  He simpers and right now he looks exactly as annoying as I know him.

  "What's wrong?" he asked.

  "You."

  "What? What the fuck?"

  "This is your normal behaviour, I understand. One day you are so damn kind and nice with me and with everyone and next day you are transforming into a fucking bastard, like always. No, we cannot be together or other bullshit because I abhor you and you abhor me. Fuck off, dude. You never change.’’

  "God, Davina. I said what I said because we really cannot be together because we are made to be the way we are right now, not a fucking couple. We don't even have such feelings for each other yet.

  We don't have to be that close because of Darren. We have to be that close because of us and what we feel. 'Cause it is wrong if we just try to stand each other because we have in common Darren. It's wrong. And you are my best friend right now but I cannot be just best friend with someone just because this is what Darren would want. "

  "This is the thing, Theo. Because of Darren we are in the way we are. 'Cause if it hadn't been him, you would have been now just a pain in the arse. I gotta go."

  And I dart off. Now I know why I have this great aversion for him.

  Because he is the only who keeps reminding me of Darren.

  CHAPTER 4

  I meet Jersey and the insignificant others at the entrance of the camp and Mrs. Maynard drives us to the asylum.

  "Aren't you excited kids?" she asked. "This is gonna be an interesting experience for you."

  No one answered though.

  After a few minutes we are already there.

  "God," we all said at the same time as seeing the building in front of our eyes.

  "It's huge, man. I think we are gonna get fucking lost in it," Aiden said still stunned by the massive old builiding.

  A man is approaching us and welcomes us. He is around 45 years old and he wears a black suit. He looks like a typical american father, except the suit no father wears. He has some freckles on his nose and he looks friendly, despite his baleful eyes.

  "Good morning, kids. I am truly eager to start this with you and I hope we'll get on well. But first, I have to show you the building."

  As soon as we enter I am completely astonished. This doesn't look like an asylum for teenagers with mental disorders. All these immense hallways and the echo of every step we make. I'm pretty sure they would have a really nice life here if they would even want to have a life.

  "Here, we treat all of them like our own children," he said, gesticulating. "They have a strict programme and they also go to a kind of school because we want them to be developed mentally at least half as others their age. So, you are gonna spend an hour or more, if you want, with teenagers with ages between twelve and seventeen. You will also have the chance to choose with who you want to spend this time. Follow me and you will get to meet them."

  Right then I remember about that kid Theo told me about and I call him even though I don't want to hear his voice.

  "What?" he asked in a completely damn annoying way.

  "You don't have to be an asshole now, you know. I just want to ask you about that guy you told me about. What's his name?," I whisper in order not to provoke an echo.

  "Tate Hales. Why? You wanna meet him?"

  "Think so. I just wanna know more about how was Darren here. I just want to know. And maybe this guy knows. "

  "Yeah, he might. Uhm...I'm sorry, Davina."

  "For what?"

  "For being such a jerk with you this morning...and always. "

  "It's alright. I got used with it. "

  "I’m sorry for that. Take care of you. Really. "

  "I'll be fine, thanks."

  "So, tonight...uhm...do you want to...uhm...you know...uhm...about us, 'cause we are not okay at all," he stammered but I know what he means and I start giggling.

  "Sure."

  "Ok. Bye then."

  He is such a sweetheart sometimes and I cannot deny it, but he always has this habit to transform in a jackass.

  We enter in a room that looked more like a living room, with sofas and a tv. He tells us to take a sit.

  "Today you'll meet Kat, Derek, Tate and Cadence".

  "Tate Hales?" I asked and he is a little bit taken aback by my question.

  "Yes, Tate Hales, miss. Are you interested in meeting him?"

  "Yes, I truly am."

  "You know him?"

  "I've heard about him."

  "Then you know he is the most problematic kid from all the ones you were going to meet today?"

  "No. Why is that?"

  "Oh, but that's why you are here. To get to know them, to get to know all the details you possibly can about them. So, Aiden Gilbert, Jersey McCall, Taissa Stewart and this miss over here, Davina Noyes. Come with me. At the end of this, you will have to write about your conclusions and thoughts about these children so that we ourselves to get to know them better trough your personal experience with them. We need to know how they behave with people. We need to know if their mental and behavioural ituation is getting better or worse. You have to write a statement, some kind of an analysis. We are eager to find out new things about them so that in the future we would be able to treat them better."

  We follow the guy, and one by one, my friends disappear in different rooms from this hallway, but me and the man called Dr. Gomez turn left and here's another infinite hallway.

  He suddenly stops in front of a door.

  "Here is Hales. Don't worry about anything. We took care of everything, and we made sure that none of you won't get hurt. Some of them might not react in a violent way but sometimes there are some who have a compulsive behavior. But don't you worry. You are safe. Have fun, miss Noyes."

  After he leaves, I open the door and step inside. The room had a desk in the middle and two chairs. But on one of them stands him.

  "Hello," I said.

  "Oh, bloody hell, there she is. I cannot believe my eyes. The one from last night. You looked much nicer in the darkness, where I couldn't see your face."

  And then my heart goes crazy and I feel like I cannot control my legs to step forward anymore. I just stop for a moment and then I stumble to the chair and take a sit, and here I am, standing right in front of the freak guy. I cannot believe that the one from last night is the one with who Darren escaped from here and who knows what else they had done together. God, my hands are trembling and I already feel my forehead sweating. I take a deep breath and somehow I manage to relax and keep calm.

  "My name is Davina. "

  "I don't care. But wait wait wait. You are one of that friends of Darren, right? He maundered about every single friend he had, like we would have cared."

  "Listen, you freak. I'm here and I'm gonna be nice but you have to keep your mouth shut about Darren until I say I wanna talk about him. Are we clear?"

  "Wow. I thought you were supposed to be nice with us, not make us feel more useless and fucked up than we already are. But it seems like I was wrong. You're all that kind of bad kids I have kept hating since I was born. God. I hate you. I hate every single person on this fucking planet," he snaped at me.

  And all of a sudden, that unreasonable fear I felt is just gone now. Now I'm just sorry for him. He has this lost look on his face, those sad eyes, that beautiful face...but he is here and that means he has problems.

  "Okay, fine. We haven't started well. So first, let me tell you about me and then you'll tell me more about you so that we get to know each other, okay?"

  "Fine. But this is not going to lead to some kind of friendship between us. I don't have friends. And I don't want or need any."

  "Alright. So I'm Davina. I'm seventeen and as you said, yes, I was a friend of Darren. Uhm...he was kind of everyone's favourite person in the world 'cause he was such a great guy. And about me...I just want to know what the hell happened here. Why he comitted suicide. But at the same time, I'm here because I know you are all great kids but you just don't let your good part to be
seen. And I wanna help you."

  "Oh, the poor Darren. Such a wonderful kid he was. Motherfucker. Just kidding. So you think we are great? God, you're so fool. You think I'm a great kid, huh? Well, I'll tell you that I'm not. And none of us is. We are just some damn little bastards who live their miserable life in this prison. That's what we are. The bad guys. The crazy ones. The ones no one cares about and the ones nobody gives a shit on. If we all die in here, nobody will care about us. And we are going to live our shitty lives in here. So, it's such a great thing if you die sooner and younger 'cause you don't have to live a whole life in these shitty rooms."

  "Why are you here? For how long you're here?"

  "Since I was fifteen. I'm here 'cause I would like to murder people. I'm here 'cause my mind is completely fucked up. I'm here 'cause I just wanna see everybody dead, 'cause everybody deserves their own death. Nobody is too good or bad. Everybody deserves to die. "

  "Have you ever killed someone? Since you say you..." I asked trying not to seem completely freaked out. But I wasn’t.

  "Of course I have," he said in a such relaxed way, like it was so normal.

  "What?"

  "Yeah, I'm a murderer. But nobody found prooves against me. Exactly that's why I'm here. Nobody knows what exactly I had done, but they know I'm insane."

  "I don't believe you. You liar. You cannot be a teenager killer. You don't look like one."

  "And how does it look in your mind a murderer?"

  "I've never met one, but...uhm...much dangerous and...I don't know. "

  "Well, I am. And if you don't believe me, I will prove you some day. You know, I'm the only one here who ever discovered a way out. I'm the only one who has knives under his bed. I'm the only one who ever done a useful thing here. I don’t look dangerous? Do I seem innocent? That’s a good thing. I don’t want to be wrong judged because of my look."

  "Mhmm...so about Darren?"

  "I'm not gonna tell you a damn thing."

  "Why is that?"

  "Cause you think that you came here and everything is gonna be so beautiful and nice. But you're wrong. I won't say a fucking word about him."

  "But you were friends?"

  "Kind of. I told you I don't have friends."

  We stop talking and I don't know what we are doing now. We just gaze into each other's eyes. And he has this look on his face. He looks completely absent.

  How can be this kid a murderer? How is this even possible?

  "Are you gonna stare like this all the time? I am a complete freak, but you don't have to be so obvious that you're so amazed by having in front of your eyes, in flash and bones, a damn fucked up kid with who knows what shitty mental illness."

  "So you know you have problems?"

  "Yeah, I am one of the ones who still think and are aware of who they are. I'm not that insane you think I am. How longer we are going to this shit? 'Cause I'm already bored of you and your stupid questions and your stupid fucking face. "

  "We are gonna do this the whole week. But if you are acting like an asshole, you will only make things harder for both of us. So, can't you just stop insulting me? Let's just try to stand each other."

  " I don't like you. "

  "Why?"

  "Because you think we are good, including me. No, we are not. Stop believing bullshit and start seeing reality. You, like all the others, psychologists, psychiatrists and staff, you all think that there's a chance for us, that there's a light somewhere in our dark minds, there's a hope. But there is no fucking hope. There's no fucking way out. We are prisoners in our own shitty lives. We all already dead inside. Just walking bodies with needs. "

  "You scare me."

  "That's what I'm trying to do, sweetheart. I tell you -you will get bored of all my bullshits sooner or later. You stupid people always do. "

  "Why you have to be like that?"

  "Oh, you had others expectations from me? Well, I'm sorry. I am like that 'cause this is who I am. And, yeah, sorry about Darren. I kinda know how is like when a close person dies. But we all die, now or later, so I'm not agreeing mourning for someone. "

  "Uhm...thanks. For a second, but just for a second, you weren't an asshole. "

  "Yeah, those seconds are pretty rare, they are almost inexistent."

  "Tate, I will suppose that an hour passed. I gotta go now. "

  "Wait. Tomorrow can we go out, please?"

  "Of course. "

  "Bye then, you little stupid ugly face."

  "Fuck you, you nutter psycho," I yelled but somehow there's a grin on my face.

  "That's my girl. See ya. "

  It was the longest hour in my whole life. And it feels so good to see my friends' faces, 'cause I already don't like Tate's face anymore. Bu a little part of me likes him.

  "So, how it was like?" Mrs. Maynard askes. "Aren't they sweethearts? What about you Jersey?"

  "Uhm...it was pretty awesome. I mean...uhm...I met a guy and he is so nice and if you just forget for one second that he is orphan and got here because he started having severe halucinations, then yeah, he is a great guy. I really enjoyed spending time with him. It's exactly how I've expected to be. And you guys?"

  "That girl really drove me nuts. God, I'm so exhausted after just an hour. I don't like doing this. I don't even like kids, and she's thirteen. I came here to have fun, not to give useless explanations to some stupid kids. " Taissa said and I really believe her. But in my case, was much much worse. Was the worst thing. But still trying to oppress myself for half liking him.

  "I met a guy. He's pretty hot," Aiden said.

  "Wow, such different opinions you have. But, of course, if this is not a thing you really want, we can't oblige you. And what about you, miss Noyes?"

  "Uhm...it was really nice, I think," I lied and no one questioned anything.

  As soon as I enter the living room and see all of them lying on the sofa or on the floor, I kind of want to yell. And that's exactly what I do.

  "God, God, God."

  "Are you alright?" Theo asked.

  "I feel like I'm gonna punch somebody. But, thanks, I am fine. God, I have just met the biggest asshole in the whole world. A fucking psychopath. "

  "I told you," he nagged at me.

  "Girl, it'll be okay. At least he's hot?" Hayden asked and quirked her eyebrow.

  "W-what? Did we come here to find insane boyfriends or what? No, he's not hot. He is totally crazy. He talks bullshit and-"

  "Are you done? Come upstairs. I wanna speak to you. "

  I follow him upstairs and like a gentleman he is, he opens the door for me and closes it behind him.

  "Tate right?"

  "Yes."

  "And what he told you about Darren?"

  "Nothing. He said he won't tell me anything about him."

  "You know what's the thing? They were roommates. He must know why Darren commited suicide. Do something for me. Please covince him to tell you. That's all I ask."

  "I'll try. This is exactly what I wanted to do."

  "But Davina, at the same time I kinda don't want to let you do this. That guy is truly insane and he is dangerous, and as I told you, he might have had something to do with Darren death. And that concerns me. "

  "Uhm...he said he...murdered people...."

  "I know. He is a freak. There are just three possibilities. He really murdered somebody and that's why he is there , he just imagined he killed somebody and because he is insane he really thinks that, even he did not do that, or he is a fucking liar and he says all those things just to get attention. And all these things are exactly the reasons why he's there. And nobody still doesn't know the real reason. But no matter which of them is true, his place is still there. You gotta be careful, you understand me? He is totally psychotic. You have to be careful. And don't let him inside your mind. Okay?"

  "Fine. So...uhm...what are we going to do the rest of the day? "

  "Well, we are gonna spend the day at the lake and in the woods, wandering, and at night we might make a fir
e near the lake."

  "Sounds good. But how, all of a sudden, you agree with all this staff?"

  "I was maybe too paranoic. But now I realized it's pretty awesome here and I really don't wanna miss all the fun. "

  "Yeah, you have to stop worring and overhinking. Just stop for a second. Now, let's go, dude. Fun is waiting for us."

  CHAPTER 5

  We are swimming with our eyes wide open. We are here, where no one cannot see us, no one cannot judge us, and we can be just the way we are, no more pretending. Here, in this place. And it feels so damn perfect. I feel like I wanna stay here forever, because here we are all together and nobody cannot take this from us while here.

  The night has come so quickly that I didn't even notice. I woke up and outside was dark and the sky was clear, full of stars. And those stars are looking at us, and they see how we dance, how we love, how we laugh, how we are being happy. This rapture that was running through our veins. I wish that I could feel this in every single moment of my life.

  But only this place makes us feel in seventh heaven. This place makes us forget about everything, about worries, about past, about future, about school, about people who passed away.

  And I was picturing Darren right here, between all these sweat bodies, dancing and singing, being alive. With us.

  I close my eyes and I'm picturing him next to me. For a second, I feel a breeze onto my skin that gives me goosebumps. I swear I'll never forget that moment. In that moment we were all together again. All of us.

  And even these amazing moments let scars on our hearts. Because they got us wounded with the exhilaration they give us. Scars are just everywhere. They are every single beautiful or painful memory. They are every single damn moment of our messed up lives.

  It's already after midnight and we are a little bit dizzy, we all drank, but only some coke and beer. I haven't smoked any cigarettes 'cause I don't usually smoke, but my friends are chainsmokers and they kind of forced me to try. But all that smoke in the air was enough for me. They brought weed and I already see them a little bit high, but at least they are happy, lost in their trips. The smoke of weed got quickly into my lungs but I don’t actually know how to react. It feels good. Sometimes it feels good to be wasted, to drink much and smoke and forget a little. It makes you feel as a teenager.