Listening to Love

by Beth Wiseman

  “I know. And I’m going to run out of funds for school if I keep giving it to her. She’s just always so pitiful, and despite everything, she’s my mom, and I love her. I just want her to snap out of this.”

  “I don’t know anything about divorce, but I would think it takes a long time to recover from the heartache.” Lucas looked at the clock on his nightstand and yawned again.

  “I hear you yawning. I’ve kept you up too long. I know you get up way earlier than I do, even on Saturdays.”

  “Let me know how it goes with your mamm tomorrow.”

  “I will. Maybe slip in a prayer or two about that. I try to show her compassion. It’s hard sometimes.”

  Lucas agreed to pray for Natalie and her mother’s lunch the following day. After they said good night, he kept his word and prayed for Cecelia—that she would find peace and happiness in whatever way God saw fit.

  When he closed his eyes to sleep, he saw Natalie’s face. But that wasn’t anything new. Like Natalie, he was going to trust the Lord where their relationship was concerned.

  * * *

  Cecelia strummed her fingers on the table as she waited for Natalie. After a heavy sigh, she picked up her cell phone to check the time. Her daughter was almost twenty minutes late.

  Her eyes darted to the door of the small restaurant when it opened, but an older couple walked in and went straight to the counter. Cecelia would have chosen somewhere else for lunch, but Natalie loved Stop N Sea. And since her daughter always paid, it was hard to argue about where to eat. The quaint restaurant served good fish sandwiches, but Cecelia wondered if Natalie chose the eatery because it was run by Amish women. Natalie had developed a fondness for the Plain folks, maybe too much so, in Cecelia’s opinion.

  Mary and Levi were her closest friends, and she spent every Friday night at their house. Other than that, Natalie stayed in her apartment if she wasn’t in class. When Cecelia called, she always said she was reading. Cecelia could remember a time when Natalie never would have been at home on a Friday night. But the girlfriends she used to have had slowly slipped away. Cecelia wasn’t sure if that was Natalie’s doing or theirs.

  An Amish woman pulled her from her thoughts as she placed a large Styrofoam cup in front of her. “I thought you might like some tea while you wait.”

  Cecelia shook her head as she looked up at the young woman. “No, I didn’t order this.” She picked up the cup to give it back. “I don’t want to pay for something I didn’t order.”

  The Amish girl waved a hand. “It’s no charge, ma’am. But can I get you something else?”

  “Diet Coke, please.” Cecelia was finally warm enough to unwrap the scarf from around her neck and take off her coat. She set them on the chair next to her, where she’d put her purse. Then she dug through her bag until she found her wallet, deciding that if Natalie didn’t show in a few minutes, she was leaving. She’d tried to call her daughter repeatedly, but the calls went straight to voice mail.

  Cecelia held up a five-dollar bill when the Amish girl returned with her drink. The girl waved her off again. “It’s complimentary. You’ve been waiting for a long time.” She smiled before she left.

  Four teenage Amish girls were scrambling around in the small area behind the counter, and an older woman squeezed in and out, often heading to a room in the back. Maybe Cecelia would use the five dollars for a fish sandwich if her daughter didn’t show up. Cecelia couldn’t imagine what was keeping her.

  Natalie burst into the small restaurant and hurried to where Cecelia was sitting. “I’m so sorry, Mom.” Her teeth chattered as she pulled off her black gloves, then rubbed her hands together. “I had a flat tire.”

  Cecelia raised an eyebrow. “Did you change it?”

  Natalie pushed back the hood of her coat. “No. I was going to try even though I’ve never done it before, but it started snowing right as I pulled off the road, and I changed my mind. I pulled out my phone to call someone for help, but it was dead. Thankfully, an Amish buggy pulled up behind me, and the man offered to change the tire for me.” She chuckled. “I was kinda surprised he knew how.”

  “Did you have to pay him?” Cecelia took a sip of her Diet Coke. “I mean, you probably should have, but . . .”

  Natalie unzipped her coat. “No. I tried to give him twenty dollars. That’s all the cash I had on me, but he wouldn’t take it. I just got my heater fixed this morning, and I felt guilty sitting in my warm car while he worked out in the snow.” She reached for the large cup of tea still sitting on the table and took a few sips. “I’m not surprised though. All of the Amish people I’ve met are like that, generous and kind.”

  “There are good and bad in every religion and walk of life, but luckily one of the good guys helped you.” Cecelia had been around the Amish folks most of her life with so many Old Order districts in the area. But she’d never gotten close to any of them. She had nothing in common with those people, and they didn’t go out of their way to befriend outsiders anyway.

  “I’m not surprised your father never taught you how to change a tire. I don’t know how either.” Cecelia heard the bitterness creeping into her voice and remembered she’d promised Natalie to try to keep her feelings about Tom to herself.

  Natalie scanned the large sign across the room that listed the lunch offerings. “Do you know what you want?”

  Once they’d both settled on a fish sandwich, Natalie went to the counter to order. When she returned, Cecelia got right to the point. “Natalie, I’m almost completely out of money.”

  Her daughter hung her head for a few seconds and didn’t say anything. If Natalie had any idea how hard this was for her to admit, she wouldn’t give her any grief about it.

  Natalie lifted her head and sighed.

  Cecelia avoided her eyes. “Please don’t tell me to get a job. I’ve tried.” She finally looked up at her daughter. “I went to that recruiting agency you told me about. They don’t have anything right now, but they have my résumé on file.” She rolled her eyes. “If you want to call it a résumé. Helping your troop sell the most Girl Scout cookies isn’t really job worthy, nor is maintaining a household, cooking, or any of the other things I spent my life doing for your father.”

  Cecelia cleared her throat when Natalie narrowed her eyebrows. Her daughter had been known to get up and walk away if a conversation about her father turned sour. Cecelia knew Natalie was mad at Tom, too, or at least hurt and disappointed, but she didn’t like to hear Cecelia say anything negative about him. “Anyway, I’ll keep looking.”

  “How much do you need?” Natalie took off her blue scarf and shed her coat on the back of her chair.

  Cecelia lowered her eyes, humiliated again that she was in this position. “Whatever you’ve got to spare, I suppose.” She couldn’t tell Natalie that she owed almost twenty thousand dollars on her credit cards. After Tom left, her only comfort had been buying expensive things she didn’t really need, like a six-hundred-dollar pressure cooker when she had no one to cook for. And the pair of diamond earrings that Tom never would buy her, probably because they cost almost two thousand dollars. The list went on and on, and now the piper had come calling in the way of high credit card installments, and she was behind on her mortgage. She also had utility bills, a car payment, insurance, phone bills, and everything else that totaled a good sum of money. And her measly divorce settlement was long gone.

  The worst part about getting money from Natalie—aside from the humiliation—was that she was cutting into her daughter’s college fund. She wondered how much Natalie had left. She’d paid her college tuition, bought books for the semester, and already given Cecelia way more money than she deserved. Natalie had also purchased a newer used SUV, an upgrade to the one she’d been driving. This newer vehicle had four-wheel drive, which was almost a must-have in southern Indiana.

  Cecelia regretted that they hadn’t bought Natalie a better car for the winter weather when she’d turned sixteen. Natalie told Cecelia she’d paid cash for the
SUV. Cecelia would have advised her to finance the vehicle and hold on to her cash for school. It was an amusing thought since Cecelia hadn’t handled her own financial situation well at all. But Natalie had never managed a large sum of money like what she’d received from the sale of Adeline’s piano.

  Natalie got out her checkbook, wrote an amount, and handed her a check for a thousand dollars. “Is this enough?”

  It wasn’t even close, but Cecelia nodded, fighting the tears building in the corners of her eyes, and forced a smile. “How was your Friday night visit with Mary and Levi? The weather was horrible. I heard on the radio that it was pretty icy between Shoals and Montgomery.”

  “It was good. I figured the roads would be bad, so I took Lucas home after dinner, and I stayed at Levi and Mary’s.”

  “Who’s Lucas?” This was a name Cecelia hadn’t heard before.

  “He’s Levi’s brother.” Natalie left her chair when one of the girls called her name from behind the counter, and after she brought back their baskets of food, she said, “The road from Shoals to Orleans was icy, though not too bad in the car, but it would have been hard on Lucas’s horse to make the trip.”

  Cecelia thought she heard a mild alarm go off somewhere in the back of her mind. “Is Lucas at your dinners—or suppers, as the Amish call it—every Friday night?” The weekly get-togethers had been going on for months.

  “Yes, but before you get all wound up, Lucas and I are just friends.” She rolled her eyes as she unwrapped her sandwich. “There seems to be concern that we’re at risk of becoming more than friends. Can’t a guy and girl just be friends without making a thing out of it?”

  “I didn’t say a word. But who’s showing concern?”

  Natalie finished chewing a bite of her fish sandwich and swallowed. “Mary brought it up, citing the obvious—that he’s Amish and I’m not. She thinks one of us is going to get hurt.”

  Cecelia’s chest tightened. If Natalie’s closest friend had concerns, then maybe there was reason to worry. “Why would someone get hurt if it’s not a romantic relationship?”

  Natalie actually smiled. “Thank you. Exactly. That’s what I had to explain to Mary, that Lucas and I are just friends.”

  Cecelia nibbled on her sandwich. There was something about the way her daughter said “Lucas.” Did Natalie hear how dreamy her voice sounded at the mention of his name?

  There was no way Cecelia would be okay if Natalie fell in love with an Amish man, nor did she want her daughter distracted by a silly crush that had nowhere to go. Even if Natalie ran out of money before Cecelia got her act together, she’d find a way to get her daughter through college somehow. Neither Cecelia nor Tom had a college degree. She wanted Natalie to have a career income so she could take care of herself and not end up like Cecelia—unqualified to do much of anything and borrowing money from her child.

  Knowing her money situation threatened to destroy Natalie’s education more than anything else, Cecelia’s heart ached. Natalie thought she was selfish, she was sure. But if her daughter had any idea how much Cecelia loved her, she’d know that Cecelia was plagued with regret and depression. Each morning, she awoke with a plan to change, to better herself, even if it was for Natalie’s sake. But she was failing.

  “Maybe Lucas is looking for a way to leave his people?” Cecelia finally said. “A relationship with an outsider would make that easier, unless he’s been baptized already. Then he’d be shunned. Just be careful he doesn’t become attached to you for the wrong reasons.”

  Natalie shook her head. “No, he hasn’t been baptized, but he would never leave his district. His family is really conservative. His mother doesn’t even have a propane oven. She still uses a wood oven to cook in. No cell phones allowed. For that matter, no phones at all, not even in a shanty.” She paused to take a sip of tea. “And no refrigerators. They use blocks of ice to keep things cold. They get the ice from a non-Amish neighbor.”

  Cecelia dabbed her mouth with her napkin and nodded. “They are Swartzentruber Amish.”

  Natalie tipped her head to one side, her eyebrows narrowing. “No, they’re Old Order.”

  “Well, yes, they are Old Order, but Swartzentruber Amish normally don’t even mingle with other Old Order districts who are more liberal. A former Amish woman explained that to me years ago. I’m surprised Levi’s family was okay with him getting married to your friend Mary.”

  “It was going to happen with or without Levi’s family blessing the union, so I’m glad they didn’t balk too much. I think they fell in love with Mary, too, but I hear what you’re saying. Mary’s family isn’t very conservative. They use solar panels, allow cell phones, and use propane for their ovens and refrigerators.”

  Cecelia shook her head. “I know, and I think that’s hypocritical. They brag to the world how they are detached and living the simple life, but they’ve brought modern technology into their homes.”

  “They’re just changing with the times, Mom.” Natalie glared at her a little. “And it’s not our place to judge. Only God can do that.”

  There had been a lot of mentions of God lately. The college she chose could explain Natalie’s new interest in religion, but Cecelia suspected some of it had to do with Levi and Mary, or this Lucas fellow. Cecelia and Tom hadn’t raised Natalie or her brother in church. They hadn’t been brought up in families who went to church either.

  As Cecelia grew older, she regretted that she hadn’t gone to church or taken her children when they were growing up. Without that foundation, she now found it difficult to have a relationship with God. Maybe if she had been introduced to Him when she was a child, she wouldn’t feel so awkward when she prayed. Maybe if she knew more about God, He would show her how to make some sort of sense out of her life. She wondered if Natalie also struggled with that and was searching for answers.

  Her daughter could be vulnerable when it came to God, and an Amish person might not be the best to show her the way. Their religion was rigid and filled with rules uncommon to other denominations. Even though Natalie had chosen to attend Oakland City because it was less expensive than other colleges—and closer to home—the theological exposure might be the saving grace that kept her from being lured into the Amish world. Cecelia’s son was grown and too far away for her to have much influence on his decisions, but in a recent phone conversation with Sean, he told her he’d been going to church. She was pleased with that news. If he’d said he was attending an Amish worship service, she would have been concerned.

  “Anyway,” Natalie said, “Levi and Mary’s families are making it work. Levi and Mary made a lot of compromises when they got married, each giving up or accepting some things the other wasn’t comfortable with.”

  Cecelia took a deep breath and stifled the urge to grumble about Tom not making any concessions when it came to their marriage.

  “Actually, they’re having both families to their house next Saturday so they can all get to know each other better. And it makes sense to have the gathering in Shoals because it’s right in the middle of Montgomery and Orleans. I love being around Mary’s family. I’ve only been around Levi and Lucas’s a couple of times. Mary invited me to come to the get-together on Saturday.” Natalie chuckled. “Mary only has one sister, but Levi and Lucas’s family is huge. There are ten kids, if you include Levi, and apparently they’re bringing some other family members as well.”

  An opportunity had opened up, a chance to see who this Lucas fellow was, and to learn more about Natalie’s relationship with her Amish friends.

  “Maybe I could go with you.” Cecelia looked down at her plate and pinched a piece of fish from her sandwich, deciding the bread was too heavy today. When she looked up, she expected Natalie to be frowning and plotting ways to tell her no. Their relationship had been rocky throughout the divorce, and Natalie kept Cecelia at arm’s length most of the time, only seeing her for the occasional lunch. There was a time when they had been close, and she wished they could get back to that place. Cecelia
braced herself for rejection, but her daughter smiled.

  “I think it would be nice for you to come. You don’t get out enough. And there will be tons of good food.” She paused, and then the frown came. “You’re going to be nice, right? In the past you’ve made fun of the Amish people.”

  “I don’t make fun of them.” She didn’t agree with their backward ways, and she didn’t condone the rule breaking by some who tried to portray themselves one way but acted another, but she wouldn’t do anything to embarrass Natalie. “Of course I’ll be nice. They are your friends.” Cecelia laid her napkin across her plate. “Speaking of . . . What happened to your friends from school and work that you used to run around with? You practically grew up at Monica’s house and she at ours. I haven’t heard you mention her in a long time.”

  Natalie shrugged. “All they want to do is party and shop. I don’t care about going to bars and drinking. And I don’t feel the need to buy a designer purse I can’t afford.”

  Cecelia swallowed hard as she thought about the expensive items she’d purchased since the divorce, which included a designer purse she couldn’t afford.

  “I like being around Mary. She likes me for the person inside, and she couldn’t care less if I had a dollar store purse or a Michael Kors.” She paused, slumping in her chair. “I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my old friends choosing the lifestyle that works for them. It just wasn’t working for me. As for Monica, I still see her sometimes, but she has a boyfriend now, so she spends most of her time with him.”

  They were quiet for a few minutes.

  “Mom, there’s been so much turmoil in my life the last couple years. I need some peace. I’m more relaxed when I’m with my Amish friends.”

  Cecelia could use a little peace in her life, too, but she wasn’t sure being overly friendly with the Amish was going to help her in that effort. But being closer to Natalie would. “I’ll be looking forward to spending time with you and your friends.”