A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  His stomach clenched at the adoration in her voice. Why he cared, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t as though he liked the woman, or had any claim to her. Yet it still took him considerable effort to unclench, to not care.

  ‘Excuse me, ladies,’ he said once he had himself under control, and was feeling sufficiently nonchalant.

  Stacey spun around instantly, clutching a bundle tight against her chest. It took one glance at the bundle in her arms to know he’d been wrong. To know that his tension over her supposed new lover had been unnecessary.

  ‘Oh hey, Cam. Would you look at this? Isn’t he just the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen?’ She asked, beaming at him as she unfurled her arm to angle the new-born baby towards him. Ever so gently, she eased the blanket away from his tiny face, running a loving finger down his cheek. Instinctively the baby rolled his head towards her finger, caressing it. Her heart visibly melted with the gesture.

  Cam’s gut clenched ten times tighter than it had before.

  Oh, why couldn’t she be gushing over a new lover?

  Stacey glanced up from the baby’s face to share the moment with Cam but his was shuttered, his eyes as hard as icicles.

  ‘I didn’t realise this was a neonatal ward,’ Cam commented, his voice so stiff Stacey couldn’t tell if he was joking. The other women laughed, though, so she joined in. But she wasn’t fooled – his eyes remained hard as they drilled into her.

  ‘Don’t worry, he’s not a patient,’ Stacey assured him, trying to gauge where he would go next.

  ‘He’s yours?’ he asked, his eyes piercing hers, almost accusatory in their intensity.

  ‘Oh, no,’ she laughed again, trying to lighten the mood. ‘I might be dedicated, but even I would draw the line at returning to work three weeks after giving birth.’

  ‘Well, that’s a relief,’ he smiled, some warmth returning to his eyes.

  ‘He’s Maria’s. . .oh, you wouldn’t have met. Well, this is Maria,’ she said, turning easily to the woman at her side and making the introductions. His gaze briefly shifted to the wan-looking woman next to her, politely nodding his head. ‘Maria works here—or at least she did until this little one came along’.

  ‘Congratulations,’ he managed before abruptly changing the subject. ‘Who’s doing rounds with me today?’

  The words slid in one of Stacey’s ears and out the other as her attention was drawn back to the beautiful boy she was holding.

  ‘Stace, you’re up,’ one of the other nurses clicked their fingers in her direction, trying to grab her attention.

  ‘Oh, that’s right,’ Stacey answered reluctantly. She pressed little Charlie up against her face, sniffing his delicious new-born scent.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll go,’ Bree, one of the younger nurses offered. ‘I’ve had my cuddles.’

  ‘Oh thanks, Bree. I owe you one,’ she said, cuddling the baby close again.

  ‘Don’t forget to give him back,’ Cam’s voiced pulled her back to the group of adults around her momentarily.

  ‘I won’t,’ she answered, but the smile beaming across her face begged to differ.

  ‘So, what’s he like?’ Teegan asked as Stacey finally sat down at a computer in the scientists’ lab. She’d been caught up doing respiratory tests for the last couple of hours.

  ‘Who?’ Stacey asked without looking up from the polysomnogram she was opening.

  ‘The new guy, Dr Lewis? You’ve been in the ward with him the last two weeks; you must have worked with him a bit.’

  Well, not if she could help it, Stacey thought wryly. She’d actually managed to avoid him fairly successfully, and now she was in the lab for the rest of the week she shouldn’t see him again until next Monday.

  ‘Oh, you mean Cam. Um, he’s okay.’

  ‘Listen to her, would you, Matt — “you mean Cam”. She’s on first name basis already. Surely you know enough to describe him as more than “okay”?’

  ‘What do you want to know? He seems to be a good doctor.’ Stacey knew she was avoiding the question, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to talk about him. It was bad enough he kept popping up in her thoughts. Every so often she’d find her mind wandering and his face would appear in her head, his gorgeous smile shining down at her. She hadn’t told anyone about the morning tea incident. She didn’t want to make a big deal about it, though it still warmed her insides whenever she thought of it.

  ‘Of course he’s a good doctor; otherwise Ed wouldn’t have given him the job. No, what’s he like?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘How can you not know? Have you even talked to him?’ Teegan demanded in the whisper version of a screech. Stacey was glad they had to keep the volume down in here, or else she’d probably be deaf by now.

  ‘A little, I guess. Mostly about the patients when he’s doing his rounds.’

  ‘Seriously? Man, Stacey, if I were you, I’d be chatting him up any chance I got. He is super-fine. And he’s single.’

  Stacey felt her heart jump at that tit-bit of information, but clamped down on it quickly. She needed to stop reacting like this. She wasn’t interested in him, or whether he was available. She couldn’t be. Her future depended on it. Despite knowing this, she couldn’t help checking the veracity of her source.

  ‘How do you know? I didn’t think you’d met him.’

  ‘I only saw him at the welcome party. He wasn’t wearing a ring, so I assumed he was single.’

  ‘I didn’t notice,’ Stacey said, shrugging her shoulders. The presence or absence of a ring didn’t mean anything. She really didn’t want to talk about Cam. She’d been looking forward to her shifts in the lab so she could get away from all things Cameron. The nurses in the ward hadn’t stopped gushing about him. She’d been going nuts. It was all: “Cameron’s such a good doctor”; “Cameron’s so wonderful with the patients”; “Cameron’s so nice”; and, her least favourite, “Cameron’s so hot”.

  Of course he was nice and wonderful with patients. That was the makings of a good paediatrician. And she had two eyes and a pulse; she could see how attractive he was. They didn’t need to keep going on about it.

  ‘You really need to get out more, Teegan. You’re starting to go batty.’

  ‘I get out plenty, thank you. It’s you who needs to get out more. You should come out with us Friday night. It will do you good.’

  Stacey didn’t even look up from the study. She’d gotten well practised at turning people down. She just didn’t feel like partying these days.

  ‘Can’t. Working Friday night.’

  ‘Saturday night, then,’ Teegan persisted.

  ‘No. I—’

  ‘Stacey, you need to move on. I know it was hard when your mum died, but that was eight months ago. It’s time to stop grieving.’

  A stab of pain shot straight through her heart at the mention of her mother. Teegan didn’t know what she was talking about. Oh, her intentions were good, but she didn’t understand what Stacey had gone through, what she was still going through.

  Estelle had been Stacey’s only family. Her father had died when she was two and though her mother had married again, five years later to a divorced father of three, it wasn’t the same. Her step-family had never accepted her, the children always wanting “exclusive family time” on the weekends with their father.

  Rejected throughout her childhood, Stacey had longed to be part of a big family and she thought she finally was when she met Brian and his family.

  But you can’t choose your family, and you can’t marry a family.

  You can only be born into family.

  Stacey had learnt that the hard way.

  It wasn’t something she wanted to get into with her work colleagues, though, so Stacey pushed past the pain and forced a smile to her lips.

  ‘Thanks for your concern, Teegan, but I’m fine,’ she replied, as convincingly as she could before turning back to the study she was scoring.

  They continued to chat for the next half ho
ur, moving onto safer topics. Once it hit three-thirty Teegan and Matt started packing up.

  ‘Same time tomorrow, Miss C?’ Teegan called from the door.

  ‘I’ll be here,’ Stacey answered, giving the guys a wave as they walked out. After they left, Stacey sat back in her chair, stretching. She finished analysing the study and hit the key to generate the automated report. While she waited for it to load she flicked open an internet browser and logged into Facebook. She scrolled down the news feed, paying little attention to the ads and random status updates by the regular users. Her finger paused mid-scroll as she found the photo she was looking for.

  A deep longing throbbed through her as she looked at the photo of her nephew, Patrick, as he blew out eight candles on his birthday cake. Okay so, technically he wasn’t her nephew. He was Brian’s. But she’d known him since he was born. She’d helped plan his baby shower. She’d baked his first birthday cake, knitted him booties, been there as he learnt to swim. She’d babysat him when his younger brother was born. She’d patched up scraped knees, kissed away his tears and shared hours of laughter with him.

  And now. . .nothing.

  With the click of a button she expanded the album so she could view all the photos from his special day. They were all there—Miriam and Joseph, Alana and Mike, Patrick, Carly and Stewart, Philip and Beth. And there, in that last photo, was Brian. Brian, his new wife and their baby.

  The baby that should have been, but never would be, hers.

  ‘Hi guys, sorry to interrupt, but do you know if. . .oh, Stacey. I didn’t realise you were working today.’ Cameron fell silent when he saw Stacey sitting alone in the room, tears pooling in her eyes. He cursed himself for barging in unannounced as he watched Stacey blink rapidly as she tried to disperse the tears. Concern for her burrowed deep inside him, more than it should have for a colleague he’d only known a couple of weeks. She looked so sad and lonely; emotions Cam had no trouble identifying with. Yet he’d not expected to see them on her. It was such a difference from the chirpy nurse he’d seen flitting around the place.

  ‘I do a couple of days a week in the lab,’ Stacey tried to be cheerful but he could hear the tear-soaked pain in her voice.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  Maybe he should leave, Cam thought. She probably wanted to be alone but for some reason he couldn’t do the polite thing, so instead of backing out of the room, he continued walking into it, taking a seat next to her.

  ‘I’m fine.’ Stacey said, smiling. But the smile didn’t reach anywhere near her eyes, and Cam saw straight through it.

  ‘Well, clearly you’re not. Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘No thanks,’ she replied. As he watched, she hastily logged out of Facebook and clicked on the report that was ready to be filled in. When he continued to look at her with concern she put more effort into making the smile real. ‘I’m just having a bit of a girly moment. So, what was it you were after?’

  ‘Alright, well, if you’re sure?’ But still he hesitated. He didn’t like the idea of her being sad, not over anything. And didn’t women like to talk out their problems? Amber certainly had. It had been one of the things that had driven a wedge between them after. . .No, he wasn’t going to think about that. This wasn’t about him. This was about Stacey and whatever she was crying about.

  He couldn’t force her to talk, though.

  ‘I’ll be fine. Really. Now what brought the great Cameron Lewis out of his office and all the way over to the sleep lab?’

  ‘Are you making fun of me?’

  ‘No. Of course not. Would I do that?’

  Cameron threw her a suspicious look, but was inwardly pleased to see her spirits picking up. ‘I don’t know. Would you?’

  ‘Me? Never. I’m a very nice person.’

  Cameron cracked a smile at her faux haughty expression before she got down to business.

  ‘So, what can I help you with?’

  ‘I’ve got a patient coming in tonight with severe supine sleep apnoea and I was wondering if we have the new positioning device to trial?’

  ‘Yes, we do. If you leave a note in their file, I’ll pull it out and set them up with it.’

  ‘Oh, are you on tonight?’

  ‘Just till nine. I do the afternoon set-up shift, co-ordinating the night-nurses when I’m over here.’

  Cam’s pager went off then, indicating his next patient had arrived.

  ‘I’ve got to go but the offer still stands. If you need to talk to someone, you can come and find me.’

  Two hours later, having finished his rounds on the Respiratory Ward and about to walk out the door, Cam somehow found himself wandering over to the sleep lab instead. He was just going to check on her, he assured himself. He hadn’t been able to scrub the image of Stacey, alone and crying, from his mind. It had been a shock when he’d walked in and found her in that state and he wanted to make sure she’d been telling the truth when she’d said she was over it. He wasn’t sure why he cared so much, but he didn’t like seeing her upset.

  ‘Hi, again,’ Cam said as he walked into the lab.

  Stacey was sitting down at the computer, scoring another study. The television monitors on the shelves above her head were on and he could see there were patients in two of the bedrooms being set up by the evening nurses.

  ‘Oh, hi,’ Stacey said.

  She glanced at him briefly before getting straight back into her study. Not sure what to do next, he stood around looking useless for a few minutes. Maybe this had been a mistake.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, keeping her eyes focused on the computer in front of her.

  ‘I, ah, just thought I’d stop by.’

  She flicked a suspicious look over her shoulder.

  ‘You’re not checking up on me are you?’

  ‘No, of course not. I—’

  ‘Because I told you I was fine. It was just a momentary weakness—’

  ‘Stacey. Stop. I’m not here checking up on you.’

  ‘Then what are you doing here?’

  ‘I. . .ah. . .I wanted to go over some studies from last night,’ Cameron claimed as inspiration struck.

  ‘Can’t you do that from home? That’s what the other doctor’s do.’

  ‘Yes. I can. But I find the refresh rate is a bit slow.’ It wasn’t, but he couldn’t think of any other excuse.

  ‘Oh, well. Okay. Do you need me to set you up on a computer or something?’

  ‘No, I think I can work it out.’ Cam plonked his jacket and briefcase on the bench, pulling out the chair next to Stacey’s. He realised if his lie about not checking up on her was to be convincing, he was going to have to stay here for a while.

  Cameron could feel her eyes on him as he logged in and opened up a study. As he scrolled through the page, he felt the tension ease out of the woman seated beside him. He knew his guise had been successful when she returned to paging through the screen in front of her.

  The silence, normally something Cameron craved, began to get on his nerves. He cleared his throat, racking his brain for some way to open the conversation that didn’t include asking her why she’d been crying.

  ‘You seem to be really good with kids,’ he finally said.

  She shot a wry look across at him before focussing back on the study. ‘Isn’t everyone here? It kind of comes with the territory.’

  ‘Babies, especially,’ he added, giving her a sly, sideways look.

  ‘Are you suggesting something?’ Stacey shot back, one eyebrow arched imperiously.

  ‘Nope, just making an observation,’ he answered, a smile quirking at the edges of his mouth. ‘You look like you’ve had a lot of practice, that’s all. It makes a man curious.’

  ‘Well you know what they say about curiosity,’ she returned with another pointed look.

  ‘Alright, point taken. We don’t need any cat funerals tonight,’ he responded with an easy laugh.

  ‘I never did thank you, by the way.’ Stacey said as she turne
d back to Cameron, a playful smile lighting her face. Cam sucked in his breath as he felt the full force of her smile. It changed her from pretty to gorgeous, and there was a coquettish glint in her eye causing all sorts of havoc with his libido. Was this really the same woman he’d been sitting next to this whole time, who had been brusque and professional with him these last few days?

  ‘What for?’ he managed to croak out, confused by both her words and her manner.

  ‘For the morning tea you brought me on Monday. It was delicious and the gesture was very sweet and much appreciated.’

  It was Cameron’s turn to flush now. He wasn’t used to women thanking him like this, mostly because he usually wasn’t sweet or thoughtful. Acting like that gave women certain ideas—ideas about relationships and futures. Ideas that had no part of Cam’s life, and hadn’t for a long time.

  There was something about Stacey, though. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he was finding himself acting out of character around her. He wasn’t sure if he liked it.

  Not that he seemed to have a choice in the matter. He was quickly becoming addicted to being around her, to how he felt just being in her company.

  ‘It was no trouble,’ he said, brushing away her thanks.

  ‘Maybe not, but I’d still like to make it up to you.’ Cam’s heart rate spiked at the throaty offer, and his eyebrow rose, landing somewhere close to his hairline.

  ‘Cam! I didn’t mean it like that!’ Stacey clapped her hands to her face, turning an almost familiar shade of tomato-red.

  Cameron burst out laughing at the look of complete horror on her face.

  Slowly Stacey’s hands dropped away from her cheeks, Cam’s deep rumbling laugh easing away her embarrassment.

  ‘I just meant I could buy you a slice or something.’

  ‘I don’t really like slice. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.’ Cameron answered once his laughter was under control. Quietly, he was a little relieved. He hadn’t pegged her as being quite that forward.

  ‘Oh, well I guess you’ll just have to miss out, then.’