A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  As soon as she had the door locked tears started to trickle down her face. Only a few and she wiped them away, quick smart. This, he, wasn’t worth her tears. No man was.

  She shouldn’t be upset. Whatever had been going to happen, wasn’t supposed to be emotional. She knew he liked to keep things casual. He may not have specifically told her as much, but when one person wanted a child and the other didn’t, a long-term relationship together wasn’t exactly in their future.

  Maybe he didn’t know she felt that way. What if he’d assumed she’d want a commitment? But he knew she was off men. She had said as much that very night. . .and then. . .

  Oh, no!

  Shame spiralled through her as she remembered. Less than an hour after telling him she never wanted to get involved with a man again, she’d thrown herself all over him. Oh, how could she?

  No wonder he was running scared. He probably thought she’d changed her mind about being a single mum and was now pinning all her hopes on him becoming her baby’s daddy. Nothing could be farther from the truth—but how would he know that?

  Maybe she should tell him she didn’t want anything serious; that she wasn’t looking for a father for her child, but just for a good lay. Then he might change his mind.

  No! She couldn’t do that. That was pathetic and desperate. And she might be completely wrong—if he’d changed his mind for another reason and she came along offering herself like roast pig on a platter. . .A shudder ran through her at the horrifying, humiliating thought.

  If he didn’t want her anymore, then that was up to him.

  Something flickered in her mind, an image of Cameron from this morning. His eyes. This morning, when he’d first seen her, there had been a spurt of desire in his eyes before he’d retreated behind his wall. He still wanted her, but something was stopping him. Maybe she was right, maybe she should. . .

  No! It didn’t matter why he hadn’t called; what his reasons were. She didn’t need the hassle of sorting through whatever hang-ups he had.

  But she did need a guy. Stacey could see that now. She didn’t need a boyfriend, or a husband, but her body needed a man. She’d been naïve to think she could live a full, sexless life.

  And she had Cam to thank for that—for making her aware of this physical need within her. Well, maybe she wouldn’t thank him, because he’d left her wholly unsatisfied. But she could do something to rectify that situation. She just needed to figure out what.

  ‘Saturday night is going to be awesome.’

  The words filtered over Cam’s head as he made himself a coffee in the staff tea room. Two of the scientists – Teegan and Matt – were having lunch and discussing their weekend plans.

  ‘I know. Have you asked Jimmy yet? I think he’d be great for Stacey.’

  Cam’s ears pricked up when he heard her name. His head straightened, tense, but he made a conscious effort to relax and keep stirring his coffee. Stacey was not his concern anymore. He’d made sure of that.

  ‘Nah, Jimmy’s band is playing at the Opal ‘till ten—’

  A rocker? Stacey wouldn’t like a rocker.

  ‘That’s perfect. We’ll get there about nine and catch some tunes. There’s nothing hotter than a guy who can sing.’

  Cameron’s hand clenched tight around his coffee mug, so tight that if it had been Styrofoam he would have crushed it. He shouldn’t be listening to this. He needed to pick up his coffee and take it back to his office as planned. But he couldn’t. Some masochistic part of him had to stay here and listen. So he stood with his back to the table, stirring his coffee, pretending not to listen.

  ‘I don’t want to hear that.’

  ‘Aw, Matty. I’m sure you get plenty of action without having to sing.’

  ‘Not as much as Jimmy does. Are you sure you want to set Stacey up with him? She’s too nice for the type of hook-up Jimmy is into.’

  ‘I know. But she swears black and blue she doesn’t want a relationship. She just wants a causal fling.’

  Casual? Stacey? That was never going to happen. It was one of the reasons Cam had not pursued her. His life depended on keeping things casual. And nothing with Stacey would ever be casual. No matter how much she denied it, Stacey was the relationship type.

  ‘But—’

  ‘But nothing. That girl has been through her own special kind of hell these last two years and she deserves to have some fun. And who knows, maybe Jimmy will fall for her.’ Something twisted inside Cameron at the thought, but he ignored it.

  This was a good thing, he said to himself. It’s what he wanted to happen. It was why he hadn’t called her.

  But if it’s what he wanted to happen, then why did the thought of Stacey having fun with someone else hurt so much?

  ‘Not likely, but I guess if she’s just after a bit of fun then he’s the guy to go to. So, did you watch that DVD I lent you?’

  As the conversation drifted to a new topic, Cameron picked up his mug and left the room, deep in thought.

  He’d been trying his hardest to forget about Stacey all week. So far he’d been supremely unsuccessful. He couldn’t stop thinking about her—her smile, the feel of her as she’d moved on top of him that night. He’d wanted her so much—too much. He still wanted her. He’d even started dreaming about her.

  Countless times over the weekend he’d picked up his phone, searching for her number. He’d had it up on the display, his thumb hovering above the call button. But each time he’d put the phone back down.

  He liked to think he was doing the noble thing—and protecting Stacey. But deep down, in a place he barely acknowledged, he knew he was scared.

  Because he liked Stacey.

  He really liked her.

  And if he spent more time with her, if he took things further, then he might start wanting things. Things he shouldn’t even think about, like love, marriage, children. And they were things he could never, ever have.

  Music blared from the speakers near the stage. Bodies throbbed on the dance floor in the dim lighting, the smell of sweat and alcohol overwhelming. At a nearby table a group of women shrieked with laughter. The pub was packed, and everybody seemed to be having a great time.

  Everyone except Stacey.

  She glanced discreetly down at her watch again. Only ten thirty. There’s no way Teegan would let her go home yet, but if she played her cards right, she might be able to slide out of here by eleven, and be back home in bed by eleven thirty.

  Come on eleven!

  Coming out had been a mistake. Stacey had known that almost as soon as she’d walked into the pub an hour ago, but Teegan, Matt and a couple of other girls from work were all here. They were so excited she’d joined them that she didn’t have the heart to walk straight back out.

  So now here she was, sitting at a table near the dance floor, waiting for Teegan and Matt to come back from the bar with their drinks. The others were up on the dance floor grooving away. They’d left her alone with Matt’s friend Jimmy who’d been playing in the band when they first arrived. Although she appreciated the intention, Stacey really wished they’d hurry up and come back.

  Though he wasn’t conventionally good-looking, Jimmy definitely had the brooding rocker-look down pat with his dark chin-length hair, two-day stubble, and dark, deep-set eyes. She should be happy. This is what she’d asked for, after-all. But Jimmy just didn’t do it for her. There was no spark, no skipping of her heart, like there was with Cameron.

  Forget about Cameron, she ordered herself sternly. That was never going to happen. He’d certainly made that clear enough by avoiding her whenever possible at work this past week. He hadn’t even come by the lab to look over studies in the afternoon. Even when they’d been fighting over her baby, he’d still come by. Whatever had been between them, even the friendship, was over. She needed to move on.

  Just not with Jimmy.

  ‘Do you want to dance?’ Stacey jumped, startled by the throaty whisper in her ear. She flinched as Jimmy’s lips lightly brushed her
skin and his breath, potent with alcohol, invaded her senses.

  ‘No, thanks.’ Stacey said, moving her head away. ‘I’ll just wait for the drinks.’ Thankfully he pulled back, shrugging his shoulders as if to say “your choice” and leaned back in his chair. Stacey was relieved until he moved his arm up to rest it over the back of her chair. Her skin crawled where it brushed against his arm. She leaned forward in her seat, shrugging his arm off her back and scanning the crowd for her friends.

  It was all Cameron’s fault she was here, Stacey thought, a burst of anger spurting through her. She wouldn’t be in this dark and noisy pub if he’d called her. Instead, they’d probably be somewhere together right now, preferably in bed.

  Why hadn’t he called? He still wanted her. She could see it when he looked at her, she could still feel the attraction. It just didn’t make sense for him to pull back. And on top of that, he’d ignored her all week.

  Well, okay, so maybe he hadn’t ignored her as a work colleague, but he’d refused to enter into any sort of personal discussion with her. Any time she’d tried to broach the topic he’d shut her down, telling her it wasn’t the time or the place for such a conversation. It was a cop out. He’d just left her high and dry with no explanation.

  So now she was here, pretending to like the music, being hit on by slimy guys and she just wanted to leave.

  ‘Hey, sorry we took so long. There was a massive line-up,’ Teegan called out, as she pushed her way through the crowd, setting her and Stacey’s drinks on the table before pulling out the chair opposite Stacey. A moment later Matt sat down next to her, placing his and Jimmy’s drinks on the table.

  ‘How are you guys going?’ Teegan asked, a hopeful look on her face.

  Oh, dear. Teegan really wanted things to work out between her and Jimmy. There was no chance of that, but Stacey didn’t have the heart to disappoint her friend. Soon, just not yet.

  Instead of answering, Stacey ducked her head and focused on her drink, sucking deeply on the straw of her vodka and orange juice. Maybe she’d taken the wrong approach. Maybe alcohol would help relax her a little.

  ‘Great,’ Jimmy answered, finally removing his arm from the back of her chair as he reached for his own drink. ‘We’re going to have a dance after we finish up here.’

  Stacey’s head shot up, first looking over at Jimmy, then back at her friends.

  ‘I didn’t agree to that,’ Stacey denied quickly.

  The smile on Teegan’s face dimmed a little. Instantly Stacey felt bad, but the simmering anger inside her, fuelled by the alcohol she was guzzling, squashed that feeling pretty quickly. If Teegan was so interested in the guy, she should hook up with him herself. Stacey swallowed the words, and focussed on her drink again.

  ‘But you will soon,’ Jimmy said, smiling assuredly. Stacey saw him wink at Teegan and her stomach rolled again.

  She couldn’t do this any longer. She’d have to make it up to Teegan some other time. She sucked the remains of the drink through the straw and placed the glass back on the table.

  ‘I’m going to have to head off, guys,’ Stacey said as she leaned down to grab her bag from under the table.

  ‘Aw, no, Stace. Stay, please,’ Teegan begged.

  ‘The night’s barely started,’ Matt chimed in.

  ‘No guys, I’ve really got to go. Can you say goodbye to the others for me?’ She asked, rising from the table.

  ‘Yeah, sure. Have a good night.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Stacey waved a hand in the direction of the table as she moved towards the door.

  ‘Was it something I said?’ She heard Jimmy ask the guys once her back was turned.

  Yes! Stacey wanted to scream at him as Teegan rushed to assure him it wasn’t. But to be fair, it wasn’t just him. If she looked at it objectively, it wasn’t that he was bad looking, or all that creepy, really. He just wasn’t Cam.

  The simmering anger burst through again as she made her way to the taxi rank. He’d managed to ruin her night without even being here. He had no idea what he’d done to her, awakening her sexuality, giving her the briefest glimpse of how good sex could be, and then snatching it away without a word.

  Well, it was about time he found out.

  ‘I win again!’

  Cameron looked up from the television screen towards his brother, Brad, who was standing in the centre of his lounge room pumping his hand in the air in a sign of triumph. He threw the controller onto the coffee table in disgust.

  ‘Although I have to say you were never this easy to beat before. Is everything alright?’

  ‘Yes!’ No!

  “Cos you haven’t been the best of company tonight, either.’

  Cameron ignored his brother, getting up off the sofa and moving into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. His brother was being unusually perceptive tonight but Cam didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it, either, but he couldn’t seem to stop the thoughts. Nothing was holding his concentration, not even a drag racing championship on his beloved Play Station. All he could think about was Stacey, out meeting guys, smiling at them, touching them, kissing them.

  Ugh! This had to stop! He held the beer to his eyes, hoping the chill of the glass would wipe the images from his mind.

  ‘Another?’ he asked Brad, reaching into the fridge automatically. At his nod, Cam grabbed the beer and popped the lid.

  ‘Do you want to go another round?’ he asked as he sat back down on the sofa, stretching his legs out in front of him, and taking a swig of his beer.

  ‘Nah, I don’t think it’d be right to knock a man when he’s down, which you clearly are. Are you going to tell me her name?’

  ‘Whose?’

  ‘The broad that’s put you in this mood. Even for you, it’s pretty sour, and that’s saying something.’

  ‘There’s no woman.’ Yes there is.

  ‘Is it that Stacey chick? You know, the one who helped you buy those presents for Kaidee?’

  ‘No!’ Cameron bit out, jumping off the sofa and storming out to the balcony. He leaned against the rail, looking out over the inky blackness of the Brisbane River. He could see the bright lights of the city around the bend in the river and, again, thought about going out. He knew where she was. Teegan had tagged her in their location on Facebook. He could just turn up. It wouldn’t look that weird, especially if he brought his brother. Just two guys, on a night out, bumping into some friends from work.

  But what would he do once he was there? Sit and stew? Because there was no way he could put the moves on her now. He’d completely destroyed any chance of that. Not that he would go there; his reasoning for backing away was still completely valid. Even if he was having trouble remembering exactly what that reasoning was.

  ‘Geez, don’t bite my head off, mate,’ Brad said, following him out onto the balcony.

  ‘I’m sorry, man. It’s not you, I just. . .I’m really screwed up.’

  ‘So what’s new?’

  ‘Huh, yeah, I know.’ Cameron looked back out at the river and took another swig of his beer. ‘Your right, by the way, about Stacey.’

  ‘I always am.’ Cameron snorted with laughter at his brother’s superior tone. ‘So, what happened?’

  ‘Nothing, really. I started something I shouldn’t have. I stopped it, but—’

  ‘Why’d you do something stupid like that?’

  Cameron looked over at Brad, an eyebrow arched.

  ‘You’re not still punishing yourself for what happened with Tyler, are you? I know what happened was tragic, painful and all manner of horrible adjectives, but you are allowed to have a life.’

  ‘I’ve got a life.’

  ‘A real life, man. Not this shadow of a life you’ve been leading. You need to have some fun, and maybe even think about settling down again one day and—’

  ‘Don’t even say it. I am not EVER going to have another child.’

  ‘Okay. Okay. Geez, don’t shoot me for having an idea,’ Brad said, holding his
hands up in surrender. ‘You could still, you know, date a woman occasionally.’

  ‘And what? Give them false hope that I’m looking for a future with them, a future that might involve children? No, man. It’s better all round if I stick to casual, fly-by-night semi-relationships. That way no-one will get hurt.’

  Cam stared back out at the river, watching a ferry glide past, and took another swig of his beer.

  ‘So what’s with this Stacey, then?’

  ‘She wants a kid.’

  ‘What? With you?’

  ‘No. With. . .ah, it’s complicated. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I don’t think she’ll ever talk to me again. Not after this week.’

  It still cut Cameron to the quick, remembering the pain in Stacey’s face when she realised he’d been out golfing on the weekend. He could be a right bastard sometimes and he didn’t deserve anyone as special as Stacey in his life, even for a moment.

  ‘Ah, well, them’s the breaks, I guess. Do you want to go another round?’ Brad asked, nodding his head towards the television.

  ‘Sure, why not compound the misery. It seems to be the night for it.’

  Cameron drained the last of his bottle, casting a final glance towards the city lights before heading back inside.

  Two rounds later and Cameron’s form was finally starting to improve. They were partway through a circuit when his intercom buzzer rang.

  ‘What was that?’ Brad asked, pausing the game.

  ‘The door, but I don’t know who’d be coming around this time of night. You didn’t order more pizza, did you?’ Cameron asked as he made his way towards the intercom.

  ‘Nah, man, it wasn’t me.’

  ‘Hello?’ Cam asked as he depressed the button.

  ‘We need to talk.’ His heart thudded in his chest as he recognised Stacey’s dulcet tones.

  ‘Stacey! Hi, uh, what are you doing here?’

  ‘As I said, we need to talk. Now we can do it out here if you want the entire street to know what a complete-’

  Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  Stacey was cut off by the sound of the buzzer as Cameron unlocked the door.