The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

by Lauren Child

  ‘By the way, I just saw your friend Clancy. He was on a skateboard, going real fast too.’

  ‘You have to be kidding, which way did he go?’ said Ruby, looking in every direction.

  ‘North,’ said Quent.

  ‘Darn it! He’s probably mad at me because I’m late. He’s a stickler for punctuality. I gotta split,’ said Ruby and she ran, stroller and all, north up Amster.

  She spotted him as he was about to step onto a bus.

  ‘Clancy!’ she screamed. ‘Where the Sam Hill are you going?’

  He was a good way ahead, but he heard her and turned, his expression changing from high anxiety, to extreme relief and then sort of to full-on fury. He began striding back towards her.

  ‘Where were you?’ he shouted. ‘Why can you never be anywhere when you say you will?’

  ‘What’s the big deal here?’ said Ruby.

  ‘What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal! The big deal here, bozo, is I’m trying to save your life!’

  ‘Be careful who you call bozo, bozo!’ shouted Ruby. ‘And what do you mean “save my life”? Forty-seven minutes ago you were going to tell me how you knew it wasn’t me who stole Bugwart’s stupid school project. Did I miss something?’

  ‘Yeah a lot actually!’ shouted Clancy, his voice even louder. Passers-by were giving them both a wide berth, some of them even choosing to cross the road. ‘Turns out the person who set you up for that little crime is your pal Sal.’

  ‘Sal isn’t my pal!’ shouted Ruby. ‘Sal is Del’s pal, and why would a pal of Del’s want to set me up?’

  ‘Because Sal isn’t Sal!’ shouted Clancy.

  ‘OH YEAH?’ shouted Ruby. ‘And if Sal isn’t Sal, then who is Sal?’

  ‘Sal …’ said Clancy, stalling for a moment, aware of how crazy it was going to sound, ‘I mean, call it a hunch, but I’d stake my life on it … Sal,’ he repeated, ‘is your old friendly maniac, Lorelei von Leyden!’

  Silence.

  ‘Ruby?’

  Ruby couldn’t say anything; her throat had gone very dry.

  ‘Ruby,’ said Clancy, his voice almost whispering now, ‘are you OK?’

  ‘It’s just I know you’re right. It all fits. Lorelei von Leyden escaped from a maxium security facility two weeks ago, Sal arrived a week later, and if that isn’t enough, I happen to know she’s not too crazy about me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m number one on her list of least likely to live.’

  ‘She has a list?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Actually I get the sense she mostly spent her whole time in the can writing stuff about the various awful ways she was going to kill me. Spectrum wouldn’t even let me read it. What made you suspect Sal?’ said Ruby.

  ‘It was when the phone line cut out,’ said Clancy, his voice a little creaky. ‘Something happened, that duh brain Beetle was being a bozo and Sal lost it. I saw this look in her eye and I just knew, just like before …’ Clancy paused; the memory of his incarceration on the top of Wolf Paw Mountain was vivid. ‘I’ve been face to face with that psycho before and it doesn’t matter what disguise she puts on – once I look into her eyes, she can’t fool me. Plus, I smelled that smell she wears. Turkish delight.’

  ‘Why didn’t you call me right back?’ said Ruby.

  ‘I did, but you didn’t pick up,’ said Clancy.

  Ruby looked at him straight. ‘I have to go to Back-Spin, I have to find Del.’

  ‘Sal’s not there,’ said Clancy. ‘She finished her shift.’

  ‘Where was she going, Clance? Did she say?’

  ‘Home,’ said Clancy, ‘and who knows where that is?’

  Ruby smiled. ‘Me!’ she said, and she began walking. She knew exactly where Sal lived. She’d seen her walking into an apartment right near Lucello’s, an apartment way too up-market for a girl who worked a few shifts at the table tennis café. But it all made sense now.

  ‘Where are you going?’ called Clancy.

  ‘To find Sal,’ Ruby replied.

  ‘What? Are you insane?’ shrieked Clancy. ‘You can’t go marching up to her front door on your own.’

  Ruby stopped and turned to look at him. ‘I’m not a total idiot, Clancy. I’m going to call for backup. The last thing I want to do is take on a murder-minded individual alone. I mean what am I, crazy?’

  ‘Only occasionally,’ said Clancy but he looked relieved.

  Ruby peered into the stroller. ‘So you gotta give the watch back now, Lemon.’ She prised the Escape Watch out of his baby grip. ‘Jeepers Lemon, it’s totally covered in dribble.’ Archie was not pleased about having to give it up and looked like he was going to cry. Clancy lent in to try and soothe him and Archie took the chance to reach for Clancy’s pocket, where he could hear the jingle of house keys.

  ‘You better give ’em to him, Clance, or we’ll never hear the end of it.’

  ‘What?!’ said Clancy. Reluctantly he handed over his keys.

  Ruby was trying to radio Blacker, but it wasn’t going through. ‘Darn it,’ she said.

  She reached for the fly barrette to call Hitch instead, but it wasn’t there.

  ‘I don’t believe this!’ she said. ‘How could I have lost it?’

  So instead she typed a message to them both on the Escape Watch:

  >> URGENT.

  HAVE LOCATED LORELEI.

  SHE IS AT 479 CONSTANZA, TOP FLOOR.

  >> BRING PLENTY OF BACKUP.

  >> BE CAREFUL.

  ‘Right,’ said Ruby, ‘we better run or we’re gonna miss all the action.’

  ‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’ said Clancy.

  Ruby looked blank. ‘What?’

  Clancy pointed at the stroller.

  ‘Oh darn it,’ she said looking at Archie. ‘Where are we gonna park you?’

  And that’s when fortune struck.

  Vapona Begwell was heading towards them, weaving her way through the pedestrians on her brand-new yellow skateboard.

  ‘Hey – Begwell!’ shouted Ruby.

  Vapona looked around and came to an abrupt halt when she saw who it was.

  ‘Redfort,’ she nodded. There was no insult today.

  ‘So remember how you said you owe me one?’

  ‘I remember,’ said Vapona.

  ‘And remember how you said you hate owing people?’

  ‘Yeah, what of it?’

  ‘So I got a solution to your problem, a way of clearing your debt.’

  ‘What is it?’

  Ruby pointed to the stroller. ‘Take care of him for a couple of hours and we’re quits.’

  ‘You have to be kidding,’ said Vapona.

  ‘I’m afraid this is going to be your only opportunity to make things even, otherwise you’ll be forever in my debt,’ said Ruby.

  Vapona gave Ruby a look – it was the sort of look which said, ‘I want to sock you on the nose,’ but what she actually said was, ‘If you tell anyone that I babysat your little squirt friend here then you better be prepared to run like you never ran before.’

  ‘Relax, Vapona, I know how to keep my mouth shut. Give me your address and I’ll pick him up in a while.’

  ‘What’s its name anyway?’ asked Vapona looking into the stroller.

  ‘Archie,’ said Ruby, ‘and a word of warning: he likes to chew things.’

  While Vapona was scribbling her home details on a piece of paper, Clancy was looking at the traffic, which due to the torrential rain was pretty much gridlocked.

  Clancy looked at Vapona’s board and said, ‘Oh and we need your skateboard.’

  ‘What?’ said Vapona.

  Clancy shrugged. ‘Well, it’s not like you can use it.’

  ‘Good thinking Clance,’ said Ruby. ‘We definitely need the board.’

  Vapona gave him a very hard stare before handing it over.

  ‘Anything happens to it, Crew, and you’re dead meat.’

  And off she went with Archie.

  ‘You know Clance, yo
u can be quite the genius when you want to be.’

  ‘I know,’ said Clancy.

  Chapter 58.

  A total phoney

  NEITHER OF THEM EXPECTED TO ARRIVE AT 479 CONSTANZA AS QUICKLY AS THEY DID. They zigzagged through the stationary traffic and cut across the park, down back streets and side streets, until they reached the Village. They stashed the skateboards behind a pretentious little lemon tree to the side of the door and snuck into the building while the doorman was busy chatting to an elderly resident. Then, rather than take the elevator, just to be safe they climbed the back stairs.

  ‘What makes you think she lives on the eighth floor?’ wheezed Clancy.

  ‘Because that time I saw her, I watched, for the lights to switch on. I was curious, no reason to know – curiosity is what makes for a good spy,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Curiosity … can also … make for … a dead spy,’ said Clancy, finding it hard to get the words out – seven flights of stairs was a lot of steps. ‘How come … you’re … not out of … breath?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s the kung fu training,’ said Ruby.

  ‘The what?’ said Clancy.

  But Ruby wasn’t listening; she was looking at her watch.

  The fly that circled the dial was flashing red – the signal that meant backup had arrived. ‘They’re here!’ whispered Ruby.

  ‘One would hope!’ hissed Clancy.

  ‘You need to stay out of sight in the stairwell … Don’t move, and whatever you do, don’t come in.’

  ‘Are you sure it’s safe?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Are you kidding? Half the Spectrum SWAT team will be there by now … It’s probably the safest place to be.’

  ‘So what am I doing in the stairwell?’ complained Clancy.

  ‘Because,’ Ruby explained, ‘if anyone at Spectrum sees you, they’ll know I’ve been blabbing about classified Spectrum stuff and trouble won’t even begin to describe what I’ll be in.’

  ‘OK,’ said Clancy, ‘but be careful, that woman’s dangerously unhinged.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Like I need reminding,’ she said as she slipped through the door into the hallway.

  She tiptoed over to the apartment entrance and listened at the keyhole.

  She could hear shouts and orders, and a woman’s voice full of fury … Lorelei was not taking this lying down.

  Ruby picked the lock – it was easy when you knew how – and, making no sound to announce herself, she pushed her way in.

  She saw the purple Dash sneakers lying – one here, one there – in the hall, Sal’s coat thrown onto a chair, her sweatshirt strewn on the floor. Ruby followed the trail that led her steadily towards the noise.

  These warehouse apartments were huge, rooms leading off rooms, but Ruby just followed the clamour.

  The noise became shouts.

  ‘Put your hands on your head!’

  The next room, she thought.

  ‘You’ll never take me!’ A woman’s voice, angry and sharp.

  Ruby’s heart quickened, this was a volatile situation, a dangerous situation, let the SWAT team do their thing …

  ‘I repeat, put your hands on your head,’ a man ordered.

  The door was ajar and there was a flickering light. And all of a sudden – there was gunfire!

  Ruby threw herself to the ground, hardly daring to breathe … until she realised she was also hearing sirens and screeching tyres and slamming car doors …

  All coming from the room.

  She got to her feet and peered through the doorway to see a completely empty room, lit only by a TV screen. The voices of arresting officers and resisting criminals had become the soothing voice of a woman.

  ‘LET YOUR BABY KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO YOU BY FEEDING HIM BABY YUM-YUMS, DELICIOUS FOOD FOR THE LITTLE GUYS IN YOUR LIFE. BABY YUM-YUMS, NO SALT, NO ADDED SUGAR, JUST THE NATURAL FLAVOUR OF PURE GOODNESS.’

  Ruby slowly pushed at the door and stepped into the room.

  The commercial playing now was for deodorant and Ruby for one was beginning to sweat.

  She could see very little so she stepped like someone trying to avoid imaginary snakes. Slowly, slowly, across the floor towards another doorway.

  And then she screamed.

  Something grabbed her ankle.

  Lorelei laughed.

  She was crouching low on the floor like she was ready to spring. ‘How nice of you to visit, bubblegum girl. I wasn’t in the least expecting you.’ Her voice became conspiratorial. ‘Did your little friend tip you off?’

  Ruby twisted her foot free and stepped back and Lorelei sank down onto the floor and laughed some more.

  She looked strange, caught as she was between two faces, half Sal, half Lorelei. The amazing mask, a work of art in its way, was only partially removed, the mouth was Sal’s, but the eyes belonged to Lorelei.

  ‘Must take a lot of work being someone else,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I’m very dedicated,’ Lorelei replied.

  ‘So how do you do it?’ asked Ruby.

  Lorelei put a finger to her lips. ‘Trade secret,’ she whispered. She stared up at Ruby. ‘You know, I enjoyed being you, but I wonder, is it a burden to be Twinford Junior High’s most loved?’ She frowned, and corrected herself: ‘Was it aburden, I should say, ’cause they all despise you now, don’t they? How fickle fans can be, they love you, they hate you. You must be wondering where it all went wrong …’

  But what Ruby was wondering was, where has Hitch got to? Where is the backup? How am I going to get out of here?

  She wasn’t going to say any of that to Lorelei though.

  ‘What I am wondering,’ said Ruby, ‘is why you are wasting your precious villain-time messing with the life of a school kid?’

  ‘’Cause it’s, like, super fun,’ said Lorelei, adopting a valley-girl voice. ‘All that stuff with Del, that was a total blast. It took a while, but now she really loathes you. Clancy, he’s a tough nut to crack, I thought the note in the homework would do it, but I was wrong.’

  ‘Clancy isn’t fooled so easily,’ said Ruby.

  Lorelei sighed. ‘But I went to so much effort.’

  ‘Yeah but your Sal character,’ said Ruby, rolling her eyes, ‘I mean, please … she’s a total phoney.’

  Lorelei’s eyes flashed fury and she sprang to her feet, her face contorted into an ugly snarl.

  ‘Oh, sorry, did I touch a nerve?’ said Ruby. ‘I just thought she was a little two-dimensional – no street-smart lower-eastside girl would wear purple Dash sneakers and no kid handing out table tennis bats could afford them.’

  Meanwhile, Clancy was wondering what was taking so long. Ruby had told him the action would be over in minutes.

  He was getting a bad feeling about this. A little voice in his head told him things were not as they should be. A little voice was telling him something was wrong … A little voice … was coming from his jacket pocket – a tiny tinny little voice.

  Cautiously he pulled his coat to his ear – yes, a voice – he peered into the pocket half expecting a pixie to jump out.

  Get a grip Clance!

  He pushed his hand deep inside and felt around until his fingers closed on something small and metal. What he pulled out was Ruby’s fly barrette.

  For just a moment he looked at it blankly, wondering how it came to be there, and then it came to him – Archie Lemon.

  ‘Ruby, do you read me?’

  Clancy held the barrette to his mouth and said, ‘Hitch?’

  Silence.

  ‘It’s Clancy, are you here? Is Blacker with you? The backup? The SWAT team?’

  ‘Where’s here?’ said Hitch. ‘I see your location, but where are you?’

  ‘Lorelei’s,’ said Clancy. ‘The apartment of Lorelei von Leyden. You didn’t get the message?’

  Hitch told him to stay right where he was and that they were on their way and it would be OK and I repeat, STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! because that was an order!

  Meanwhile, Ruby an
d Lorelei were getting better acquainted.

  All the time they spoke, they were circling each other, round and round the room, slowly, like two tigers.

  ‘And so what brings you to Twinford?’ asked Ruby, never taking her eyes from Lorelei’s.

  ‘I felt like catching up with some old faces,’ she said, staring right back.

  ‘Would they be business acquaintances?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Curses, no.’ Lorelei’s voice was sharp. ‘I don’t work with or for anyone, not any more, I’m not really what you would call a “team player”.’ She shot Ruby a vicious look. ‘Not like you, Miss Goody Two-shoes.’

  Ruby wasn’t feeling much like a team player either. Where was her team anyway? ‘So whose face were you looking to see?’ she asked, pacing two steps left.

  ‘Why yours, of course,’ replied Lorelei.

  ‘I’m flattered, and now you have, what do you want?’ said Ruby, her feet settling into position below her, ready for the zigzag movements of Yellow Wind-Dragon kung fu, designed to evade an opponent’s blows.

  ‘Apart from to see you dead?’ said Lorelei.

  ‘You’re going to have to join the queue,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I hate queuing,’ said Lorelei.

  ‘I hear you,’ said Ruby. ‘Who doesn’t?’ She moved two steps right.

  ‘I don’t wait in line for anyone. But in any case,’ she added, with an evil smile, ‘why see you dead when I can see you suffer?’

  ‘And how do you propose to do that?’ said Ruby.

  And then Lorelei lashed out, and Ruby zigzagged and dodged the blow.

  ‘Is that all you got because I got something else for you.’

  ‘And what’s that?’ asked Lorelei.

  ‘This!’ screamed Ruby and she threw her head backwards and flew into a somersault and kicked Lorelei off her feet and flat on her back.

  Surprised, but only for a moment, Lorelei, did not stay down long. She propelled herself up and forward, her hands clawed, tiger-style, her kung fu every bit as rehearsed as Ruby’s, the moves flowing every bit as smoothly.

  Hitch’s words rang in Clancy’s ear, but what he asked was impossible. He could not cower in a stairway while Ruby Redfort faced terror all alone.

  He crept out of his hiding place and along the hallway, and through the open door. He heard the grunts and thuds and thwacks, cries and curses of this fight of girl versus killer.