A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  ‘Thanks for all your help setting this up tonight, Teegan,’ Cameron said easily.

  ‘No worries, Cam. It’s all part of the job,’ she answered, heading towards the door. Stacey turned back to the computer, taking her first solid look at the screen. Big, wide waves now scrolled across, indicating that Tamara had entered the deepest stage of sleep.

  ‘Stace.’

  Stacey flicked her head over her shoulder. Teegan was still standing at the door.

  ‘Can I have a word?’

  ‘Oh, yes, of course,’ Stacey answered, jumping up from the seat and scooting out the door. How could she have forgotten to do a proper hand-over?

  ‘Am I just unhooking everything in the morning and taking it back down to the lab?’ Stacey asked, determined to be on the ball from now on.

  ‘Yes. Leave the machine and the mask up here, but everything else goes down. Treat it like usual. The plan is for her to use the same mask you fitted her with yesterday.’

  ‘Anything else I need to know?’

  ‘Cam should be able to fill you in on the rest. Then, maybe next week you can fill me in,’ she said with a waggle of her eyebrows. ‘You’ve been hiding things, you naughty girl. What’s going on with you two?’

  ‘With who?’

  ‘Don’t play dumb. I could have sliced the tension in the air in there and fried it up for breakfast. It felt like I’d completely disappeared.’

  Stacey looked down at the ground for a moment, not wanting to go in to details. Teegan might be a friend, but there was a reason Stacey kept her personal details to herself.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. We work together, that’s all,’ Stacey said, looking back up at Teegan’s eager expression, hoping to convince her.

  ‘That is so not all. And you will tell me next week. Oooh, I can’t wait,’ she said, clapping her hands together in excitement. ‘But I’m holding you up. Go on, get back in there girl. Have fun tonight,’ she said with a final saucy wink before heading off.

  Stacey closed her eyes and banged her head lightly against the door jamb. This was the last thing she needed.

  ‘Is everything alright?’ Cameron asked her. She opened her eyes to find he’d moved from his seat and was standing in front of her, concern in his eyes. Her eyes dropped to the expanse of exposed chest again and she gulped.

  No, everything was not alright, but she couldn’t tell him that.

  ‘Fine,’ she answered, straightening up and walking past him to take her place in front of the computer. Wide, slow waves still streamed across the screen, and the girl’s respiratory signals showed a slight hint of flow limitation though her saturation levels were good.

  Cameron closed the door and Stacey felt as though all the air had been sucked from the room. She was intensely aware of every inch of Cameron’s body and exactly how far away it was from her own. When he squeezed himself between the wall and her chair she had to hold her breath, bracing against the delicious sensations that flooded her body as his stomach brushed against her shoulders.

  Eyes forward, eyes forward, she chanted to herself until he was safely ensconced in the seat next to her. Although that was only marginally better. He was still way too close for her sanity. How she was going to tolerate this for any length of time was beyond her.

  ‘Why are we in the supply cupboard?’ Stacey asked, determinedly looking at the screen.

  ‘It was the only available room, with easy access to the bedroom. Why?’ he asked, watching her closely. Stacey could feel the intensity of his gaze burning into her skin.

  ‘It’s just very small.’

  Too small.

  ‘You’re not claustrophobic, are you?’ She could hear the smile in his voice and couldn’t resist a peek. Her heart skipped a beat as his brilliant white teeth grinned across at her teasingly, his eyes glinting with humour. The way they had before the argument. It would be so easy for her to be sucked in by his charm, to fall back into their easy pattern, but that would be a mistake. A very big mistake.

  ‘No, I just. . .’ Stacey trailed off, pulling her eyes from him and looking around the room. Anywhere but at the huge presence sitting next to her.

  Remember, he’s nothing but a judgemental jerk, she told herself once she was no longer sucked into the vortex of his gaze.

  A jerk you have to work with, so focus on that. Work.

  ‘Never mind. It’s fine.’ She shrugged, looking back at the screen.

  ‘That’s not a phrase I like to hear coming from a woman. It always seems to get me into lots of trouble,’ Cam tried again, and she knew what he was doing—trying to lighten the mood. Trying to return their friendship to where it used to be. But she wasn’t playing ball. She couldn’t.

  ‘What’s the plan tonight?’

  His eyes were on her lips, and she knew he wasn’t thinking about work. He was as distracted as she was. All she wanted was for him to close the distance between them, to use his lips instead of his eyes to caress her.

  But kissing was definitely not in the plan for tonight, and she had to keep them on track. So she repeated the question, drawing his attention away from her and back to the task at hand.

  They discussed the details of the patient, reviewing her previous study together and compared the respiratory events between the two studies. Cam outlined his strategy for the night, and she went through his orders and making sure she was clear on what he wanted. It was pure torture sitting so close to Cam. She studiously ignored the intoxicating aroma of his cologne that wafted over her as they bent over the laptop together. There were only centimetres between them but it could have been metres, because it was clear that Cam had no intention of closing the gap.

  Once they were both satisfied that they were on the same page they sat back and watched the girl sleep, chatting occasionally.

  ‘Yay! REM!’ Stacey exclaimed as she watched Tamara’s EOG signals snap across the screen, mimicking the rapid eye movements of what was commonly referred to as the “dreaming” stage.

  ‘REM’s my favourite stage to watch. So much variation, and when the REMs burst across the screen I try and imagine what they’re dreaming about.’ Stacey babbled, forgetting herself in her excitement.

  ‘There’s too much risk in REM. Breathing becomes unstable, heart rate increases, events can become more severe. And don’t forget about REM sleep disordered behaviour. No, I much prefer slow-wave sleep. It’s so calm and peaceful. Barely anything can affect the steady parameters when you are in that stage.’

  Stacey glanced at him over her shoulder.

  ‘Really? But that’s so boring, playing it safe. I wouldn’t have pegged you for a—. No, wait there,’ she paused, thinking about it for a moment. His reaction to her plans made sense if she thought about it in that light. ‘I guess that kind of is you, isn’t it?’

  ‘I like to think of myself as more of a steady, stable bloke than a boring one, but otherwise that’s probably true. And I guess that means you’re a bit of a courageous risk taker?’

  Stacey dropped his gaze, looking down at her nails, almost shy.

  ‘I wouldn’t say that.’

  ‘I would.’

  Stacey looked up as Cam’s voice deepened, losing its humour.

  ‘What you plan to do, Stacey, takes a lot of courage. It is a huge risk, but with the potential for the biggest payoff around. To attempt it at all, let alone by yourself, takes a lot of guts, and I really do admire you for it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that straight away. I’m sorry about everything to do with how I reacted. I was totally out of line and you were right to call me on it.’

  Stacey blinked furiously as her eyes began to water. It felt as though a small hole in her heart healed with his words. His opinion, good or bad, shouldn’t matter this much to her.

  But it did.

  And she was glad she had her friend back.

  ‘Thank you, Cam. That means. . .so much to me.’

  ‘You should have had it from the start. I just. . .I’ve
just been in a very strange place, for a very long time, and sometimes it can warp your thinking.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Stacey asked, her curiosity piqued.

  Cam looked away from her then, focussing on the brain waves scrolling across the screen. He was silent for a long time. Stacey watched various emotions chase themselves across his face—grief, fear, uncertainty. His face finally cleared and it looked as though he was ready to tell her, whatever it was.

  But then a loud sound emanated from the laptop, a rustling as the girl woke from her REM period and rolled over.

  ‘It’s time to get in there,’ Cam said, finally looking over at her. Stacey stood up reluctantly, wishing the girl had slept for a little longer. She’d been so close to getting a glimpse of the man beneath the mask, but the moment had well and truly passed. Stacey grabbed a torch and slipped from the room, knocking quietly on the girl’s door before entering.

  ‘Hi, Tamara,’ Stacey whispered as she moved towards the bed, shining the torch in front of her so she didn’t trip on anything.

  ‘Is that you, Stacey?’ Tamara asked, her voice still clogged with sleep.

  ‘Yes, it’s me. Hope you’re not too disappointed.’

  ‘Is Doctor Cam still here?’

  ‘Yes, he is. Do you want me to get him?’

  In the pale torch light Stacey detected a faint blush staining the adolescent’s cheeks.

  ‘No! Don’t do that. I, um, he hasn’t been watching has he?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah, he has,’ Stacey said, nodding her head.

  ‘Oh, okay. It’s just. . .you can’t actually see what I’m dreaming through all these wires, can you?’ she asked, gesturing to the electrodes attached to various spots over the top of her scalp.

  ‘No, we can’t. All we see is a bunch of squiggly lines that can tell us when you are dreaming, but not what you are dreaming about.’

  It was an unusual question, and it took Stacey a moment to realise why the girl was concerned. She stifled the chuckle and sat down next to Tamara, assuring her that whatever she’d dreamed was still completely private.

  After that the girl relaxed and Stacey pulled the nasal cannula and oral-nasal thermistor off her face, replacing it with the nasal CPAP mask that sat securely over the girl’s nose. She switched on the machine and waited until Tamara was comfortable with the new settings, then left her to get back to sleep, returning to the make-shift observation room.

  ‘Is everything alright in there?’ Cam asked as she sat back down.

  ‘Yeah,’ Stacey answered distractedly. She was busy documenting the changes to the study.

  ‘What was all that talk about dreams?’

  A grin split her face, but she wouldn’t look at him, continuing to type up her notes.

  ‘Just, ah, girl stuff.’

  ‘What kind of girl stuff?’

  Stacey attempted to cast a haughty look over her shoulder, which didn’t quite work as she was still fighting the urge to giggle.

  ‘The kind nosy male doctors aren’t to know about.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘She just wanted to make sure her dreams remained private, which is a fairly reasonable concern, I would think. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to see the dreams I’ve been having lately.’

  Too late she realised she’d said too much. Cam’s antenna must’ve been pricked, because he picked up on the slip immediately.

  ‘Really? What have you been dreaming about?’

  Though the words were drawn out slowly—almost as though he didn’t care—it did nothing to stem the tide of Stacey’s embarrassment. She couldn’t help it—her face turned a bright, tomato-red.

  ‘Oh, just standard dreams,’ she answered, not meeting his eyes.

  ‘I wouldn’t think standard dreams would illicit such a delicious shade of red. You only turn this colour when you’re embarrassed, and the only kind of dreams that would embarrass you is. . .oh.’

  ‘Mmm-hmm,’ Stacey answered finally meeting his gaze, confirming his summation. She’d dropped her guard for an instant, exposing herself, and he gasped beneath the intensity of her desire.

  She pulled the guard back into place almost immediately, returning to the smooth professional image she’d managed to maintain all night. But she realised the damage was already done when Cameron shifted awkwardly in his seat. A quick glance revealed the increased pressure she’d put on his pants, and her mouth went dry at the evidence of his desire.

  ‘She’s off to sleep now,’ Stacey said, valiantly drawing her attention back to their patient. Together they watched as she moved into slow wave sleep. Stacey tweaked the settings to improve the girl’s saturation levels, but there was not a lot to do while she was in a stable sleep period.

  She felt his eyes on her constantly, but she refused to glance at him. She dug her teeth into her lips worriedly, forcing herself to concentrate intensely. She tucked loose strands of hair behind her ear endlessly as they continued to fall forward, and was almost pleased to have something to do with her hands; something that didn’t involve touching him.

  Soon, she became lost in her work, focussing on resolving each respiratory crisis as it occurred. As her success grew, and the girl’s breathing stabilised, she felt her pride swell.

  ‘How come you don’t want a man in your life?’ The sudden sound, and the words themselves caught her by surprise. Stacey whipped her head around to face him.

  ‘Are we really going there again? What’s the point in apologising if—’

  ‘No. That’s not what I meant,’ he clarified quickly. ‘Obviously you’re interested in men, and in relationships, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten married. Did your ex really do that bad a number on you that you’ve now given up all hope?’

  Stacey had managed to work here twenty months without her failed marriage ever coming up in conversation. At least this time she wasn’t bursting into tears at the mere mention of it. Maybe she was finally getting over it. At the very least, she was strong enough to talk about it now.

  ‘Yes and no,’ she answered, still deciding how much to tell him.

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Short answer: Yes, he did do that bad a number on me; no, that isn’t the reason I’ve given up on men.’

  Should she continue? She’d already opened herself up to him, exposing her most closely guarded secret. Maybe if she gave him her story he might understand why she was having a baby on her own.

  ‘And the long answer?’

  Stacey stared at the computer screen, keeping an eye on their patient so she wouldn’t have to watch his reaction. She didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes—she’d had enough of that in Sydney—from her friends; from his family; but most especially from Brian himself.

  Here goes nothing, Stacey thought, bracing herself, and then began to talk.

  ‘Brian and I started dating when we were in high school—. Love’s young dream, his Dad used to call us. But it wasn’t just Brian I fell in love with. It was his family as well. You have to understand, my childhood. . .wasn’t pleasant. I wasn’t abused or neglected, really, I just. . .was never part of the “Newman” clan. But the Tallia’s. . .they welcomed me with open arms. I felt like I’d finally found where I belonged. Mum was happy for me too. I know she always felt bad that I didn’t fit with Vince—my step-father’s—children, but she’d never been strong enough to force them to include me. Once I met Brian, though, everything seemed to fold out like a dream. We went off to uni together, we bought an apartment, got married and planned to have a family. But Brian was never ready to take that final step. He kept putting off our baby plans. “Just one more year, I promise I’ll be ready in a year,” he would say. But the year would come around and he still wouldn’t be ready.

  ‘Finally, the last year rolled around, and when I broached the subject again he told me he’d changed his mind. He didn’t want to have children now – and not for a very long time. He had too much “living” still to do. But, he assured me, he knew
how important having children was to me. So, for my sake, he thought we should get a divorce. He wanted me to move on and find a man who would give me the children I deserved.’

  ‘What a coward,’ Cam declared in disgust.

  ‘I know that, now. But then. . .I thought he was being noble. I decided to give him time, to wait until he was ready. I was so certain he would come running back to me within a month, then within two, then three. And I wasn’t alone in this belief. His mother encouraged me to wait. Until, all of a sudden she changed her tune. She started encouraging me to date other men, to try to move on, or, at the very least, to make Brian jealous. I didn’t understand at first, but then I found out that Brian was dating someone. He’d probably been dating her all along, but he’d kept it quiet those first few months. I tried to move on after that. I tried. . .but it wasn’t the same. None of them compared to Brian.’

  No one but Cam.

  ‘Then, one day, completely out of the blue, Brian asked me to lunch. Finally, I thought. Finally, he’s coming back to me. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. Instead of repairing our marriage, he’d come to terminate it for good. He asked me to sign the divorce papers there and then. He needed it to go through quickly so he could marry this Emily before their baby was born.’

  She heard Cam gasp beside her but she ignored it, lost in the memories; in the pain.

  ‘Fool that I was, I went to see his mother. I thought she’d be on my side, I’d hoped she’d talk him out of it. But I’d forgotten-you can’t join a family. You can only be born into it. And a new grandson trumps an ex daughter-in-law any day of the week. So that was that, all my dreams shattered, and my new family swept away from me in one fell swoop,’ Stacey finished with a bitter little laugh.

  Cam was silent for a moment, but Stacey dare not look at him. She was scared. She’d never opened up to anyone, never revealed so much of herself before. If he crushed her now. . .

  ‘That just plain sucks,’ he said finally.

  Stacey felt Cameron lift a comforting hand to her shoulder, patting her gently and the breath she was holding escaped in a relieved sigh. She turned to face him, quickly shrugging away from his touch.