How to Properly Dispose of Planet Earth

by Paul Noth

  “Yeah, but a decoy lizard?” I said, still snipping away at Pete’s mustache. “Why can’t you just convince Alice of the truth?”

  “You saw her. When she’s like this, the only way to tell her the truth is to lie to her, and the only way to lie to her is to tell her the truth.”

  Kayla took the green Perfect-O-Specs glasses off Florida Pete and folded them into her pants pocket.

  “Won’t he turn back into Pete the wrestler without those?” I asked.

  “Not if the world ends in forty minutes,” said Kayla.

  Having trimmed Pete’s mustache down to stubble, I reached into the pocket of my backpack for the shaving cream and razor.

  I glimpsed the doodads inside.

  “Hey, Kayla,” I said as I applied a careful bracket of shaving cream below Pete’s nose and around his mouth. “I figured out something that Squeep! tried to tell me earlier. Do you know about Easter Island?”

  “Yeah,” she said glumly. “The Galactic Empire visited it nine hundred and thirty-one years ago.”

  “So you knew that?” I said. “That they know about Earth.”

  “Sure,” she said. “But we’ve never been important to them. We’re too primitive. Our solar system’s just a backwater to the Empire. Or, at least, we were up until now … I guess Grandma must have started her war.”

  “But I didn’t start any wars!” I said. “Why are they after me? Why’s my face on that flyer too?”

  “I don’t know,” said Kayla. “I can’t see across the whole galaxy. Although … you were Grandma’s partner up there.”

  “For one wrestling match,” I said. “They’re going to vaporize us all because of one stupid wrestling match?”

  “Let’s just stop the black hole,” said Kayla. “After that we can worry about the Galactic Empire. You almost done?”

  “Yeah,” I said, giving Pete one final stroke with the razor.

  Kayla examined his face while I wiped off the extra shaving cream.

  “You are good at that,” she said.

  “Well, I ought to be by now,” I said. “It’s my one big superpower.

  “Where to now?” I said, following her back out into the hallway.

  “You’re going to give Pete to a security guard,” said Kayla, handing me the lizard, “who’ll bring him to Alice. I’ll deal with her football flunkies. Then we’ll rendezvous outside your music room after the bell.”

  “Football flunkies?” I said.

  “Yes, and they’re about to spot me. Get back against the wall so they don’t see you. They come in, you go out. Understand?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, backing up against the wall. “Do I understand?”

  Kayla, turning away from me, struck the pose of an innocent daydreaming little girl as a shout of “There she is!” came from the doors to my left.

  They burst open. Dimitrius and Moose-O charged in, running straight for Kayla—Moose-O’s face still a mess from its encounter with the banister.

  As the doors closed behind them, I slipped out and ran up the steps toward the third floor.

  CHAPTER 18

  CATCHING UP WITH PETE

  Wait, but had Kayla told me to run up the stairs?

  All she’d actually said was to give Pete to a security guard. Why had I assumed she meant one on the third floor and not the first?

  I looked down at the lizard in my hands. Pete’s tongue flicked out around his upper mouth, searching for the missing mustache.

  “Sorry about that, old buddy,” I said, pushing through the door to the third-floor hallway. “It’s only temporary … I think. Look, I know you’re retired these days. But you need to come back for one last job. We wouldn’t be asking for your help if it wasn’t so important.”

  Pete blinked skeptically.

  “Fair enough,” I said. “We’re not exactly ‘asking,’ are we? But I promise that your part in this will be easy. You won’t have to turn back into a human, or wrestle, or kill anybody. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t do any of those things. We just need you to stay a lizard so Alice thinks you’re Squeep! See, because that way …”

  Pete stared at me.

  “Okay, to be honest, I don’t completely understand this plan myself,” I said. “But Kayla’s usually right about these things. Although, in this case … I mean, she can’t see into the Doorganizer any more than I can. So she’s probably using a lot of guesswork here … Anyway, my point is—”

  Up ahead, the door to the boys’ bathroom swung open.

  I sidestepped from view, flattening myself against the wall.

  “Shh,” I said, hushing Pete.

  A security guard came out of the boys’ room—not Santa Claus, but a younger one whose funny nickname I didn’t know.

  I felt certain this must be the guard Kayla had meant. I decided to walk up and hand him Pete.

  But I grew a lot less certain when I noticed that this security guard was already carrying a lizard.

  Squeep!? No, the eyes were too bulgy, their expression too dull, the body too bloated for it to be Squeep! This was the Mighty Thor.

  The guard carried him out of the boys’ room in a nest of wet paper towels, as though he had just taken Thor out of a water bath in the sink. The lizard disappeared from view as the guard turned toward the central stairs.

  I followed quickly but stopped after a few steps, realizing that I had no idea what to do next.

  Run up to him with Pete? And say what? “Care for another?”

  I watched the guard turn right and vanish down the central stairway.

  What would Kayla want me to do?

  I looked down into my hand, as though Pete might advise me.

  “Any ideas?” I said.

  Pete looked up in alarm, and then was whisked from my palm entirely.

  “Give him back!” said Felix, yanking Pete away.

  “No, Felix,” I said.

  “What is actually wrong with you, Conklin?” said Felix, clutching Pete like a rescued baby. “I leave him for a minute to do his business and you actually steal him?”

  “I wasn’t stealing him,” I said, stepping forward, “because that’s not the Mighty Thor. Look at him!”

  “Get away from us!” said Felix, stepping back.

  “It’s Pete! Pete the lizard. Not Thor. Give him back to me!”

  “You’re actually crazy, Conklin!” Felix backed away. “You’re a crazy insane maniac.”

  “I just shaved him,” I said. “With my razor. How could I shave Thor’s mustache? Thor doesn’t even have one!”

  “Get away!” yelled Felix, swinging his backpack as I advanced. With his other hand he held Pete far behind him and out of my reach.

  “He’s not even bloated!” I said, dodging the backpack. “Look at him. It’s not Pete! I mean, it’s not Squeep! I mean—”

  “I’ll actually call the police,” said Felix. “One more step, and I’ll actually call them!”

  In the corner of my eye, I saw a large, fast-moving thing closing in on us. A white football jersey. A blond kid, sprinting, extended a long left arm and swiped Pete the lizard out of Felix’s hand.

  Felix gazed round-mouthed at his empty palm.

  Then, looking up at the runner, he made small wispy sounds of actually … actually …

  “That wasn’t actually Thor,” I said.

  Without looking at me, he turned and chased after the football player.

  As he ran, Felix pulled a phone from his pocket.

  CHAPTER 19

  GOSSIP

  Had everything gone horribly wrong, or was this all part of some weird plan of Kayla’s? I was leaning heavily toward “horribly wrong.”

  As I hurried down the central stairs to meet her outside my music class, the bell rang.

  The hallways crowded with kids changing classes, kids talking, laughing, arguing, goofing around, blissfully oblivious of what was about to happen—of what I had already seen happen.

  I felt jealous of them. How unfair
that I had to know about the black hole and they didn’t.

  “Did you hear about the horse?” I overheard a girl telling a friend.

  A few feet later another one said something about a horse.

  Then a third kid mentioned one.

  Apparently, there was some juicy piece of horse-related gossip going around. I marveled at the frivolity of their lives. Talking about horses at a time like this.

  I stopped halfway down the hall from the music room and scanned the crowd for Kayla. She had said to meet her outside the door, but I kept my distance. I didn’t feel up to talking to anyone I knew right now besides her.

  Why had she said it was so important that I go to my music class?

  I found myself picturing the piano in the Doorganizer. It sat on a pile of other stuff Alice had surely stolen from the music room. I puzzled over the bizarre links and correspondences between the normal outer world and that warped interior place built of secrecy and greed.

  “Hey you,” said a girl, swatting my arm.

  Willow Johansen stepped in front of me.

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “Uh-huh,” I said, looking over her shoulder for Kayla.

  “You can’t be Nev Everly’s lab partner,” said Willow.

  “What? Why not?”

  “Are you kidding?” said Willow. “You and Nev Everly? Oh yeah, right. Get over yourself, Hap. She is so out of your league.”

  “What are you talking about?” I said.

  “You can be Paisley’s lab partner,” said Willow. “She was already Lacy’s, but Lacy’s agreed to be Nev’s partner, so you can be Paisley’s.”

  “Huh?” I said. “No way! I’m Nev’s partner.”

  “Well, you’re not going to the dance with her,” said Willow.

  “What dance?” I said.

  “Homecoming, dummy,” said Willow.

  “We’re past homecoming,” I said. “And sixth graders can’t go to the dances anyway. They’re for seventh and eighth only.”

  “I mean next year’s homecoming,” said Willow. “You have to go with Paisley.”

  “Paisley hates me!” I said.

  “Oh yeah?” said Willow. “Well, she’s crying right now about you and Nev and her webbed toe.”

  “What webbed toe?” I said.

  “Paisley’s!” said Willow. “She has a webbed toe on her right foot. And you’re the only other kid in our class with an abnormality. No one’s going to ask Paisley to the dance if you don’t.”

  “Abnormality?” I said.

  “Come on, Hap,” she said. “Do you honestly think that anyone besides Paisley would ever go out with you?”

  This conversation had me wondering if a black hole wiping us all out would be such a bad thing.

  “And now she’s crying,” said Willow. “I hope you’re happy.”

  “I didn’t even do anything,” I said.

  “Johansen!” yelled a grown-up voice. “Willow Johansen!”

  Ms. Prince, our science teacher, scowled as she strode toward us.

  “I am not happy, Willow,” said Ms. Prince. “I gave you special permission if you promised to act responsibly. Do you call this acting responsibly?”

  “What did I do?” said Willow, staring up at her.

  “Remember your science project?” said Ms. Prince. “Did you leave part of it behind in my classroom? Something important, maybe?”

  “What?” said Willow.

  Ms. Prince reached into the pocket of her cardigan sweater, pulled out a lizard, and held it under Willow’s face.

  “Look,” she said, “I’m not going to let you and Felix continue with this project if you can’t eve—”

  The word froze on her lips the moment I grabbed the lizard out of her hand.

  I stumbled backward with Squeep!

  Willow and Ms. Prince stared wide-eyed, both of their mouths falling open.

  Turning, I heard their screams start up like police sirens, drawing every pair of eyes in the hallway toward me as I ran in the wrong direction from the music room.

  CHAPTER 20

  THE YELLOW BACKPACK

  Barreling around the corner, I nearly collided with the security guard known as Santa Claus. Recognition dawned in his eyes as he looked from my face down to Squeep!

  He lunged for me as I passed him, his big white wedding-banded hand missing my ear by inches.

  Now I heard him chasing me. His shoes slapping, huffing and puffing, dangerously close and getting closer.

  I thought, Shouldn’t I be faster than this old guy?

  But Santa proved to be one tough senior citizen.

  He dove at me, his head slamming into my lower back hard enough to knock me off my feet and send Squeep! soaring out of my hands.

  Ascending toward ceiling tiles, Squeep! stared down at me flying below him. He winced as I plowed into a crowd of students, knocking at least five of them over. As I fell through a collapsing tackle of bodies, I tried to keep my eyes aimed at where Squeep!, reaching the top of his arc, began to fall. His body rotated counterclockwise as it descended into the waiting hands of Kayla.

  She caught him with a gentle lowering motion, while I slammed hard into the floor, a rockslide of bony kids coming down on top of me.

  My eyes fought to stay open against somebody’s kicking shoe.

  Kayla placed Squeep! into her yellow backpack and zipped it mostly closed. Holding the bag by its top strap, she headed off down the hallway and turned right at the first corner.

  Instantly, from that direction, a deep, adult voice shouted her name.

  “Freeze, Kayla!” it yelled. “Get on the floor with your hands behind you!”

  Kayla’s yellow bag came back into view, sliding across the floor to stop about twelve yards from where I lay under the crush of kids.

  Then Kayla herself followed, stumbling backward away from a large running man in an FBI windbreaker. His hand thrust down for her wrist.

  Kayla reversed directions with a twisting dive. The man looked surprised as he plunged headlong over her to the floor, his gangly legs whipping his shoes into the lockers in a thumping crash.

  Before Kayla had rolled to her feet, two more FBI guys fell upon her. As she slipped through one’s legs, the pair of men tangled and tipped.

  But now Kayla had four new running agents surrounding her. Now five. Now six. I saw the flash of panic in her eyes as, dodging one agent’s hand, she came within the grasp of two others.

  Then three of them had hold of her at once, forcing her arms behind her back. A small agent in a suit leaped in with a pair of flashing metal handcuffs.

  Kayla howled the word “NO!” as Detective Frank Segar cuffed her wrists together behind her back.

  “Get her secured in a vehicle,” Frank yelled at the blond FBI woman lifting Kayla into the air. “I want her clamped down.”

  As the female agent carried her away, Kayla stared down at the yellow backpack. Then her eyes crossed the floor to where I lay, before her face disappeared around the corner.

  “Clear these hallways!” yelled Frank, reaching for the walkie-talkie on his belt. “This is an emergency lockdown, people! Get everyone into the rooms. No one comes in or out while we’re on lockdown.”

  “Mobile one, mobile one, this is team leader,” Frank said into his walkie-talkie. “Kayla Conklin is in custody. Beth Conklin remains at large. I repeat, the subject remains at large. Use extreme caution. Radio team leader before you engage … Hey you, security! Get these kids into the rooms!”

  “Okay, you heard him, everybody …,” Santa Claus started saying.

  As kids got up, I turned my face toward the floor. Frank hadn’t spotted me yet, and I sure didn’t want him to. I could see his shiny black size-four FBI shoes standing beside Kayla’s backpack, where something stirred below the yellow canvas.

  “Officers,” yelled a familiar voice. “Actually, Officers!”

  Felix walked through the formation of agents, waving his hands in the air.

/>   “Officers, I’m actually the one who phoned the police,” said Felix. “I am the victim here. It was my property that was stolen. And the thief is actually lying on the ground right there!”

  Felix pointed at me. I turned my face back to the floor.

  “He actually had one known accomplice,” said Felix. “Number fourteen from the varsity football team, last known whereabouts—”

  “Shut up!” yelled Frank. “And get into a classroom, before I kick you into one!”

  Frank began stepping toward me.

  “Actually, Officer …?” said Felix.

  As Frank’s shoes approached, a flickering in the distance shifted my focus to the farthest end of the hallway.

  I saw four galloping horse legs. Now I heard their hoofs beating.

  I looked up in time to see a flash of the full animal before it passed from view.

  Had I gotten knocked in the head too hard?

  No. The FBI agents saw it too and were yelling:

  “There she goes, sir!”

  “Six o’clock, sir! There she is! Six o’clock!”

  “Go! Go! Go!”

  The whole flock of black FBI shoes alighted at once as the agents raced down the corridor in the direction of the horse.

  Felix chased after them, flapping his arms and yelling, “Officers! Actually, Officers!”

  I started moving toward the yellow backpack, slithering at first, still afraid of being spotted, my left leg aflame with pain. I pulled myself up and started to crawl, slowly at first, then accelerating.

  I skittered like a lizard across the floor.

  As I reached out for the backpack, a hand swung down and yanked it away into the air.

  I locked eyes for an instant with Dimitrius, before he turned and ran off with Kayla’s bag.

  CHAPTER 21

  THE SWITCH

  Limping as fast as I could hobble, I chased Dimitrius’s number 07 jersey down the same hallway where once, after our first encounter, I had pursued him with his own wallet. This time he left me even farther in the dust.

  He turned right, toward the gym, and I found myself alone in a corridor that felt creepily empty after the chaos behind me.