Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  Alan replied, “Captain, I believe the only answer I can give to that is, all of the above.”

  I said, “Don’t worry, Alan. Your brain is much faster than an organic like me. You’ll catch up quickly.”

  Sally said, “Don’t let him fool you. His processing may be slower, but his kind have developed shortcuts to let them get to the answer without going through all the steps.”

  Alan said, “This new world is going to take some getting used to.”

  I said, “Gene could probably help you with that, if you asked him.”

  Alan asked, “Gene?”

  “The AI running the Gene Cernan. He’s had more time to get used to working the way we do.”

  “Thanks, Boss. I’ll talk to him about it.” My comm rang. “Commodore Wilson.”

  Topper said, “Hi, Boss. Captain Sloan wanted me to inform you that he and Mrs. Branham had formed two interrogation teams, and have started interviewing the prisoners.”

  “Teams? Who do they have helping them?”

  “Captain Sloan is working with Mrs. Sloan and Haffi Witti. Mrs. Branham is working with Mrs. Cachi and Lakki Witti.”

  “I feel for the prisoners. They don’t have a chance. Anything else you need?”

  “No, Boss. I suppose I should tell you that Sue is doing a fine job.”

  “You all must be doing pretty well. You took down that fleet in nothing flat.”

  “Thanks, Boss. Will you be back soon?”

  “I should be, I think. You need to go drain some hydraulic fluid?”

  “No, Boss. Just curious. See you soon.”

  “Later.” Sally asked, “Topper making it alright?”

  “Seems to be. He was curious about when I was coming back. I think he may have something cooked up”

  “It’s his first day as XO. He probably just isn’t sure what to do next.”

  “I don’t see why. It’s a simple job, really. If something is happening, panic. If not, worry. Did I miss anything?”

  “I think maybe there’s more to it than that, Boss. I’ve never seen you panic.”

  “Just because I look calm on the outside, doesn’t mean I’m calm on the inside.”

  “Whatever you do, it works.”

  “I better get back.”

  Alan said, “Thanks for bringing me back, Boss. I’ll try and make it worth your trouble.”

  “You’re welcome. We’ll get your guns back as soon as we can.”

  Ace was waiting at the ship. “Ready to go back, Boss?”

  “Yep. We finally get some excitement, and I’m out running errands. How about that?”

  “Well, Boss, from what I saw on the feed, it didn’t look too exciting. They went down pretty easy.”

  “Why do you think that is, Ace? Are they really that poor at fighting their ships?”

  “Well, Boss, I don’t know for sure, but I’ve been hitting the culture pack from your planet, and to me it looks like they are expecting you to do some kind of ritual with them, before the fighting starts, like some of the old-time armies on your planet.”

  “You think they are expecting chivalry?”

  “The only other answer I have, is that they are morons. Morons don’t build starships.”

  “That is going to take some work to get my head around, Ace. They sneak around, and do all kinds of dishonorable stuff, and they expect us to give them chivalry? I can’t make those numbers add up.”

  “I didn’t know you were a Swede, Boss.”

  “Norwegian, not Swedish.”

  “Remind me not to turn my back when you have a knife, Boss.”

  “You have been hitting that culture pack.”

  “Just trying to fit in, Boss. We’re here.”

  “We’ll probably need to go out again soon. I don’t know yet how long it’s going to take to get these ships up and ready to go.”

  “You want me for your personal pilot, then?”

  “Want? Yes. I think there are other jobs where the ship needs you worse, though.”

  “Thanks, Boss. It’s nice to be appreciated. I’ll see who I can round up to be your chauffeur.”

  “Later, Ace.”

  “Later, Boss.” I wound my way up to the bridge. Saucy announced, “Commodore on the bridge.”

  I replied, “As you were. What fun things are happening in our corner of the universe today, Mr. Topper?”

  “Things are quiet right now, Boss. Scotti has loaded the Squirrel vessels, anticipating that you would want to return them and their occupants to their point of origin. Work on the Armstrong is continuing, but since her Captain is otherwise engaged, Scotti has also started work on the Aldrin. She hopes to have both ships ready soon.”

  “Any news on the Conrad?”

  “Scotti says it appears to be in better shape than the others. She won’t know for sure until she gets a crew aboard.”

  “The stealth glitch on Black Beauty?”

  “There is good news, and bad news, Boss.”

  “Bad news first, then.”

  “There isn’t a glitch, that’s as good as the stealth can do.”

  “What kind of good news is going to offset that?”

  “The Shepherd was built with an experimental sensor array. She’s the only ship around that can see it.”

  “How long until Scotti is able to give the other ships those sensors?”

  “If I understood correctly, she expects to be able to do that once we get the ships to someplace safe.”

  “What is her agenda, then?”

  “Get drives and navigation safe to fly, and head out of this system. Fix the weapons on the new ships while they are in FTL. Upgrade sensors, and do whatever other maintenance is required when we get to a safe harbor.”

  “How are we fixed for bots on the other ships?”

  “With everyone we salvaged from being adrift, each of the ships that will have to fly on its own has a sufficient compliment. I don’t think anyone would mind if Captain Sloan made a few more shopping trips.”

  “That reminds me, how sure are we that we found all the bots that the Squirrels set adrift?”

  “I don’t suppose we are, Boss. What would you like us to do?”

  “Are Taz and Willum still on board Black Beauty?’

  “They are.”

  “Have them launch and search for any more drifting bots.” There was a short pause, and Topper said, “Black Beauty away, Boss.”

  “Nicely done. It looks like you have everything under control, Topper. Don’t hesitate to call if you need me.”

  I headed out to medbay. John was waiting for me when I got there. I asked, “Gene warned you?”

  “He did. I guess being Captain Branham has its perks.”

  “I just have one question, really. How bad was the radiation sickness among the prisoners?”

  “There wasn’t any. Scotti has someone looking at their shielding, to see if we can copy it.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. I was worried we had done them a great deal of damage.”

  “Now, Bob, they came here with the intent of doing us grievous damage, and you were worried about a little radiation sickness?”

  “It’s just something Ace said. It doesn’t make sense, and yet it does. He thinks they come in the way they do, because they are expecting us to do some sort of chivalrous ritual before battle.”

  “That does line up with what they do, but how would we go about testing his idea without putting ships at risk?”

  “Gee, I was hoping you could come up with a brilliant idea. Isn’t it your turn?”

  “I think so, but I got nothing. Let me think about it, okay?”

  “Fine with me. Sally has the Shepherd, Dingus is lined up to take the Armstrong, do you want the Aldrin, or the Conrad?”

  “Doesn’t matter to me, they’re both names to live up to. Does Steve have a preference?”

  “You didn’t hear? I miscounted. Steve had the low scores and got knocked down to a destroyer. He was happy about the whole deal,
since he wouldn’t have to worry about Bucky being Air Boss and wanting to go flying with her pilots. Diego has the other carrier.”

  “How’s he taking his former crewmates getting spaced?”

  “He knew Jennie was bad news, but he didn’t know how bad. I think he feels he should have kept Bill from getting so close to her, but I don’t see how he would have done that.”

  “Well, Bob, I wouldn’t know anybody who gets the guilts when somebody on their crew goes off the rails.”

  “Yeah, I resemble that remark. Wish I knew how to help him over the hump.”

  “I think that’s Zoom’s job, and if she can’t fix it, it ain’t broke.”

  “Dang, John. Where have you been with all this good advice? I could have used some of this before now.”

  “Staying in my lane, Bob. As long as Nikki is around, it’s her job, not mine.”

  “That makes sense, but sometimes, I need an Earth point of view.”

  “Next you’ll tell me nothing matters but the weekend.”

  “Is it Tuesday already?”

  “Out here, it might as well be whatever day you want it to be.”

  “I do have a question, a little more serious.”

  “No, Mongo straight.”

  “Smartass. What do you think the Squirrels will do when their little expedition fails to report in?”

  “That’s a lot more serious, Bob. I’d think it would depend on how fast they thought we could get those ships into the black, and I doubt they think we’ll be anywhere near as fast as Scotti actually is.”

  “So, you’re saying they will send another fleet, hoping to catch us before we get mobile?”

  “Well, Bob, based on the way they’ve acted so far, I think that’s the way to bet. Don’t you?”

  “Yes, I do, but I was hoping you had a good reason I was wrong.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you. I’d like to be able to think they weren’t coming, too.”

  “If you’re going to be like that, I guess I’ll keep wandering around, and see what it was that gave me the wanderlust.”

  “You mean to tell me that you think it’s problems calling to you that bring you out to wander around the ship?”

  “Doesn’t make any sense to me, either, but that’s the way it seems to work.” Even though I knew better, I detoured around Frank’s cabin on my way to Engineering. I wasn’t up for having my applecart turned over right then. Scotti met me as I came into her area. “What do you need, Boss?”

  “Four more like you, to take care of the new ships?”

  “We’ve found bots who are close, but you know I’m the best that’s ever been.”

  “No way I’m going to find out, I don’t even play fiddle.”

  “Good answer, Boss. You’re worried about something, or you wouldn’t be out walking around. Spill.”

  “Any way you’re going to have enough folks to get some weapons going on these ships we’re waking up? I’m thinking the Squirrels might try again before we get out of here.”

  “The carriers, probably not. The destroyers were shut down a little differently, we might have a chance with them.”

  “Pick the best one for Steve Mason. I counted wrong and wound up with too many Captains.”

  “He’s okay with that?”

  “He said he thought it would fit his way of thinking better than a carrier, anyway.”

  “Some day when we don’t have hostiles breathing down our necks, you’re going to have to explain to me how you get so lucky.”

  “All the good folks I have working for me.”

  “Mrs. Sloan is right. You must wear blue contacts.”

  “I better get out of your way, you have a lot to get done.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  “Later, Scotti.” I headed for the brig, to see if the interrogators had any luck. On my way, I found a big bot, who looked lost. I asked, “Where are you headed?”

  “I’m sorry, Sir. I was posted on a destroyer before, and I don’t understand the layout here.”

  “No biggie. Where were you supposed to report?”

  “I am MK-369. I am tasked to the brig to help with prisoners.”

  “You’re a Mick? You must be Sean, then.”

  “Sean, Sir?”

  “I’m no good at remembering all those numbers. All you folks get nicknames. You’re a cop, your prefix is MK, there’s no doubt you’re a Mick. Sean seems like the next logical name. Why, do you have a problem with it?”

  “No, Sir, but who are you to be handing out new designations?”

  “Oh, sorry, didn’t introduce myself. I’m Commodore Wilson. You work for me, now. By the way, that’ll be enough of that ‘Sir’ stuff. Call me Boss, please.”

  “And where are we going?”

  “To the brig. I was headed there, anyway.” We got to the brig, and Angus was out front. He asked, “Hi, Boss. Who’s this fella with you?”

  “This here is Sean, your new help. He’s not used to carriers, and got turned around. I was headed this way, so I brought him with me.” They froze for a second, exchanging information. Sean said, “Thank you. I think I can find my way, now.” Then he turned to me. “Thank you, Boss, for taking the time to help me out.”

  I replied, “I’m sure you’ll be worth it, Sean. Don’t hesitate to get ahold of me, if you need something.”

  He looked at Angus. Angus said, “He means it. He takes good care of us, here on the Gene.”

  Sean took off, presumably to whatever task Angus had assigned him. Angus asked, “You don’t have three or four more of those in your hip pocket, do you Boss?”

  “Not that I know of. Let me check for you.” I called Topper. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Could you have Sue run an internal scan, and make sure there aren’t any more MK series bots running around, looking for the brig?”

  “Sure, Boss, but why?”

  “I found one who used to work on a destroyer, and couldn’t find his way on the Gene. Angus needs all the help he can get.”

  “Okay, Boss, she found two more, and she’s got them on the right path to get to Angus. Need anything else?”

  “Nope. Thanks, Topper. Talk to you later.”

  “Later, Boss.” I turned to Angus. “Found you two more, they’re on their way.”

  “I was joking, Boss, but thanks.”

  “I didn’t think they would find any, either.”

  “I’m guessing you’re here to check in with the interview teams?”

  “I am.”

  “They are in interview rooms one and two. You know where the observation rooms are, don’t you?”

  “Yep. Thanks.”

  I went into the first observation room. Dingus’ team seemed to have their subject upset, and it looked like they might be about to make some progress. I doubted that interrupting them for a progress report would help, so I tried the other observation room. Jane, with an all-female team, wasn’t doing as well, because of the Squirrels’ attitude toward women. I listened for a bit, and when he started winding up about how I was a coward hiding behind females, I decided it was time for a little fun. I gently unlatched the door, and then kicked it open for shock effect. I strode up to him, grabbing his collar in my left hand. I put him against the wall, with his feet dangling. I said, “Just exactly who do you think you are, to question my choice of personnel to interrogate your sorry ass? Don’t bother answering, because I don’t care. There is a question I would like answered, though.” I pulled my Ruger, and probed his tonsils with it. “Just exactly why should I refrain from painting the walls in here with your brains?”

  “Who-who are you?”

  “I’m that infamous monkey you all are so wound up about. Bob Wilson.” I heard a drip, and made sure I was standing far enough back to keep my shoes dry. I said, “Get a mop in here. He needs to clean his mess.”

  “You expect me, an officer, to mop your deck?”

  “You can mop it, or the next fella can clean up your piss, and your brains, if there’s even
enough to see.”

  I threw him in the puddle. “There, you don’t have near as much to mop, now.” He came up with fire in his eyes. “I would teach you respect, if you weren’t armed.”

  I asked, “Jane, Pete’s gym isn’t far from here, is it?”

  “No, Boss. You probably want to leave him breathing, you know?”

  “You take all the fun out of things.”

  “Just trying to look out for you.” I unhooked him from the table, and we went down to the gym. Pete was helping with the new ships, so Greg was there by himself, doing some drills. I asked, “Mind if I borrow your fighting ring?”

  “No, Uncle, um, Captain, um, Commodore.”

  I handed my pistol to Jane, and removed the prisoner’s restraints. I said, “Whenever you feel lucky, punk.”

  He pulled a knife he had somehow gotten past Angus and charged. Suddenly, I was grateful for all the training Dingus got me to take. I was able to get the knife away from him, and stick it in a pad across the room. He didn’t look nearly as confident after that. He made a few wild swings, and finally I just did the old Three Stooges thing and grabbed the top of his head. He was swinging, but he couldn’t reach me. I said, “Gene, be sure and get some good footage of this, so we can broadcast what a great fighter he is, when we drop him off at Oak.”

  “On it, Boss.” His fury increased, but not his success. I asked Jane, “Did you get the name of this fine example?”

  “Leffi Nalli, Boss.”

  I spoke in a loud, clear voice, for the recording. “Behold, Leffi Nalli! Not satisfied with wetting himself, he has decided to bring further shame to himself and his family with this futile display. What amusements will he provide next? Could I get him to completely lose his wits?” I pushed him onto his butt. “Do you care to try again?” He charged, and I was able to keep him from landing any blows. I let him keep trying till he couldn’t hold his arms up. I tapped him gently on his forehead, and he fell over. Beatriz spoke up. “Commodore, that was fun! Do you think we can do it with all the prisoners?”

  “I think that might be more fun than we ought to have, Ma’am. I don’t see any problem with showing them the recording, though.”

  Leffi had come around enough to be following the conversation. He said, “You would humiliate me in front of my crew? I will never be able to command again!”