Music of the Soul

by Katie Ashley

  I threw up my hands in exasperation. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact I just showed up to a rehearsal that isn’t happening because Loren is busy doing set changes. Apparently I need to be on my ass more when I’m performing!”

  Jake shook his head. “If you’re expecting me to apologize for looking out for you and the twins, you’re not going to get it.”

  “But Dr. Ghandi hasn’t mentioned anything about me staying off my feet.”

  “That doesn’t mean we can’t take some precautions.”

  “Jake—”

  He held up his hand. “You’re not going to win this one, Angel.”

  I let out of frustrated growl as Jake rose out of his chair. “You can be such a stubborn ass sometimes, you know that?”

  He grinned. “Hmm, I think I could say the same thing about you.”

  “I appreciate you being so protective, Jake, but I just wish you would have told me first. I hate being the last one to know.”

  Jake’s thumb brushed along my cheekbone. “You’re right. I should have told you first. At the same time, I had hoped Loren would be done by rehearsal time, and you could just go with the flow.”

  “And just what do Gabe and Eli think about your grand plan?”

  When Jake winced, I knew he had already talked to them about it. “Once again, you should talk to me first. I’m your wife, and the one this all effects.”

  “I’m sorry, Angel. Will you ever forgive me?” He poked his lip out and gave me a puppy dog expression.

  “Give me a kiss, and I’ll think about it,” I said, with a smile.

  “You drive a hard bargain,” Jake replied, before bringing his mouth to mine. Just the feel of his hard body pressed against me, his masculine smell, his strong hands on my waist, sent me into a frenzy. I gripped his shoulders tight, moaning into his mouth.

  He pulled away and glanced at me with surprise. “Pregnancy hormones?” he questioned.

  I nodded my head furiously up and down. “Would you oblige me in a quickie?”

  “I’d love to.” Prying himself off me, he went over to the door and locked it. He flopped down in one of the plush chairs and crooked his finger at me. With a grin, I walked over to him. He leaned forward and jerked down my panties, before pulling me down onto his lap to straddle him. Once I unzipped his jeans and sprung his erection, I raised my hips to bury him deep inside me. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I alternated between riding him hard and then slow.

  I was getting close to coming when a knock came at the door. “Abby? Loren is ready for you now,” Frank called.

  “Just a second,” I shouted back.

  “Oh please, since when does it take me a second?” Jake replied with a wicked grin.

  I tightened my muscles around him, causing him to groan. “We’re cutting it short because I’m not letting Frank hear us.”

  Jake gripped my expanding hips and pushed me on and off him. I came almost instantly, and he followed shortly behind. Once I could focus again, I scrambled off his lap as best I could with my expanding belly and grabbed a towel to clean up.

  When I opened the door, Frank took one look at me before his face turned blood red. “Uh, I…I mean, Loren is ready for you now.”

  “Thank you,” I said. Glancing over my shoulder, I blew Jake a kiss before heading out the door to follow Frank to the stage. He gave me a pleased smirk.

  As it turned out, Loren had done a pretty cool job integrating lit stools for Eli and me to sit on, and he’d also managed a pretty cool swing that went along with one of our backdrops. I was sure that Jake probably wouldn’t be digging the swing since in his mind it could have mechanical failure, and I could fall. But I liked it, and I planned on using it. Of course, sitting in it and balancing a guitar with an expanding belly wasn’t an easy feat. I was at four-and-a-half months now, and I couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like when I was eight or nine months along.

  At the same time, I knew there was no way in hell that even if my doctor let me, Jake would agree to allow me to perform late in my pregnancy. I figured I would have to cross that bridge when I came to it. For now, I was enjoying still being able to perform, and I didn’t want that to end anytime soon.

  “Don’t you feel a little bit like we’re cheating on Dr. G?” Jake asked, as we sat in a posh OB/GYN’s office in downtown Salt Lake City.

  I laughed. “She’s the one who found this practice for me.”

  Since we were still in the middle of our Midwest tour, it had become necessary to find OB’s along the way. For today, it was about the fact I didn’t want to wait two more weeks to get home and find out what we were having. The suspense was killing me. I didn’t know whether I should start buying two of everything blue or pink or blue and pink. So, my OB had recommended a practice for us to go for the gender sonogram.

  When the nurse called us back, I could barely control my excitement. Unlike our first ultrasound, I wasn’t scared or apprehensive. Instead, I was just so excited to find out what we were having.

  The ultrasound tech, whose nametag read Jess, came in with her head buried in our chart. The moment she glanced up and took us in, she said, “Holy shit!”

  “Guess she recognizes us,” I murmured to Jake.

  She grinned. “I thought the names on the chart sounded familiar but…wow!”

  “Nice to meet you, too,” Jake said, extending his hand.

  With a trembling hand, she shook it. After staring at us for a moment, she finally pulled herself together and became professional again. “Right. Sorry about that. Totally lost my mind for a moment.” Taking the bottle of gel in her hand, she squirted some on my exposed belly. “Let’s see what we have here.”

  The grainy image of the twins came on the screen. I never tired of seeing them—their tiny hands and legs flailing, the sight of their hearts beating strong in their chests.

  “So Baby A is a…” She glanced over at us, appearing to enjoy torturing us with the suspense. “A boy.”

  I squeezed Jake’s hand and stared up at him. “We’re going to have a son.”

  His response was to kiss me. When he pulled away, he smiled. “And the other baby?” he asked Jess.

  “Looks like you’re getting one of each—Baby B is a girl.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Everything looks really good with them—strong heartbeats, healthy placenta. Of course, it looks like your son is stealing a bit of the calories since he’s bigger.” She pointed to the screen to show us the difference.

  “But she’ll be all right, won’t she?” Jake asked, his brow furrowed in worry.

  “Yes, she’ll be fine.” Jess then printed a few pictures complete with baby A and B identified with their genders. When she finished, she gave me a towel to wipe off my belly. “Good luck.”

  “Thank you,” I said, as I pulled myself into a sitting position.

  When she got to the door, her hand hesitated on the doorknob before she turned back to us. “Would you mind signing something for me?”

  “We’d be happy to,” I replied.

  We ended up signing a few pieces of paper before we escaped out the door. When we got into the limo, I took out the pictures to look at the twins again.

  As he rubbed my stomach, Jake smiled at me. “Now that we know what we’re having, what about names?”

  “Hmm, good question. I know I want our daughter to have your mother’s name.”

  Jake’s expression pained as he stilled his hand on my abdomen. “That’s really sweet, Angel, but I don’t think I can bear calling her Susan. It would hurt too much.”

  I cupped his cheek with my hand. “Then we’ll call her something else. What was your mother’s full name?”

  “Julia Susannah. Papa and Grandmother shortened it to Susan.”

  “That’s a beautiful name for our daughter.” I patted his hand on my belly. “What if we called her Jules? That’s kind of a sassy little nickname. And if she’s anything like your mom or me, she’ll be sa
ssy.”

  Jake grinned. “I agree. And I love that. Jules Slater sounds like a future rock goddess, too.”

  “It does.”

  “And for our son?”

  “He needs his father’s name in there somewhere.”

  Jake wrinkled his nose. “He’s getting my last name. What about something of yours?”

  I shrugged. “We could give him my dad’s name as a middle name.”

  “Andrew’s a good, strong name.” He winked. “And biblical.”

  “So is Jacob,” I countered.

  Jake laughed. “Fine. We’ll think about using my name as a middle name too.”

  “I like using family names and giving our babies history.”

  “So do I, but at the same time, I don’t think you want to use my Papa’s name.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I love him, but I don’t want to name our son Herbert.”

  “Neither do I.”

  Jake’s phone dinged in his pocket, and he pulled it out. He read the text and grimaced. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “That was Loren. He’s been researching the auditorium in Boise, and he thinks we’re going to need to scrap doing Jackson or add in another song with it because the way the stage is built.”

  I gasped. “That’s it.”

  Jake’s brows furrowed. “What’s it?”

  “Jackson.”

  “You want to name our son after the duet we’re doing?”

  “Not entirely. My mom’s maiden name is Jackson.”

  Jake appeared to be thinking about the name. “Jackson Slater…Jax Slater.” He grinned. “I like that a lot.”

  “Jacob Jackson Slater,” I said, with a smile.

  He rolled his eyes. “Andrew Jackson Slater,” he countered.

  “Then it sounds like we named him after the president.”

  Jake laughed. “I guess you’re right.” He rubbed my belly. “So, Jax and Jules it is.”

  “I love it.”

  “And I love you.”

  After going through all I did to conceive, I never thought I would ever hate being pregnant. And then I crossed the eighth month mark, and true loathing of swollen feet, heartburn, sleepless nights, and waddling around began to grate on my nerves.

  It probably didn’t help that I’d been on bed rest for a month. The moment I stepped off the tour bus, my OB had banished me to the four walls of the master bedroom at home. Sure, I was tired and worn out from performing, but at the same time, it was hard laying around all the time when you were used to being on the go. Jake was good to spend time amusing me. We watched movies and ate our meals together. He also made sure I had female company by having my mom, Allison, and Lily come for visits.

  Mia was good to come up for the day with Bella and baby Gaby. While I snuggled with the girls and watched movies, Mia worked hard knitting hats and booties for the twins. She and Lily also organized my baby shower, which turned into an epic event that included Jake, the guys from Runaway Train, the roadies and their wives.

  Even though I hated being bedridden, I would have taken anything for it instead of having contractions six and a half weeks before my due date. Jake immediately called my doctor, and then we made the fifteen minute drive to the hospital. After doing an ultrasound, as well as an exam, my OB, Dr. Ghandi, had me being prepped for an emergency C-Section. The twins were in distress as my blood pressure had started rising. When the phrase ‘preempting any future preeclampsia’ floated around, I went into panic mode, but Dr. Ghandi assured me that by getting the twins out, we weren’t going to face that.

  In a blur, I was wheeled from an examining room into the OR. Jake momentarily left my side to get outfitted in his scrubs, hat, and mask. When he returned, they’d already given me an epidural, along with some other drugs, and erected a sheet, so I couldn’t see what was about to happen below my waist.

  It felt like I was floating outside of my body. Tugging pressure came from below the sheet. I fought as hard as I could to say awake, but I felt myself drifting away into unconsciousness. “There he is!” Dr. Ghandi exclaimed. My droopy eyelids snapped open. Craning my neck, I gazed to where she held a wailing Jackson.

  “God, he’s so beautiful,” I murmured, the oxygen tube moving tighter against my nose.

  Dr. Ghandi passed Jackson to a nurse and then went back to work. My eyes cut across to where the nurses worked to clean Jax up. He appeared strong and healthy, and I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and ease his crying. As if he could sense my thoughts, he turned his face toward me in the bassinet. “Hi sweetheart. Mommy’s here,” I called hoarsely.

  “And here’s number two!” My eyes cut from Jax over to Jules. I knew immediately something was wrong. While Jax had cried heartily, Jules was silent, her lips blue. A flurry of activity began happening below my waist.

  “What’s wrong? Why isn’t she crying?” I demanded.

  Once she was cut from me, Jules was handed over to the charge nurse. She began suctioning Jules’s mouth while another nurse rubbed her tiny arms and legs. Tears blurred my eyes. “Jake!” I cried desperately. My arms were tied down so I couldn’t touch him.

  His tender lips came to kiss my cheek. “Shh, it’s going to be okay, Abby. They’re working with her. I know she’s going to be just fine.” But the fear burning in his eyes was palpable. The small amount of skin showing outside his mask was pale.

  I closed my eyes. “Please Susan,” I murmured.

  “What sweetheart?” Jake asked.

  I didn’t reply. Instead, I just kept praying to Susan to intercede on Jules’s behalf. I was still drifting between consciousness when Susan’s face appeared before me, and she smiled. My eyelids snapped open at as the sweetest sounding cry in the whole wide world echoed through the room. “See, she’s fine!” Jake exclaimed.

  I barely got to see Jules’s wailing form before she was ushered out of the delivery room. “Where are they taking her?” I asked.

  “To the NICU. They can better regulate her oxygen levels there,” a nurse replied.

  I hated I couldn’t have just a moment with her to see her up close, maybe kiss her cheek or hands. But I was also so thankful she was all right, and they were working to make her healthy.

  As Dr. Ghandi worked below my waist stitching me up, a nurse appeared at my side with Jackson in her arms. “Would you like to meet your son?”

  “Oh, yes. Please.”

  She laid Jackson gently on my chest where we were face to face. Jax strained to look at me. “Hi sweet boy,” I murmured. His image before me became wavy as my emotions overcame me, and I began to cry. I wanted more than anything to be able to hold him—to unwrap his blanket and count his tiny toes and fingers.

  Jake’s thumb rubbed across Jackson’s cheek. “He’s pretty amazing, huh?”

  “Yes, he is. I can’t believe we made him.”

  With a grin, Jake said, “Once upon a time, he was just a part of some baby batter in a cup.”

  I laughed. “You’re terrible.”

  “But you love me anyway, right?”

  “Oh yes. I think I love you more today than I ever had.”

  Jake’s warm lips met mine. “I love you so much, Angel.” He bestowed kisses on both of Jax’s tiny cheeks. “And I love you, sweet, little man.”

  “Why don’t you go out and tell everyone the good news?”

  “I’d rather stay here with you two.”

  “I’ll be fine. They’ll be taking him away to move me to recovery, where I’ll probably snooze until the drugs wear off.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Jake asked.

  I shook my head. “I know my parents are scared to death worrying about me and the twins. Go put them out of their misery.”

  “Okay.” Jake bent over to kiss me once again. “You are the most amazing woman I know in the whole wide world.”

  I couldn’t help laughing at his statement. “I’m not the first woman to give birth, Jake,” I countered.

  He sh
ook his head. “You’re the only woman I love who has.”

  “You say the sweetest things,” I murmured.

  “Only for you.” He kissed me again and then started for the door.

  I had only a few more moments of bonding with Jax before they took him away. As they wheeled me into recovery, my eyelids began to flutter, and it wasn’t long before I fell into a contented sleep.

  It was the big day—the day that the twins came home from the hospital. I wish I could say I was thrilled beyond belief, but at the very crux of my being, I was fucking terrified. In the hospital, we had a team of nurses and doctors at our disposal in case anything went wrong. At home, we were all on our own to somehow raise these two little lives. Of course, Abby was completely fearless when it came to the twins. She mastered breastfeeding the two of them at the same time, did great changing their diapers and giving them baths.

  But me?

  I was afraid that when I picked them up, I’d forget to support their head, causing them serious trauma. Or when I had to dress them or change their diaper, I feared pulling too hard on their arms or legs and having them fall off.

  Oh yeah, I was a fucking basket case.

  After what seemed like a small eternity, I got both Jax and Jules’s car seats strapped in our new family-friendly SUV. Thankfully, they snoozed the entire time I cussed and worked up a sweat at getting them in right. They’d conked out shortly after Abby filled them up at feeding time just before we came downstairs.

  After they were born, both of them faced a gamut of issues that prevented us from going home immediately. First, Jax turned jaundice. Then Jules had sucking reflex issues, so she started losing weight. This took a while to resolve. I had to give major props to Abby. She handled it all like a trooper as she tried getting Jules back on the breastfeeding train. Me, I would have just said screw it and given Jules a bottle. But Abby was determined to have the same bonding experience with Jules as she did with Jax. Like always, my Angel was amazing. Finally, Jules had hit the regulation five pounds to go home last night. We hadn’t wanted to leave with Jax and not Jules.

  I eyed the sleeping little angels, as Abby would call them, warily before I shut the door. I hoped they would continue sleeping this peacefully on the ride home. I didn’t even want to begin to imagine what driving down the interstate with one screaming baby, least of all two, would be like. A thousand horrifying scenarios ran through my mind of me losing my shit in the car with the noise.