Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  I don’t know what our ending holds, but I know that I can’t let fear keep me from finding out. Liv, you were a part of some of my most essential dashes in the past, and I want you to be a part of all of them in the future. So, if you’re still in, know that I’m ready and I’m sure. I can’t promise that I won’t get scared or have doubts from time to time, but know that I love you and I see a future for us if you still want one. God, I hope you still want one.

  All of my love,

  Jordan

  I sigh as I slip the letter inside the bulging folder containing the printed work. I could have saved the document to a thumb drive and presented it to Olivia but elected to print it when I recalled Olivia telling me she always buys a physical copy of my work, despite reading everything else digitally. I don’t know what sharing this with her will mean for us, but I know it has to happen. After being up all night, worried about all possible outcomes, I’m prepared to face my fate. Or, as ready as I can be. My stomach twists in knots as I slip the folder into my messenger bag and grab the travel tumbler I filled with coffee while the letter printed. I secure my earbuds in place, taking a sip of coffee as I hit shuffle on my library, not entirely sure what I’m in the mood for. I nearly choke when the opening chords of The Eagle’s Witchy Woman ooze out of the headphones. It’s almost too perfect, yet I have no idea what kind of omen it is.

  Raven hair and ruby lips

  Sparks fly from her fingertips

  Don Henley begins singing as I think of Olivia. I expel a heavy breath, trying to ease the anxiety that’s gnawing away at me, as I open the back door and step out into the warm early morning air. Artemis and Apollo gallop up to the sliding door, the heavy tromp of their paws slapping against the floor echoing over the sound emitted from my earbuds. Their tails twitch as they impatiently stare at me, waiting for permission to exit the house.

  “Go on then,” I order as I point to the catio. I barely finish the command before the pair bolt out of the house, their destination the enclosed play and lounging space whose door sits open, waiting for them. Apollo beats Artemis to the enclosure, but knows the score and wisely avoids the perch Artemis long ago claimed as her throne. I chuckle as I follow behind the pair, securing the door as they chase one another, leaping from the ground to the perch, dashing across the tree limb, Artemis tackling Apollo back to the ground, repeating the cycle over and over again. I’ve spent a countless amount of time watching the pair in the catio, always finding it far more entertaining than most television shows. I should get them some catnip later. Maybe I can pick up lunch for mom, I randomly think as I watch the duo play, grateful that they don’t do this in the house.

  All right, I think as I pull in a deep breath when the pair finally tires. I glance at my phone and see that it’s just after 7. Still early. I’m sure Olivia is awake, but I need to clear my head and try to calm down a bit before I go to see her.

  *****

  Last year’s fallen leaves crunch under my feet as I step out of the woods and into the small clearing. The Joan Jett song I had been singing along to dies in my throat as I look around me. The ground that should be overgrown with long tendrils of grass and weeds has been mowed. Olivia must be taking care of the space, for whatever reason. I fondly remember all the nights we would erect Jim’s tent and camp out here, pretending that we were the only two people in the world. I look to my right and sure enough, find the fire pit we built, the small crater in the ground surrounded by the various rocks we scoured the area to find. But it all fleetingly holds my attention as I turn to the maple tree that we planted, slowly making my way to it as I marvel at how much it’s grown. I reach out to run my hand along the trunk and let out a shrill scream and jump back when another hand enters my peripheral view, making its way towards mine.

  “Jordan, it’s me,” Olivia exclaims as panic surges through my body. Lexa comes bounding over; her ears perked up in full alert and the fur along her hackles raised as she scans the area for the threat.

  “Jesus, Liv. You scared the shit out of me,” I exclaim as I remove my earbuds and battle my fight or flight response.

  “I’m sorry. I thought for sure you saw the beast galloping around. Are you okay?” she asks as she tentatively reaches for me.

  “Yeah,” I confirm as I step into her space, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips as her arms slip around me.

  “That’s what I was missing this morning,” she softly purrs as I rest my head against her shoulder.

  “Me too. What are you doing out here?” I ask as I step back and clasp her hand.

  “I imagine the same thing you are…going for a walk,” she says with a smirk and chuckle, causing me to shake my head as I grin. “I try to take Lexa on a long walk in the morning if I know I’m going to be gone most of the day.” My gaze shifts back to the tree as I scratch a still alert Lexa in an attempt to reassure her that everything is fine. “I’m happy that she’s ready to protect you if the need were ever to arise,” Olivia says as she presses her lips to my temple. I hum in acknowledgment as I continue staring at the lone tree in the clearing. “It’s going to be majestic one day.”

  “It’s well on its way,” I observe as I press myself more firmly against Olivia.

  “I’m glad you talked me out of carving our initials into a random tree in the woods.”

  “This better represents love,” I inform her, earning a confused look. “If the tree survives, it continues to grow. Sure, it has seasons and looks different depending on the time of the year, but love is the same way. There are always times you’ll feel like you couldn’t love your partner more than you do, just like there will inevitably be moments when you’ll wonder if it’s worth it. But in the end, the leaves always come back to remind you of its beauty, the same way you inevitably remember why you love someone.”

  “Have I mentioned that I love the way your beautiful mind works?” Olivia asks as she steps between me and the maple and pulls me into her arms.

  “That was more than a little cheesy,” I admit as my arms fall around her waist.

  “Maybe, but you weren’t wrong. You said the tree keeps growing, just like my love for you does. I love you more every day, Jordan.” I feel her hand slip from my waist as she raises it to cup my cheek, her adoring gaze locked on me as her fingers slowly trail to the side of my neck and draw me to her. The warmth of the sun on my skin is nothing compared to the heat surging through my body as the languid kiss carries on, the soft brush of Olivia’s tongue against mine somehow making me forget everything, until I feel her shift the messenger bag slightly as she slides her hand under the hem of my shirt. The slight bumping of the bag against my hip is enough to extinguish some of the intensity of the kiss, reminding me that there is still a giant pink elephant in our relationship that needs to be addressed. I slowly disengage from the kiss in an effort to hide my concerns that this might be the last time I feel the press of her lips against mine, the last time that I’ll feel the press of her body as I hold her in my arms. “Maybe we should have planted an evergreen,” she whispers against my ear as I cling tightly to her.

  “Maybe, but you’d lose the metaphor.”

  “Or maybe I’d be changing the metaphor,” she replies as her lips brush the sensitive skin below my ear. “Is everything okay?” she asks as she pulls away slightly, her forehead wrinkled and her eyes radiating concern.

  “I love you,” I answer as I reach up and brush the errant strand of wavy black hair from her face.

  “But?” she questions, her brows raising slightly. I shake my head and smile at her as I lift myself onto my toes and give her a lingering kiss.

  “I love you,” I assure her as my fingers trail over her cheek.

  “That’s the first time you’ve said it,” she observes as she smiles broadly. “You still haven’t told me what’s on your mind though,” she adds as her fingers skim over the flesh along my lower back. “Is your project still giving you fits? Did you come out here to write?” she asks as she runs her fingers alon
g the strap of the bag.

  “No. I was on my way to see you,” I admit, earning another smile.

  “Taking the scenic route?” she teases before kissing my forehead.

  “It seems that way,” I murmur as I possessively clutch her hips.

  “I’m glad I got to see you, but I have to get going soon.”

  “I know,” I answer as I release her and take a step back. “Take this with you,” I tell her as I slip the strap over my head and hand the bag to her.

  “Did you finish it last night?” she asks, a proud smile adorning her lips as she takes the bag from me. “How am I supposed to focus today knowing I have the next Jordan Cohen novel waiting for me to read it?”

  “Just don’t stab yourself again,” I order with a weak smile as I brush my thumb over the scar on her left palm.

  “I won’t,” she answers as her right hand tilts my chin up to look at her. “It’s going to be amazing. Don’t worry,” she assures me as she leans in and kisses me. “I’ve gotta get going,” she informs me as she rests her forehead against mine.

  “I know you do,” I answer as my fingers curl in her shirt. My instincts scream at me to take the bag back from her, burn the paper copy and delete the file on my laptop, effectively casting the story into the realm of things that might have existed but don’t anymore. I can’t lose Olivia now that I have her again. I also know that I can’t destroy the work, even if it might cost me something I have no desire to lose.

  “I’ll call you later,” Olivia shares as she swoops in to steal a quick kiss. I hungrily pull her to me and graze my tongue over her lips, desperate to remind her that we can be epic together, needing to leave her with the lasting feeling that I know that she’s it for me. “I don’t have time to take you against that tree again,” she reminds me, her voice a hungry growl.

  “You sure?” I ask as I remember the sensation of the bark scraping against my back all those years ago as Olivia fucked me against the maple.

  “You’re driving me crazy,” she whispers before releasing me, her chest heaving slightly. “I’m gonna be late.”

  “Benefit of being the boss,” I suggest as I try to draw her back to me.

  “Yes, but I need to set a good example. I’ll talk to you later,” she says before kissing me on the cheek. “Lexa,” she calls out before issuing a loud whistle. Lexa immediately comes bounding out of the woods and falls into place at Olivia’s side. I watch as they start the journey back to Olivia’s, waving when Olivia turns to look at me, smiling broadly, the bag bouncing against her side.

  “Please don’t be the last time you look at me like that,” I quietly whisper as I watch her until she disappears from view.

  Chapter 38

  A violent pounding on my front door echoes into my living room, rousing me from the uncomfortable position on the couch. If Olivia is on the other side of the door, I know she isn’t happy. Not that her absence the last two days hasn’t already informed me of that much. She never called me the day I gave her the book, and I haven’t heard from her since she walked away from me that morning in the clearing. I wipe the sleepiness from my eyes and notice Netflix asking if I want to continue watching on the TV along with the fact that it’s dark outside. I grumble as I rub the kink in my neck and shuffle my leaden feet towards the door, the hammering starting anew.

  “What did—,” mom begins in an accusatory tone as I open the door. Her words die in her throat when she sees me, concern replacing her rage. I wordlessly turn and begin shuffling back to the couch, mildly embarrassed by the state of my living room and the abundance of evidence that I’ve been trying to eat my feelings. “What’s going on?” she asks as I plop down on the couch.

  “Is she okay?” I ask, ignoring mom’s question.

  “She’s upset,” she shares as she sits next to me. “I stopped into du Pays to have lunch with her, but they said she called in sick. So I picked up some soup and went to check on her. What happened?”

  “I think I fucked up.”

  “Wanna clue me in?” I sigh as I shake my head, but mom’s look conveys I don’t have a choice.

  “I started a journal years ago when Olivia disappeared. I hadn’t added to it in years but started working on it again when Olivia returned. I don’t know why I adapted it into a novel, but I did, and I didn’t tell Olivia about it,” I quickly push out before my emotions can get the better of me. “It’s unfinished, but I gave her a copy of it because I felt she had a right to know.”

  “I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume you included everything.”

  “The major events, yeah. I didn’t document our every date or anything. I don’t even plan to submit it to my publisher. It was just…I don’t know…consuming my attention, I suppose. I know I should have told her about it sooner, I just didn’t see a point given that I figured I was going to be the only one to ever read it.”

  “Why give her a copy then?”

  “Because I felt like I was lying or keeping a secret from her. It’s about her. She has a right to know. She knows how I get when I’m close to finishing something. What was I supposed to do, lie and tell her I hadn’t been working on anything?”

  “No, sweetie,” mom assures me as she wraps her arm around my shoulder. “I think you need to talk to her though,” she adds as tears start slipping down my cheeks.

  “I love her.”

  “And she loves you,” she assures me as she gives me a squeeze. “You need to talk to her.”

  “She was supposed to call me yesterday. I haven’t heard from her.”

  “So walk down there and knock on her door. She’s home.”

  “I don’t want to force her to talk to me if she doesn’t want to.”

  “Fine. You’re welcome to give up and sulk, but we’re going to clean this place up. It looks like a frat house in here. Then you’re going to take a shower while I make you something that resembles a meal. You’re starting to smell a little ripe.”

  “I am not,” I protest as I swipe at my tears and try to discretely smell my armpit. Mom’s right, even through my stuffy nose I can tell that I need a shower. “Fine,” I concede as I stand up and start collecting the empty soda cans, candy wrappers, pizza box, and the bag of chips.

  “How do you stay as skinny as you are with a diet like this?” mom asks as she starts folding the blanket I was using. “And why are you running the air conditioning and sitting under a blanket?”

  “I didn’t feel like getting up and changing the thermostat. Also, I don’t eat like this most of the time. Plus, I run, and I do yoga.”

  “Well, you need to run your ass around this house and clean. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this place so disgusting,” she adds as she plucks a few peanut M & Ms from the bag and tosses them into her mouth. “I thought you preferred the peanut butter ones.”

  “I do. Peanut were the ones Olivia and I shared the night she came out to me.”

  “Let me guess; you’ve been watching all the movies you used to watch together too.”

  “Not all of them,” I defensively answer as I make my way into the kitchen with a pile of trash. “I can’t believe you’re making me clean right now. Did you ever stop to think that I just want to wallow?”

  “I’m not making you clean. I gave you a choice, and you chose to clean. Honestly, I thought you loved Olivia enough to try fighting for her.”

  “I’m not going to force her to talk to me!”

  “And you’re not even trying to talk to her! Have you stopped to think that whatever you wrote in that book has probably brought up a lot of things she’d rather not think about? That maybe what she needs right now is her girlfriend?”

  “Did you ever stop to think that her girlfriend is the one who upset her?” I ask as I move around mom and make my way back to the living room.

  “I don’t think she blames you,” she says, freezing me in my tracks. “Look, she didn’t tell me what had upset her. But from what little she would say, it seemed like she was juggling a lot
of different emotions. I think it’d be good for both of you if you tried talking to her.” I sink into the couch as fear grips my body. “What are you afraid of?” she asks as I cradle my head in my hands and draw in several deep breaths in an effort to calm down. I feel the cushion dip slightly on my left as mom takes a seat next to me and slides a comforting arm around my shoulders.