Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  John said, “Dee’s papers. She won’t need them till she gets back, anyhow.”

  “Seems so quiet, all of a sudden.”

  “Won’t stay that way, will it?”

  “Probably not.”

  Nikki and I decided to stay in the saucer again. We said our goodnights and took Snitz to bed.

  Miraculously, I woke up before Snitz. We checked to see which plants needed watered and fertilized, and then we wandered up to the house. John had coffee going. I asked, “When does the lawyer make it to the office? Nine o’clock?”

  “I would think so. What do you have him working on, anyway?”

  “Finding Dee’s Chevelle. I hope he’s not going to tell me it got crushed.”

  “What are you doing with that?”

  “Fix it up for her, let her teach the kids some manners.”

  “What else you got going?”

  “I’m thinking I need a better workshop than that barn we’re storing stuff in, and that workshop that came with the place isn’t big enough for what we need to do. I need to see about a metal building, and a slab to put it on.”

  “With the kind of money we’ve got, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Yes and no. I don’t want a crew hanging around over there getting into things.”

  “You two going to move in over there?”

  “That’s on my list as well. You see anything I’m missing?”

  “Training, like Dingus said.”

  “After breakfast.”

  I made omelets, and Nikki was up and around by the time they were ready. Max came dragging in about then too. When the dishes were taken care of, I went with John to start training. By the time I was alert again, it was time to call the lawyer. I got his secretary, who told me the car had been found, sitting in a backyard with a blown engine. She gave me the address of the place. I thanked her, and said goodbye. I asked, “Anybody want to help move?” A chorus of “Sure, why not.” was my answer. We took Nikki’s rig, and she dropped me at the rental place. I got the biggest truck they had, since money wasn’t a problem, and fewer trips would be less hassle. Lots of boxes, a couple of dollies, and I was ready to go. With all of us working, well, Snitz was supervising, it went fairly quickly. We pretty much got the house the first load, and after we got it into the new place, we went to lunch. The next load was the rest of the house and the portable stuff from the shop. By the time that was unloaded, we were hungry again. We returned the truck, and went out to eat. Julie traded tables to serve us, and asked, “So what are you guys up to?”

  Nikki said, “Moving Caveman’s stuff out to our farm.”

  “So you guys are setting up house?”

  “Still have some unpacking to do, but yeah, we are.”

  “A courier brought me some odd papers today, said a distant cousin had died and left me some money.”

  I said, “They got that processed? Good deal!”

  “Where did that come from?”

  “Bounties on those folks you helped catch the other day.”

  “I don’t have any idea what to do with that kind of money.”

  “Let it sit until you need it, then. It won’t rot.”

  “So you guys got a cut too?”

  “Not from this batch, we got the money for the base.”

  “But you were there for this one too, why not take it?”

  “We already have more than we know what to do with.”

  When we finished, we rolled by the Chevelle. It was in bad shape, with a few dents, lots of rust, and up on blocks. I went to the door and knocked. “Hi, I’m Bob Wilson. I was wondering if you would consider selling that Chevelle in the back yard?”

  “That’s a classic, a ‘68. It’s a factory 427 car, rare as can be.”

  I knew that was BS, Dee had told me about scrounging motor mounts from an SS396, and putting in the 427 from an Impala, but I let him run. “So what do you figure it’s worth?”

  “At least a hundred grand. Be worth a lot more when I get it fixed up.” I got a funny vibe off the guy, he kept looking beside the door where a shotgun would lean. I decided not to press the issue. “I see. Sorry to bother you, I was just looking for a project car myself, didn’t realize it was something special.”

  I backed off the porch, and kept an eye on him till I got back to Nikki’s truck. I climbed in and said, “Drive.”

  John asked, “So no luck?”

  “He was deciding whether or not to pull a shotgun on me just for asking about it. I didn’t think getting Dee the exact same VIN was worth a gunfight.”

  Nikki asked, “What’s a VIN?”

  “Vehicle identification number. It proves which vehicle belongs to which paperwork.”

  “Like a transponder code.”

  “Exactly, except these are little metal tags scattered around the car.”

  “Scattered, how do you mean?”

  “They’re attached in different places, to try and make sure no one with bad intent knows where they all are.”

  John asked, “Why do you think he was so hinky about you asking his price?”

  “I dunno, but hopefully, it’s not our problem.”

  We stopped so Nikki and I could get some groceries for the farm. We went by and dropped them off, and took John home. Max was going to stay there for the time being. I took the next tactical course. I was really beginning to feel stupid for having rushed in, and gotten shot. We loaded up Snitz, and headed home. When we got there, I walked around the truck and caught Nikki before she started unloading. “Caveman, what are you doing? We need to get this stuff in the house!”

  “Ancient caveman custom. Just take a minute.” I picked her up to carry her in the house. Luckily, she had her keys handy, so I didn’t have to fumble for mine while carrying her. Once inside, I set her down and kissed her.

  “What was that all about?”

  “It’s called ‘carrying her over the threshold’ and it’s supposed to bring good fortune to a newly married couple.”

  “So we can bring in groceries now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do I get a ride back, too?”

  “Sure, why not.”

  It took a while to figure out where to store everything, and for Snitz to find all the smells in the house. We sat in front of the TV, and I realized I hadn’t had any service turned on. We watched a movie, and ate popcorn, and snuggled. At least, we tried. Apparently, a dog’s place is in the middle.

  I guess moving a bed makes it new again. Anyway it seemed to need a lot of breaking in. Entirely too early, it was time to make sure that this new house had an outdoors, too. Snitz found many new things to smell. He was very interested in the cellar, where Dingus had been in suspension. I suppose hundred year old jerky is like fine wine, to a dog. By the time we had everything checked out, Nikki had coffee started, and was working on breakfast.

  “So what do you have planned today, Caveman?”

  “We need TV and internet for the house, I need to check into getting a slab poured for a new shop, and I should start looking for a different car to fix up for Dee.”

  “Do you think she’ll mind not having the same car?”

  “With that idiot just letting it rust in his backyard? I’d be shocked if she wasn’t. It would cause more trouble than we can afford to force the issue, though.”

  When we were through with the dishes, I got out my phone and got to work. When I started looking at buildings and slabs, I realized I had no idea where I wanted to put it. Obviously, Snitz would need to help me find the right spot. “Hey, Space Cadet, we’re going for a walk. You want to come along?”

  “Sounds good. When are the installation guys supposed to get here?”

  “They both said they could make it this afternoon. Should we take the Frisbee?”

  “Let’s. This is sounding better all the time.”

  We found a low spot not too far from the house that would keep the shop from being easy to see from the road. I stepped it off, and it was plenty bi
g enough for the building I had looked at. I found some fair sized sticks, and roughed in where I wanted the corners. Work done, it was Frisbee time. Other than a few bad landings, Snitz was really getting the hang of it. I wish I had video of the time he snowballed all the way down the hill with the Frisbee in his teeth. Youtube would love that. Snitz got tired, we got hungry, and it was time to get some lunch.

  While we were eating, I had an idea. “Space Cadet, can mechanic bots be programmed for other tasks?”

  “Like what, Caveman?”

  “Excavation, or carpentry, for example.”

  “That sounds easy enough. I was afraid you wanted a haircut.”

  “Not today. I was thinking about letting them do the forms for the slab.”

  I took out a pencil and paper and calculated the amount of lumber required. I added some, for Murphy, and put in an order with the lumber yard. They could deliver that afternoon. I showed Nikki what the bots needed to do, and she set them up. We spent the afternoon dealing with installers and deliveries. When that was done, I asked, “We have that nice big barbecue pit out back. You think we should try it out and invite John and Max over to eat supper?”

  “Roasted animal parts? My favorite! Let’s do that.”

  I called John, and he said they would be over about supper time. Now that I had internet with a decent sized screen, I started looking for a car for Dee. I found some already fixed up, but nothing I thought she would really like. I found lots of rust buckets, buy a title and build a car from scratch sort of things, but finding something solid enough to build without a full restoration, was quite a hunt. Nikki told me it was time to start the fire before I found one I liked.

  John and Max showed up, and we sat and talked while supper cooked. Max wanted to see the cellar, where his Dad had been in suspension. John said he would watch supper while I showed it to him. I got a light and the key, and we went down to Dingus’ chamber. He looked at the equipment stored for Dingus’ awakening, marveling at how crude it was compared to what he was used to. Then he looked at the readouts on the power core, and got a shocked look on his face. “It was a closer call than I thought. He wouldn’t have had power for much longer.”

  “We’ve had a run of good luck.”

  We went up to eat. I mentioned to John the trouble I was having finding a decent car for Dee. He said, “Can’t you buy nearly all the parts as reproductions? Why not just buy one of those titles with rust attached? At least that way, you know she has a solid car.”

  “You’re probably right. It would be easier to build one from scratch than try to fix everything wrong with an old one. I was just trying to be a hard head.”

  “Stick with what you’re good at, I guess.”

  “Thanks, John. It’s so good to have your support.”

  “Anytime. All part of the service. When do you plan to start this great project?”

  “I had thought to wait until the new shop was up, but that’s going to be a couple of weeks. I don’t want to tie up your garage, in case we get customers, so I’m not sure what to do.”

  “Doesn’t this place have a garage?”

  “Duh. I haven’t even been in there. I wonder what it’s like?”

  That prompted an expedition to check it out. It wasn’t big enough to park a saucer in, but it might work. The shelves held all sorts of interesting old bits and pieces. Looked like nobody had bothered to clean it out in a long time. “This might do, after it’s cleaned up.”

  John said, “At least it’s a place to get started, until your new shop is ready.”

  “I think I’ll see if I can get one those bored bots in here to clean it up.”

  It was getting dark. I said, “Nikki and I have a little project going tonight, you guys wanna see?”

  John replied, “Not sure about that, Bob. Are there whips and chains involved?”

  “Bots and shovels and hammers, no whips, no chains.”

  “Bots and shovels and hammers, Oh My!”

  “Come on, Dorothy.”

  We got the bots out of the barn and led them down to the where we were putting the new shop. Nikki set up her program, and they started digging. It was amazing how far they could throw a shovelful of dirt. I asked Nikki, they do know to get back under cover before daylight, don’t they?”

  “I put that in the program, but they will probably be done before then anyhow.”

  “Forms and all?”

  “Yep. Do you want me to have one of them work in the garage tomorrow?”

  “That would be wonderful. It’s not too much trouble?’

  “No trouble at all. Cleaning a work area is one of their standard duties.”

  “Don’t they have to charge?”, John asked.

  “They have tiny little power cores. No, Bob, they won’t show on a scanner.”

  “But they don’t bother Snitz.”

  Snitz, hearing his name, thought surely that treats or Frisbee were about to happen.

  Nikki said, “They don’t, do they.” She fiddled with her watch and said, “How about that. Since the cores are smaller, they rattle at a much higher frequency, one that even Snitz can’t hear.”

  Max said, “Who would have thought an Earther hillbilly could teach us about power cores?”

  “Hillbilly, huh? Max has been into the culture pack, methinks.”, I said.

  John replied, “So it would seem.”

  Satisfied Nikki had the bots well programmed, we went back to the house. John and Max said their goodnights and headed back to John’s. We decided to make an early evening of it, since we hadn’t been sleeping much. About two in the morning, I was awakened by what sounded like gunfire. I grabbed my jeans, my rifle, and a flashlight, and went to see what was going on. The sound was coming from the work site. As I got closer, I saw just what a bot with a claw hammer can do. Sinking framing nails with one blow makes a lot of noise. Three bots doing it together at ridiculous rates is really noisy. If the sound was carrying, we could easily have concerned neighbors calling the Sheriff. I called John. “Wha? Why you calling, Bob? Snitz hear something?”

  “So you don’t hear the bots doing carpentry?”

  “What? No, I don’t hear any hammering. Are YOU hammered?”

  “Just wanted to make sure we weren’t going to have neighbors calling the Sheriff. I didn’t want to have to explain why I have alien robots building concrete forms in the middle of the night.”

  “Let me step out on the porch and be sure, but my house is closer than any of the others. If I can’t hear it, chances are nobody else can.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Bob, I can hear a distant rumble, but it doesn’t sound all that odd. I think you’re okay. I’m going back to bed.”

  “Night, John.”

  Soon enough, the bots finished up. They gathered their tools and went back to the barn. Then the one started for the garage, and I ran ahead to put the door up.

  The bot started in, I put the door down and went back to bed. Snitz got up early, I think it was revenge for leaving him inside when I got up. We went outside to take care of business, and when we got back, I started some coffee. I decided to check the garage while the coffee was brewing. The bot had cleaned the place up, and straightened all the clutter on the shelves. I was surprised when it reported to me in English. “Sir, these bags contain items that appear to be of no further value. I will send an inventory of them to your communicator if you wish to check my work. The shelves have been organized according to what my programming deemed to be a logical scheme. If you wish them organized differently, please tell me what scheme to use. This box contains items that I can repair. This other box contains items which I do not recognize. Is my work satisfactory?”

  “Yes, quite satisfactory. Do you have a name?”

  “Name, sir?”

  “A designation more specific than just ‘robot’?”

  “I am number ZZ809 of my model, sir.”

  “ZZ809, you say. Would it be acceptable if I referred to you as
‘Topper’?”

  “Of course, sir, as you wish.”

  “It will require you having an identifying mark to distinguish you from the other units. Is that acceptable?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I saw some trim paint, masking tape, and a brush on the shelf. Where Topper had found those in this mess was beyond me. After some consideration, I decided he could probably paint a better logo than I could. I showed him a ZZ Top logo on my phone, and asked him to paint the design on his chest plate, with the name Topper underneath. I watched, fascinated as he painted, and then used a built in heat gun to quick dry the paint.

  “Nice work, Topper. After you clean your brush, you may shut down. I will have more for you to do later.”

  “Very good, sir.”

  I returned to the kitchen to find Nikki already up, with a cup of coffee. “Where you been, Caveman?”

  “Out in the garage, talking to Topper.”

  “Topper? Oh, you named the bot.”

  “After breakfast, you want to wander down with me and check out the forms they made last night?”

  “Sounds good. What else do we need to do today?”

  “I was going to get some of the maintenance bots started on those saucers we brought home, see if we can get them in good shape, instead of just flyable. I need to see about getting the slab poured for the new shop, maybe see about getting power run back there, and find a car for Dee.”

  “Sounds like a busy day. No time for Space Cadets?”

  “Always time for Space Cadets. If it doesn’t all get done today, it’s not a biggie. It’s just that things have a way of popping up around here, and making things get put off.”

  After we ate, Snitz led us down to the shop. He thought it would be another Frisbee morning. It was beautifully done. I looked at Nikki and said, “Your program worked very well.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Wish they could pour the concrete, too.”

  “Why couldn’t they?”

  “This slab will take several truck loads of concrete. I don’t think they can mix fast enough to fill the forms before it begins to set. That would make weak spots.”

  “Let me check some things before you hire a crew, okay?”