The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

by Lauren Child

  She turned to the baby and said, ‘And B is for Bored, bozo.’

  Chapter 55.

  The look in her eye

  CLANCY WAS ON HIS WAY TO THE TABLE TENNIS CAFÉ. He knew Del was going to be there, she was probably hanging out with her new friend Sal, the girl she kept talking about. No doubt playing table tennis with that guy Danny Jupiter. Boy, did he think he was the bee’s knees.

  He saw Del as soon as he walked in. There she was, bat in hand, just playing a warm-up game with Danny and two other kids who Clancy didn’t recognise.

  ‘Can I have a word with you?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Oh, hi Clance.’ She signalled to her teammate and stepped out of the game. ‘Sure thing, what’s it about?’

  Clancy didn’t waste time getting around to the point. ‘I like you Del, you’re cool, a good friend, but I gotta say, you’re being a total duh brain about this.’

  Del’s eyes narrowed. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘You honestly think Ruby would sell you out?’ said Clancy. ‘I mean, honestly?’

  ‘I don’t think so, I know so,’ said Del, jutting out her jaw.

  ‘You’re not using your noodle,’ said Clancy. ‘What possible reason would Ruby have for ratting on you?’

  Del crossed her arms. ‘Revenge.’

  ‘Oh yeah, that sounds a lot like Ruby, she really lives for revenge,’ said Clancy.

  Del said nothing but her face was set like stone.

  ‘Remember that time when Mouse accidentally let slip to Mrs Drisco that Ruby was not at the dentist but had actually gone ice-skating? Or when you gave away her ticket to the Gloom gig because you were mad at her for skipping a basketball match, do you remember that? Do you remember her taking revenge on you?’

  Actually what had happened was Ruby had apologised to Del for letting her down with the match, and given her an earful about the ticket. But the important thing was, she bore no grudge.

  ‘If Ruby was mad at you, she would tell you to your face. If she didn’t feel like being your friend any more, she just wouldn’t talk to you. What she wouldn’t do is go and let your tyres down or waste her time ratting you out to Principal Levine.’ Clancy was talking kind of loud now; he was pretty angry. Sal and the kids at the counter were looking at them, no doubt wondering what was occurring here.

  ‘So how come I can see her on your film footage breaking into my locker?’ asked Del.

  ‘You remember what happened the day we met at the Donut to talk about Halloween?’

  ‘I remember all right,’ said Del irritably. ‘Redfort fell asleep at the table.’

  ‘So you remember how you picked up that permanent marker of mine and you wrote REDFORT WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BANANA MILK all up her left arm?’

  Del nodded. ‘Yeah, you were right about that marker pen, boy does it never come off.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy, ‘it’s still there. You can take a look next time you see her. It’s the most permanent permanent marker there is.’

  ‘OK, so I shouldn’t have done that,’ said Del. ‘But what’s any of that got to do with the price of potatoes?’

  Clancy reached into his bag and pulled out the tiny video camera and set it down on the table. ‘This is the film I took that shows “Ruby” putting Vapona’s project in your locker. Maybe you should watch it, really watch it.’ He walked towards the exit, and when he reached the counter, he called back, ‘Pay special attention to that left arm.’

  Clancy went up to Sal at the front counter. He’d never met her before, only heard Del going on about how cool she was. She was getting ready to leave, her shift over for the day.

  She called out, ‘Jeez, will I be glad to get home and out of these sneakers.’

  The guy who worked the food counter laughed loudly. ‘I hear you Sal.’

  ‘Could I get some change for the payphone?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Sure,’ said Sal, she took the bill and handed him the quarters.

  ‘I don’t suppose you’ve seen Rube, have you?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Who?’ said Sal.

  ‘Ruby,’ said Clancy. ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of her.’

  ‘No, but hey, look any friend of Ruby’s is a friend of mine, so you’re welcome to use the counter phone, save your quarters, just don’t tell the manager, OK?’ said Sal.

  Clancy smiled at her. ‘Thanks, I appreciate it.’

  ‘Any time,’ said Sal. She was looking for her apartment keys. ‘Where did I put ’em?’

  ‘There,’ said Clancy, pointing to the keys.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Sal.

  He dialled Ruby’s number and she picked up.

  ‘Hey Rube, you are there, did you get my message?’

  ‘No,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I do do stuff you know. I’ve been busy trying to solve a crime – or at least something I think might be connected to a crime, anyway, I haven’t had the energy to check my answerphone, especially not after listening to the family one, which I can tell you did not make for happy listening.’

  ‘Meet me in the tree,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I can’t, I got the Lemon with me,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What, again?

  ‘It’s a long story, at least the way Elaine Lemon tells it,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So meet me at the Donut, you can bring the Lemon.’ Clancy turned to see Bailey Roach and his friends walk through the door; they were making a lot of noise.

  ‘OK, I’ll be with you in an hour,’ said Ruby.

  ‘An hour?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a baby into its zippy coat bag thingy?’ said Ruby.

  ‘No, actually I don’t. Just be there sooner.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Right,’ said Clancy. He didn’t sound convinced.

  ‘A half hour OK? … Boy it’s loud where you are,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I know, that guy Beetle and the bozos just arrived and they’re making trouble …’

  ‘He’s such a haircut,’ said Ruby. ‘So anyway, why did you call?’

  ‘The first time, to tell you that you’re in trouble again.’

  ‘Yeah, Mrs Bexenheath left my folks a message. What did I do this time?’

  ‘Aided and abetted,’ said Clancy, ‘basically did some kid’s homework for him.’

  Ruby whistled. ‘That’s got be worth a week of detentions.’ She paused. ‘Wait a minute, I totally forgot to give you your homework. I left it at Back-Spin. Sorry about that, by the way.’

  ‘That’s OK. The point is, how did it wind up in Madame Loup’s stack of marking?’

  ‘I asked Sal to give it to Danny Jupiter – got him to hand it in for you.’

  ‘So did he write the note or did someone else?’

  ‘What note?’

  ‘The note from you?’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Never mind, I’ll explain when I see you. The good news is, I got proof that you weren’t the one who stole Vapona’s project.’ Clancy was now having to practically shout. ‘I’ve given it to Del …’

  ‘Let go of the phone …’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Lemon, I’m telling you, let go of the phone …’

  Click.

  The line went dead.

  ‘Geez!’ exclaimed Clancy. There was a sudden rise in the noise level and then ping-pong balls started flying around the place, and the poor new girl was having a hard time taking control. She came out from behind the counter. ‘Look, please guys,’ she pleaded, ‘could you maybe not do that?’

  But they weren’t listening. Worse than that, they started giving her a hard time and Clancy wasn’t going to stand by and watch. He might be fond of his teeth, but he had to help her. And that’s when something happened that Clancy couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t that Sal got mad. Not really mad. She didn’t shout or scream or anything – even though she had every right to be angry. It was hard to put your finger on exactly what she
did – it was just when she did it, the boys froze. Suddenly they were afraid, and they weren’t the only ones. Clancy felt it too. Just for a split second, a fraction of a split second, Sal seemed to change into someone else.

  And as she swished calmly past him, peace now restored, Clancy could have sworn he could smell something. Something that made his blood stop pumping.

  The unmistakeable smell of … Turkish delight.

  Lorelei von Leyden. It had to be.

  Very calmly and without any sign of alarm, he replaced the receiver and walked towards the exit like nothing had happened – he was just a kid heading home.

  ‘You leaving so soon?’ said Sal.

  ‘Er, yeah, I … um, I forgot something at home. I’ll be back in a half hour.’

  She made a sad face. ‘I’m clocking off in ten,’ she said. ‘Heading home myself.’ Another smile. But now Clancy saw how it didn’t reach her eyes. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow though, maybe I’ll see you! It would be cool to get to know you … any friend of Ruby’s is a friend of mine!’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Clancy, as brightly as he could manage.

  When he reached the payphone just outside, he paused as if he had thought of something, remembered someone he was supposed to call. He redialled Ruby’s number.

  The phone rang six times, seven, eight and then …

  ‘I’m sorry to inform you that Ruby Redfort is not here. Leave your words after the beep, and better make them interesting buster, or I won’t call you back.’

  ‘Look Rube, maybe you’re on your way, but if you aren’t just get to the Donut fast … I think I just worked out who your double is.’

  Even as he spoke, something else clicked. The French homework – Sal – she wrote the note, before handing it to Danny Jupiter. No doubt she snitched on Del too.

  He replaced the receiver just as Sal walked out. She saw him standing at the payphone.

  ‘See you around,’ she called.

  And Clancy shivered.

  Chapter 56.

  Cousin Nerris

  RUBY HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO ANSWER THAT SECOND CALL FROM CLANCY because she had been on another call which had come through to the family phone.

  ‘Hello Ruby, how are you? It’s Quent!’

  ‘Oh, hey Quent, I’m fine, what gives?’

  ‘I’m just around the corner.’

  ‘Oh Quent, that’s a real shame because you know, well the thing is … I’m out.’

  Long pause.

  ‘But I just phoned you on your home phone and you are talking to me, how can you be out?’

  ‘Ah well, what I meant by “out” was I’m about to be out, as in, I have my coat on and I’m headed to the door.’

  ‘Oh that’s great, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come out – I’ll meet you there.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘At your door.’

  ‘Quent, where are you exactly?’

  ‘I’m at the phone booth across from your house.’

  Oh brother.

  ‘See you in a minute Ruby.’

  ‘It looks likely Quent.’

  She hung up. ‘It would seem we’re going out, Lemon.’ She manoeuvred the baby into his snuggle suit, which wasn’t easy because he grabbed a fist full of her hair and wouldn’t let go.

  ‘You know that really hurts Lemon!’ It took her a minute to free herself, and when she had, she popped him in his stroller.

  She opened the door and there was Quent Humbert, waiting for her.

  ‘Hey Ruby, how are you?’

  ‘Since one minute ago, I’m still fine,’ said Ruby. ‘Now look, you can walk with me as far as the Double Donut, but then I’m gonna have to lose you, I have a meeting, you see.’

  ‘Sure,’ said Quent. ‘I don’t mind.’

  Quent talked non-stop the whole way there.

  QUENT: ‘So Del has asked me if I would join in with your Halloween idea.’

  RUBY: ‘She did?’

  QUENT: ‘She didn’t tell you?’

  RUBY: ‘No, she did not.’

  QUENT: ‘That’s funny.’

  RUBY: ‘Ha ha.’

  QUENT: ‘No, I meant funny peculiar.’

  RUBY: ‘It’s peculiar all right.’

  QUENT: ‘Can you guess what she had in mind?’

  RUBY: ‘Revenge?’

  QUENT: ‘I mean what costume – for me, I mean?’

  RUBY: ‘I reckon she’s gonna have your head tucked under her arm.’

  QUENT: ‘Hey, how did you guess?’

  RUBY: ‘She likes to get people in headlocks.’

  Quent looked slightly baffled.

  QUENT: ‘So who are you gonna be?’

  RUBY: ‘The ghost of friendship past.’

  QUENT: ‘Is there a ghost of friendship past living in Mortis Square?’

  RUBY: ‘No.’

  QUENT: ‘So where do you come in?’

  RUBY: ‘Exactly.’

  Quent was looking puzzled again. By now they were almost opposite the Double Donut.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Ruby, parking the stroller. ‘Look, could you mind the baby for a minute while I go in search of some Hubble-Yum, I’m feeling the need. It helps with stress.’

  ‘What if he cries?’ asked Quent.

  ‘Here,’ said Ruby, taking off the Escape Watch, ‘this timepiece has a function for that.’ She handed the Bradley Baker heirloom to the Lemon and he put it in his mouth.

  ‘I won’t be a minute,’ she said.

  Clancy was sitting in the Diner in one of the window booths.

  Rain had just begun to drizzle down and those who had umbrellas were flipping them open and those who didn’t were quickening their pace. Heavy rain was predicted and now anyone who had been lucky enough to hear the forecast was taking cover. Clancy heard the jangle of the bell as the Diner door opened and closed, opened and closed. But still no Ruby.

  Clancy looked at his watch – it had been thirty-eight minutes and he was beginning to worry.

  ‘Hey,’ said a voice behind him.

  Clancy turned. It was Elliot; in one hand was his ukulele and in the other his skateboard.

  ‘Oh hey, Elliot.’

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Looking out of the window,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, that I can see, what are you looking out for?’

  ‘Ruby,’ said Clancy. ‘You seen her?’

  ‘No,’ said Elliot. He placed his skateboard on the table, ukulele on the bench and slid into the seat next to Clancy. ‘I’ll keep you company until my dad comes. I’ve got the jitters because I got my ukulele exam in an hour.’

  Clancy wasn’t listening.

  Marla shouted from across the Diner. ‘Get that piece of wood and wheels off my table, or else go stand out in the rain, makes no difference to me, cookie.’

  ‘Boy, she never misses a thing, huh?’ said Elliot, setting the board on the floor.

  ‘So Del’s really mad at old Ruby, I wouldn’t be surprised if she never speaks to her again.’

  ‘Yeah, well, if that’s so then Del’s an idiot,’ said Clancy.

  ‘You don’t think Ruby did it?’ said Elliot.

  ‘Do you?’

  Elliot shook his head. ‘No way in ever,’ he said.

  Clancy was still staring out of the window.

  ‘Why you so desperate to see her anyway?’ said Elliot picking up the menu like he needed reminding of what might be on it. He really didn’t; he knew that menu back to front and upside down.

  ‘I might have the eggs,’ he said.

  Clancy was busy thinking. If only she had picked up, if only I knew she had actually listened to my message, if only she could be punctual for once … why can she never be on time?

  He looked out of the window. Still no Ruby.

  If he went in search of her, he was bound to miss her. It was a classic mistake that people made in movie thrillers – they always gave up waiting and this always led to trouble. So instead he just checked his w
atch and stared out to the street.

  All the time drumming his fingers on the windowsill.

  ‘Probably that baby,’ said Elliot.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘That baby Orange holding her up.’

  ‘Baby Lemon,’ corrected Clancy. Elliot is right, baby Lemon probably needed a diaper change or something.

  ‘There she is!’ said Elliot.

  Clancy exhaled as he saw Ruby walking towards the pedestrian crossing on the other side of the street, parka zipped, hands in pockets (no umbrella). There was no sign of the baby.

  ‘She musta left the Lemon at home,’ said Clancy. ‘That’s good.’

  ‘Maybe she left him on the bus,’ said Elliot. ‘It happened to my aunt once. She left my cousin Nerris on the bus, and walked two blocks before she realised.’

  A huge red truck drew up, windshield wipers going like crazy, its arrival masked Clancy’s view of Ruby and he waited for her to appear from behind it, only she was taking her time about it.

  ‘So what happened?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘She basically panicked,’ said Elliot.

  ‘How did she find Nerris?’

  ‘She called the bus depot and there he was,’ said Elliot.

  Clancy watched as the truck finally pulled away. There were plenty of people hurrying by, only thing was, there was no Ruby.

  ‘Where’s she gone?’ said Clancy. ‘What just happened?’ He was standing now, his arms beginning to flap. ‘I gotta go.’ He started towards the door. ‘Actually I gotta borrow this,’ he said running back to the table, grabbing Elliot’s skateboard and dashing out into the rain.

  ‘If it means so much to you,’ called Elliot. ‘YOU KNOW YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD!’ was the last thing Clancy heard Elliot shout as the door closed behind him.

  Chapter 57.

  Your old friendly maniac

  RUBY SAUNTERED OUT OF THE CONVENIENCE STORE and over to where Quent was sheltering with baby Archie.

  ‘He’s really cute,’ said Quent.

  ‘That’s debatable, but thanks for watching him,’ said Ruby.