Finding You

by Kelly Elliott

  “Grace, you didn’t do anything wrong. This unfortunately is not an uncommon thing to see. This is nature’s way of saying something was wrong with the fetus.”

  Grace wrapped her arms around her waist and looked up at me. “Noah. We didn’t even get to see him alive. I didn’t even know he was there!”

  Pulling Grace into my arms, I held her as Dr. Johnson said, “Let me step outside for a few minutes. I’ll be back in to go over some things with y’all.”

  Nodding my head, I turned and pressed my lips on the top of Grace’s head. Her body was beginning to shake violently as she lost all control and started crying harder.

  “Our baby. Noah, our baby.”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I wanted to cry. I wanted to join Grace and fall apart at the news of our child passing away but I knew I had to be here for Grace.

  I slowly rocked Grace as I said, “I know, sweetheart, I know.”

  Grace cried for a good ten minutes before she finally lifted her face from my chest. Cupping her face within my hands, I wiped her tear soaked face with my thumbs. Our eyes locked and I wanted to let out a scream. The hurt I saw in them about killed me.

  A small knock and then the door opening, revealed Dr. Johnson again. “Grace, Noah, we need to talk about what happens next. “Grace, your body still thinks you’re pregnant. We have two options. You can leave today, and wait for your body to expel the baby naturally.”

  Grace’s eyes widened. “H-how l-long would that be?” She asked as she barely spoke between her small sobs.

  Shaking his head, Dr. Johnson said, “It could be tomorrow or three weeks from now.”

  “You mean she’d have to carry him around for a few weeks knowing . . . knowing . . .” I couldn’t even finish my sentence for fear I would break down.

  Dr. Johnson nodded slowly at me before looking back at Grace. “Or, we do a surgical procedure where we removed the deceased fetus.”

  “Baby. Please don’t call him a fetus.”

  Resting his hand on Grace’s, Dr. Johnson gave her a weak smile. “If we do the surgical procedure, you’ll have to stay overnight, but there will be less bleeding.”

  Grace wiped her tears away and said, “I can’t carry him knowing he isn’t really there. I don’t think I can do that.” Looking at me, her eyes pleaded with me. Almost as if she thought I wanted her to carry the baby.

  Leaning over, I kissed her forehead. Pulling back, I turned to Dr. Johnson. “What do we need to do next for the surgery?”

  I could see the agony on his face. As if each and every time he had to do this, it destroyed a small piece of him as well.

  Sitting there, I felt numb as Dr. Johnson explained what would happen next. All I could hear was Grace sniffling. Even now, she tried to stay strong when I knew all she wanted to do was fall apart.

  The nurse walked into the room and said they had already begun the process of admitting her as they brought a wheelchair in to bring Grace up to her room.

  Once we got to our room, Grace stared out the window as I sat next to her. My heart ached as I fought for the words I wanted to say. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say to make her feel better. Nothing I could do to take away her pain.

  Standing, I walked around to the other side of the bed. Grace’s eyes moved slowly up my body before they locked onto mine. “I can’t think of one damn thing to say right now, Grace, other than I love you. I love you so much.”

  A tear rolled down her cheek as she gave me a slight smile. “I love you too, Noah and that’s all I need to hear.”

  The door opened as Grace and I both turned to see two nurses walking in.

  It was time.

  Just when we found out we were having a child, he was taken away from us. We’d never know if it was a boy or a girl. Would she have had Grace’s beautiful eyes?

  I fought to find air to breathe. Grace squeezed my hands. “I’m thinking the same things you are,” she whispered.

  Before they went through the doors that lead to the surgery rooms, I leaned over and kissed her. “I’ll be here when you get out.”

  Smiling, Grace pressed her lips together and nodded. “You and me?”

  A lump formed in my throat as I forced the words out. “You and me.”

  The moment they took Grace back and the doors closed, I turned on my heels and practically ran through the hospital to get outside. The fresh air hit me like a brick wall as I leaned over and cried out, “Why? Why God, why Grace?”

  Dropping to my knees, I buried my face in my hands and finally let go. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there until I felt a hand on my shoulder and strong arms lifting me up. When I opened my eyes, Jeff was standing in front of me with Ari behind him.

  Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I said, “I don’t know what to do now.”

  Ari walked up and wrapped her arms around me as Jeff squeezed my shoulder and looked away for a brief moment.

  I wanted to run as far away as I could. The urge to drink something and take a pill to forget everything washed over me as I quickly fought it and pushed it aside.

  Ari pulled back and looked into my eyes. “How is she?”

  Swallowing hard, I said, “She’s trying to be strong. She keeps staring off in the distance. I don’t know if I should let her be, or try to get her to talk to me.” Shaking my head, I whispered, “I don’t know what to do for her.”

  Ari nodded her head and laced her arm through mine as the three of us started to walk. “I know Grace has told you that Jeff and I lost our first child as well.”

  Slowly nodding, I felt like a heel for not remembering. “Don’t give me that look. I didn’t expect you to remember after what just happened, Noah. But, I can tell you, Grace is going to push you away. If she’s anything like me, which I’ve been told a time or two she is.”

  I let a small laugh escape my lips. “What do I do if she does?”

  Ari looked at Jeff as they both smiled. Jeff cleared his throat and said, “You give her some space, leave her with her thoughts but not for long. She needs to know you feel the same way. Noah, you’ve both lost a child. You’re both going to grieve and if someone tells you that you weren’t that far along, bullshit. The moment you found out Grace was carrying your baby, you fell in love.”

  My chin trembled as I thought back to last night when Grace blurted it out she was pregnant. In that moment I made a vow to always protect our baby. I fell in love . . . instantly.

  “She’s going to blame herself,” I said with sadness lacing my voice. “She already asked what she did wrong.”

  Ari covered her mouth and cried as Jeff wrapped her in his arms. “My poor baby. Oh God, Jeff. Why did this have to happen to our, Grace? Why our Grace?”

  Jeff ran his hand over Ari’s head as he repeated, “Shh,” as he gently kissed her head.

  After a few moments had passed, Ari seemed to regain herself. She stood up taller and looked between Jeff and me. “She’s going to be devastated, then confused, and then she’s going to be pissed. Noah, I want honesty right now. How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

  Dragging in a deep and shaky breath, I slowly blew it out. “Earlier, I’d have given anything for a beer and something to make me feel numb. But I pushed it aside and focused on Grace. Her love and the fact that she needs me, is stronger than the urge.”

  Ari smiled and Jeff slapped my back lightly. “If you feel the urge growing, you know what to do, right?” Jeff asked.

  Nodding my head, I said, “Yes, sir. I called Brad after I called y’all. He told me if I was struggling, to call him or you.”

  Jeff gave me a wink. “Come on, let’s go get some coffee and head up and wait for Dr. Johnson.”

  Jeff wrapped his arm around Ari’s waist and led her into the hospital as I quickly said a prayer that everything went okay and that Grace would find the strength she was going to need to get through this.

  Grace

  The warmth of the sun shining through the window warmed my face as I laid there, too afr
aid to open my eyes. If I opened them, I’d have to face my reality.

  Slowly opening my eyes, I saw my mother sitting in the corner with her knees pulled up and her head resting on them. My eyes filled with tears as I watched her. Turning my head, I saw Noah in the other chair with his head rested against the wall. My heart skipped a beat knowing that he was here. Not that I didn’t think he would be, but I knew the moment they brought me back into this room, he probably never left.

  Glancing back over to my mother, I whispered, “Mom.”

  My mother’s head popped up and her eyes met mine. There was an instant recognition there. She knew exactly how I felt.

  She knew the feeling of loss.

  Loss of your child.

  Slowly standing up, my mother glanced over to Noah, then quickly looked back at me. “Hey, baby girl. How are you feeling?”

  Pressing my lips together to keep from crying, I finally said, “Empty.”

  Slowly shaking her head, my mother took my hand in hers and brought it up to her lips where she gently kissed it. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

  “Mom, why? Why do you think this happened to us?”

  I couldn’t say me, because this happened to Noah and me. I knew he felt the loss as much as I did. I saw it in his eyes. I felt it in his kiss and I heard it in his voice.

  Wiping a tear from her cheek, my mother said, “Grace, I asked that same question. Only God knows the answer. The only thing I can wrap my head around is that sweet little baby wouldn’t have been able to make it. It’s a cruel, cruel thing to have to experience and no words will ever make you feel better.”

  “The moment I saw the little plus sign, I felt such a strong love, Mom. I don’t think I’d ever be able to explain it. It was like he had been growing in my stomach for months.”

  Looking over at Noah, I couldn’t hold back the sob that slipped through. “He wants a baby so bad, and I wasn’t able to give him one.”

  Placing her finger on my chin, my mother pulled my eyes back to hers. “Stop that right now. This was not your fault and you will be able to give him a child, Grace. I went on and had your brother and you.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “No. I’m never going to risk feeling like this again. Ever.”

  Closing her eyes, she took in a shallow breath before opening them again. “Grace, if anyone knows how much you’re hurting right now, it’s me. But please don’t let that fear guide your feelings about children. One day, you and Noah are going to be blessed with a beautiful baby I promise you, darling.”

  My body came to life when I felt his touch. Turning, I smiled when I saw Noah standing by my side. Smiling, he leaned over and brushed his lips gently across mine as my stomach dipped. Even though the kiss was soft, I felt Noah’s love pouring into my body and in that moment, I knew we were going to be okay. It was going to be a long road, but with Noah by my side it was a journey I knew we could make.

  Together.

  Pulling away slightly, Noah gazed into my eyes. “Grace Hope Bennet, you’re my everything. You always have been, and you always will be.”

  Placing my hand on the side of Noah’s face, I fought to pull the words from my lips. “Don’t ever leave my side.”

  Smiling a smile that took my breath away, Noah said, “Never.”

  My smile faded as I softly spoke. “I feel so lost now.”

  Noah shook his head as he placed his hand over mine. “Then it’s my turn to find you, Grace.”

  Not being able to hold it back any longer, I let my tears fall as Noah sat on the bed and gently lifted me up to hold me.

  Feeling my mother’s arms wrap around Noah and me, I let reality in.

  Three months later

  Riding up on my horse Rocky, I slowly brought him to a stop at the river’s edge as I watched the water pass me by. A cool Texas winter breeze blew the small strands of hair that fell from my ponytail around my face.

  As I stared at the clear water rolling over rocks, I thought about the last few months since I’d lost the baby. At times I felt so broken I swore I was never going to heal. But today, today my eyes were open and I finally saw what I had been trying so hard not to see.

  Driving by a small country church that I’ve driven by since I was a little girl, something caught my eye and caused me to pull into the parking lot. As I parked, I looked straight ahead and saw several white crosses. Opening my car door, I got out and walked through the small metal gate.

  As I walked around, I noticed none of the crosses had names on them. They were plain with no words written on them. Making my way down the path, I looked up and saw a preacher.

  Smiling, I walked over to him. “Hello. I hope I’m not trespassing, but this little graveyard caught my eye and I had to come in.”

  Giving me a smile, he shook his head and said, “This isn’t a graveyard my child. This is a place of healing. For those who feel lost and alone . . . you’re walking among the cross.”

  Looking around, I noticed that the white crosses were all in perfect rows but they seemed to be making something. It didn’t take me long to figure out the small white crosses made one giant cross.

  “How have I never noticed this before?” I whispered.

  Letting out a soft chuckle, the preacher said, “Sometimes our eyes don’t see . . . until God reveals what we need them to see at the right time we need to see it.”

  In that moment, everything changed. The emptiness inside me disappeared and was replaced by hope.

  Closing my eyes, I let the sound of the water take me to a place I’d been so afraid to go to until today. A baby room painted in a theme of Winnie the Pooh. Noah, holding a baby in his arms as tears fell from his eyes. Me walking around the garden with a little girl with brown bouncy curls chasing after me.

  Hope.

  Hope of a future I was terrified of wanting. A future I was afraid I didn’t deserve. Noah had kept me from totally drowning in the water that was slowly taking over my life.

  No longer. I walked among the cross. The love I felt for our child would never be lost or forgotten. That love would be tucked safely away in a corner of my heart where he would never be forgotten.

  Life started again today with the promise of hope.

  Smiling, I patted Rocky on the neck and said, “You feel like running boy?”

  Nodding his head up and down, I laughed.

  “Let’s go then.”

  Turning Rocky, we headed back to the open field where it only took a small amount of pressure from my legs to set Rocky free.

  With each pounding of Rocky’s hooves on the ground, I smiled bigger until I was screaming out in joy as we both ran free through the pasture.

  Hello world.

  I’ve missed you.

  Grace

  “Grace! What in the hell are you doing? I need to talk to you,” Meagan called out.

  Looking in the mirror, I stared at myself as I stood in my bathroom. Chuckling, I shook my head. “Dare I even dream?” It had been three weeks since my little walk among the crosses.

  I think I knew then.

  Taking a deep breath in through my nose, I exhaled it out and whispered, “Here goes nothing.”

  Closing the bathroom door, I chewed on my lip as Meagan continued to knock on my bedroom door. I couldn’t concentrate with her banging over and over.

  Letting out a frustrated sigh, I opened the bathroom door and marched over to the bedroom door and threw it open.

  “Jesus H. Christ, Meg! What in the hell is wrong with you?”

  Meagan pushed her way through and walked into my bedroom.

  Turning around to face me, Meagan jammed her hands onto her side and glared at me. “Why is Gray here?”

  Pulling my head back, I looked at her like she was crazy. “Um . . . he’s Noah’s cousin and family. Why?”

  Meagan closed her eyes as she slightly shook her head. “He drives me crazy, Grace.”

  Wiggling my eyebrows, I asked, “In a good way or a bad way, Meg?”

&nb
sp; “Fuck you, Grace,” Meagan said as she flopped on my bed.

  Laughing, I made my way over to her and sat next to her. “Meg, it’s okay to like him. I know for a fact he’s kind of into you.”

  Maegan shot daggers from her eyes at me. “He is like kryptonite, Grace. He is so bad for me, yet I can’t seem to stay away from him.”

  Slamming my hands over my mouth, I widened my eyes. “You and Gray?”

  “No. I mean, we have more of a stick and move method to our friendship.”

  My mouth dropped open as I said, “Stick and move method?”

  Meagan shrugged her shoulders and said, “Yeah, you know we fuck, then I leave, then when we’re both feeling lonely, we fu—”

  Holding up my hands, I stopped Meagan from talking. “I get it, Meg. I. Get. It.”

  “I’m happy with that arrangement, but Gray keeps . . . he keeps . . . ugh! Men!”

  Falling backward, Meagan let out a dramatic sigh.

  “He keeps what?”

  “Wanting more! I can’t do more.”

  Lying next to Meagan, we both stared at the ceiling. “Why can’t you do more, Meg?”

  “Oh Grace. I want more than anything to do more, but I’m not good enough for him.”

  Sitting up, I hit Meagan in the leg. “What in the hell does that mean? Meagan, you are more than good enough for Gray. I’d have to say he isn’t good enough for you.”

  Lifting her hands over her head, Meagan grabbed a pillow and pushed it over her face as she screamed into it.

  Standing up, I stared at her as she dropped the pillow to her side. “Feel better?”

  Sitting up, Meagan rolled her eyes. “No.” Looking into my eyes, I saw Meagan’s eyes glass over. “Grace, you know how I went through all that shit in college. The bullying and everything?”

  Nodding, I said, “Yeah, how could I forget.”

  Swallowing, Meagan looked out the window and said, “There was one girl who seemed to just hate me. She was the one who started the rumors and shit.”