A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  ‘Yes. Now! Go.’

  Stacey didn’t need to be told twice. She raced down the hall and pulled Toby’s chart from the file cabinet. She checked the masking details and grabbed the style that suited Toby best before returning and holding the file up for Cam to read.

  ‘Are you right with these settings?’

  ‘Yes,’ Cameron nodded.

  Stacey moved to the machine and keyed in the details. She pressed the start button and once she could feel air blowing through the mask she moved it towards the child’s face. Cameron lifted the Ambu bag off and Stacey placed the mask over Toby’s face, gently lifting his head and sliding the headgear that would secure the mask, behind him. She pulled back; adjusting the mask to ensure no air was leaking out the sides and then stepped away.

  They stood there, next to the bed, waiting. It was only seconds but it felt like minutes. Finally they saw his chest rise and fall with the air pressure from the machine. Stacey got to work, pulling out and attaching the oxygen probe and taking his blood pressure. She noted down the results on his new admittance chart.

  ‘Can you get the CO2 machine out? I want his end-tidal CO2 monitored as well.’

  ‘On it,’ Stacey said, retreating from the room to grab the machine.

  When she returned Cam had pulled out his stethoscope and was listening to the boy’s chest. His eyes met hers across the bed, and the relief in them let her know that everything was working as it should.

  ‘Everything is working well now, Mrs Minor. I know it looks scary-’

  ‘We’ve been through this before, doctor,’ the woman interrupted him, her voice tight with suppressed emotion. ‘You don’t have to give me the drill.’

  ‘Alright. As you wish.’

  ‘He’s never stopped breathing before though. Not completely. Will that do any more damage?’

  ‘We were able to bag him immediately, so the lack of oxygen from this particular incident won’t have done too much damage. But the fact that he did stop breathing completely indicates a deterioration of his condition. We’ll run some tests to assess the extent of this muscle loss. It may be temporary, but you should prepare yourself for the possibility that this is permanent.’

  Stacey watched the woman’s face crumple at his words. This was one of the parts of the job that she hated.

  ‘Is there anyone I can call for you? Your partner, maybe?’ he asked.

  ‘No, it’s just me and Toby. It’s—oh, Stacey!’ the woman cried out crumpling towards her.

  ‘It’s okay, Lila, it’s okay.’ Stacey said, pushing the trolley with the CO2 machine in Cameron’s direction and heading straight for the distraught woman, wrapping her arms around her. As soon as she pulled the woman close for a hug, huge sobs began to shake her frame.

  ‘It’s okay, Lila, just get it all out.’ Stacey said, patting the woman’s hair. She looked over at Cam above the woman’s head to let him know she’d get to the CO2 monitoring in a minute, but she needn’t have worried. He was already prepping the site and applying the probe himself. He glanced up then, meeting her eyes, understanding that she needed to be here for this woman right now. He went about completing the tasks of both nurse and doctor as the woman cried out her pain and exhaustion, until finally she seemed to recover.

  ‘I’m sorry about that, Stacey. It’s just so hard sometimes. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much more I can take.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise. You do a phenomenal job with Toby, and you’re allowed to get emotional sometimes. You need to take some time out and have a break occasionally. Why don’t you go down and get yourself a cuppa and I can sit here with Toby until you get back.’

  ‘Thanks, Stacey, but I want to stay here in case he wakes up. I’ll be fine now. But I might take you up on that offer later.’ The woman moved away from Stacey, back towards her son’s bedside. Stacey looked over at Cam who was putting the finishing touches on his notes. He motioned her outside with a tilt of his head.

  ‘His pulse oxygen rate is still only ninety-two per cent so I’ve added two litres of oxygen to his mask. His transcutaneous CO2 level is normal for now, but if it goes up by more than two milligrams we need to titrate his oxygen down, half a litre at a time.’ Stacey took the chart off him as they reached the nurses’ station.

  ‘You did well in there, with the mother, but you can see what I mean now, can’t you?’

  ‘What you mean?’ Stacey asked, at a loss; her thoughts still on Toby and his poor, lonely mother. She would give Lila the number for a respite service again, though she knew the woman was averse to using such a facility.

  ‘About how difficult it is as a single mother. It’s too hard to be something you choose to do. If circumstances cause it, it’s one thing, but choosing it, right from the outset, is entirely different.’

  Was he really still harping on about this? It had been days since their argument and, aside from the attempted peace offering, they hadn’t spoken since. She’d ended the discussion when she walked away on Saturday. She didn’t want to talk to him about it anymore. Didn’t he get that?

  ‘Okay, you need to stop, right there. What I told you wasn’t an option, a decision I’m thinking of making and wanted your advice on. It was a decision I have already made. End of story.’ Stacey stated as firmly as she could whilst whispering. She didn’t want anybody to overhear their conversation.

  ‘But you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. You saw that woman there. She’s all alone and struggling to cope. You might assume now that your child will be different, that yours will be healthy. Just think for a moment how your life would be if he was ill, mentally or physically.’

  ‘Why do you care so much? It’s my life, not yours.’

  ‘I just want you to see the truth. You’re looking at parenthood through rose-coloured glasses. Sure there are good times as well as bad, but you’re not seeing both. If you were just patient, then maybe you’ll realise that there is someone out there for you that you could share this family you want with.’ Cameron argued his point passionately, his eyes beseeching hers.

  ‘Do you know anyone that would be interested?’

  The question seemed to throw him off kilter.

  ‘No, I just—’

  ‘So you’re not volunteering for the job yourself?’ She wasn’t really asking him to take up the job. She just wanted to work out why he cared so much.

  His horrified expression was all the answer Stacey needed, but he felt the need to verbally reject the notion as well.

  ‘No way. I’m. . .No. There are no kids in my future.’

  The disappointment Stacey felt at his words confused her. She didn’t want him to father her children, to be in her future. That wasn’t her plan. So his answer shouldn’t have hurt her, but for some reason it did.

  ‘Then you don’t get an opinion on this.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts. Do you really think, no matter how exhausted she is, that Lila would wish she’d never had Toby? No. No matter the pain, the work, the effort, having your own child is worth it. Even if you’re alone. Especially if you’re alone. Let’s get one thing clear: I am not looking for a man, now or in the future. But does that mean I don’t deserve to have children?’

  Chapter 5

  Stacey’s words reverberated around Cameron’s head for the rest of the day.

  They continued to plague him for the rest of that week.

  He hated being wrong, but maybe in this instance he was.

  He sat back in his office chair and rubbed his hand across his forehead. He hadn’t talked to Stacey since that last argument. Even when he’d stopped by the scientists’ lab on Wednesday and Thursday, sitting down next to her to review his studies, she’d maintained a stony silence, completely ignoring him.

  He hadn’t broken the silence, either. He knew the only words she wanted to hear from his lips was an apology, but he wouldn’t give her empty words. When, if, he apologised, he wanted to mean it.

  Cameron
packed up for the day and headed down to the car. He was supposed to go home and have a rest before coming back for a few hours tonight, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep today.

  Instead he found himself driving across the city, taking the turns on instinct until he wound up travelling down a road he hadn’t been on in six years. He pulled up in front of the cemetery, getting out of the car, his feet automatically moving down the path imprinted in his head, stopping when he reached the tiny headstone.

  TYLER JAMES LEWIS

  20th APRIL 2005 -17th SEPTEMBER 2005

  TAKEN TOO SOON

  BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

  WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

  Cameron felt something unravel inside him.

  ‘Oh, Tyler,’ he groaned as he sank down to his knees next to the headstone. Cameron hesitantly ran his hand over the smooth black granite. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He hadn’t visited the gravesite since the day of the funeral. He’d been unable to face what had happened, how he’d let his son down.

  The pillar was clean and had fresh flowers in front of it. Daisies. Amber had probably put them there. Or maybe his mother. He suspected she visited here frequently, though she never said anything. She’d learnt early on never to mention Tyler to him.

  When he’d watched them lower the tiny white casket into the ground, he’d made a vow to his son that he’d never replace him. How could he? Tyler was irreplaceable.

  Though she may have no idea about the true burden of parenthood, Stacey was right about one thing. No matter how much it had hurt to lose Tyler, he wouldn’t trade those five precious months with him for anything. Cam moved his fingers to his cheeks and was surprised when they came away wet. He hadn’t cried in years. Probably because he’d avoided thinking about the past, keeping himself busy so his thoughts never broke free. There was no avoiding it now. As Cam sat next to the headstone he purposefully removed the lid from the box of memories that had been sealed so tightly in his mind.

  It was time to remember.

  Stacey swiped her security card and let herself in to the building. She loved wandering the hallways of the hospital at this time of night, being awake when everyone else was just going off to sleep. There was something strangely peaceful about watching other people sleep, watching their brainwaves relax as the EEG lines scrolled across the computer screen in real time. It was what had gotten her hooked on sleep medicine when she’d been a student, working night shifts to pay her way through university.

  She pushed open the door to the sleep lab and walked through to the observation room. Two nurses were sitting at the desk. One was talking into an intercom, directing a patient through a series of physiological calibrations, whilst the other was watching the EEG displays on the two computer monitors in front of her.

  ‘Hey, Stacey, what are you doing down here?’ Betty, the nurse watching the patients greeted her.

  She glanced down at her watch. Nine o’clock. She was only a half hour early.

  ‘I’m working tonight. It’s Friday, isn’t it?’ she responded.

  ‘Yeah, but you’re not down here tonight. You’re up in oncology.’

  ‘What? Why? Oh, no. Did something go wrong with Tamara?’

  ‘Afraid so.’

  Bugger. Tamara was a fourteen-year old girl with leukaemia. She was undergoing a bone marrow transplant in a couple of weeks and was currently residing in one of the isolation units in the oncology ward. Earlier this week the night nurse in the ward had observed the girl suffering several apnoeic episodes in her sleep. As she was not well enough to be transported to the lab, Stacey had fitted her with a portable monitoring device which had revealed she was suffering from obstructive sleep apnoea. Yesterday Stacey had fitted her with an automatic CPAP machine to combat the problem, but something must have gone wrong.

  ‘Do you know what’s happened?’

  ‘Nope, but it must be something pretty bad. That new Doc’s had Teegan up there all afternoon rigging it up so you can perform a full study on her tonight. I think he might still be there.’

  Stacey felt her heart skip a beat at the mention of Cam.

  ‘Okay, well, I guess I’d better get up there,’ Stacey said, backtracking out of the lab.

  Her body was on edge as she made her way over to the oncology ward, almost humming with anticipation.

  This was stupid. She hadn’t spoken to the guy since Tuesday, when he’d refused to apologise to her. She didn’t like him, not since he’d morphed into this judgemental, opinionated jerk. But her body didn’t seem to care. It still craved his touch whenever her thoughts strayed to him, which had been far too often over the last few days.

  Stop stressing, she instructed herself. He’s probably gone home already, anyway.

  And if he hadn’t, well, she’d just have to figure out some way to handle being around him without appearing like a mare waiting for her stud.

  Maybe Teegan was right, maybe she did need to go out and meet a man. Not to form a relationship with, but just for the pure physical release. The last time she’d had that kind of release was almost two years ago! No wonder her body was on edge.

  Stacey paused once she reached the oncology ward, washing her hands before pressing the intercom button. The nurse buzzed her through within moments and Stacey moved through the quiet ward until she reached the isolation zone.

  It was a ward within a ward, with four beds for patients undergoing bone marrow transplants. For the new bone marrow to take, the children had chemotherapy to wipe out all their existing bone marrow. As a result, their immune system became non-existent. Until the new bone marrow took hold, the children were extremely vulnerable—even the common cold could be fatal for them. With such severe consequences, there were strict rules and protocols to ensure infection did not enter the unit.

  Stacey pressed a button, opening the door to the decontamination room. She washed her hands again before pressing the intercom button for entry.

  ‘Hi Tessa, it’s Stacey.’

  ‘Come on through,’ the nurse responded, buzzing open the door.

  ‘They’re in the supply room,’ Tessa informed her after they’d exchanged the usual pleasantries. Bugger, that meant they were both still here. She walked to the end of the ward, sliding open the door. Cam and Teegan were crammed up one end of the narrow room. A shelf had been cleared of supplies and they were sitting hunched over a laptop that had taken the place of the supplies on that shelf. Both looked over at the sound of the door opening.

  Teegan was dressed in the same uniform as Stacey—black pants and a maroon fitted blouse. Cameron was in his usual business suit, this time wearing a blue shirt. In concession to the late hour, perhaps, he’d removed his tie and undone the top buttons. Stacey’s eyes were drawn to the small expanse of olive skin that was visible through the opening, with a few dark hairs peaking up above the blue material of his shirt. It was the most she’d ever seen of his body and she felt as though she was seeing something forbidden.

  A stab of desire raced through her body at the sight. An image of herself leaning across him, slowly undoing each button, gradually exposing the rest of his toned, olive torso flashed into her mind and she felt her temperature go up a notch. Thankfully, she was still in a relatively dimly lit part of the room so they shouldn’t be able to see the blush that was no doubt staining her face at these thoughts.

  ‘Hi, Stace, come on over, you can share my chair for now,’ Teegan said, sliding across her seat, squishing herself up next to Cameron, which, from the look on Teegan’s face was a definite treat. Stacey wanted to barge over and squeeze herself between the two of them, but somehow she restrained herself.

  ‘Is she asleep?’ she asked, moving into the room and dropping her bag under the desk.

  ‘For about five minutes, now. She’s trying to enter slow-wave, but is having a little trouble,’ Cam answered, and she could feel his gaze on her, grazing over every inch of her face. She was supremely conscious of stray wisps of hair that had come loose from
her ponytail and were floating around the sides of her makeup free face. If she’d known he would be here, she would have made more of an effort. Not that her rather natural state seemed to faze him – there was no dimming of the heat that was scorching a path across her cheeks. His hands clenched into fists in his lap, but his gaze stayed glued to her face. She supressed the small smile of pleasure his reaction gave her.

  He’d missed her.

  Had it really only been two days since they’d spoken? Less than a week since she’d told him her plans? It felt like a lifetime had passed.

  ‘So, what’s going on? Why the third study? I thought she was going to be fine on CPAP.’ Stacey asked as she sat down next to Teegan.

  ‘CPAP failed,’ Cam answered, their eyes locking. ‘Her RDI was 22.7 last night. I think there must be a central component to at least some of her events.’

  ‘But I scored the study myself. She was mostly having hypopnoeas, with only the occasional post-arousal central.’ Stacey continued, her eyes still locked with his. She couldn’t look away. She’d forgotten how intense the blue of his eyes were.

  ‘You use piezo bands for the portable kit, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘They aren’t as sensitive and won’t pick up paradoxical breathing during the hypopnoeas. If paradoxical breathing is occurring—which I suspect is the case—it would suggest the events are caused by a failure in the respiratory drive rather than a blockage in the airway.’

  ‘Okay, so what are we doing tonight?’

  ‘We’re doing a split study—DSS and treatment. I think we’ll be using a bi-level machine, but I may prefer ASV mode. We’ll just see how the diagnostic portion goes, first.’

  ‘So that’s why you’re still here. How long are you staying?’

  ‘As long as I need to,’ he answered. They were still staring into each other’s eyes, neither willing to break away.

  ‘I think you two have it under control then,’ Teegan interrupted, standing up, breaking their gaze with her body. ‘I might head home.’

  Stacey felt colour flood her face. Had she made a fool of herself, staring at Cam like that? She’d completely forgotten Teegan was there, they’d even been sharing a seat!