by S. Moose
I turn to Clayton. “Can you tell me the meaning of life?”
“What do you mean?”
I throw my hands in the air. “I mean, what the fuck is the point? Why can’t we be born and live our life to the fullest, and when we’re old and gray, we take our last breath and pass away. Why do babies have to die?” I scream and toss the mug that was on the counter into the sink. “I’m a nurse. For fucks sake. It’s my job to keep them safe. To keep them alive. As a nurse, I vowed to protect my patients.” I sob and let the tears out. “I should’ve saved her, Clayton. She was so little. She’s never going to get the chance to see her parents or take another breath. She’s never going to crawl or walk or run around the house.”
Clayton hurries to me, bringing me into his arms. My legs become weak, and I lose my balance. He holds me in his arms as we fall to the kitchen floor.
“Let it out, baby.”
“It’s not fair. I should’ve saved her. I can’t lose any more of my patients. It’s not fair, Clayton. Why can’t I save them?”
He rocks me back and forth and telling me it’s not my fault. The problem is, I do not believe it.
“Ashley.” He places his hands on my cheeks and makes me look at him. “Baby, you did everything. I know you did. You don’t have to tell me more because I know how much you love being a nurse. I know how much you love your patients. I remember all the times you’d tell me about your dreams of being a nurse. Your passion is strong and fierce. Your heart is big. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to question life, but don’t for a second think this is your fault.”
“It’s so hard. Clayton, I saw her take her last breath. She was in her mom’s arms, and she was singing to her. Mike, he’s her dad, he sang with her. It was hard to watch. I wanted to do more. I wanted to work on her longer.”
“I know you did, and I know you did everything you could. It’s going to be okay. The best thing you can do is be a nurse, and remember you’re doing the best you can because I know you are.”
I sniffle, holding his arms and trying hard not to break down.
“Why don’t you take a shower, and I’ll get some dinner ready for you.”
I shake my head. “I’ll take a shower, but no dinner. I’m not in the mood to eat. Can I ask you something?”
“Anything?”
“Hold me tonight, please.”
“You never have to ask me that. I’ll do that every night for the rest of our lives.”
I clear my throat and place my hands on his wrists since he’s still holding my face. “Thank you. I need you, Clayton.”
“Of course, I will. Whatever you need. Do you want to sleep? Watch a movie or a show?”
“Sleep, please. I’m going to take a shower.”
“Go ahead. I’ll be out here when you finish.”
Chapter 33
Ashley
Clayton trails soft kisses up and down my body while holding himself above me. His movements are slow and gentle as he pulls in and out of me.
“I love how you feel,” he whispers in my ear. “Nothing has ever felt like this.”
I’m in awe and don’t respond. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck and brush my lips against his cheek.
When he lifts his eyes to meet mine, the look he’s giving me, as if he can’t get enough of me, relaxes me. Slowly, he sinks deeper until a loud groan lets out, and his lips meet mine. His pace quickens, and I spread my legs wider. Once I do that, Clayton rises to his knees, takes one leg, and throws it over his shoulder.
“If this hurts, tell me immediately.”
“Okay.” I breathlessly tell him.
With a sharp breath, he moves in and out of me again. The pain isn’t bad until he thrusts harder. I don’t want him to stop. Hearing the pleasure in his voice is making it easier. Watching Clayton is making everything else fade away.
It’s only us.
The muscles in his arms are bulging as he grips my leg and uses the headboard to balance himself. Everything about him is beautiful. His face becomes more breathtaking, and when are gazes are locked, he lets my leg go and slowly bends down until our lips meet. The kiss is slow and sensual. My body burns from his touch. The softness of his lips against mine leaves me breathless and aching for more.
“I love you. This is what I want. You’re what I want. I promise I’ll never leave you.”
My eyes open, and I stare at the ceiling, too afraid to turn to my right and see Clayton. My heart’s racing, and my mind is on hyperdrive. Of course, I’d have a sex dream while he’s sleeping next to me.
I sit up and slowly move out of the bed and walk to my bathroom. Turning on the faucet to warm, I splash water over my face and push away the words of him professing his love to me and promising to never leave me.
Last night, after taking a shower, I walked out of the bathroom in my pajamas and found Clayton in bed. He was on his phone, and when he saw me, he put it down and smiled. We barely talked when I go into bed, he just pulled me close and I cried myself to sleep. When I walk out of the bathroom, the same thing is happening. Clayton’s up and on his phone.
“Good morning,” he says, putting his phone away. “How are you doing?
“I’m okay. It’ll be hard when I go back to work tomorrow. Today’s my day off.”
“Mine too.”
I kink a brow. “You have today off? Don’t you need to focus on the case?”
He shrugs. “I told Nolan what needs to be done, so it’s okay. You need me here, and it’s fine. I’m going to be here for you.”
“Thank you. I don’t know what else to say. I appreciate you being here for me.” I make my way over to the bed and crawl back in, propping the pillows up and pressing my back against the headboard. “Alex should be getting up soon, and I need to take him to camp. It’s his last week.”
“I’ll get him ready and take him, then I’ll come back with breakfast. Sound good?”
“Yeah, it does. Thank you again. I know you hate it when I say that, but I just want you to know how appreciative I am.”
“As I’ve always told you, I’ll do anything and everything for my family.”
I smile and let the feeling sink in more. These mornings with Clayton, before Alex wakes up, gives us a chance to be together and talk.
“How’s your mom doing?”
I nod. “She’s good. She loves being with Axle, but she’s with Leigh for a few days since she’s having a hard time and doesn’t want to be alone. She quit her job, and I don’t know.” I sigh and close my eyes, remembering the text my mom sent. “Leigh’s not thinking clearly and cries at everything. I want to see her, but my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Dana’s worried too. We don’t know what Leigh’s capable of. Her boyfriend did everything for her, and she got used to it. Depended on him.”
“That’s sad. If you want to go over there and spend time with her, that’ll be fine. Also, I need to tell you, my parents keep pestering me to come and visit. Let me know when they can.”
The thought of meeting his family is making me nervous. I bite my lower lip, and my leg trembles on the bed. I don’t want them to hate me for keeping Alex from them. My biggest fear is them making me feel guilty about not trying hard enough or encouraging Clayton to file for some type of custody.
“I know what you’re thinking. No, they don’t hate you. They’re pretty pissed at me, and my mom understands your hesitation. If you’d like, you can call her and talk to her. Maybe that’ll help you.”
I nod in agreement. “I’d like that a lot. Thank you.”
Clayton gets on his cell phone and then looks at me. “All set. I texted you her number. Let me get Alex ready and go to camp.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “Be back.”
I nod again, unsure of what to say. Once he’s out of the bedroom, I pick up my phone and breathe in and out a few times before calling her.
Michelle Turner.
“Hello?” A nice voice comes through the phone.
“Hi, Mrs. Turner. My name is Ashley
Jackson.”
Her gasp is loud, and I’m not sure how to take it. “I’ve been hoping to hear from you, dear. It’s so nice to finally talk to you. How are you?”
I adjust my position on the bed and smile. “I’m good. It’s nice to talk to you too. I’m sorry it’s taken us a while to talk. Things kind of got a little hairy for a while then we had to figure out things. Thank you for giving us the space we needed. I know it’s been hard on you and Mr. Turner for not coming here sooner to meet Alex.”
“We get it, dear. No one blames you for anything.” She pauses for a beat. “You can blame that on my son of a bitch, son. Pardon my language, but we’re not on speaking terms right now.” She pauses. “I’d like to meet you first if that’s okay, and then we can build on meeting Alex. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s okay. It sounds like a plan. I have off today if you’d like to meet for lunch?”
Michelle quickly agrees, and we plan to meet at a café for lunch. Once I disconnect from the call, I get up and meet Alex and Clayton in the kitchen.
“Good morning, honey.” I kiss the top of Alex’s head. “How’d you sleep?”
“Really good. Do you have to work today?”
“No. I have it off.” I kneel. “Do you want to do something after you’re done with camp? Maybe we can go for a walk in the park?”
“Yeah! That sounds fun. Dad, can you come too?”
Clayton looks at me, and I answer, “Your dad’s coming too. We’ll have dinner first, then go to the playground and get ice cream for dessert.”
“This is the best morning.”
Alex leaps in my arms, nearly causing me to fall. He wraps his arms around my neck and holds me tight.
After watching Clayton drive away with Alex, I put on my sneakers and go for a run. There’s so much on my mind, and I need to figure out what to do. The beating sun shines on me, and music is blasting in my ears from my iPhone. Instead of listening to country music, my go-to, I have my hip-hop playlist on random. The beats pulse through and push me to keep my pace. I’m on mile three and it’s been about twenty minutes.
I’ve always been a runner. When I was pregnant with Alex, I was a part of a bootcamp-style workout and did that along with yoga until my doctor made me stop and put me on bed rest. It sucked, and I hated him for doing that, but I also knew it was for the best.
Turning the corner, I push myself harder, moving faster than I have in a while. Thoughts about my future come into play, and I want it all with Clayton. He’s an amazing father to our son and has made me feel loved and cherished.
I want a future with him. The connection between us is undeniable. The way I feel about him won’t change, and I know he loves me too.
I come to a jog when I hit the crosswalk, and the red light is flashing. I bend over slightly to catch my breath and look at the time. It’s been thirty minutes. The camp’s about a seven-minute drive so Clayton should be home.
My phone goes off, and it’s Clayton. I stop and try to catch my breath before answering.
“Hey. What’s…”
“Baby! Shit. Fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“Clayton? What’s going on?”
“Accident.” His anguish cries fill my ears. “Hospital.”
I drop my phone, and everything inside me is breaking. The tears don’t stop, and I pick up my phone, waving my arms in the air, praying someone will pull over.
“Please!” I yell and see a car coming to a stop. I rush over to their driver's side window.
“Ashley?”
“Oh, my God. Grant!” I get in the car and instruct him to speed to the hospital. I text Gina.
Ashley: Theeere’s been an acidnt.
It’s so hard to type. I can barely see what I’m typing.
Gina: What? Accident? What’s going on?
Instead of texting her back, I press the call button, and she answers in one ring.
“Gina. There’s been an accident. I don’t know the details,” I say in haste. “Clayton called me. I don’t know how Alex is.” The thought of my baby boy in pain. It’s gutting me. Everything inside breaks, and I’m clutching my chest. “Please. Please go check and see what’s going on.”
“Babe. I know. I know. I’ll check. Call me as soon as you get here.”
I disconnect and hug the phone to my chest and pray for God to listen. Pray he’s not going to take my world from me.
Chapter 34
Clayton
The ambulance ride is fast, and I’m holding Alex’s hand. I’m praying he’ll be okay. The paramedic is keeping an eye on his vitals and asking me questions. I don’t know anything about his history.
“I’m sorry. His mom’s on her way. She’ll know everything.”
He nods and goes back to his iPad while I feel like the world’s shittest dad. Here I come into his life, and things are great. Now, I’m the reason he’s unconscious and for the fucking accident.
“Daddy,” Alex cries and squeezes my hand. “Daddy.”
“I’m right here, Alex.” I move forward in my seat and kiss his hand. “I’m right here. Are you in pain?”
“I don’t know.”
The paramedic takes over, and I move aside, giving him room to examine him.
“I’m so sorry.” I look at him then the paramedic. “Is he okay?”
“I’m not completely sure. It’s best not to move him too much. Try to take his mind off what’s going on.”
“I want Mommy.”
“She’s on the way. I promise. When she gets here, we’ll be by your side, and everything will be okay. I’m right here.”
“It hurts.” He cries again, and I place my lips on his hand. “I know. I wish I could take away the pain. We’re almost to the hospital.”
Once I feel the turn, I squeeze Alex’s hand and place it against my cheek. There are no more words coming from me. I can’t think or say anything. All I need is for him to be okay and for Ashley not to kill me.
Rushing in, the doctors ask me questions, and like a fucking idiot I can’t answer any of them.
Before the doctor can say anything else, Gina rounds the corner and sees Alex.
“They’re asking me questions I don’t know.” I cry, and Gina nods, taking over. She tells them what they need to know, and I feel like a fucking piece of shit. This is my son. Alex is mine, and I don’t know if he has allergies.
Once the doctors are with him, I hear Ashley’s voice and hurry out to meet her.
“Ash.” I cry out and raise my hands. She runs into my arms and breaks down. “The doctors are with him. I’m not sure what’s going on. He passed out and then woke up in the ambulance.”
“What?” She lets me go and covers her mouth. “What happened?”
I explained I was at an intersection. It was my right of way, but the car that T-boned us didn’t stop and rammed into Alex’s side. The damage to the car was severe, and I made sure he was conscious before unbuckling the seat belt and freeing us. It was a stupid thing to do, but my instincts kicked in. I had to get him out.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” My head’s spinning from what happened and how useless I’m feeling. This accident’s my fault. I can’t have my son in pain. Why didn’t the car hit my side? “It should’ve been me and not our son.”
Ashley grabs my hand and squeezes it. “No. Don’t be sorry and don’t say that. I know you did everything possible to be safe, and this wasn’t your fault. Let’s go with our son.”
The only thing I can nod and thank God she isn’t kicking me out of the hospital and banning me from seeing him.
Time passes, and we’re sitting in the room with our son. The doctors ran tests and confirmed there’s nothing broken. To be on the safe side, they’re keeping him overnight.
A nurse takes his vitals and lets us know he’s okay. My parents are on the way and so is Ashley’s family.
This isn’t the way I wanted everyone to meet.
There’s a knock on the door, and my parents and brother come
in. My mom takes one look at Alex and cries.
“Son.” I get up and shake my dad’s hand. “How’s he doing?” I look and see my dad’s eyes are red.
“Doctors confirmed nothing is broken, but they want to keep him overnight just in case. He says nothing hurts so that’s plus.” I look over and see Ashley talking to my mom. “That’s Ashley,” I tell them.
“I figured. Glad my grandson’s okay.” He pushes me slightly and stands next to Ashley. I’m not sure what they’re saying, but he hugs her, and I let out a breath.
Nolan rushes in and goes over to Alex’s bed. “Buddy. Whoa, you scared me.”
“Uncle Nolan. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re okay.”
He laughs and stands with my mom. They’re giving Alex attention, and I peek to see a smile on his face.
The door opens again, and Kelly comes in with Dana and Leigh.
Family reunion at the hospital.
We’re home, and Ashley won’t leave Alex’s sight. She’s sleeping in his room. We’ve set up a place for her to sleep. I don’t know what to say to her. We haven’t said much to one another since he’s been home. My parents are in a hotel for now, and Nolan’s with them.
I take the last gulp of my beer and head to the kitchen. Placing my hands on the counter, I hang my head and let the tears stream down my face.
“Hey.”
I turn and see Ashley leaning against the wall. No words leave my lips.
“I appreciate you being here, and I know it’s been hard for you. It’s hard for me too. I don’t know what to do or what to say. How did the accident happen?”
“Ashley.” I pause, afraid of what to say. “You have no idea how sorry I am.”
“I know you’re sorry.” She blows out a breath. “I think we just need some space, Clayton. The accident is hard to think about, and seeing you around here is making it harder. I know I’m being unfair, but I need you to give us space.”
“What?”
“Please, Clayton. Just do this for me.”
