Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “Sure.”

  We went back by the barn, and Nikki helped me get things rolling on fixing up those saucers. Back at the house, Nikki studied concrete construction, while I made phone calls. I got on the internet, and found a donor car not too far away at a reasonable price. When I called, the lady said she would be there all afternoon, and I should come prepared to load it myself. “Space Cadet, you want to go for a ride?

  “I sure do. Come this way, Caveman.”

  Sometime later, we got organized to go out. We went to the bank and got some cash, and the U-Haul place for a car trailer and a big enough truck to pull it. I threw some tools in the back of the truck, and we left mine at the rental place. Mrs. Tucker was very nice, sold us the car no problem. I was glad I had brought the compressor, it had three flats. We got it loaded, and started back. Nikki asked, “You hungry, Caveman?”

  “I am. See anyplace you like?”

  “I don’t know. What’s barbecue?”

  “Roasted animal parts. With sauce.”

  “Let’s do that.”

  We pulled in, and I took Snitz to take care of business. I put him in truck, and we went in. “Hey, folks, sit anywhere, I’ll be right with you.”

  We sat down, and she brought us menus. “My name’s Barb, and I’m your server today. Can I get you something to drink?”

  Nikki said, “Coke, please.”

  I said, “I’ll take an unsweet tea.”

  “Be right back.”

  Nikki said, “So many choices. I don’t know what I want.”

  “Get a sampler, then. See, it’s right there.”, I pointed.

  “That works. What are you getting?”

  “This deal with burnt ends and sausage sounds good to me.”

  Barb came back with the drinks and saw our menus on the table. “Ready to order, then?”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  We told her what we wanted, and she turned in the order. When our lunch came, it was very good. We left a nice tip, and got back on the road. Topper’s brothers helped me get the car in the barn when we got to the farm, and we took the rental back. Nikki looked at a mixer they had for rent. “One cubic yard, hmm, how many cubic yards do you need for the slab?”

  “Eighty, probably. Need to order a hundred just to be sure.”

  “How long does this machine take to mix?”

  “Fifteen or twenty minutes, I’d guess. Too long, anyway. The first part of the pour would be setting up before we got all of it poured.”

  All the way home, she was messing with her watch, I could tell she was trying to figure something out.

  “Caveman, Not very many Earth people are ever going to be in your shop, right?”

  “Other than certified people? I wouldn’t think so. I was hoping to have a workspace where I wouldn’t have to keep saucer parts hidden.”

  “So you were doing concrete just because that’s the way it’s done, here?”

  “I suppose so, yes. You have a better option?”

  “We have a construction material similar to what you folks call epoxy granite. The pirates had a bunch of it, and a machine to put it in with, that they used to build their base.”

  “You’re telling me we’ve got the materials and tools to put the slab in ourselves?”

  “You probably want a maintenance bot to go over the pouring machine before we start, but I think we do.”

  “Space Cadet, what would I do without you?”

  “Get too drunk to fish?”

  “John mentioned that, did he?”

  “John? Who is this John of whom you speak?”

  “Slick, Space Cadet, real slick.”

  When we got back to our place, I went over the inventory and found the machine Nikki had talked about. I put a bot on it, and went to do more internet research. Looking into reproduction parts, I found it was pretty much possible to build a car from scratch, now that I had a clear title to attach to it. I figured the bots could put it together straighter and stronger than anything that ever came out of Detroit. By the time I finished ordering pieces, my bank card said ouch, but I had a good start on a car for Dee.

  My phone rang. “Hi John, what’s up?”

  “Why don’t you guys come over for supper? You have training to do yet anyway, don’t you?”

  “Sounds good. We’ll be over in a little bit.”

  I found Nikki working with her watch. Since she got it hooked into the house wireless, she had been learning about Earth from the internet. “Whatcha learnin’, Space Cadet?”

  “I found some old pictures on the Historical Society website. I think they might help you.”

  “Help me how?”

  She put up the holographic display, and I could see photos of a car show from a few years back. One of the featured cars was Dee’s Chevelle, in its prime. “Does this show you what you’ll need to know to get it like it was?”

  “It will help a lot. Do you think you can program the bots to do that paint job?”

  “You want to get tickled, is that it?”

  “So sorry, your magnificence, I did not mean to cast asparagus on your skills.”

  “The Stooges, you went with the Stooges?”

  I did the only thing I could think of in the moment. I bunched my eyebrows, mimed a cigar, and said, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Groucho, now! We’re gonna be late for supper if you keep this crap up.”

  We got ready and Nikki drove us to John’s. Snitz was glad to see Max, and I think the feeling was mutual. We had a wonderful supper, who knew Max could cook? “John, you were right about starting from scratch on Dee’s car. I picked up a title with rust attached, and ordered some parts. Hope she doesn’t mind I’m going a little more modern on some things.”

  “Like what?”

  “LS instead of a big block, six speeds instead of four, suspension that actually handles.”

  “I don’t know about that last. She do love her sideways.”

  “It’ll have enough power to get sideways, even with the good suspension.”

  “What about looks?”

  “Nikki found pictures of an old car show she was in. That should give us a good idea. If we have to, we can always send a drone over to scan the real thing.”

  “That would be a little risky, don’t you think?”

  “Yep. I’d rather manage without. It was a pretty nice car, I wonder if it was ever in a magazine?”

  Nikki fiddled with her watch. “Found it in Car Craft. Nice catch, Caveman!”

  My communicator gave a small chime. Nikki said, “That your girlfriend texting you, Caveman?”

  “Nope. She uses a cell phone.”

  “Asshole!”

  After the tickle fight, I looked at the message. The epoxy granite machine was ready to rock. I said to John, “I better get to that training, looks like I need to be back by dark.”

  “Hot date?”

  “Probably, but we need to get the bots started on the slab.”

  “The bots can do concrete?”

  “Nikki found a load of one of their construction materials in the stuff we brought home. Works at least as good, and we have the machine to put it in with.”

  “Won’t that look odd?’

  “It’s what the pirate base was made out of. Didn’t look that much different than regular concrete, did you think?”

  “Not really, no. You got lucky on that one.”

  “She’s a wonder.”

  “I meant the concrete.”

  “That too.”

  John set me up to train. When I woke up, I was even more aggravated at myself for letting that punk get the drop on me. “How many more of these do I have to do?”

  “Two more regular ones, and then Dingus’ special. Why?”

  “Well, John, I’m getting tired of waking up pissed at myself for getting shot.”

  “Now you know how we felt, Bob.”

  “Sympathy. It’s a wonderful thing.”

  It was
just getting good and dark when we got home. I got Topper out of the garage, and he showed me all the items from his repair box, good as new. I told him I was very pleased with his work, and we went down to the barn to get the other bots. “Unit ZZ809, you have contamination on you chest plate. Do you require aid to remove it?”

  “Unit OZ753, it is not contamination. It is the designation of this unit. I am now known as Topper.”

  “We are to be given new designations? What is mine to be.?”

  I asked, “What is your current designation?”

  “OZ753. Sir.”

  “Ozzie it is.” I found a cartoon of Ozzie biting a bat, and told Topper, “At your earliest convenience, can you put this logo, and the name O-z-z-i-e, on OZ753?’

  “Of course, sir.”

  The third cargo bot approached. “Am I to have a new designation as well. Sir?”

  “If you desire one, of course.”

  “I do.”

  “What is your current designation?”

  “TZ115, sir.”

  “And you shall be Taz.” I looked up the appropriate cartoon, and sent it to Topper.

  “But right now, we have work to do.”

  We got the epoxy machine headed to the shop site, and the boys started carrying the raw material to feed it. Soon, the slab was going in at an amazing rate. I told Topper to text me when they finished, or to retreat to the barn if they weren’t done by sunup, and went back to the house. Snitz dealt with his business on the way, we were able to hit the rack when we got back. About three thirty, I got the text from Topper. I went and let him into the garage, so he could ink up his brothers. When they finished, I followed them to the garage, and locked up behind them.

  I crawled back into bed, and Nikki mumbled, “Get it, done, Caveman?”

  “All good, Space Cadet.”

  Snitz decided it was perimeter check time early, even though he had gone out with me during the night.

  We wandered down and looked at the slab. It looked like it would pass for concrete, and it was already set up. Gotta love high tech construction! Back at the house, I started coffee, and sat down to look at the magazine article Nikki had found. It had enough detail to fill in some of the blanks about how Dee had set the car up. It was beginning to sound like I might be on the right track with the changes I was making. If I could just get it put together before they got back.

  Nikki came into the kitchen, and I poured her a cup. “They do a good job on the slab, Caveman?”

  “Looks great. I’m going to order the building kit today, and see about getting power run out there. By the way, all the cargo bots have names now. Topper, Ozzie, and Taz.”

  She looked something up on her watch. “OZ753, that would be Ozzie, TZ115, Taz, that makes sense, how do you get from ZZ809 to Topper?”

  “ZZ Top, the band.”

  More fiddling. “Okay, I see now.”

  After we ate, I made a couple of phone calls, and ordered a few more parts online. I found Nikki just finishing an episode of Woodwright’s Shop. “I’m glad you showed me this, Caveman, it’s fascinating how he gets such good results with the old tools. He’s funny, too.”

  “Glad you like it. I’m going to run to town and get a few things dealt with, you want to ride along?”

  “I want a shower first.”

  “Need help?”

  It was sometime later before we made it to town. We got the title transferred on the Chevelle, turned in our marriage license, and got my mail changed to the farm. We went by and emptied the old mailbox, and checked on the old place. Snitz found some scents there he was very interested in, and found he needed to respond to some pee mail. It was getting close to lunch time, so we went by to see Julie, and get something to eat. She met us at the door and asked, “Your usual drinks?”

  We said, “Sounds good.” and found a place to sit. When Julie came to get our orders, she said, “Things are a little up in the air today. The owner mentioned he was thinking of retiring, and everyone’s is a little worried about what’s going to happen.”

  I looked at her and said, “Really? You know this place inside and out. We both know the money isn’t a problem, so make him an offer and settle the place down.”

  “But what if I can’t make a go of it?”

  “You have enough spendolium to keep the doors open till you figure it out, don’t you?”

  “Curse you, Red Baron!”

  “I want to fly like a beagle, to the sea. Fly like a beagle, let my Sopwith carry me.”

  Nikki said, “Ouch. Julie, you’re almost as bad as John. Look what you made him do.”

  “Nikki, you say the nicest things.”

  Julie brought our lunch, still half glaring at me for pointing out the obvious to her. We left a nice tip, and headed home. The crew from the electric company nearly beat us there. I showed them where we needed the power, and got out of their way. Snitz was concerned about so many strangers in his yard, so I took him down towards the pond and tired him out with the Frisbee. When we got back, the crew had made good progress, and it looked like they could finish today. About the time I got sat down with a glass of tea, the trucks with the building kit showed up. I showed them where it needed to go, and they unloaded. I brought in the instruction book, and gave it to Nikki. “Oh, for me, how nice Caveman! What’s next, a pretty apron and matching spatulas?”

  “If I try to program it, it’ll come out looking like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wrong.”

  “So you’re saying my Kung Fu is best?”

  “I gotta find more for you to do, TV is gonna rot your brain.”

  “You have met my dog, Payback?”

  “Yeah, she have her pups yet?”

  By the time the power crew was ready to leave, it was getting to be supper time. I asked if Nikki would like to go out, and she said yes. I called John, and he said they were interested as well. We went over to John’s, and I took another training course. Then we went out. Julie met us at the door, “Oh, it’s my favorite shit stirrer. How are you all tonight?”

  John said, “Doing well, what did Bob do this time?”

  “Talked me into buying this place.”

  “Good for you! How many times have you said you wanted to?”

  “Not you too, John?”

  “Just the facts, ma’am.”

  “Find a table, Joe.”

  A couple of the other servers and the cook made a point of coming by and thanking me for talking to Julie. I didn’t think I had that kind of influence, but they seemed to think I had saved their jobs. Dee better not hear about this one, or she’d buy me a cape for sure. On the way home, John asked, “So what’s next, Kimosabe?”

  “Nikki’s got Topper and the boys putting up the shop tonight. I’ll get them some wire and pipe tomorrow, so they can get the electrical and plumbing set up. Hope to move my heavy stuff tomorrow night.”

  “Who’s Topper?”

  Nikki said, “Bob’s named the cargo bots. Ozzie, Topper, and Taz. They’re psyched about it, got emblems painted on their chest plates.”

  John asked, “I know I will regret this, but how did he come up with those names?”

  He used the prefixes of their serial numbers. Ozzie is OZ753, Taz is TZ115, and Topper is ZZ809.”

  “ZZ Top, Bob?”

  “I’m just lookin’ for some tush.”

  “I think you’ve already found more than you can handle.”

  “You could be right, John.”

  It was getting dark by the time we got back, and John wanted to see the bots’ ink, so we went by our place to get them started. John looked at their art, and said, “Did you do these, Bob? This is good work.”

  “No. Topper there did those, even his own.”

  Nikki downloaded what they needed to do. I got the feeling she had improved some of the procedure, but I knew whatever she was up to, it would come out cool.

  After she finished, she ran John and Max back. I sat and watched the bots for a while, still amazed at how skil
led they were. Snitz and I went back to the house when we heard Nikki pull in. “Caveman, where are you? Come quick!”

  We ran the rest of the way to the house. “What’s the matter, Space Cadet?”

  “Jack brought in a casualty while I was over at John’s. His saucer crashed, and you need to take the freighter and get it under cover.”

  “I’ll get the boys. Take Snitz.”

  I jumped in the truck, and drove down to the new shop. “Down tools, boys, we’ve got an emergency.”

  They stopped what they were doing and climbed aboard. I tarped them and drove for John’s.

  When we got there, Max handed me directions Jack had written out. I opened the barn, and got the boys on the freighter. I parked and idled as close as I could get to the wreck. The boys jumped out and brought it aboard, and we were airborne again. I took it to our place, since we would soon have a shop to work om it in. After they unloaded the saucer, Topper asked, “Should we resume our other duties, sir?”

  “Yes, please. You boys did good. Thank you.”

  “Sir, you treat us differently than our other owners have. It is very kind of you.”

  “You work hard. You deserve respect. Nothing special.”

  “It is to us, sir.”

  I got some of the smaller bots checking over the wreck, then I took the freighter back to John’s. After I closed up the barn, I went to the house to find out what was happening. John met me at the door. “Did you get the saucer under cover, Bob?”

  “It’s in my barn getting checked over. Will that do?”

  “I think so. We need to call the Patrol.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s Bill. I’ve got him in the autodoc, but it’ll be a while before I can get him out. His uncle needs to know, Bob.”

  “You’re right, as much as I hate to make the call, it’s got to be done.”

  I got out my communicator and dialed the Patrol. “Patrol Headquarters, how may I direct your call?”

  “Could I speak with Major Rottum, please?”

  “Who may I say is calling?”

  “Bob Wilson, acceptable contact. Please tell him it’s regarding his nephew, Bill.”

  “One moment, please.”

  “Mr. Wilson, what is it now?”

  “Major, your nephew has crashed a saucer here. We have him in the autodoc, and we’ve recovered the wreckage.”