How to Properly Dispose of Planet Earth

by Paul Noth

  Quarter plus egg equals … what?

  Ms. Prince had stopped talking. Kids moved about the classroom.

  I stared at the coin, turning it over in my hand—a state quarter with picture of a sailboat and the words “Rhode Island” on the back.

  Easter boat? No. Twenty-five-cent egg? No. Chocolate George Washington? No. Time flies like an arrow? No, time flies love an arrow. I wondered if Alphonso the bee had ever met the time flies.

  “Howdy, lab partner,” said a country-western accent.

  Nev Everly dropped down into the seat next to mine.

  “So,” she said, “what’s the plan for our big science project?”

  “Fruit flies like a banana,” I said.

  “Hmm …,” said Nev. “Well, I suppose they would. They are fruit flies, and a banana’s fruit. I don’t think we’re going win any Nobel Prizes with that one, Happy.”

  She looked down at the doodads on my desk.

  “What’s that stuff for?”

  “Oh, this?” I said. “It’s like a riddle. Want to help me solve it?”

  She scowled and smiled at the same time.

  “Okay, buddy,” she said. “What’s the riddle?”

  I slid the Easter egg and the quarter toward her.

  “Gross,” she said. “Is that from last Easter?”

  “These two things are like a crossword clue for something,” I said. “The quarter, plus the egg equals … what?”

  She picked up the quarter and examined it.

  She frowned down at the Easter egg without picking it up. Then she looked back at the quarter.

  “Huh,” she said. “Maybe Easter Island?”

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “You know, Easter Island. It’s in the South Pacific. It’s got all those big heads on it with long faces?”

  “I’ve never heard of it,” I said.

  “I’m sure you’ve seen pictures,” she said. “Hold on …”

  She took out her phone and tapped something into an image search.

  “Easter Island …,” I said, stroking my beard.

  Nev glanced up at me from her phone. Her eyes grew wide.

  She leaned in really close to me.

  “Holy geez,” she whispered. “It’s longer. That thing is actually growing from your face.”

  “I told you,” I said, laughing at her amazement.

  “I can’t believe that’s real,” she said.

  She lifted her hand.

  “Sorry,” she said, “but do you mind if I …?”

  “Nah,” I said. “Go ahead.”

  “Wicked,” she said, running her fingers along my cheek. “It grows that fast?”

  “Yeah,” I said, feeling a little self-conscious. “But I usually shave it.”

  “Why?”

  “’Cause if I don’t, you know, it weirds everybody out.” I glanced back at Willow, Lacy, and Paisley. They weren’t laughing now, but staring in openmouthed astonishment at the sight of Nev Everly touching my beard.

  From somewhere out the window, I heard distant sirens.

  “You shouldn’t shave this,” said Nev.

  “I have to,” I said. “Otherwise I’ll look like Rip van Winkle.”

  “You should trim it, not shave it,” she said. “If it was a little longer than this, that would look so righteous. Do you have a beard trimmer?”

  “No,” I said.

  “You can get good ones really cheap,” she said. “I see them all the time in the thrift stores.”

  “Is that where you get your clothes?” I said.

  “Yeah,” she said. “Or vintage stuff from online. I don’t wear anything new.”

  “Why not?”

  “All the good stuff’s from the past.”

  The sirens had grown so loud kids were getting up to look out the windows.

  “Okay,” said Ms. Prince. “Everyone get back in your seats.”

  No one listened. Outside two squad cars and two black SUVs screeched up onto Carnegie Avenue.

  I knew those SUVs.

  “That’s a lot of cops,” said Nev.

  “It’s the FBI,” I said.

  “Why do you say that?” she asked.

  I wondered how they’d found out. Had Kayla told them? That seemed unlikely. The agents getting out of the first SUV all wore suits, the ones from the second wore blue windbreakers with the letters “FBI” printed in yellow.

  “Whoa,” said Nev. “You’re right. Los Federales!”

  Among the FBI in suits, I spotted an agent half as tall as all the others. Good old Detective Frank Segar. Now I knew they had come for me.

  Or … maybe they hadn’t. Instead of moving in on our building, they headed across the street, toward Central High.

  Kids made the ooh sound kids make when somebody else is in trouble. I thought about Eliza and Beth.

  “How did you know it was the FBI?” said Nev.

  “That’s a long story,” I said.

  “Well, supposin’ you tell it, boy!” Nev, slipping back into the country-western accent, made me laugh.

  Hadn’t she been about to show me something on her phone?

  A blaring noise, louder than the sirens, came from the PA speaker at the front of the classroom. Bung-bong-bung went the chimes, followed by the voice of Principal Kellogg.

  “Attention, students. Attention, students,” said the voice. “Would Happy Conklin please report to the office. Happy Conklin to the office, please.”

  “Ooh,” went the kids. Everyone stared at me.

  “Okay, stop that,” said Ms. Prince. “Happy, you’re excused.”

  I sat there trying to remember what I had been trying to remember.

  “Easter Island,” I whispered to Nev. “Did you find a picture?”

  Nev held her phone below the desktop, so Ms. Prince wouldn’t see she had it out in class. She unlocked the screen with her thumb.

  “Get moving, Happy,” said Ms. Prince. “Or should I call someone to escort you down?”

  “Ooh,” went the class.

  But I had no attention for anything beyond the image on Nev’s phone.

  In a blue ocean, on a green island, stood many enormous black sculptures of heads. And each face looked just like the Galactic Emperor’s.

  CHAPTER 16

  THE HOT SEAT

  I sat paralyzed, until I heard Ms. Prince say something about calling for a security guard to escort me.

  “I’m going,” I said, gathering my stuff into my backpack.

  “Thanks,” I said to Nev.

  “Sure,” she said. “Good luck?”

  Kids continued to “ooh” as I walked toward the door. Felix stared up at me, shaking his head.

  Out in the hallway, I didn’t make it ten yards before I had to lean against a wall of lockers to keep from falling over as the full weight of my doom sunk in.

  What had Squeep! been so desperate to tell me? That I was a fugitive from the Galactic Empire. Not only were they hunting me through the Doorganizer, but they also knew about Earth. They’d been here! So even if we figured out some way to stop the black hole, they’d find me eventually. And they wouldn’t think twice about obliterating our entire solar system just to kill me … and Grandma.

  Wanting to kill her, that I understood. Grandma was trying to overthrow the Emperor and take his place as ruler of the galaxy.

  But what had I ever done to him?

  “Hey, bubba!” said a gruff voice. A school security guard walked toward me. “Aren’t you supposed to be headed for the office?”

  It was the older, white-bearded guard. The one all the kids called “Santa Claus” behind his back.

  “I’m going,” I said. “I just need a second.”

  “Get moving, bubba,” he said.

  “Okay, okay.”

  I started toward the stairs.

  Santa Claus followed me down two flights and across the first floor to the school office. Along the way, I tried to formulate some sort of brilliant plan
. But all I could think of was to keep squeezing my backpack so I’d know if Squeep! reappeared inside.

  Where is he? I kept thinking. And where’s Kayla?

  As I entered the outer office, the secretaries hushed each other and looked at me.

  I glanced at the closed door that read “Principal Kellogg.”

  In one of the waiting chairs along the wall, known as the “hot seats,” sat the biggest kid in the school—not Dimitrius but the even larger eighth-grade football player Kenny “Moose-O” Caruso. He and the team had all worn their jerseys today, which meant they had a game this afternoon, if there still was any such thing as “this afternoon.”

  Sorry, sports fans, but today’s game has been called on account of the Earth vanishing like a dust bunny up a vacuum cleaner.

  “He’s here,” a secretary said into her phone. “Yes, uh-huh.”

  A moment later, the door opened.

  “You,” said Principal Kellogg, pointing at me. “Get in here.”

  I had never been in her office before. The first thing I noticed was the PA system microphone on an old-fashioned switchboard of lights and toggles. A small trio of chimes sat in front of it. What I had always assumed to be a digital sound effect had actually been the principal herself hitting three xylophone pieces with a little wooden mallet. Weird.

  Turning into the room, I saw something far stranger.

  Dimitrius, a fresh white bandage on his forehead, stood behind the principal’s desk. Before I could even try to make sense of this, I looked down and saw my sister Alice sitting in the principal’s chair, her hands folded in front of her on the desk and—most disturbing of all—a big flashing smile pressed across her face.

  “Eee-yipe,” I said.

  “Happy, dear brother.” Alice grinned. “Come. Come and have a seat.”

  She gestured at the chair across the desk from her.

  I looked from Alice to Principal Kellogg.

  “Oh, Ms. Kellogg,” said Alice. “We’ll need the room a moment. Come back in five.”

  “Look, Alice,” said the principal. “I think this has gone too far. You know I need to—”

  “Ms. Kellogg, please,” said Alice. “Don’t make this difficult. I would hate to have to make my own announcement over the PA system.”

  “No!” said the principal, her face flushing a deep, cloudy red. “You wouldn’t … You …”

  “We’ll only be a moment,” said Alice.

  A lost look came into Principal Kellogg’s eyes as she turned around and walked out of her own office, shutting the door behind her.

  “Come, Hap, sit,” said Alice, still grinning insanely. “Can Dimitrius get you a soda or a juice or something?”

  Dimitrius stared down at me with murder in his eyes.

  “No, I’m good,” I said.

  “Well, just let me know,” said Alice, smiling. “Anything you want. Anything for family. We are family, brother. Never forget it. We’re on the same team. We’ve fought the same fights. We should be working together here. That’s what Kayla doesn’t understand. I only want what’s best for everyone. What’s best for you, what’s best for me, what’s best for the lizard.”

  “You know the FBI’s here?” I said.

  “No, they’re across the street,” said Alice. “That situation is contained at the high school. It doesn’t concern us. That’s between Beth and the FBI.”

  “Beth?” I said. “What happened to Beth?”

  “She’s fine,” said Alice. “We’re not here to talk about Beth.”

  “Did she have a Night-Morph at school?”

  “I said we’re not here to TALK ABOUT BETH!” Alice slammed her fists onto the principal’s desk. I had never seen such madness in her face before. I had to get out of there.

  Just agree to whatever she says, I thought, and then run.

  Crazy-eyed, Alice took deep breaths and, by degrees, the smile crept back onto her face.

  “Now, you found something,” she said. “It belongs to me, but you did find it. And I’ll show my appreciation for that with a big reward for you. We’ll go into my closet together, and you can take as much as you want of whatever you want. I think that’s more than fair, Hap.”

  “Okay!” I said. “Absolutely.”

  “Don’t give me ‘absolutely,’ ” she said. “I don’t want ‘absolutely.’ I want the lizard! And I want him right now.”

  “Sure,” I said. “I just need to go to my locker to get him.”

  “Nice try,” said Alice. “But we’ve already searched your locker.”

  “Well, of course, he’s not in my locker,” I said. “But I have to be at my locker to, you know, summon him up from the Doorganizer.”

  Alice stared at me.

  “Dimitrius,” said Alice, “would you and Moose-O Caruso please escort my brother to his locker?”

  “Moose-O?” I said.

  “These two will be your chaperones until I have the lizard,” said Alice. “And I will have him, Happy. I’ve got all the security guards hunting for him now, all the janitors, and the football team. I will have the lizard. The only question is you. Will you be rewarded? Or will you get hurt? And since you’re my brother, I’d really hate to see you get hurt.”

  CHAPTER 17

  MY BIG SUPERPOWER

  They marched me out of the office like a prisoner, Dimitrius on my left, Moose-O Caruso on my right.

  I scrambled to think of an escape plan. What clever lie could I tell them? What tricky diversion? What fancy dance move?

  But when I looked up at the hallway clock, I saw that the time for scheming was over. It was 10:13.

  Time flies like an arrow, crossed my thoughts, and so should you.

  The only possible plan was to run faster than they could.

  To turn and sprint.

  And since there were no other options, I had to stop thinking about it and just go ahead and—

  The moment I took off, I felt one of their grasping fingers slip across the back of my shirt. I pushed on harder, bursting through the stairwell doors, climbing, forcing every bit of my will into the same singular idea of:

  Faster! Faster! Faster!

  Yet, as big as they were, the football players overtook me.

  Halfway up the second flight, Dimitrius caught hold of my wrist and yanked me backward, twisting my arm into some pretzel hold that turned my legs limp and fogged my vision with tears.

  Dimitrius struck me in the head—an open-handed blow, but so powerful I saw a flash of blackness and went reeling around in a daze.

  Moose-O found my pain hilarious.

  “Haw-haw-haw,” he laughed over me.

  I recalled hearing somewhere that Moose-O had inflicted so many football injuries they named a wing of Children’s Hospital after him.

  Probably just a rumor.

  “Haw-haw! Hold up.” He laughed. “Hold up. Let me do one.”

  Moose-O wheeled way back and swung his limp, pot-roast-size hand into the side of my head.

  Each finger felt like a tire iron. This time the flash of blackness glittered with stars as my stomach opened vomit negotiations with my throat.

  For a moment, I thought I’d gone deaf. Then sound returned in the form of those two idiots laughing their heads off over me.

  “We should get moving,” laughed Dimitrius.

  “Aw come on,” said Moose-O. “Just a couple more.”

  “Well,” said Dimitrius, “okay, but just a couple more.”

  “No more,” I wheezed. “No more, please.”

  “Excuse me,” said a girl, skipping past us up the stairs along our right.

  I was so punch-drunk that Dimitrius recognized Kayla before I did.

  “That’s HER!” he bellowed. “Get that one! Get her!”

  Moose-O sprang like a prehistoric beast.

  Up the stairs he flew, arms wheeling, overtaking my sister in two leaping strides. Kayla, to my surprise, fell into a crouching ball and rolled backward down the steps. Moose-O lunged down f
or her so hard that his face cracked the banister in half.

  His head bounced off it like a bowling ball, swinging his huge body backward, tipping the whole heap of him over, straight at us.

  Dimitrius dove left.

  I stood frozen, watching Kayla spring up backward, both her feet kicking into the falling flank of Moose-O, pushing the trajectory of his mass a few inches to the right so that he plowed straight into the diving Dimitrius. The two giants rolled down the steps in a wildly kicking pile of limbs.

  “Move,” said Kayla, grabbing hold of my wrist.

  We ran up the next flight and into the second-floor hallway, where Kayla pulled me into an empty art room.

  “Your shaving cream and your razor,” she said. “Hurry!”

  “Where the heck have you been?” I said.

  “I had to run back to Acorn Lane for something,” she said, opening her yellow backpack. “Quick, give me your razor.”

  “To the elementary school?” I said, unzipping the outside pocket of my bag. “Why’d you— Holy cow! You found him! You found—”

  But then I realized the lizard she had taken from her backpack wasn’t Squeep! This lizard wore green glasses and had a mustache.

  “That’s Florida Pete!” I said.

  “Shh! Yeah. Now give me your razor. We have to shave him so Alice thinks he’s Squeep!”

  “You can’t shave a mustache that thick with a razor,” I said. “You need to start with …”

  Scanning the room, I dashed over and grabbed a pair of art scissors out of the wooden rack. Then I ran back, crouched down beside Kayla, and began snipping away at Pete’s mustache.

  “Am I supposed to understand why we’re doing this?” I said.

  “Squeep!’s afraid of Alice,” said Kayla. “I think that’s why he’s staying away. If we convince her she’s already caught him, it will be safe for the real Squeep! to come back. Then he’ll help us stop the black hole.”

  “Is that your real plan, Kayla?” I said. “Or just the one that I’m supposed to believe?”

  “Hey, it will get Alice off your back too,” she said. “You need to be in your 10:50 music class. That’s the most important thing. We can’t have Alice interfering with that.”