Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “What if she won’t speak to me or decides she can’t forgive me? What if I’ve blown it before we see what it could be?” I ask, keeping my face concealed in my hands.

  “What if you aren’t giving Olivia enough credit?” she asks, earning a scoff in retort. “I don’t know all the details, but I do know she loves you. Just talk to her. I don’t think this is an insurmountable issue.”

  “And if you’re wrong?”

  “If I’m wrong, then we’ll find a way to get both of you through the heartbreak,” she assures me as she rubs my back. “I don’t think it’s going to come to that. You have to try though. Surely that’s better than sitting here wondering.”

  “You’re right,” I concede as I expel another weighted breath.

  “Go take a shower. I’ll fix you something to eat.”

  “I’m not going to be able to eat,” I reply as I stand up. “I’m not very hungry anyway.”

  “You sure?” she asks, earning a nod in answer. “Do you want me to stay here until you get back?”

  “No. I’ll call you if I need anything,” I answer as I lean down to hug her. “I appreciate you checking on Olivia. I know it can’t be easy staying impartial at times like this.”

  “It’s not as hard as you believe. I love and feel the urge to protect both of you. I always will.”

  “I love you too. I’ll try to fix it.”

  “I’m certain you will. If you could forgive Olivia for the things in the past, I’m sure she can forgive you for whatever you wrote.”

  “I hope you’re right,” I answer as I release her. “I should go get cleaned up. I’ll call you if I need to talk,” I remind her as I turn for the stairs.

  *****

  A heavy wall of humidity momentarily stifles my breathing when I step outside. Combined with the abnormally high heat this June evening, the weather can only be described as miserable. I close my eyes and pull in what feels like a wet breath, the smells of damp earth overpowering all other late spring scents. I step off the porch and land in the wet grass, the cool drops clinging to the long blades welcome against my feet and ankles as I slowly march my way to Olivia’s. This probably isn’t as nerve-wracking as a walk to the gallows, but part of me feels as though I might be making my way towards some dark fate. It’s a short trek that feels like it takes half an hour, but it’s not until I near her front porch that I realize she isn’t alone. Kirsten’s car sits parked on the other side of Olivia’s SUV. I turn to leave, catching a glimpse of them sitting on the couch, a distressed Olivia shaking her head as Kirsten speaks. Lexa’s head pops into view as I take the first step back towards my house, drawing Olivia’s attention away from Kirsten, her eyes pinning me in place through the window. My stomach twists as I wait for her reaction, not knowing if she’ll come outside to talk to me or if she’ll pretend she didn’t see me standing here. My heart sinks as I watch her turn back to Kirsten, convinced that she’s refusing to see me, but lifts slightly when she stands up and walks out of my view. Kirsten turns her focus to the window and gives me a subtle wave as I wait for Olivia to reappear. I wave back but shift my attention to the door when I hear the sound of it opening, followed closely by Lexa darting off the porch to greet me in the yard.

  “Hey,” I greet Olivia as I squat down to pet Lexa.

  “Hey,” she mumbles in return, looking anywhere but at me. I watch her as the awkward silence stretches on and her eyes shift from the ground to the cars, skyward, and back to the ground.

  “I was hoping I’d hear from you,” I finally admit as I get back to my feet. Lexa returns to Olivia’s side, earning an absentminded scratch but not much else.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks after another pregnant silence. She still won’t look at me, even when I take a step closer to her to be more directly in her view.

  “I was hoping we could talk. I didn’t realize you had company.” I’m not sure I’ve seen Olivia this despondent, at least not since after her mother’s funeral. “Will you please look at me?” I plead, watching as it looks like she battles some imaginary force to level her eyes on me. She begrudgingly looks at me, and I see it all, the hurt, anger, betrayal, and confusion all clouding her features. “Can we please talk?” I watch a shadow of uncertainty pass over her as I wait for an answer. There’s a certain level of distrust that radiates from her that compels me to pull her into my arms, apologize, and reassure her that we’re going to be fine.

  “Sure,” she finally answers with a flick of her hand in the direction of the steps. I watch as she takes a cautious step forward, followed by another, before lowering herself on top of the first riser. I slowly creep forward, joining her on the stairs, the foot I leave between us feeling like an unbreachable gulf.

  “I’ve missed you,” I confess as I risk reaching over and taking her hand. I watch as her eyebrow twitches slightly, but the rest of her remains immobile. “I can only assume this has to do with the book. Will you please talk to me?”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “Whatever is on your mind. I didn’t think you’d have an unfavorable reaction to it.”

  “Did you think it was a romantic gesture?”

  “No. I thought it was a piece of fiction based on us. No one else has read it. I just didn’t want to hide it from you,” I explain, hoping she’ll understand where I’m coming from and open up to me.

  “I miss mom,” she eventually shares as I was about to give up. “It hasn’t gotten to where I miss her any less. I wasn’t a good daughter towards the end. We argued a lot about what I did to you. I don’t know,” she whispers as a tear rolls down her cheek. “I’m always going to have these questions. Why did she do it? Would I have noticed something was wrong before it happened? Is there anything I could have done had I been here?” she says as she wipes away the errant tears with her free hand. “I try not to think about it, but reading your book brought it all back. I don’t know…the more I read after that, the more I felt like parts of my life were being exploited.”

  “I never meant for it to seem that way,” I assure her as my thumb strokes the side of her hand. “I meant what I said. I don’t have any intention of profiting off of it. Your eyes are the only ones who have seen it. I’m sorry if you feel like I was taking advantage of everything that has happened.”

  “Deep down, I know you weren’t. There’s just so much from my life in there that I’d rather forget, even though I know I can’t. But all those emotions were swirling, and it started to feel like it was your way of getting back at me for the past. How irrational did that sound?” she quietly asks after another silence.

  “Emotions aren’t always rational,” I remind her. “I wish you would have come to me. I would have been happy to explain and maybe help you through what you’ve been feeling.”

  “I wanted to make sense of how I felt before I spoke to you.”

  “I get that, but I love you and wish you wouldn’t have been alone.”

  “Do you?” she asks as she turns to look at me for the first time.

  “I tried not to. I said it wasn’t possible, denied it after we slept together, and did everything I could to ignore those feelings, but yes, I do love you.” For the first time since my arrival, the corners of Olivia’s lips curl slightly. I fight the urge to lean into her and attempt to kiss away her doubts, knowing that it’s not the right time.

  “How did the book come about?”

  “No one knows this,” I share, earning a look of confusion from Olivia. “Well, Kira knows some of it. Mom and Uncle Eddie know about the book,” I add, causing the crease along Olivia’s forehead to deepen. “After you disappeared, I was depressed. I was barely eating, starting to drink more and more, missing classes, the whole nine yards. Kira made me go talk to someone.”

  “Like a shrink?” Olivia asks, cutting off my momentum.

  “Yeah. I didn’t know how to cope. She helped me quite a bit in dealing with the breakup and again after your mom died. One of her suggestions was that
I keep a journal, documenting my feelings, recalling stories, whatever I was feeling about us at the time. She knew I was enrolled in the creative writing program, and thought it would be a good exercise for me. So I did, and over the years it migrated from one computer to the next with everything else. I was at the coffee shop the morning I found out you were back. I was sitting there, trying to get past a case of writer’s block, when I overheard a woman order a triple caramel soy latte. It made me think of you, which reminded me of the journal, so I opened it up for the first time in years and started reading it. I don’t know if I started adapting it because you were back and that fact was driving me insane or if I did it to come to terms with everything, but it was the only thing my writer’s brain could or would focus on. So I started the book. Then I kept adding to it. I honestly thought I would have moved on to something else long ago.” I’m not sure if I expected this situation to be easily resolved or not, but if the silence stretching out between us is any indication, we still have a ways to go.

  “It needs an ending,” Olivia eventually informs me.

  “Pardon?”

  “I’ve read it twice. It needs an ending.”

  “I don’t know how to end it. It’s our story, Liv. I mean, does our story end here, tonight?”

  “I can’t tell you how to end it or how we’ll end. I just need a couple of days to get my emotions back in check. In the meantime, I think you should finish it and submit it to your publisher.”

  “You want me to what?”

  “It’s a good story, Jordan. It just needs an ending. So give it an ending and submit it.”

  “I don’t know. It feels too personal for that.”

  “So doctor it up. Tie it all into some apocalyptic thriller or something. Either way, I think you have something special there. You should finish it.”

  “I’ll think about it. My bigger concern right now is us,” I inform her as I risk resting my head against her shoulder, releasing a relieved breath when she doesn’t move away. “I’ll fight for us if I have to. You may not believe it, but I do love you.”

  “We’re going to be fine. Let me have some time to decompress, and I’ll be in touch,” she shares before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. She leans her head against mine, and we sit in silence for a few minutes as I silently hope we’re able to get back on track. “I should get back inside. Kirsten drove out here to make sure I was okay.”

  “I’m glad she did. She’s a good friend,” I add as I lift my head from her shoulder and stand up.

  “She is,” Olivia confirms before kissing my forehead. “I’ll talk to you soon,” she whispers as she slips her hand out of mine and calls for Lexa to follow her inside.

  Chapter 39

  “I’m glad you were able to have lunch with me. I know I asked for some space, but I have missed you,” Olivia says as she wraps her arms around me.

  “I missed you too,” I confess as Olivia pulls me into her embrace. It feels so familiar, standing here in our old spot, now a slightly private corner of the upstairs dining section of du Pays. “I do want to apologize again. I never stopped to think how reading it would affect you emotionally.”

  “There’s no need to apologize. I wasn’t prepared, so it surprised me. I’m okay. We’re okay,” she whispers before pressing a kiss to my temple. “Are you busy tonight? I’ll be out of here in a few hours and am free until tomorrow afternoon. Maybe we could do something.”

  “You wanna come over? We can braid each other’s hair and talk about boys,” I add, earning a chuckle from Olivia.

  “I’d like to come over, but I thought maybe we could make dinner, go for a walk, enjoy a fire or a movie. Nothing as exciting as hair braiding.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I agree as I look up at her and risk stealing a kiss.

  “What’s going on with you?” she asks as she eyes me suspiciously. “You seem preoccupied or something. Are you still worried that we aren’t okay?”

  “A little bit,” I lie when I realize this is the perfect opportunity to put my latest plan into action. “I’m sure it’ll pass.” Before I know what’s happening, Olivia has my head grasped between her hands as she turns us and pins me against the wall, her lips teasing against mine before she finally darts the tip of her tongue against my upper lip. My eyes flutter open when I feel her absence, catching her wolfish grin before she swoops in and reunites us, hungrily kissing me as she uses the length of her body to keep me pinned against the wall.

  “I’ve wanted to do that since the moment you walked up those steps.”

  “That’s not very long,” I joke as her forehead rests against mine.

  “I wasn’t talking about today,” she answers before kissing me again.

  “You smell like curry,” I whisper when she begins to pull away, causing both of us to laugh.

  “Sorry. I know it’s not your favorite smell,” she says as she releases me. “I promise I’ll shower before I come over later.”

  “It’s fine,” I assure her as I grab a fist full of her chef coat and pull her back to me. “Go finish up. I’ll see you soon,” I remind her before kissing her again.

  “I love you,” she tells me as she takes the hand gripping her coat and presses a kiss against my palm before letting it fall back to my side.

  “I love you too,” I inform her as she moves towards the stairs. I give her a reassuring smile when she looks over her should at me before she begins descending the steps. I follow behind her, stopping on the top step to watch Olivia enter the kitchen before pulling out my phone and calling Kira.

  “I’ve got five minutes before I have to run into my next meeting,” she greets me as I hear the echoing of her heels clicking in the background. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Things are better. To make this quick, you remember that thing I called you about the other night?”

  “It wasn’t that long ago, Jordan. Four minutes.”

  “I think I can pull it off today. Well, if I get moving, I’m pretty sure I have time to pull it off.”

  “Are you ready?”

  “Yep. I ran into the city yesterday and bought what I needed. I just have to get everything in place. What do you think? Am I crazy? Is it too soon? Too cheesy?”

  “I think you should go through with it. If the sexual tension between the two of you in Chicago was anything to go by, you need to get your pussy licked. This will guarantee that happens.”

  “You aren’t joking, are you?” I ask, slightly mortified.

  “I’d never joke about that. It is what you want, right? Two minutes,” she adds as a reminder.

  “What I want is for Olivia to understand that I love her,” I answer causing Kira to issue what sounds like a skeptical scoff in the background. “I mean, sex would be great too, but that’s not my ultimate goal,” I remind her before waiting for her response. “Your meeting is with Gavin, isn’t it?” I ask when she remains quiet.

  “Um-hm. I love you, but I gotta go. You’re ready, go through with it and get laid already. The two of you are gonna choke the town with all your unfulfilled sexual tension if you don’t.”

  “Well if it’s for the safety of the commonwealth, I guess I can’t say no,” I joke, earning a laugh from Kira. “Love you too. Give Gavin my love as well.”

  “Call me tomorrow to tell me all about it,” she chirps before I hear the call disconnect. I quietly laugh as I make my way back to the table while rifling through my bag in search of the clues I put together the other night. I’ll have to make up some excuse to get her to come back up to our table, but with the help of the servers, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

  This isn’t where we started, but we shared a lot of moments in this corner. Hopefully, there will be many more. Your next clue is in the place where we found one of your most prized possessions. I’ll give you one hint during the game.

  I smirk as I slide the card back into the envelope. She’ll either love this, or it will fail miserably.

  It’s not what it once w
as, but we spent plenty of time here, surrounded by the stars, the card destined to go into the display case downstairs reads.

  “Olivia leave you on your own?” Patti asks as she works on cleaning up an adjacent table.

  “I’m pretty sure she thinks I left. Can I get your assistance with something?”

  “Sure,” she slowly drawls with curiosity in her eyes.

  “Thanks. I’m trying to surprise Olivia but need to leave an envelope on this table and another in the display case downstairs. The one with the local wares,” I add.

  “Are you doing a scavenger hunt for her?” she excitedly asks.

  “Something like that.”

  “Oh, she’s gonna love that! You need me to make sure that envelope stays on this table?”

  “And help me slip this one into a particular spot in the case downstairs,” I share as I gently wave the envelope in my left hand.