Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  “You don’t see why those courses are important, and think you should skip to the ones you actually want to take, right?”

  “Well, yes.”

  “You know Zoom. Do you really think she wants you to take those courses just to be mean to you?”

  “No, she just wants me to have the background, in case something goes wrong, while I’m flying.”

  “We’ve got some time, before we get back. If you got to work on what she wants you to take, you could be ready for the pilot course by the time we got back. Or, you can keep griping about how it isn’t fair, and still be right where you are, when we get there. Your choice.”

  “Dang you, and dang your logic! I’ll get started after we eat, Boss.”

  “That’s the way to get what you want. A wise man once said, ‘Whatever the hard thing is, do that. It’s most likely the right thing.’”

  “What movie is that from?”

  “No movie, that I know of, the Travis McGee books. I do read, you know.”

  “Never heard of them.”

  “You probably wouldn’t like them. The girl always dies, in the end.”

  “Why?”

  “I guess it was the easiest way to keep Travis from having a bunch of attachments, that would complicate the story.”

  “Strange.”

  “I suppose. What are you making that smells so good, anyhow?”

  “Mom’s spaghetti recipe.”

  We ate spaghetti, and I helped her clean up. Then I hooked her up for the first of the courses Zoom had said were prerequisites for pilot training. Once she was started, I went to the cockpit. “How’s it going, Ace?”

  “Smooth, Boss. You might want to check in with Shorty, though. I think you sent him down a rabbit hole.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “He’s been looking at all the sensor data he can get, ever since we went to FTL, trying to see what he can tell about normal space from here.”

  “Do you know if he’s having any luck?”

  “I haven’t bothered him, he’s pretty engrossed.”

  “One of the fun parts of sitting in the big chair, bothering people who don’t want to be bothered.”

  “And you’re good at your job, Boss.”

  “You say you’d rather be hauling pigs out from Earth to Charlie’s?

  “See what I mean? You’re good at it.”

  “Call me if anything happens. I’ll go see about Shorty.”

  “Later, Boss.” I went to the cargo bay, and found Shorty in a corner, plugged into the ship. I went up to him and asked, “Mind if I ask a few questions?”

  He came out of his trance, and said, “Go ahead, Boss.”

  “Are you finding much?”

  “I’m looking back over old records, too, and I think I know what a drive trace looks like. Beyond that, I can tell when we go by something massive, like a star or a planet.”

  “Do you have any idea why the old-time Navy didn’t look into things like this?”

  “All their Captains thought they could handle anything in space, and weren’t looking for a competitive advantage, is about all the answer I can come up with. It sounds as weak to me as I’m sure it does to you.”

  “Do you have any ideas for how to change the sensors so that they can pick up on these traces better?”

  “Not yet. I don’t have a good enough idea of just what it is that I am looking at.”

  “Make sure you ship all your data to Scotti, as soon as you’re able.”

  “Sure thing, Boss. You really think she hasn’t looked at this before?”

  “I think if she had, I would have fully qualified sensors in every ship, that would keep normal space wired like a pinball machine, whenever we were in FTL.”

  Shorty thought that over for a second. “She wouldn’t keep something like that a secret, would she?”

  “Nope. Looks like you’re the first.”

  “Do you really think it will turn out to be useful?”

  “We could search for lost vessels a lot faster, if we could look for their drive trails from FTL. That’s one good use right there.”

  “I suppose so. I’ll keep working on it.” I headed to the cockpit. I had forgotten to ask about the Squirrel courses. Ace said, “Hi, Boss, back so soon?”

  “I realized I forgot to get an update on those Squirrel files you were working on for me.”

  “We found three. Julie has them cued up for you as soon as you finish the Commonwealth ones.”

  “I only have one more of those, so I should be able to start soon. Maybe that will give me some understanding of how the Squirrels think.”

  “Good luck, Boss. I can’t even figure out you humans, most of the time.”

  “Heck, Ace, we’re doing good to figure one another out.”

  “Good to know it’s not just me, I guess.” I went to the cargo bay. Ozzie had finished Lyla’s saucer, so we got a Frisbee game stirred up, until Julie said, “Time to train, Boss.” I went and took a course that actually made sense of the way the Squirrels handled their ships. I woke up alone and went to find Julie. She was in medbay, checking on Lyla. I asked, “How is she doing?”

  “She’ll be ready to wake up tomorrow afternoon, before we get to Charlie’s.”

  “I should be happier about that.”

  “You afraid she is going to see too much that you won’t be able to explain away?”

  “I’m afraid she already has, and it’s only her good nature and our friendship that is keeping her from telling the whole Commonwealth way more than we want them to know.”

  “She’s kept your secrets so far. Why would things change now?”

  “That’s a good point. Thanks for keeping me on the right path.”

  “Did you come find me for a reason, Boss?”

  “Yes. I need you to wake me every four hours, until those Squirrel courses are finished, or we make Charlie’s.”

  “You’re expecting trouble when we get back?”

  “I don’t think I can afford to expect there won’t be trouble when we get back.”

  “You sound like you think we’re going to jump into the middle of a battle, when we get there.”

  “That’s a possibility that I want to be prepared for. I hope that’s not what happens, but I need to be as ready as I can, just in case.”

  “Well, there are only three of the Squirrel courses, just like the Commonwealth ones, so you should have plenty of time, even if I don’t get you up in the middle of the night.”

  “I know, but I’d rather give them time to sink in, before I try to use them.”

  “You are worried, Boss.”

  “My wife, my pregnant wife, is in that system. The Squirrels will not get to her, if I have to kamikaze them. Are we clear?”

  “Crystal, Boss.” I went and caught a nap, before my next training session. The next thing I knew, Julie was saying, “Wake up, Boss. It’s party time.” I did my training, and grabbed a ration bar. Then I went to bed. I wouldn’t recommend it, after taking a Squirrel course. Dreaming that you are a Squirrel is not the best experience. Luckily, Julie woke me before the lady Squirrel had her way with me. Another course, another ration bar, back to bed. At least, this time all my dreams were about tactics. Julie woke me with a cheery, “C’mon, Boss. This is the last one. Let’s get it over with.” Once more around the mulberry bush, and I was home free. I was worn out from the training, but I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore, so I went to the galley. Luckily, Rhonda had taken pity on me, and started some coffee. I got a cup and sat down. Rhonda said, “How do you do this training schedule, Boss? I’m worn out, and I’m a kid.”

  “Bullheadedness, mostly. Too stubborn to give in. At least I’m done. How many more do you have?”

  “Two more, before I’ll be where Zoom says I should be, before I take the piloting course.”

  “So, all you have to do is stick with the schedule, and you’ll be ready to learn to fly when we get back. That wasn’t so terrible, was it?”

/>   “I guess not. You don’t have to be so cheerful about it, you know.”

  “What fun is winning, if I don’t get to gloat?”

  “Now I understand why all the grownups call you that other name.”

  “The one with an ‘A’?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “Soon enough, you’ll be doing it too. Look on the bright side. You could be having to do this on Commonwealth ration bars.”

  “Those are nasty, even if they had all the nutrition that you need.” We talked for a bit, and we cleaned up. Then I headed for the cockpit. Ace said, “Welcome back to the land of the living, Boss. You put in a bunch of hours on that. Are you okay?”

  “As much as I ever was. How are things with you?”

  “Cruising right along. All of Scotti’s improvements sure do speed up these long trips.”

  “She’s a wonder, all right. I just can’t understand why the Navy didn’t use her talents.”

  “They just didn’t think bots should be allowed to think, or at least not enough of them. Heck, they didn’t even believe junior officers should be allowed to think. You saw what they did to the training courses.”

  “I see what you mean. The senior officers had a sweet deal, and they didn’t want anything upsetting their applecart.”

  “Right on, Boss. It was a peacetime Navy, the only way for them to get promoted was if somebody retired or died. The best they could do was hang on to what they had.”

  “I can kind of see where they were coming from, but it’s still a foreign concept to me.”

  “I wouldn’t waste too much time thinking on it, Boss. It’s not like one of them is going to show up and quiz you on it.”

  “Ace, I wish I could believe that, but I’ve already seen weirder things.”

  “Murphy is our shepherd, Boss.”

  “That he is.” I went to the cargo bay, to see if anything was happening there. Ozzie was sitting alone, lost in a problem. I sat beside him and waited. After a few minutes, he asked, “Could I help you with something, Boss?”

  “No, not really. Just passing the time till we come out at Charlie’s. What are you working on?”

  “The smaller power cores all have a glitch I don’t understand. I was running sims, trying to figure out what I was missing.”

  “Any luck?”

  “Nope, but I know four or five things that don’t cause it.”

  “That’s progress, all the same. How many more possibilities do you have to check?”

  “That’s the part that has me confused, Boss. As near as I can tell, I’ve checked everything that could be causing it.”

  “Sounds to me like you’re about to learn something.”

  “How do you mean, Boss?”

  “Well, if nothing you know could be causing it, it must be something you don’t know.”

  “Boss, you sure know how to scare a bot.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “You’re implying that I am about to find out something about physics that we don’t already know.”

  “I suppose I am, so what?”

  “Doesn’t that mean that everything we think we know is wrong?”

  “Not at all. We wouldn’t use the physics that we use, unless it was a good approximation to reality. You may have found a place where it doesn’t fit as well as we might like. That doesn’t mean it quit fitting everywhere else, it just means that you’ve found a way to understand things the old way couldn’t.”

  “What you’re saying is, things that work, will still work, but there may be new things we can do, that we couldn’t before?”

  “Yep. Stay with trying to figure it out. Who knows what you might come up with.” He went back into his trance, and I went looking for someone else to talk to. Julie saw me and came over. “The ‘doc says it’s ready to wake up Lyla. How do you want to proceed?”

  “Have you found her some clean clothes to put on?”

  “I got some out of her saucer.”

  “Do we have a blanket to cover her when she wakes up?”

  “Yes.”

  “Let’s get it done, then.”

  We went in, and Julie started the box waking her. I held the blanket, and put it over her when the box opened. As she came to, she recognized me, and said, “Hi, Bob. I messed up, didn’t I?”

  “So it would seem. I won’t be able to let you off so cheap this time, I’m afraid. We had to come a long way to get you.”

  “I’ve been making good money, thanks to you, it’s only fair. Did you already get ahold of Random, and Uncle Willum?”

  “We did. I spoke to your Uncle, he didn’t seem that surprised.”

  “I wouldn’t think so. He taught me nearly everything I know about learning things I shouldn’t.”

  “I can think of worse teachers. He is good at what he does. Let me guess. You heard about some of the Rottums not wanting to give up the feud, and decided to go see for yourself, with no backup.”

  “You make it sound so stupid, Bob.”

  “I wonder why that is, Lyla? You’re a known associate of mine, and I’m married to a Slongum. Gee, that’s bound to make you popular with Rottums who are too hard-core to give up the feud, don’t you think? Why shouldn’t you go rushing in without a plan? Surely Bob will ride to the rescue again, no biggie, right?”

  “I’m sorry, Bob. Did I do something to annoy you?”

  “I should be somewhere else, right now, watching over people who are depending on me, but I’m here, saving your cute little butt, because you couldn’t be bothered to keep yourself safe.”

  “You really think I have a cute butt?”

  “What difference does it make? I’m a married man. Get dressed, I’ll get you something going in the galley.”

  I went and got her some scrambled eggs and sausage started. The way I felt, I almost let her make do with cereal, but I remembered I would need her to keep quiet about Charlie’s. Once she was dressed, she came over and asked, “Why are you so uptight about being away from your people? Nikki isn’t ready to deliver yet, so it must be something else.”

  “Yes, it must. It’s also something that doesn’t need to be spread all over the galaxy, and here I am, carrying you straight into the middle of it. If I comp you the rescue, and the repairs on your saucer, do you think you could manage not to tell anybody where we are going, and what you may or may not see there?”

  “We’re in FTL, so you had to come a long way to get me. I know my saucer was in bad shape before I blacked out. That means this is serious, if you’re willing to let go of that kind of money. I may be a ruthless newshound, but you guys are my friends. Of course, I’ll keep quiet. Besides, Uncle Willum already told me he would not be amused if I revealed anything about your hidden operations.”

  “To a certain extent, his life depends on those operations staying hidden, so I can see how he would be concerned.”

  “So, I finally get to see this mysterious planet you’ve been keeping secret from me?”

  “I’m afraid so. I need to get back, so there wasn’t time to let you heal while we were still in Earth system.”

  “Why were you in Earth system?”

  “Dropping off your playmates, at the Patrol.”

  “Oh, I see. So, there isn’t going to be any more story there, is there?”

  “I wouldn’t think so.” We chatted some more, getting caught up, until Ace came over the speaker. “Captain, we’re thirty minutes from exiting FTL.”

  I left Lyla and went to the cockpit. She tried to follow, but Shorty blocked her way. “Sorry, Ma’am, this is my station.” He plugged in and went into a trance. We all waited, wondering what we would find when we came out of FTL. Finally, Ace said, “One minute to exit.” Shorty called, “There’s a Squirrel fleet in the system. Looks like our fleet is holding them off.”

  I said, “Ace, drop us as close to the Gene as you can, next to the landing bay, if you can manage it. Shorty, is there a way to use those beacon frequencies to send a message the other
way?”

  “I think I can make it work, Boss.”

  “Send, ‘Permission to come aboard, Mr. Topper.’ Sign it Boss.”

  “Sent. I’m receiving, ‘Sooner the better, Boss.’ That’s all they sent.” The next few seconds were a blur. We dropped out, right behind the Gene. Ace matched their velocity and took us aboard in nothing flat. I ran for the hatch, and into a transit. Gene gave me a priority so high, I could feel the acceleration. That made it difficult to input my attack orders into my watch. The transit spit me out, and I ran across to the bridge. Saucy hollered, “Commodore on the bridge.” I replied, “As you were. Report! My ship!”

  Topper said, “I stand relieved. The Squirrels jumped in, demanding we turn you over for trial, and surrender all our ships. Commodore Sloan informed them they were cordially invited to piss up a rope. The two fleets have taken positions ready for battle, but no shots have been fired.”

  Saucy, get me Dingus. “Commodore Sloan. Who is speaking, please?”

  “Dingus, I just got in. Do you want to command this engagement, or do you want me to take it?”

  “Hey, Bob. We saw you come aboard. Give Ace my compliments. Please take command, I don’t have a clue what to do.”

  “There’s a reason for that, but that’s a discussion for another time. If you haven’t already, tell the rest of the fleet that I am in command, and let’s get down to business.”

  “The message was sent as soon as you took command, Bob. What are your orders?”

  “Your helm and gunner should be receiving them now. I’ll explain when we don’t have a fleet staring us down.”

  The Squirrel courses I had taken included the weaknesses of Squirrel ships, that should be protected. Luckily for us, the Squirrels we were facing apparently hadn’t had that course, because they had left themselves open to attack. My fleet did a synchronized jump, followed by one shot from each ship, disabling each of the Squirrel ships. I said, “Saucy, get me the HRIC.”

  “HRIC, Boss?”

  “Head Rodent In Charge”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Topper, do we still have prisoners?”

  “Yes, Boss. I haven’t had a chance to get rid of them.”

  Saucy said, “On screen, Boss.”