by Dean, Ali
Ah, no wonder he waited to tell me this. I’m stuck in here with him now. The honest words should hurt me, and they do, but I know an explanation is coming and I only hope it’s enough to soothe the burn that comes with his admission.
He doesn’t continue right away, putting on a blinker to merge on the freeway.
“Why? We’re seen together at parks all the time. Please don’t tell me it’s because of Sarah Kase this time. Is she another ex-girlfriend who’s going to go crazy if she thinks we’re together?”
“We are together, Jordan,” he says. This time, there’s no growl. Actually, it’s a soft delivery, but somehow sounds really sexy. Ugh. Am I ever going to ride in this van again without being turned on?
“We won’t be if you don’t tell me why you’re suddenly embarrassed to be seen with me.”
“Embarrassed? You’re kidding me, right?”
“Well? What is it, Beck?” I demand.
“It’s complicated, Jordan.” Beck runs a hand along his jaw. It’s hard to maintain my level of frustration at the man when he looks that good so I make myself turn away and stare out the window.
“This reality show, Shred Live, the contract says I can’t be in a public relationship.”
My gaze swings right back to him. “Really?” That hadn’t even occurred to me. I was preparing for some long-winded speech about how it’s better for his image if he looks single, or how he doesn’t want Kelly to find out, or how he wants to keep it just to us and our friends for now for privacy reasons. I might have understood those explanations too, but it’d be hard to let go of this doubt that it’s not really about any of that. If he was really proud to be with me and we were the real deal, we’d tackle the other stuff. But a contract?
“Really,” Beck confirms. “It doesn’t go into effect until January 1, so we have some options on how to handle it. I wanted to explain it to you and give you a choice before it was too late.”
“Is that even legal?” I wonder.
“Yeah. I mean, I signed it. I can still be in a relationship privately, but they’re intentionally casting people who are single. It’s part of the appeal of the reality show.”
My hand presses to my stomach as it turns with that news. I’d barely processed he was going to be away filming for months; I definitely hadn’t thought about the rest of what it entailed.
“But why are you all worried about it now? We’ve been hanging out, skating together and stuff, for weeks.” I want to ask more about this contract, what it means for us, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet.
“You know why.”
“I do?” I don’t. I really don’t.
“I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off of you now that you’re mine, Jordan,” he admits like it’s a weakness.
“You managed all right,” I reply half-heartedly, trying to remember what I’m still kind of pissed about.
Beck’s still answering my question. “Cameras aren’t usually out when we’re at other parks, and it’s rarely only the two of us. I felt more comfortable, I guess because I was still telling myself we were only friends.” Beck shrugs. “If anyone asked, I had an easy answer that was truthful. Maybe I was being paranoid this morning, but it all feels different now. I don’t want to mess this up right at the start. I’m trying to do the right thing here, Jordan.”
“You try too hard to do the right thing sometimes, Beck.”
Beck laughs. “You might be right about that.”
Beck
“Let’s keep it private then,” Jordan says before we can discuss it further. “Even without the Shred Live contract, it’d be tricky if people knew we were together. I’m only starting building my platform for the Brazen brand, and I want to build a reputation in competitions on my own. Or as much on my own as I can with Brazen behind me. It’ll only complicate things further if the Kellys of the world give me a hard time for not only having Griffin helping me out, but you too.”
A hollowness fills me at her decision. It’s so damn practical, and it will make this easier for both of us. But it’s not what I want. I want everyone to know she’s mine. I want to take her out to eat right now and hold her hand and kiss her whenever and wherever I want. But she’s being smart, and it’s her decision.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I concede as we get off at the exit for her dorm. “Where are we going right now, anyway? You must be starving.” I might not be able to take her to the busy spots on campus, but I can cook her something at my place, go to a drive thru…
“You can take me to the dorm. I need to shower and I’ve got a ton of homework to do.”
That hollowness expands. She’s ditching me. I mean, I get it. We can’t spend every minute together. Usually she hangs with her girls on Sundays after we ride together, but I guess I’d hoped since they were surfing, she’d spend the day with me. I’m such a sucker.
Jordan keeps talking about having this secret relationship as if it’s not a big deal, as if it’s not going to tear my heart out to follow through with it.
“You know I wasn’t real eager to open myself up to public scrutiny with skateboarding, so doing that with my first real relationship? Yeah, it’s probably for the best we keep it secret or whatever now that I’m thinking about it. If we’re still together when you do Shred Live and people know about me? Oh man, we’d have to do like a fake breakup and I suck at lying! Then I’d die if they tried to talk about me on the show. Crap, Beckett, I forget how famous you are sometimes, and it’s only going to get worse, isn’t it?” She throws a hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean worse, sorry. But yeah, it’s a lot to think about.”
I’ve parked in front of her dorm. Does this mean I can’t even walk her inside? I feel sort of nauseous. “If we’re even together when I’m filming?” I repeat. More than anything else she’s said, those words are the most upsetting. “I plan to still be together then. Don’t you?”
Jordan blinks at me a few times. “Well yeah, sure. But Beck, come on. This is day one of this boyfriend thing. Give me a break. I’m already trying to grapple with the contract thing.”
The fucking contract thing. It is what it is. I should just be grateful she’s being so damn cool about it.
“Do you think you could come to dinner tonight?” I ask, not wanting to have to wait until tomorrow after classes to see her again.
“Dinner? Yeah, I should be able to finish homework by then. The girls might want to hang since we skipped brunch, but if they’re at the beach all day I bet they’ll have to hit the library.” I should love that she’s a loyal friend, and I do, but it’s weird being the clingy one here who would drop just about anything to spend another hour with her.
I’m pushing my luck, but I go for it anyway. “What about if it’s at my mom’s place? She’s been wanting to meet you.”
Jordan’s eyes go big. “Me? Why?”
I try not to laugh, I do. A chuckle slips out though. She’s so damn cute in her inability to see how the rest of us see her. Doesn’t she realize how we’re all tripping over ourselves to get closer to her? No, this girl is clueless about the effect she has on people.
“I know it’s only day one as your boyfriend, Jordan, but my mom’s been hearing about you for a lot longer than that. Between me and Naomi, it’s ‘Jordan this, Jordan that.’”
She narrows her eyes. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”
I laugh again. “No, I swear. She knows all about your deal with Brazen, how Summer has taken over your social media accounts for you, the video Taylor posted. My mom’s in the loop.”
“Please tell me you did not tell her I asked for help practicing kissing,” she says on a cringe.
I lean forward to pat her knee in reassurance. “She knows I’m totally into you, whether or not I said it. But all she knows is that we’re friends. Or we were. If you come tonight, I’ll let her know I finally started listening to Naomi.”
“Naomi?”
“Yeah, she gave me a little pep talk last night.
Actually she called it an intervention. After I left your dorm to drive her home, she basically told me to stop being an idiot and grow some balls.”
Jordan bites her lip, smiling, and then she’s the one laughing. “I love your sister.”
“I know.”
“All right, if I’m going to go to Callaway tonight, I better get moving on my homework.” She leans across the center console and puts a hand to my cheek. There’s no hesitation as she leans in for a quick kiss. It’s as if she’s done it a million times, and as brief as it is, as small a gesture as it is, my entire fucking heart explodes. She flashes an easy smile, and then she’s out the door, waving as she jogs up the steps to the dorm.
When I pull away, my fingers touch my lips, wondering if she’s put some spell on me. I’m in a Jordan Slattery-induced daze, and I’m totally cool with that.
Chapter Six
Jordan
After dinner with Beck’s family, I don’t see him for four days. Four days! With the exception of the week before we decided to be friends, I haven’t gone more than four days without seeing Beck since the day we met.
This time, it’s not exactly because Beck’s avoiding me – I mean, he is, and I’m avoiding him too. But we’re still talking every day on the phone or on text. The thing is, there has been a lot of buzz and speculation about me in the skateboarding world ever since the competition on Saturday. I’ve had random people approach me on campus, and I get anxiety every time I open my social media accounts and see the number of alerts waiting. I’m not exactly Beckett Steele or Griffin Perry famous, but it’s a big change to go from relative obscurity to somewhat recognizable, around here at least. Even the school newspaper put me on the front page, the freaking front page, of their print edition. It’s so weird.
So yeah, I’ve been overwhelmed by all of it. Griffin’s pumped up because his plan, apparently, is working, which means he’s trying to get me into more contests. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to keep some focus on classes and homework while it feels like everyone’s trying to get my attention for something or other.
It’s not like I have paparazzi following me around now, but I still feel weird about hanging with Beckett alone anywhere that’s remotely public. It’s dumb because he’s the real celebrity and we’ve been hanging together for weeks without me thinking twice about it. But now that I’ve gotten a taste of what it’s like to be in the limelight, I’m not real eager to magnify that. Especially now that we’re actually a couple, even if we haven’t seen each other in four days.
And then there’s the Shred Live contract.
Can’t forget about that.
It’s all too much to be seen in public with Beck right now. Which is why I took matters into my own hands and kicked Lucy out of the dorm all morning. It’s Thursday, and she’s in class anyway while I have the day off. Beck has one morning class and I’m waiting for him when he knocks gently and opens the door.
I notice he makes a point of locking it behind him, reminding me of the excuse he had for getting up the other night. I’m sitting at my tiny little desk, reading an email from Griffin about a competition in Oregon he wants to get me into. Oregon? Does he expect me to fly there? It’s supposedly in two weeks, and he knows the event director so as long as I give him a green light it should be a done deal. He’s paying me, and I know our contract said Brazen would pay for travel expenses to competitions, but that seems so excessive. The company doesn’t even officially launch for over two months!
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Beck asks, leaning against the door frame. “I haven’t seen you in days and you’re giving me this pouty face. I was hoping for at least a hello kiss.”
“A hello kiss?” I don’t know why that sounds funny to me right now. “What’s a hello kiss?”
“Come here and I’ll show you.”
I roll my eyes but stand up and walk toward him. A kiss sounds really awesome actually.
“You put your arms around my neck like this.” He takes my hands and puts them where he wants them until I’ve got my fingers linked. “Then you go up on your tiptoes because you can’t wait for me to bend down.”
I’m smiling as I do what he says. “You’re such a dork. I had no idea you were such a dork,” I murmur, strangely turned on by his dorkiness.
“You know what to do next, right?”
I kiss him, and it’s probably more than a hello kiss. It’s an “I really missed you” kiss too. I get a little carried away, letting out all the stress I’ve been holding on to these past few days, and realizing how badly I needed him, needed this.
When I finally pull back, Beck is practically panting and his eyes have gone from that teasing look to a hazy one I’m starting to get to know a little better.
“Okay, maybe go sit back on your chair now,” he says while untangling my hands from around his neck.
I flash him the same pouty face I had earlier but I agree, because I don’t really know how to navigate being alone in here with Beck. I could try, but honestly I’m too worked up to think straight now that we’ve kissed and all I really want to do is throw myself on him. Literally, I want to jump on him and kind of attack him. It’s sort of embarrassing, so I just sit backwards on the chair, straddling it, and he does the same with Lucy’s chair.
Beck grimaces. “Sorry, I don’t want you to think I just came over here to make out with you.”
“You don’t? You can.” Funny, I was thinking the same thing.
“Just because you’re my girlfriend now, Jordan, doesn’t mean that’s all I want to do with you when we spend time together.” He pauses. “Wait, is that why you agreed to this? You’re just using me, aren’t you?” He’s only half kidding, I can see that in the way he looks at me from under his eyelashes, like he actually needs reassurance. Beckett Steele kills me sometimes.
“I’m not using you for sex or to get famous or any of that, Beck,” I tell him as straight-faced as possible. Because, well, duh.
Beck lets out a half choke, half cough. “I didn’t say anything about sex, Jordan.”
Oh. I figured we’d talk about that eventually. But not now. There’s way too much already without dealing with the issue of my virginity.
I take a deep breath, trying to remember what I was going to tell him. “I didn’t ask you to come over so I could maul you. At least, that’s not the only reason. I wanted to see you, and I’m having this weird anxiety about being with you in public.”
“Because of the Shred Live thing? I respect you want to keep us private, Jordan. Now that we’ve made that call, we’ll just act like we always have when we hang together. I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
My lips press together, unable to keep from smiling at how earnest Beck sounds. If I thought he made comments that made me feel special to him before, I had no idea just how much more of that he had to give. He’s been holding back more than I realized.
“It’s not just that, Beck. Ever since I competed on Saturday and Griff announced the next day I’d be repping Brazen, I feel like I’m in the spotlight. Random people come up to me on campus. It’s so weird.”
Beck’s brow furrows. “But you went skateboarding Tuesday with Griffin, Taylor, and our sisters when I had class. You feel comfortable with them but not me?”
Before I can open my mouth to try to explain, he keeps going. “It’s the Shred Live thing, isn’t it? It makes being around me riskier now that you know about it. You learned about the reality show the same day we decided to be together so that makes sense.”
I don’t know what to say to that so I tell him about the rest of it. All the things making me break out in a sweat simply sitting in this chair.
“Beck, I go on Instagram and I’ve got hundreds of notifications from people, probably all strangers. Facebook too. Even if Summer had time to respond to all of them, which she doesn’t, she’s telling me I have to do it. That people want to hear from me. This is what I was afraid of, and now that it’s really happening, I don’t know
if can handle it. It freaks me out.” There. I said it. I’m a total wuss. I can balance myself upside down on a ledge with one hand while holding my board, but I can’t bring myself to interact with, gulp, fans. I have fucking fans. Maybe even some haters, but they both scare me just the same. What do they want from me? What do they expect from me?
Beck watches me as I wring my hands together. This isn’t really about him or us. Sure him being famous doesn’t help and him going on a reality TV show definitely doesn’t help, but either way, I’d be dealing with this.
“I guess I can’t relate as much to the anxiety-inducing part of it, but I totally get not wanting to deal with strangers through a screen. It was different for me because I gained a following real slowly, and Griff and I started competing ten years ago, before there was instant access to us like there is now. Well, there was, but it wasn’t this bad. We’re not that old,” he adds.
“As soon as we were any good, we were at the competitions, but you’re basically starting out already at the level of some of the top women in the world. With Griff and Brazen behind you? Yeah, it’s going to happen fast.” He shakes his head. “I guess we knew that, Griff knew it, that’s why he wanted you. I feel shitty that you’re stressing so hard about it, though. What can I do to help?”
“Uh, you want to go through and answer all these people?” I start to reach for my phone to hand it over.
“Hell no, I already have to do that for my stuff. Naomi helps, but I do a lot of it myself.”
“What kind of boyfriend are you? I thought you wanted to help.”
“We’ll do it together. Once you get the hang of it, it’s really not a big deal. You don’t have to do or say much, or even respond to everyone. I can tell you the best way to respond without opening a dialogue. Then you just spend like twenty minutes every day and make it a habit and it won’t overwhelm you so bad.”
We spend an hour side by side scrolling through. There are dozens of requests for direct messages that I haven’t touched yet, and Beck says I have to open all of them. Until I get more followers, I should respond to everyone, otherwise it will seem like a diss. It’s tedious and we’re only halfway through when I let Beck off the hook, feeling guilty for making him spend his time doing something so mundane. It’s only a small piece of what’s stressing me anyway, and I’ve got to learn to deal. Things are changing in my life. Most of it’s good stuff, things I’m pumped about. But that doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out. I was happy doing my own thing, I just hope I can get back to that carefree vibe I had going on. It’s not like I want to avoid challenges, hell I’m eager to compete again, but it’s rough when the fun stuff doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
