Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  A Squirrel, who obviously had a high opinion of himself, appeared. “What is the meaning of this? I have given you our demands! You will give us Bob Wilson for trial, and turn over those ships, NOW!”

  I replied, “I am Bob Wilson, and I am not going anywhere with you, now or in the future. You are in no position to ‘demand’ a thing, since your ships can’t even maneuver any more. You have TWO, and only two choices. You can patch your ships, and get out of my sky to stay, or I can give you a front-row seat to an ass-kicking. I’m waiting.” Sue said, “Boss, they are turning with their maneuvering jets, and charging their mains.”

  I said, “Ruth, give Tex whatever firing angle he would like. Tex, put a hole where their mains used to be.” I felt us jump, and then I saw an impact on the Squirrel ship. Tex managed some really nice secondary explosions. I asked, “Was that their capacitor bank?”

  Tex said, “Yes, Boss. Like the show?”

  “Nicely done. Do you suppose we have his attention yet?” Some of the cussing from the screen was coming through as Squirrel, apparently he was using words the translator hadn’t figured out yet. I said, “Are you through complaining about how unfair it is, or should I give you a few more minutes for your tantrum?”

  “You infamous monkey! How dare you! I will see you killed!”

  “You’ll see your command killed, if you don’t calm down and see reason.”

  He continued sputtering incoherently, and I noticed someone in officer’s uniform moving behind him. Being stunned that I could actually tell their uniforms apart now, I didn’t notice what the fellow was doing, until the guy I had been talking to grabbed his chest and collapsed. The new guy cleaned his knife on the first guy’s uniform and put it away. He said, “Hello. Commodore, isn’t it? My name is Snappi Dressi. I believe you know my Uncle Natti?”

  “Pardon me if I’m impertinent, but I would have thought your Uncle would have warned your folks about that name, having been to Earth.”

  “He proposed it as a joke, and my parents took him seriously. This being the first time I’ve had dealings with anyone from Earth, up until now it hasn’t been a problem.”

  “I see. And congratulations on your promotion.”

  “My…? Oh, I see what you mean. He was going to get us all killed. Better him than all of us. Does your offer of ‘Patching our ships and getting out of your sky’ still stand?”

  “Yes, but I am going to have to ask you a favor in return.”

  “My Uncle says you are a tough negotiator. That means something, coming from him. I tremble at what you are about to ask.”

  “I have three shiploads of prisoners, and their ships. I’d rather not have to take them to Oak myself. Your people seem to get upset when I show up in orbit there. Would you mind taking them with you when you go?”

  “I think that is something I can do. Will there be any other conditions?”

  I thought for a moment. “I think maybe one more thing. I believe I will require each ship to take a hundred pounds of walnuts, as payment for your trouble here.” I’ll never get tired of seeing Squirrels lose their composure. “Pardon, I think the translator glitched. Did you say a hundred pounds?”

  “Indeed, I did. Are you trying to bargain for more? I didn’t think I had inconvenienced you that much.”

  “No, not at all. Thank you for your generosity, Commodore Wilson.”

  “If you could, see to it they are consumed before you reach port. I’d hate to put you into competition with your Uncle.”

  “I’ll do what I can, Sir. I think you know my Uncle can handle the competition.”

  “He did strike me as a skillful businessman.”

  “I’m afraid his description of you was more colorful.”

  “Good to know I made an impression. Do you have a private comm channel? I have some information you might find useful.”

  “I have a private comm, yes, but unless you have access to one of our comms, I don’t see how that would help you.”

  “Ask your cousins, the next time you see them. I’m sure they can explain it to you.”

  He looked confused but seemed to take my word for it. I said, “Let us know when your ships are ready to go, and we’ll send over the prisoners and the walnuts. Anyone trying to power a weapon will wish they hadn’t.”

  “Understood. Speak with you soon, Commodore.”

  “And you.” Saucy cut the connection. I said, “Page Tikki to the bridge, please.”

  Topper replied, “She’s on her way, Boss. What are you sending him?”

  “The names of the courses he should be studying if he wants to be an officer.”

  Topper asked, “Could you come over that again, for us slow kids?”

  “The courses labeled as officer training are put there to slow down junior officers trying to rise through the ranks. The real courses are hidden.”

  “How did you figure that out, Boss?”

  “Bone helped me find the real courses for the Commonwealth, and I got to wondering if maybe the Squirrels did the same thing.”

  “That’s how you knew exactly where to hit those ships to put them out of commission, isn’t it?”

  “Give that bot a C-gar. He’s not as dumb as he looks.” Tikki came onto the bridge, out of breath. “Yes, Boss, huh, huh, what did you need?”

  “Just need you to text a young man for me. Cousin to that fellow you were chatting up the other day.”

  “What do you need me to tell him?”

  “How to jumpstart his career.”

  “Okay, Boss, you’ve got me interested. Let’s see what you’ve got.” I showed her Snappi’s address and told her what to tell him. She punched it all in, and got a response of ‘Tell the Commodore, thank you very much’. Then she asked, “Do you need anything else, Boss?”

  “Has Shorty briefed you and Scotti about what he found out about sensors while we were gone?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Find his tin heinie and get the story out of him. It’s something we need to be looking into. When you’re done with that, find Ozzie, and see if you can help him with what he’s looking at.”

  “On it, Boss. Oh, and thank you for not blowing these folks out of the sky, even though they acted like they wanted you to.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m trying to establish friendly relations, but they don’t seem to have any interest.”

  “You’ll get there, I have faith. Later, Boss.”

  “Later, Tikki. Thanks.” I turned toward the sensor station. “Sue, are our guests behaving themselves?”

  “I think you got their attention when you punched out the one ship’s mains, before she even got a shot off. They’re working on their drives, and not putting any power at all on weapon circuits.”

  “Tell me immediately if that changes. Better yet, tell Ruth and Tex, and then tell me.”

  “Boss, do I understand you correctly? You want me to initiate action, and then inform you?”

  “Would you rather wait around for a slow organic to get up to speed, and maybe give those idiots a chance to get a shot off, and hurt somebody?”

  “When you put it like that, I see your point, Boss. Keep the ship safe first, and then worry about proper procedure?”

  “Exactly. Good work, Sue.”

  “Thanks, Boss.” I said, “Saucy, set me up a conference call with all the Captains, as secure as you can.”

  Images came up on the screen, including some bots I didn’t recognize. More or less in unison, they said, “Hello, Commodore.”

  I replied, “Hello. I see a few new faces, but I’m sure you wouldn’t be here, if you didn’t have the skills. I learned something moderately important while I was away, and I wanted to share it with you. The mechanical among you will be able to use it immediately, while we slow organics will take longer. The command courses, both Commonwealth and Squirrel, are sabotaged. I will send you a list of the courses you should actually pay attention to. It seems that Admirals don’t like competition, regardless of
their species. That’s all I have right now, are there any questions?”

  One of the bots I didn’t recognize asked, “Boss, how were you able to jump in so close to the Gene?”

  “Shorty was studying the idea of seeing normal space from FTL, with sensor readings. He has made some progress, as you saw. I have high hopes, now that Scotti and Tikki are helping him.”

  Another of the bots asked, “How did you know where to hit the Squirrel ships to disable them?”

  “You will too, when you take the proper Squirrel course. It covers the vulnerable spots on the Squirrel ships, and how to maneuver to protect them. The folks flying our opponents today haven’t taken that course, apparently.”

  The link stayed quiet for a bit. I said, “Thank you for your time. I’ll let you get back to your ships, now.”

  When the conference died, Saucy said, “Captain Sloan would like to talk to you, Commodore.”

  “Route it to my ready room and tell him I will be with him shortly. Topper, you have the ship. If one of those idiots tries to charge a weapon, make the weapon go away, and inform Captain Dressi that each ship’s allotment of walnuts just dropped to fifty pounds.”

  “My ship, aye. No weapons to be charged, understood.” I walked across to the ready room. As I entered, I said, “Gene, tile the lodge.”

  “Yes, Boss. Would you like me to stay?”

  “Yes, please. Record, if you would.”

  “Yes, Boss.” I sat in front of the screen, and asked, “How bad did I screw up, Dingus?”

  “Screw up? What are you smoking? You did great!”

  “I got lucky. If Natti’s nephew wasn’t there to take charge, we would have had to fight these ships. None of us but the Gene have all our guns working yet, do we?”

  “The crews worked wonders while we were in FTL, but there’s still a lot that needs to be done. You’re right, it’s not a fleet I would take to battle if I had a choice. I’m not your wife’s favorite person right now, by the way.”

  “You managed to keep her on the planet? Thank you, Dingus!”

  “I did, but it was a near thing. I had to tell her that you would call me out, if I let her be part of the battle.”

  “She didn’t want to see either of us get hurt, so she gave in?”

  “That’s pretty much it. The next time we play paintball, she’s going to paint me right up.”

  “You’ll live. Anything else I need to know?”

  “Scotti and Zoom are mad as hornets at Rhonda, for stowing away.”

  “That’s understandable. I did get her to do the courses they were trying to get her to take, maybe that will help a little.”

  “More than a little. They figured she would con you into letting her take the pilot course, without the prerequisites.”

  “She tried, but I smelled a rat before she got it done. She failed to be happy about that.”

  “I bet she did. Then you got her to go ahead and do the other courses?”

  “I did. Anyway, she was griping about how tired she was, I didn’t actually take the time to check up on her.”

  “Scotti will, before she takes the pilot course.”

  “Mike and Tina had come and gone before you got here?”

  “They had. Nikki said they seemed satisfied. Of course, she didn’t take them to the mainland.”

  “That’s my wife. Always thinking.”

  “We haven’t heard any more out of Phonelia. Not even Will.”

  “When we get some ships in good shape, we’ll send someone out that way to check on her. Right now, we have too much going on to do anything about it.”

  “Yes, we do. I just thought you should know she had broken her pattern.”

  “Thanks for telling me. I was nearly out of things to worry about. Any word from Steve?”

  “They got the colonists rounded up. From the sound of it, it was quite the rodeo. The last I heard from him, he was going to FTL, headed for the old training planet.”

  “I hope that’s as abandoned as the bots think it is.”

  “Steve’s good help, he’ll deal with what he finds.”

  “Unless you have something else pressing, I better get back to the bridge before another one of those captains gets uppity.”

  “Go ahead, we’ll talk later.”

  “Later, then.” I was getting up to go back to the bridge, when Gene said, “Captain Branham for you, Boss.”

  “Is the lodge still tiled?”

  “It is, Boss.”

  “Put him through.”

  “Hey, Commodore. Good to see you back.”

  “Are you sure you don’t mean it was good to see the back of me?”

  “Are you kidding? We were all having cats when the Squirrels showed up. You come flying in and save the day.”

  “Bone showed me where to look for the good training. No biggie.”

  “The way I heard it, you jumped from that to, ‘Gee, I bet the Squirrels did the same thing’, and that was how you were able to stop them so easily.”

  “I suppose. How were things while I was gone?”

  “Well, we were on our own in FTL, so that wasn’t anything too exciting, except for trying to get as much fixed as we could, without being able to go outside. Our drives haven’t had the full Scotti treatment yet, so we didn’t get here as soon as Dingus and the Gene. Matter of fact, we only came out of FTL this morning, so not much to report, really.”

  “I know you have something to say, or you wouldn’t have called. Spit it out.”

  “Jane wanted me to thank you for making me take a command and face my fears.”

  “I wish I could take credit for that, but circumstances forced my hand. I knew you had problems with the idea, but I didn’t know what. I just needed good leaders, and I knew you could do that.”

  “Any way you want to weasel out of the responsibility is fine, Bob, but I still have to thank you for giving me the push I needed.”

  “You’re welcome. Just tell me when you’re ready to take over. There’s no need for mutiny.”

  “You’re not getting out of the big chair that easily, Bob.”

  “Aw, Mom!”

  “Eat your peas and carrots, young man.”

  “You want me to eat every carrot and pea on my plate?”

  “It’s good to have you back, Bob.”

  “Good to be back, John. I better go act like I’m in charge. Topper is getting too used to the big chair.”

  “Later, Bob.”

  “Later, John.” I headed back to the bridge, half expecting Gene to tell me one of the other Captains was calling. Saucy called out, “Commodore on the bridge.” I replied, “As you were. Mr. Topper, how goes our little corner of the galaxy?”

  “The Squirrels have behaved themselves so far. No one else has shown up for the party.”

  I asked, “Sue, you are scanning to make sure that the Squirrels don’t have any shy friends, aren’t you?”

  “I’m scanning for everything I know of to scan, Boss. If you have some new knowledge you would care to share, I’ll add it to what I’m looking for.” I thought a minute, and looked something up on my watch. When I found what I was thinking of, I sent it to her. “Try that.”

  “Boss, you’re sneaky. I like working for you.”

  She tinkered a minute, and said, “You have the magic touch, Boss. I found one.”

  “Just the one?”

  “The scan hasn’t finished, but that’s all, so far.”

  “Topper, do we have any ships that aren’t actively watching a Squirrel, that also have functional weapons?”

  “Yes, Boss. There are a couple of destroyers.”

  “Saucy, get me one of those Captains on the screen, please.”

  A bot came on screen, saying, “Yes, Commodore?”

  “I’m still Boss. I need you to come watch the ship we are guarding. We have some other business to take care of.”

  “On it, Boss.” The destroyer jumped in, not far from us. The screen came back on. “On station, B
oss.”

  “Nicely done. Don’t shoot unless they need it, I’d hate to harm Captain Dressi’s nephew.”

  “Understood.” Saucy cut the connection. I said, “Ruth, Tex, give these folks a warm welcome, please. Saucy, tell Andre we have business for him, if you would.” We were already jumping by the time Tex and Ruth got out, “Yes, Boss.” As we came out, Saucy said, “Andre reports ready for boarding operations, Boss.”

  Sue said, “All hostiles down, Boss. None of them look resistant.”

  I said, “Saucy, tell Andre to launch.”

  “Marines away, Boss.”

  “Topper, is Black Beauty ready to launch?”

  “No, Boss. I got them spaceborne as soon as the Squirrels showed up. They are checking the new ship now.”

  “Nicely done, Topper. Remind me to double your pay.”

  “Twice nothing still isn’t much, Boss.”

  Saucy put Willum on the speaker. “Delicious, this one’s clean. They don’t even have a charge aboard.”

  “Thanks. Did you get to talk to Lyla, yet?”

  “I did. Thanks for saving her, again.”

  “All part of the service. Do you think you can convince her to keep quiet about the Starfoot?”

  “After all she did to get them freed from slavery in the Commonwealth, I don’t think that will be a problem.”

  “Good deal. Are you finding anything else out there we need to be aware of?”

  “Haven’t seen anything so far, but your new girl, Sue, sent us some new things to look for.”

  “Keep after it, then. Talk to you later.”

  “Later, Bob.” I turned to the sensor station. “Good work, Sue. I should have thought of that.”

  “You did say to protect the ship first, Boss.”

  “That I did.”

  Saucy said, “Ace reports the enemy ship is secure aboard, Boss. Scotti reports this one is a newer model, and she may be able to learn something from it. Captain Dressi would like a word, at your convenience.”

  “Put him on, Saucy.”

  “Commodore, I was wondering what the excitement was about?”

  “You mean you weren’t aware your fleet was being shadowed by a spy ship?”

  “No, Commodore, I was not. I would ask our Commodore, but I am afraid he isn’t very responsive.”