Scars

by Lexa Bălă

  We decided is time to go so that our teachers wouldn't realize we are missing. Of course we are not allowed to stay outside at night, but who really cares? Even though they are adults and also our teachers, they still have the right of a little bit of freedom and privacy, so they don't really care about what we are doing. Everyone knows we are doing things we shouldn't do, so they just make sure we all alright and that's all.

  We plod to our cabin and when we get there we are all wiped out and damn exshaused. I am extremely cold due to my wet hair and I stride upstairs and nestle down in my warm bed. Before I dozed off, I'd seen Hayden getting into bed.

  ***

  I wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning, when everyone is still asleep. I make a quick hot shower and make a coffee with lot of milk and sugar and then get outside. The sun already peeped out and I feel like the fresh air intoxicates me. I'm not tired or sleepy anymore so I start drifting along, heading to nowhere. Because that nowehere is somewhere near.

  I don't realize that I'm again outside the camp and I'm walking on the road through the woods that leads to the lake. While strolling, only me and this wonderful sound of nature, I hear a rustle of leaves from behind my back and I turn around suddenly with my heart pounding, but there's nothing there. When I turn away to continue my road, I see him standing right in front of my eyes and squeal for a second, making few steps backwards.

  "W-what are you doing here?" I asked Tate.

  "The same thing as you," he said with that perverse look on his face and a fake grin.

  I'm trying not to get intimidated by the evil I see when I look at his innocent face.

  "I don't understand your point. It looks like you are able to escape anytime you want. Why don't you just leave then? Do you like wandering the woods and scare the people who take a walk in this places? Why you're doing all this staff? Just enlighten me. "

  "There's no other place for me. We are all hopeless. Even if we are outside, it doesn't help us in any way."

  "But you hate that place."

  "That's true. But I hate more the people from outside."

  "I'm sorry for you," I said, not really being sorry for the miserable life he lives.

  "Don't be. I do deserve that."

  "You won't tell me about Darren, right, no matter how kind I would be with you?"

  "No, I won't. There's nothing that important to say anyways. So don't try to be nice or pretend to care. I hate when people do this on purpose, just to get something from me, when they try to be friends with me just for benefits. I hate that. And you are still doing t. I'm right, right? Bastard Theo told you to do that, right? Gosh, he is so so obssessed. Some people cannot accept the idea of someone's death. But we have to accept death in our lives 'cause it's part of our lives somehow."

  "Yeah, you're completely right about it. Theo told me so. And I've wanted to help him and give him the answer, but at the same time, I was the one who wanted this more. I was selfish, I've forgotten why I came here for. I'm sorry. I was supposed to help you, not helping myself. I was supposed to come here and make you feel better, not to ask you about such things. If this is what you want, we won't talk about Darren anymore."

  "Fine. I don't care what are we talking about. But don't expect me to be nice just because you are nice. I want this bullshit to end and not being forced to see your face anymore."

  "You just can't stand people, right?

  "No, I don't, especially you. "

  "Why?"

  " You are exactly the same as the others. But now go to sleep and stop wandering the woods because you might meet some crazy psychopats who could want you dead. "

  He starts tittering and chuckling in a awkward way that really frustrates me.

  "See ya at 10 o'clock. God, you already started pissing me off."

  I turn his back and stride back to the camp with the same stupid question in my mind. "What the hell is wrong with him?"

  When I get in the living room I almost bump into Theo.

  "What the hell. You scared me, dude," he kind of whispered in a loud voice. "Where were you so early in the morning?"

  "Uhm...I was just taking a walk."

  "At six o'clock in the morning. You get more and more weirder, girl. Do you want some coffee?"

  "No, thanks. "

  "How are we now, Davina, by the way?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean...About us. What are we?"

  "What do you want us to be?"

  "Don't know. But you?"

  "I want us to be the same. Now...uhm...got to go to sleep. Bye, Theo. "

  I let him alone in the kitchen and still feel him looking at me, and it's so horrible when I know he is gazing at my butt.

  I stride upstairs and get in my bed. After only few minutes I nod off.

  It seems like it's been minutes till I hear my alarm clock, at nine.

  Everybody's sleeping, of course, but not Theo.

  "You've been awake all this time?" I asked him while I look for something to eat in the fridge. "And, God, stop looking at my butt. That's not nice, " I said and gave him a scowl.

  "I cannot sleep at all, man. And yeah, I cannot deny looking at your butt. It's pretty hot," he grinned. "So, when you'll go to the sanatorium?"

  "Uhm...today, but later."

  "How much time you spend with the freak?"

  "How much I want to. Stop calling him a freak. Theo, I won't force him to tell me about Darren. I cannot do that. Let's just stop looking for possible murderers for him. And the cause of his death...well, lots of teenagers do that nowadays, so it's not such big deal. Let's just stop. I want to feel good in this vacation."

  "That freak became your friend and now you chum up with him? Davina, so it's not such a big deal that our friend Darren comitted suicide, huh? Fine. Do what you want. "

  "Stop, okay? First, we are not friends, 'cause he does not want that, and second, Darren is not our friend. It's yours. Okay? Me and him barely said Hello to each other. So stop. Just because I choose to be by your side, doesn't mean I have to mourn him for the rest of my life. Just because you do that too. Okay? "

  "Shut the fuck up, okay? It's not okay. You were there for me just because you were sorry for me. All this time I thought you do this because you are my friend, but you do this 'cause you are sorry for me. The poor Theo, right? I cannot believe. I considered you a friend, you know, but you are doing all this staff just because you see there is nobody else beside me and you kind of feel that you need to do this. But you don't really care, do you? You have never cared. But you have this habbit to help people in need, but you don't really give a shit. God. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You know, go fuck yourself. Spend your damn vacation with your psychopath. He could kill you right now, 'cause right now, I don't give a damn shit on you," he flared out.

  I can't stop myself from crying. I lash out into tears and feel them running down my cheeks. My hands are shaking and I just -just cannot take this anymore. He is so right, but he is wrong only at one thing. He is my friend. He has always been . He is actually more than just a friend for me. And look what I've done. Made him suffer, like it wasn't enough for him all that happened.

  "Oh, tears. The poor little Davina is crying? Fuck no. Is just fucking water.

  I truly hate you right now. And I'm gonna leave now before I say too much."

  Before he darts outside, he gives me a glance and slams the door behind him.

  How was this even possible? This thing that has just happened.

  I feel like I betrayed my best friend. I feel like I've disappointed him, and at the same time I've disappointed myself. Since Darren's death I have been telling myself "Girl, you have to stay beside him no matter what, you have to take care of his soul, you have to be there. "

  But look what I've done. I screwed everything. This camp just turned into a big shit. I cannot stand the thought of not having him. I got used with his presence in my life, every single day, and now all these are just gone. I cannot stay all day in my room and
cry 'cause that would only make things worse. Now I remember all our good and bad moments and I already miss that thing called our friendship.

  It comes in my mind the words he always said to me after quarreling when we were a little bit younger. That no matter what, we always come back to each other. Yeah, true, but sometimes it happens to run away from each other.

  All for nothing.

  But we are getting back to each other everytime.

  CHAPTER 6

  It's time we went to the sanatorium. It's time for Tate again. I don't why but I feel like I really want to get to know this kid better. He has something. That something. I find interesting every aspect of his life. He might not be the kindest person, he might be a monster instead, but despite all these things, he is still a 17 years old kid with a ruined life. And maybe what he needs the most is a friend. Today we are going to spend our day outside, in the yard. And it's kind of weird because since I got here and saw his fake grin he always has on his face, I forgot about Theo, I forgot thinking about him.

  "Miss Noyes, you have this whole yard to do whatever you want. You can take a walk, sit down on the grass, anything you think it might be good for his mental health. And if he gets agressive or you notice there's anything wrong in his behaviour, please press the button on the bracelet we gave you, and we'll be there in a minute. This way we make sure no one gets hurt," the woman who brings Tate in front of the building said. "I hope you'll get on well. And, Tate, don't do silly things. "

  "Yes, m'am, " he said childly.

  "I will leave now. Have fun, kids."

  After she leaves, he shows her the middle finger and mutters a "Fuch you, bitch" behind her back.

  "Damn, I hate this woman. It fucking sods me off. You know, they just pretend to be nice with us and pretend to care, but they don't really stand us. "

  "If I were you, I would just leave this place. "

  "But you are not me. I won't leave this place. Are you trying to convince me to escape? Because you cannot."

  "No, I don't. I just wonder why you don't leave when you have the chance"

  "'Cause I don't have anybody outside neither. "

  "Ok, so...uhm...let's go. Do you now any beautiful place where we can go?"

  "A have a place of mine but I won't show it to you. Let's go to that part of the yard full of trees, where no one is gonna see us. This way."

  I follow him and right then, hundreds of questions are going through my mind. And I ask him.

  "How many people had you killed? And how? And why?"

  "Now you believe I'm a murderer?" he looked at me, having a slightly smiling face.

  "I don't know. It's weird. But tell me. I want hear your story."

  "How are you even here if you know you are right beside a psycho, a killer? Why is that?"

  " If you murder someone doesn't mean you are a bad person. "

  " Yes, it does mean that. And why do you think I'm not bad? 'Cause I am. And I know me better than you know me. Don’t pretend you are a shitty psychologist who reads souls. You are not even close. You are just a girl."

  "Maybe you are bad somehow. But you still have a heart and a soul. And sometimes you tell me nice things. Now answer my question. "

  "I’ll tell you, if this is what you want. At least I do something good for someone else if not for me. ‘’

  He lights up a cigarettee taken out from nowhere and inhale deeply.

  ‘’You know, school wasn't easy for me. I was a problematic and complicated kid and everyone knew my parents died in a car accident when I was 6 and even then I was such a freak and I was not accepting people getting close to me. I hadn't had any friends. Nobody. I was odd. And I was bullied. And I hated school. And like I've told you, everybody deserves their death. And I really felt like they had to die. They deserved it. Every single bastard deserved it. Because they transformed my life into hell."

  "Who were they?"

  I stared at his gestures, realizing how normal, but damaged he seemed.

  "Well, all of them were some jerks, who at a certain moment made me hate them for what they'd done to me"

  "How many had you killed?"

  "Till now, four people. "

  "Four people..."

  I stood motionless till I got used with the idea that the teenager sitting beside me actually murdered four people.

  "God damn."

  "Yeah, hard to believe, huh? But...uhm...I'm not a psychopath serial killer. I hope you don't think like that. Well...uhm...the first one was a guy from another school who knew me, and started cursing me on the street and threatened me and we got into a fight, and somehow, I just...hit him so damn hard and he felt and his head started bleeding and then I punched him again and again 'cause I was so angry and I just had that moment of releasing the anger I had kept in me for so long. And he died. And I felt so damn good. Then I realised it's pretty nice just to take somebody's life. Someone you hate. Then I started holding knives with me. You know, all began with self-defence. It have always been self-defence actually, but I took it to a complet other level and when someone bullied me again, I wasn't scared anymore. And I gave everyone a chance to stop. But they didn't.

  So that's how I was keeping myself alive. I've become a total psycho and people were kinda afraid of me. That's how I survived. Becoming insane was for me the way of escaping that shitty life. I've learned how to not be a total loser, I've learned how to make people suffer, those people who make me suffer. Maybe I don't like the way I've became, but this world made me this way. "

  "Tell me about the others you had killed."

  ‘’We were at a party and we were both wasted but he was under drugs and he started yelling 'Hey, look it's that freak" and then everybody was staring. And after the party I waited for him and stabbed him. I didn't mean to kill him, just to scare him a little bit but he just freaked out and we got in a fight and I just...did that, you know. The third...uhm...I broke his neck.

  Uhm...you know, I think they all deserved it. I don't feel guilty, but you know, it always had been that moment when I felt sorry for what I had done. One second I was feeling good, but the next second I was feeling so damn...ruined in my inside."

  "They were kids like you, you know. Just stupid kids. "

  "Those little kids destroyed my life. They are the bad people, Davina. And I cannot accept being fucked by every stupid person. Believe me, it comes a moment in your life when killing doesn't seem such a bad thing. They did not deserve the life they had. "

  "I really believe you, I really do."

  And I really did.

  "Yeah, sure. I don't even know why I am telling you these things. I don't ever tell anybody about my life. "

  "Maybe I was the only one who ever asked you about yourself, the only one who finds you interesting."

  "I think so. You got me with these. Never, in my entire life, no one seemed so interested to find out things about me. But, it's more than to do in order to show me you are a good person."

  "And what if I'm not? Neither you are."

  "Nobody is a good person. We all do bad things at certain moments in our lives. But, there are people, a few, that are good with others, and for those others, those people are good. "

  "Why don't you have any friends, Tate?"

  "People don't like me. Due to my behaviour. I don't accept anyone in my life. This a method to not getting hurt."

  "You live with this fear of world....God, I wish you were outside so that I could show you the good parts of this world."

  "Davina. I'm not a suicidal kid. You don't have to talk with me like that, like I have been living here since I was born. Yeah, maybe the world is beautiful somewhere but, you know, I will never live in that world ,'cause look where I am right now. Who knows when they will get to the conclusion I am mentally healthy and they'll decide to let me go. In fact, it would be easy. All I have to do is to behave completely normal for a few months so that they can see I've recovered. "

  "And why don't you do that?"

&
nbsp; "Don't know. I cannot control myself that long. "

  I cannot believe how normal this guy looks, and how easily he talks about himself.

  And I swear I see in his eyes all the pain he feels. He actually seems friendly sometimes.

  We sit leg-crossed under a tree, one in front of each other. It's nice here and he fits so damn well in the landscape I have in front of my eyes. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is the place for him.

  "Davina, believe me. Here had came a lot of other teenagers in order to help us , but you know what? They were all some idiots who made things worse. Exactly like your friends, and all the others you've came with. They only give you a fake smile and pretend to care about your woes. I'm sure that every last one of them would treat me exactly the way I am always treated. When people find out you are actually a murderer, they think about how to run as far as they can from you. And they begin accusing you, and put all the blame on you and say that you are always the bad guy since you killed those smart and innocent and sinless kids. Those poor kids. Fuck them all. So...uhm...what do you think about all these?"

  "You are completely right, you know. And I believe you are more than this.

  I think that after all what you had done, you are still a nice person. You just need to be understood."

  "I'm not nice. Why you just cannot understand this? Just stop. You don't know me. You don't fucking know what I'm capable of. And by the way, keep your stupid friends away from me before I kill them all. I don't like people seeing me and talk about me. I don't like new people being here. And I don't like you too 'cause you made me tell you too many things. And again, by the way, an hour passed so Bye-Bye," he snapped at me. In a glimpse of a moment h e switched.

  This impulsive behaviour of him doesn't make me even blink. It's like I can anticipate his reactions and somehow I'm not afraid of him, even though I am aware of the fact he could hurt me.

  "But they've said I can spend how much time I want with you."

  "Oh, now it means I'm forced to stay with you? That's sucks. Get used with the fact that I don't ever listen to what they call 'rules'. You can go now."