I’d planned to stay over and be with him.
I should have woken up in his arms this morning. Instead, I was here at my house with this hollow feeling inside me that wouldn’t go away.
It was bright and early Saturday morning. I’d come outside and sat on the porch before the sun came up. That was in response to not being able to sleep. I came out and just watched the scenery unfold before me to what it was now. Darkness turning into the bright morning light that beamed down on the pleasant suburban street I lived on.
I’d just sat here on the porch watching and processing. Going over everything in my mind.
Devon had told me he loved me. It was the first time he’d said those words to me. It was the first time I’d heard the words. But it didn’t feel like the first time simply because he’d showed me so often, and in everything he’d done, that I could have heard him say the words a million times.
How could I know something of such a deep level of surety and be in this state of flux?
How many people could actually say that with such genuine knowledge?
I didn’t know many. And, yes, it was good to know but damn there was the other parts of last night that I just couldn’t shake.
Melanie naked next to him. Seeing them together.
Thinking it now made me shiver.
“Ughhh shit,” I hissed, standing up.
I couldn’t stay here.
I couldn’t stay here and allow myself to go crazy with the wonder and worry.
Paige was normally the person I’d run to when I got worked up like this. But, this wasn’t a Paige problem.
This felt more like something in line for the other person I’d looked up to in my life.
Dad.
This was a dad problem. Something I needed his strength for.
I jumped in my car and headed to Dad.
***
It was clear from the way Dad looked when he opened the door that he wasn’t expecting visitors.
In the past it would have been fine for me to just show up unexpected.
Today though, not so much.
He had on what I called his “lazy day clothes” which consisted of a pair of black slacks and a raggedy t-shirt that used to be yellow but was now a mustard gray color. He looked quite different to his usual well-kept look. Then a quick glance behind him when he opened the door wider revealed a dark-haired woman in a long nightshirt with her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun. She was standing by the long sofa with the TV remote in her hands.
I was guessing that was Gina.
“Oh Dad, I’m sorry. This looks like a bad time. I can come back another time,” I apologized quickly.
“No, don’t be silly girl.” He gave me his usual good-natured smile but looked slightly uneasy as he glanced over his shoulder back to Gina.
She came closer with a smile on her face.
“Hi,” she said to me.
“Hey there,” I answered.
“Well I might as well do my grand intro now.” Dad chuckled looking from me to her. “Kelly this is Gina, my girlfriend. Gina, this is my Kelly. My not so little girl. The angel I’ve been telling you about.”
He was such a sweet person, and it truly was nice to hear him introduce her as his girlfriend.
“It’s great to meet you,” I told her and I really meant that. I held my hand out to shake hers. She took it and I noticed how her eyes sparkled as she looked at me.
“It’s wonderful to meet you,” she told me.
“Come on Kelly, you have that look,” Dad stated with raised brows.
“I do.” I nodded agreeing, knowing full well I absolutely did have that look which was the look of needing him.
I went in and he closed the door.
“Gina, we may be awhile,” Dad said.
“No problem. You guys do whatever you need to,” Gina said.
Dad placed a reassuring arm around me and guided me to the kitchen.
He released me once we got inside and looked straight into my eyes with that fatherly warmth I’d always taken comfort in.
“I like her. She seems really nice,” I stated. I thought I should say something about Gina first.
“She is, and I’m seriously glad you like her. This wasn’t the way I wanted you to meet, but now that it’s done I’m glad.”
I sighed. “Me too. I wanted to meet her under more…well not an impromptu visit from me in need on a Saturday morning kind of meeting. I won’t take up too much of your time, I promise.”
Dad chuckled. “Kelly, again, please don’t worry about things like that. I’m here whenever you need me, no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing. You first baby doll.”
“Thank you. That means a lot Dad.” It meant everything and as I looked at him deep appreciation washed over me at the way he’d played both father and mother in my life.
“I know what will cheer you up.” He waved his hand toward the kitchen counter and my gaze landed on a large box of donuts from Mario’s.
It showed I must have been in a bad way not to see or smell those from the minute we’d entered the kitchen.
Seeing the box made my inner child come out. Dad always used to get those early Saturday morning for us to eat. He’d have them ready before I woke up. Then he’d make a big breakfast and we’d watch cartoons together. It was something we always did, even when I got too old for cartoons. I remembered smelling the donuts as I entered the kitchen and to me that was what the weekend smelled like.
That inner child drove me back to his arms and I rested my head on his chest.
“Daddy,” I breathed. I hadn’t called him that since I was about twelve, maybe thirteen. It was a long time ago. Back when I decided that it was so uncool and “Dad” sounded cooler. That came after one of the girls at school made fun of me for calling him Daddy.
“Oh, wow. You haven’t called me that in years. I’m really glad you came by. Seems like you really needed me.”
I pulled back and looked at him, a tear running down my cheek. “I do.”
“Come sit. We’ll eat and talk,” he offered.
We sat on the high stools beside the counter and I spilled my worries telling him all that had happened. Everything. I hadn’t left anything at all out.
When I was finished Dad looked at me, giving me a long stare.
He didn’t say anything for at least a minute but it felt like the longest minute ever.
“That boy did not cheat on you Kelly,” Dad stated, shaking his head. “He didn’t. Some women are just vindictive. The way it played out couldn’t have been better than she wanted.”
I released the breath I’d been holding on to. “Do you really think he didn’t?” I asked in a meek voice.
He lowered his brows. “Baby girl, you know he didn’t. There’s no need to ask my thoughts on that. You know in your heart that he didn’t. Don’t you?”
I nodded, slowly but surely. “I know in my heart, but Dad…the things she said. She made valid points when she said he’d remember he loved her and essentially that their love was lasting enough to gloss over what she’d done.”
Dad shook his head. “Kelly…I get what you’re saying and this woman seems very convincing but anybody can sound like that if they want to. It’s what you know in your heart to be true that counts. I haven’t had the privilege of seeing Devon since you two got back together, but if he’s anything like how he was before, I know that boy would never hurt you. Not like that. He’d sooner not be with you, but he wouldn’t play around like that.”
My shoulders slumped and guilt took over now. “I should talk to him.”
Dad straightened and placed a finger at his jaw. “You can do that, but I feel like there’s a few hurdles you need to jump over first. You’re scared, Kelly. I look at you and it’s the first thing I see. Fear and terror in your eyes. You can’t live your life in fear of being hurt. It’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair on Devon if he
is who you want to be with. Trust me I know.”
I ran a hand through my hair. My poor hair that felt like a matted mess.
“I know Dad, I know and I feel so foolish because it’s come full circle, right back to that point where we were. Take Melanie out of the equation and that’s where I am.”
The corners of his lips twitched into a little smile. “Sweetie, the good thing is that you can address it and talk about it now. This Melanie has possibly given you a push in the right direction. I hope. I feel the situation has just pushed you to get to the crux of an obstacle that you can’t keep dancing around. Now think about it. What bothers you the most?”
Oh I didn’t need to think. It was at the forefront of my mind. Right there, always looming over my head like a storm cloud. A warning.
“That he’ll leave again. I don’t mean leave for a job. I understand the job and I would have understood him leaving for the job, but it was the part about leaving me. That feeling of losing him. But…that was my fault. It didn’t have to be that way. You don’t tell someone you love that you care about them when what they want to hear is that you love them. I don’t want to be so scared anymore to love him. I don’t want to live like this.”
“Then don’t. Just don’t.” Dad nodded. “You’re worried about becoming like me, but don’t. Just don’t become like me. Your mother left a big hole in my life because she was my first love and the mother of my child. That’s my path. The thing that happened to me. I know she left you too, but it affected us both in a different way. Your mother abandoned you and my wife left me. She hurt you with what she did to us, but she hurt you in a different way too from witnessing what her departure did to me.”
“It was hard watching you suffer. I hoped she would just come back.”
“I know, but it wasn’t meant to be and I realized too that I wasn’t meant to live the rest of my life pining away over a woman who never loved me. People who love you don’t treat you like that. Devon won’t treat you like that Kelly. Gina…has been in my life now for eight years and I’ve been too afraid to try. That’s eight years wasted on fear when I could have been happy.”
I knew he meant for that to inspire me, but it broke my heart to hear he’d been so afraid to try with Gina for so long. Eight years was a long time.
“I’m sorry Dad. I wished you could be happy too.”
“I am now. I’m very happy now.” He smiled.
“That makes me happy too. It’s funny how I never thought I’d have to worry about anything like this. I never really thought I’d find someone I’d have to worry about leaving me.”
“That’s the thing though. You don’t have to worry. I’ve learned that it’s finding that person you don’t have to worry about. You don’t have to worry about giving your love and then being abandoned,” he surmised and his words warmed my heart.
“I never thought of it that way.” I shuffled, straightening up as the slump and tension that had taken me started to shift and lift from my shoulders. And, my heart.
“Me neither. Then I realized it was a whole separate category of a person. In all seriousness, that kind of person is the hardest to find. When you find them it’s rare and you hold on to them. Do you think Devon is that person for you?”
I pressed my lips together and nodded. “Yes… It is. It’s him.”
“Then I’m going to tell you to take the leap of faith. Trust. Trust in how you feel. Trust in what you want. Take the risk Kelly. If you don’t you’ll regret it. I don’t want that for you. I truly, truly don’t want that for you.”
“I can do this right?” I thought I was taking the risk my heart wanted me to take months ago when Devon and I got back together. While I had in a way, this was different.
It was completely different. It was me addressing the deep rooted problems I had and dealing with them. Conquering them.
“You know you can. You know enough to. You know all you could know. Devon has told you enough. Now I dare you to just do the rest. Don’t waste another minute.”
I laughed. Dad was well versed in my dares. This dare though felt like the best way to push me in the right direction.
The ball was in my court.
I had it.
Coach Fratelli told me I should tell Devon how I felt, that it was important. He was right. It was important for a lot of things and a lot of reasons.
I’d thought I was on this path of exploration, starting something new. It wasn’t though. The path was a continuation. It was a second chance to continue where Devon and I left off.
It was a chance for me, not Devon, to do something different.
It was my chance, not his. He’d done his part.
I continued to look at Dad, processing his words, and for the first time I actually felt like I could do this.
Don’t waste another minute to tell Devon the most important thing I could possibly tell him.
I stood up.
“Now?” Dad chuckled.
I smiled. “Not wasting another minute.”
“Sounds good.” He grabbed a donut and popped it into his mouth.
I gave him a quick hug before I left.
***
As I drove to Devon’s place I thought about everything.
Gearing myself up to talk, I thought about the whole situation in its entirety.
This was it. I wanted to tell him how I felt and move forward. Move forward and man up, so as to speak.
No more shit. No more of it.
I found Devon in the parking lot loading up his car with what looked like fishing stuff.
There was a rod poking out of the car trunk and a lunch cooler.
He stopped packing when he saw me.
It seemed he hadn’t slept much either because he had dark circles under his eyes.
“Kelly.” He said my name with a tentative expression and looked me over with it. Worry was evident in his eyes.
He walked to me too as I approached him. He stopped but I kept going. I kept going straight to his arms, throwing mine around him, surrounding him with all the love I felt for him.
“I love you,” I breathed and it felt like freedom. The words liberated my mind. Freed my soul, freed me from the past. From everything that bound me to where I used to be. And suddenly I wasn’t afraid anymore.
Those words freed me from fear.
He pulled away and cupped my face, searching my eyes with a desperation I’d never seen before.
“Jesus, Kelly…please don’t tell me this is some kind of dream. I couldn’t bear it. If this isn’t real, I wouldn’t be able to…” His voice trailed off.
I shook my head. “I love you Devon, and no this isn’t a dream. Two years ago when you asked me how I felt about you, that was what I should have said. I love you. That was the answer. It should have been accompanied by what I did say, but that should have been the first thing.”
A tear spilled from the corner of his eye and the sight tugged on my heart.
“I love you too. I loved you at hello,” he answered.
A wave of emotion swept through me on hearing that because I realized I loved him from then too.
“It was the same for me. I loved you at hello.”
“I’m so sorry for the rough journey we had to go through to get here.”
I shook my head. “That was my fault.”
“Kelly, I’m to blame too. A lot. There’s all the shit with Melanie and I feel bad for it. All of it. I do because of the way it all worked out. Last night…nothing happened last night, Kelly.”
“I know. I know nothing happened because you would never do that to me. You don’t have to worry about that. I’m sorry I freaked and never listened. I don’t care about Melanie. She came to see me and really knocked me off kilter. She said all the right things to throw me and at the point where I was just starting to get comfortable in us. But it’s okay. She actually helped because the way I feel now is better. I’m stronger and I know I wan
t you.” I couldn’t believe the words were just flowing from me. It was just as Dad had said. I had the knowledge, now I just had to do the rest.
I smiled at the man I’d loved for so long and continued. “Devon, I want to move forward with you. I want to be that person for you, the way you are for me.”
He smiled too and the warmth that emitted from him was like coming home.
“You are, Kelly.”
He pulled me into his arms, holding me close to his heart.
It sealed me into the strength of us as a couple. We were great together in everything we did.
Everything, because he was everything.
I couldn’t ask for more.
Epilogue
Devon
One year later…
I tossed that lucky coin of mine this morning and I was definitely happy with the outcome.
It landed on heads, telling me to follow through with the glorious plans I had for today.
Today was going to be a great day.
It really was.
Kelly and I had gotten to Palm Springs last night and settled into our beach hut.
I didn’t think I’d ever seen the woman look so excited. She was bouncing off the walls already when I sprung the surprise getaway on her, but getting here was a whole other story.
Her excitement made me wish I’d planned this trip before.
What she didn’t realize was I had more up my sleeve than just the trip.
She quite rightly thought we were here because we needed the break. It was a given with how hard we’d worked throughout the year with Jeff and our intense research and clinical trials. There were also my make-up practical sessions too to factor in.
What I had on my mind, however, was more than just a break.
As I looked at her sitting on the little veranda with her legs hanging over the side, admiring the beautiful sea surrounding us, I was a bag of nerves.
The little blue box in my back pocket made me a bag of nerves.
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