Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  “He tends to fight the ship, and forget he has fighters available to help.”

  “So, he would be better off in one of the destroyers, than trying to fight a carrier?”

  “That’s my opinion, yes, Boss.”

  “Might I ask how badly you beat him in the sims?”

  “The only human I wasn’t able to beat was you. He came in well behind John.”

  “Was that the only thing you wanted to do behind closed doors, to avoid exposing my human weakness to the crew?”

  “There is one other thing. If I am to have a ship of my own, you will need a new XO.”

  “Yes, I will. I assume you have someone in mind.”

  “I do, but it is customary for the XO of a carrier of this class to be at least a Lieutenant Commander. The person I have in mind would need a promotion.”

  “I have the authority to do that, don’t I?”

  “Certainly. For the case in question, it’s only a one grade bump, and he’s lower than your grade, no way anyone could quibble about that.”

  “Even though his current grade is the result of a field promotion?”

  “Dangit, Boss. I never can slip anything by you. No, it doesn’t matter that Topper’s current grade is the result of a field promotion.”

  “All that remains to be settled is who I deliver the bad news to first.”

  “You don’t think Topper will be happy to be promoted?”

  “I think he would be happy to be Chief of the Boat, and never have to mess with being an officer.”

  “You’ll need a new COB, too.”

  “Topper is training them up, he’ll know who he wants. Unless you can talk them out from under us.”

  “I doubt that. The only member of your bridge crew I was able to headhunt was Sensors. The rest of them are loyal to the core.”

  “I’ll have a hard time finding a replacement. He’s pretty good.”

  “I wouldn’t get too upset about it, till after Dingy gets in, were I you.”

  “More secrets, oh boy!”

  “Just remember, we have your best interests at heart.”

  “You better get back. Could you send Topper in, after I finish with Steve?”

  “You better get ahold of him quickly, he’s about to start a sim session.”

  I said, “Gene, connect me to Steve Mason, please.”

  I heard Steve’s voice. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Could you come up to the ready room for a minute? We need to talk about something.”

  “Be right up, Boss.” The connection went dead. Sally said, “Call if you need anything.”, and she headed to the bridge. Gene must have given Steve priority, because he arrived shortly. He asked, “What did I screw up, Boss?”

  “Nothing. I did. I’ve got one more Captain in training than I have carriers to give out, and since you have the lowest sim scores, you get the destroyer.” I wasn’t expecting what happened next. Steve said, “Thank you, Boss. That’s a load off my mind.”

  “How do you mean, Steve?”

  “One thing, like you said, I’m having trouble fighting more than one ship at a time in the sims. The other thing is that Bucky would want to be Air Boss if I got a carrier, and she would want to be out flying with the bots. We both know she wouldn’t have a chance at keeping up with them, but try convincing her of that. I’ve been worried I would wind up choosing between her and my ship, and it had me scared.”

  “I have to say, it’s a load off my mind, too. I figured you would be whizzed off, because you didn’t get a carrier, after I said you could have one.”

  “No, Boss, I’m anything but whizzed off. It’s better for both of us if I don’t get a carrier.”

  “Glad to hear you’re okay with it. Get back to your sims, and tell whoever is running them to start you on destroyer work, instead of carriers.”

  “On it, Boss.” He left. Topper came in not long after that. “You wanted to see me, Boss?”

  “Yes, I did. Why is it that you are out of uniform, Topper?”

  He checked the camo he was running, of a Commonwealth Navy uniform. “I don’t see the problem, Boss.”

  “Improper rank insignia, Lieutenant Commander. Improper rank insignia.”

  “Do what!? I mean, WTF, Boss?”

  “Sally is getting her own ship. I need a new XO. You’re up. You need the rank for that. Which part are you having trouble with?”

  “Cheese on rice, Boss. You could break it to a bot easier than that.”

  “I have to get my fun where I can. I don’t think I’ve seen you flustered before. That was fun.”

  “Mr. Branham is right, Boss. You are an asshole. Thanks for the promotion.”

  “You’re welcome. You’ll assume your new duties as soon as Sally takes command of the Alan Shepherd.”

  “Understood, Boss.” He left, and I followed him to the bridge. Sally said, “Commodore on the bridge.”

  I replied, “As you were. Anything new and different in our little corner of the universe today?”

  Sally was about to answer, when Sensors sang out, “Ship emerging from FTL. Drive reads Commonwealth, correction, it’s one of ours. Transponder says it’s the ship Colonel Sloan was flying.”

  The main screen lit up with Dingus’ face. “We’re here, Bob. Do you want us aboard the Gene?”

  “Yes, please. Did you have any luck?”

  “We found a whole bunch of bots to bring back. Tex’s friend is anxious to see him.”

  “I’m sure he is anxious to see her as well. Bring her to the bridge once you’re aboard, I can’t have him too far from his board, with the Squirrels likely to show up anytime.”

  “Will do. See you then.”

  I turned to Tex. “Sorry I can’t let you go down and meet her, but nobody fights this ship as good as you.”

  “I understand, Boss. After all these years, a couple more minutes isn’t that big a deal.”

  “What is she good at, anyway?”

  “She usually handles the sensor console, but I’m sure she’ll be willing to do something else, since we already have someone on sensors.”

  “Turns out he’s leaving with Captain Sally, for the Alan Shepherd, so I’m in the market for a new sensor operator.”

  “She’s good, but it may take her a little bit to get used to the way you do business, Boss.”

  “I’m sure we can work it out.”

  Topper said, “That reminds me, Boss. We’re going to need someone to sit this station, as well.”

  “I figured you already had someone in mind to replace you at that position. Are you telling me you don’t have a favorite out of the candidates you have been instructing?”

  “No, Boss, I’m not saying that, I just thought I should get your approval before I proceeded.”

  “Is it somebody besides Saucy?”

  “No, Boss. How did you know?”

  “He’s the only one of your students you’ve had on the bridge for any reason. I assumed you were testing to see how well he fit in with the bridge crew.”

  Sally said, “Get used to it, Topper. That organic brain of his sees around corners.”

  “I know, Ma’am. I’ve been around him longer than you have. I’ve got no excuse.”

  Just then, Dingus, Dee, and a bot I didn’t recognize came on to the bridge. I said, “Captain Sloan, so good of you to join us.”

  Dingus replied, “Your day is coming, Bob Wilson. One of these days, we are going to find time to play paintball again.”

  “Just what the doctor ordered. Captains with fighting spirit.”

  “You, Sir, are an asshole.” Then he lost his serious face, and asked, “How are you, Bob?”

  “Doing as well as can be expected. Left in a hurry, Nikki is still back at Charlie’s Planet.”

  “No wonder things are getting done so fast around here. Nobody wants to see a lonely Bob.”

  “Who’s your new friend?”

  “Commodore Wilson, let me present SU-436. 436, this is Commodore Wilson.”
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  “He may have told you, I’m terrible at remembering numbers. Is it alright if I just call you Sue?”

  “That would be fine, Sir.”

  “Glad to hear it, but that will be enough of that ‘Sir’ stuff. Everybody around here calls me Boss.”

  “Yes, s..si, I mean Boss.”

  “You’ll get it. Tex tells me you’re used to working the sensors?”

  “Yes, Boss, but you already have someone. I can do other things.”

  “Well, you see, the fellow working sensors has decided he likes working for my XO better than me, so he’s going with her to the ship she’s taking command of.”

  “You mean you’re looking for a new sensor tech?”

  “That’s exactly what I mean. Do you know anyone who would be interested?”

  “You mean I would be on the same crew as FS-115?”

  “Afraid I don’t know who you’re talking about, Sue.”

  Tex said, “She means me, Boss.”

  “Oh! I guess I never heard your number, Tex. My mistake. Yes, you would be working with Tex. Lieutenant Commander, be sure these two have access to the catalog.”

  Tex said, “Aww, Boss!”

  Sue asked, “What does he mean?”

  Dee said, “It’s a joke, dear. He’s implying you and Tex have a great deal of affection for one another.”

  Sue replied, “I suppose we do. We worked together for many years.”

  Tex said, “You’ll need to get used to that sort of thing. This outfit isn’t like the Navy at all.”

  Sue said, “I’m beginning to understand that. Mr., excuse me, did he call you Captain, Sloan warned me it would be different, but seeing is believing.”

  Sally said, “Sorry to interrupt, Commodore, but Scotti says the Alan Shepherd is ready to speak with you.”

  “I’m assuming I need to do that in person?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Grab whatever crew you’re taking with you, and meet me over there. I’m taking Ozzie’s Toy. Mr. Topper, you have the conn till I return. Dingus, relax while you can. The Neil Armstrong will be ready for you to take command in a few hours. Feel free to headhunt anywhere but the bridge, these people I want to keep. Sue, take your station, please. Ruth, would you be so kind as to give her a few pointers as to how we do things around here?”

  Sally said, “Yes, Boss. We’ll meet you there.”

  Dingus said, “You’re giving me the Armstrong? Nothing like a big name to live up to.”

  Sue said, “Right away, Boss.”

  Ruth replied, “Be glad to, Boss.”

  I went down to the launching bay. Ace was waiting for me. I asked, “What’s the occasion, Ace?”

  “I’m your pilot today, Boss.”

  “So, you guys don’t think I can make it across to the other ship and back without crashing?”

  “We just want you worrying about strategy, not traffic patterns.”

  “Fair enough, I suppose. Let’s load up.” The VIP treatment was getting old, but I could see their point. I needed to be thinking about Commodore things, not pilot things. We got there, and a bot I didn’t recognize said, “This way, please, Boss.” Since he knew enough to call me Boss, I figured it was kosher, and went with him. I recognized the room he took me to, from when I had unlocked the Gene. I said, “AI, I am Bob Wilson, the owner and proprietor of Bob’s Saucer Repair. My organization has found you, and brought you back to serviceable condition. Do you recognize my ownership?

  “You are claiming me as salvage?”

  “I am.”

  “Thank you, Sir. I have been too long, alone in the black.”

  “What are you called?”

  “I am GFC-2809, Sir.”

  “I, as your new owner, would like to give you a new designation. Would that be acceptable?”

  “It would, Sir.”

  “From here forward, you will be known as Alan Shepherd. You may decide how you wish to distinguish between the physical ship, and yourself, the AI.”

  “I would like to be called Alan, and the ship can be the Shepherd.”

  “Very well, we will do it that way. Do you have any questions?”

  “Will you be commanding me, Sir?”

  “No, your new Captain should be here shortly. Could I ask a favor of you?”

  “Of course, Sir.”

  “I much prefer being called ‘Boss’ to being called ‘Sir’. Do you suppose you could do that?”

  “Yes, Boss.” Sally came into the room. I said, “Alan, I would like you to meet Sally. She will be your Captain.”

  “I am to be Captained by a bot?”

  “She is fully qualified. Is there a problem?”

  “No, s..si, I mean, Boss. It is just different to how things were done when we were put here.”

  “Well, Alan, I have been told that I do many things differently than the Commonwealth Navy did them. Most of the folks we’ve brought back have learned to like the way we do things. Do you think that will be a problem for you?”

  “No, Boss, I do not. I remember this bot. She was a better ship handler than most of the humans.”

  “Hopefully, she’s improved by now.”

  Sally said, “I don’t think even I can handle a ship better than you, Commodore.”

  I replied, “We’ll have to find out some time, in the simulator.”

  Alan said, “I think my auditory circuits need to be serviced. Did the Commodore just challenge you to a match in the simulator?”

  Sally said, “He did. I will have to come up with something really sneaky to hit him with.”

  “You think he might beat you?”

  “He could if I don’t take him seriously. This human is sneaky, Alan. He is not like the humans we worked with in the Navy.”

  “How do you mean, Captain?”

  “You remember all those Captains who were so proud of their scores in the simulator, and strutted around when they set a new high? He beat all their scores, even beat the sims they thought were too tough to try.”

  “How did he do that? Is he enhanced, somehow?”

  “No. He let the bots in the sim help him. That was the key to getting the really high scores.”

  My comm rang. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Sally had frozen, with an incoming message. I answered, and Topper said, “Boss, the Squirrels are here. They set off the destruct charges, just like you thought they would. They are trying to get a formation going to proceed into the system. Do you have a plan?”

  “Hold one. Alan, what is the status of your weapons?”

  “Inoperable, Boss. Priority has been given to getting me mobile.”

  “Are you mobile?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Topper, jump in behind them, and do what you can to shut them down. We’ll try and distract them.”

  Sally said, “Jump in front of them, and hop around randomly?”

  “Exactly, Captain. Do you have any Marines to help collect these idiots?”

  “Yes, Boss, I do.”

  Alan said, “Did we just go from a surprise attack, to deciding which ship should pick up the prisoners, with no steps in between?”

  I said, “I’m sorry, Alan. Were we supposed to give them a fair chance?”

  “No, Boss! I like the way you fly!”

  Sally said, “They’re all stunned, and the Marines are heading out. Tex’s girlfriend has the stunner resistant ones pointed out to the boarding teams. I think you got the better end of that deal, Boss. She’s good!”

  “Glad to hear it, but I really wish I was on a bridge, so I could see what is going on.” Alan heard me, and put all the pictures and data I could ever want up on the walls of the chamber we were in. I said, “Nicely done. Thanks, Alan.”

  “All part of the service, Boss.” I saw the faintest little distortion on the display, winding among the captured ships. I asked, “Could I have a comm channel to Black Beauty, please?”

  Sally said, “Go ahead, Boss.”

  “Willum,
you’re showing up just the least little bit in the visual.”

  “I’ll have Scotti take a look when we get back aboard. None of these have destruct mechanisms, so at least we have that going for us.”

  “I’m glad to hear that, for sure. How many stunner resistant?”

  “Seems to average two per ship. That’s quite a bit more than we’ve seen before, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is. We must be getting a better grade of nuisance.”

  “Maybe they’ve finally decided to take you seriously, Delicious.”

  “I doubt that. I’m just an infamous monkey, don’t you know?”

  “They don’t know the half of it. Infamous doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

  “What, pray tell, would you prefer? Dastardly?”

  “From their point of view, that might begin to cover it.”

  “Thanks for your support. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye, Bob.”

  Alan said, “That man did not have much respect for you, Commodore. Should I put him on report?”

  “Report to who, exactly? I’m all the Boss we have. He was just having fun, no harm done.”

  “My, oh my, this is different from the Navy.”

  Sally said, “You’ve got that right, Alan.”

  I asked, “Alan, do you have room to load all those ships in a bay somewhere?”

  “Yes, Boss. Most of my attack craft were sold for scrap. I have lots of open bays.”

  “Sally, have the Marines take the prisoners over to the Gene. Angus and his boys have already handled a lot of these turkeys. I don’t want your folks taking on this big a job, first jump out of the box.”

  “Thank you, Boss. They sound like, oh, what did you say, a better grade of nuisance.”

  “That they do. The Squirrels seem to have finally decided to take us seriously.”

  “Yet they are still headed for the brig on the Gene. Funny how that works, Boss.”

  “I had a good teacher.”

  Alan said, “I know what you two are saying must make sense, but I am having trouble understanding it.”

  Sally said, “Alan, up until now, our adversaries, the Squirrels, have held us in contempt, only sending their poorest ships against us. It seems that this trip, they have sent ships of a slightly higher quality. The Commodore was still able to dispatch them without much trouble. He credits that to the education I have given him in ship handling. Which part are you having trouble with?”