The It's Kind Of Personal (Complete 6 Book Series)ies

by Anna Brooks

  “Hi, umm … It’s Lisa.”

  “Are you okay?” I sit up straighter, ready to take off if needed.

  “Yes. Well, you said I could call and—”

  “Yeah, baby. What’s wrong?”

  “I blew a fuse and I think the box thing is in the basement, but that fuse blew too and I can’t find a flashlight—”

  “I’ll be over in five.”

  I hang up and splash some water on my face before I go over to her place. She opens the front door before I get up the steps, and I pause, taking her in. She looks good. Beautiful. Mine.

  “Thank you for stopping.” She waves me in.

  “I told you anything, and I meant it.” I walk into her kitchen and pull my phone out to turn the flashlight on. “Your fuse box is in the basement?”

  “I think so. I’ve never had this happen before.”

  I whip my head in her direction. “So you remember being here?”

  “Oh, umm, no.” She trips over her words. “I just meant that from what I can remember, I’ve never had this happen.”

  I don’t believe her, and when I get back from flipping the switch on the fuse box, I try to figure out how to play this. She obviously just wanted me to come over because I know her, and she’s more than capable of doing what I just did. In fact, she’d rather do it herself than ask for help, so something is definitely up. I chuckle at the lame excuse she used but smile at the fact that she wanted to see me.

  “All set.” I tuck my phone back in my pocket and head for the front door. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

  Chapter 12

  Lisa

  I NEED YOU, I want to shout at him.

  “Wait. Umm, do you want a beer or something?”

  He pauses at the door a second before facing me. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

  “Have a seat.” I point to a chair at the kitchen table.

  He pulls it out and flips it around then straddles it. I sit across from him and slide a beer over to him. My fingers stay busy with peeling the label off my water bottle. Now that he’s here, I don’t know what I even want from him. I don’t remember him per se, but I keep having dreams about him. Little flashes of us together like a flipbook.

  “How are you feeling?” He licks his lips after taking a drink.

  I remember those lips all over me. Shit, I remember. “Good. Better.”

  “That’s good. Why are you pretending you don’t remember me?”

  His question catches me off guard, and I choke on my water. “What?”

  “You’re looking at me different this time. You remember, don’t you?”

  “No,” I lie.

  I’m still coming to terms with everything as it comes to me. I’ve realized years have passed since I lost Brad, and I thought going back to my own house would help. I started having dreams about Nik and those turned into me seeing his fucking gorgeous face everywhere.

  “Don’t lie, baby. You sucked at it before, and you’re even worse now.” The smile on his face tells me he’s slightly joking. “You need time, and that’s okay. I can give you that.”

  Suddenly, a memory takes hold. His lips working against mine. My hands gripping his arms. The background is blurry, but there’s no denying the passion between us.

  “Lisa?” His voice is blurry in the distance.

  No, I need to see what happens. I focus on the memory and block him out. My heartbeat is really fast; I can feel it even though I’m not there. Suddenly, I push him away. I can’t sleep with you because I won’t put myself in a position to be destroyed again, and you might not know it, but you have that power already.

  I stand and shake my head. No. Did I love him? I couldn’t have. I love Brad. “You need to leave.” I back away from him as he comes closer to me.

  “Hey.” His voice is soft as he approaches. “It’s okay. It was just as scary going through it the first time too. I’ve never felt about anyone what I feel about you. And you feel the same way about me. You just have to stop pushing me away.”

  I shake my head, my hands fisting defensively. “No. No, I don’t. I love my husband. I don’t love you.”

  He sighs and presses his lips together. “Call me if you need anything else, okay? I’ll wait for you, baby. Because once you remember, we’re going to start making even better memories.”

  * * *

  My mom rushes inside my house after I frantically called her. “What’s the matter?”

  “Did I love him?”

  “Who?”

  “Nik. Was I in love with him?”

  She puts a hand on her heart and sits on the couch. “You scared the ever-loving crap out of me.”

  “Sorry. He was just here, and I’ve been having memories of him and I’m so confused!” I scream the last part and plop down on the couch. “This is awful. God, why can’t I just remember?”

  “It’s only been a month, honey. The doctors said it could take some time.”

  “It’s one thing to lose your memory but another to relive the worst part of your life. It’s not fucking fair. It’s not fair.”

  “Oh, Lisa.” Mom pulls me into her arms, and I cry so hard it’s hard to breathe. My lungs burn, my head throbs, and my sobs wrack my entire body.

  I cry for losing Brad, for not remembering I lost him and having to go through the pain of losing my other half again. For not knowing what the fuck I’ve been doing with my life and feeling guilty for having these strange feelings for Nik when I don’t even know who the fuck he really is.

  Eventually I calm down, and my mom pulls me to the bathroom and draws a bath for me. I sit naked in the tub, staring at the bubbles, watching them slowly pop and fade away. I sink down until the water comes up to my cheeks and I close my eyes. The echo in my head from being underwater helps drown out some of the thoughts and I sink even lower.

  When my chest begins to sting, I push myself up and gasp for air. I slick my hair back away from my eyes and pant as my body regains its composure. The water slides down onto the floor as I step on the tile and wipe the steam off the mirror.

  I examine myself up close. The small wrinkles around my eyes are an indication of my age and make me realize how much time truly has passed since Brad. I can’t believe that I would move on, but it’s entirely possible, I guess.

  We order Chinese, and I fall asleep at seven thirty, completely and thoroughly exhausted … I don’t know how much more I can take.

  * * *

  The following day, more memories rise from the fog in my mind, and I’m drawn to the pub since a lot of them involve this place. I stand outside of it, and since it’s one thirty in the morning, the street is pretty empty. A couple walks out and the man holds the door for me, so I go inside.

  Nik immediately notices me and walks around from behind the bar and grabs my hand. I don’t pull it away because it feels nice. It feels … familiar.

  “Hey.” He gives me a tug toward an empty section of the bar.

  “I wanted to see what this place was like for myself.” I look around to avoid the intensity rolling off him, but like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn back to the sharp angles of his face.

  “God, I miss you.” He crowds me into the bar top, and I lick my lips. His eyes dart to them and he cups my face with both of his hands then runs a thumb across the wetness. “Fuck, baby. Hurry up and remember me.”

  “What do you miss?”

  “Everything. I miss your attitude and the stupid fucking games you’d play to try and challenge me. I miss the soft smiles you’d give me when you thought no one was looking. I miss being able to touch you. I miss the rare occasion when you’d actually let me in. Knowing I had even a small piece of you was enough for me to fight for us because it was the most real thing I’d ever had in my life and I wanted more of it. I wanted more of you.” He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine. “I want you.”

  My throat tightens, and I put my hands on his chest and pull him closer before I push him away. Shit, shit, shit
. I loved him. “I wish I remembered that much. But honestly, the only thing I think of when I think of you is a good fuck.” I pivot on my feet and run out of the bar then push even faster to get home.

  Once inside my house, I collapse against the door and slide down to the hardwood. Everything comes back to me. Everything I’ve wanted to know. All the questions I wanted the answers to. The truths I was afraid to face. All of it.

  Years of memories burst in my brain. Explosives force their way inside my head. I grip my hair and tug, desperate to make the pain go away. The knock on the door, the funeral, the random men, the blurred faces. The days and nights and weeks, months of loneliness.

  But then, in the distance, a kind of clarity begins to form. A weight lifts from my chest and I can breathe again; the fogginess is now sharp and clear, and then he’s there. His smile, his eyes, the intensity of his gaze when he looks at me, his hands worshipping me, his body inside mine. Nik.

  A sob erupts from my gut and blazes up through my throat. I shake from being cold and confused and scared. My achy bones unable to support me anymore, I lean over and rest my cheek on the floor. I close my eyes and pray that when I wake up, this will all just be a horrific dream, because I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal anymore.

  Chapter 13

  Nik

  I LET HER LEAVE a few weeks ago. Let her run out of the bar and out of my life. I can’t force her to remember or to be with me, but that lame-ass insult she threw at me was such bullshit. I finally have everything with my sister taken care of, and as soon as my plane landed from Vegas, I knew I was going to see Lisa.

  She may be fighting this, but I’m not. I gave her time, and she damn well knows who I am and what I am to her, what she is to me … what we are to each other. It was ridiculous before, playing these stupid fucking games, but I’m done.

  To get a better view, I park on the opposite side of her house and shut my lights off. No sooner do I lean back in the leather seat does she come into view, stepping out of a guy’s car. He gets out and follows her to her porch.

  “Oh, fuck no.”

  I’m not gonna tolerate this shit anymore; she’s fucked around long enough. I know she remembers me. And if she wants to continue pretending she doesn’t … I’m about to make her.

  My door slams louder than intended, drawing both of their attention to me. She looks like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar, and he stands straighter. Fuckin’ preppy ass with loafers and slicked over hair. I stand at the foot of her step and cross my arms.

  “Lisa.”

  She looks back and forth between the two of us and swallows. “Hi.”

  “I suggest you leave.” I don’t take my eyes off her, but my statement is clearly directed at dick face.

  “I’m not leaving.” He copies my stance and crosses his arms, but I shake my head and can’t help the humorless laugh that leaves me. “You are.” He steps closer to Lisa and throws an arm around her shoulder.

  Violence like I’ve never felt before strangles me, and without thinking, I grab the gun that’s tucked into the back waistband of my jeans and point it at his head.

  “Fuck, man!”

  “Nik, stop.”

  “I’ll leave.” He holds his hands up in surrender and slowly walks to his car. I track him and when he peels away, I put my weapon back.

  “Fuckin’ pussy.”

  “I can’t believe you,” Lisa spits at me. “You’re such a brooding asshole.”

  “Ah, so you remember what Meara said about me.” I stalk up the creaky wooden steps and stop inches from her. “She was right. I’ll bite if you want me to.”

  She rolls her eyes and digs in her purse for her keys. “Go away.”

  “No.”

  “I don’t want you here, Nik.”

  “Yes, you do. Stop fighting it.”

  I grab the strap of her purse and tug her to me, slamming my mouth to hers. She grabs me back and her fingers tug at my hair, the keys in her hand scraping against my scalp. But I’ll take it. I’ll take the fucking pain if that means she’s acknowledging me. She wraps a leg around me, and I press her into the vinyl siding. Her throaty moans drive me fucking insane. But then suddenly she stops. She freezes and pushes me away.

  “No!” She screams and drops her keys. When she stands from picking them back up, she tilts her chin up in defiance. “I don’t want that. I don’t want what you thought we had. I can’t … Please. If you care about me at all, you’ll leave me be.” A single tear rolls down her face, and by the time I blink, her back is to me. She’s opening her door, and the wood slams in my face mere seconds later.

  * * *

  My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I already know what it’s going to say before I open it. Sure as shit, it’s my best friend, Declan, canceling on me tonight. He just got back into town recently, but he told me he ran into his ex, Amie, the other day, so I’m sure he’s dealing with her. Those two were even more obnoxious than Meara and Liam; it’s only a matter of time before they hook back up.

  Fuck it, I’m already here, and if he’s not coming, I’ll continue to wallow in my own misery alone. And like magic, another whiskey appears in front of me. I throw some bills on the counter and stand, facing the busy crowd. Nightclubs aren’t normally my thing, but I’m looking to try and keep my mind off a certain brunette who haunts me. Who keeps me up at night, who causes my heart to physically ache. Who rejected me enough times for me to know I can’t have her because as much as I wanted it to be true, she doesn’t need me like I need her. Sucks but the realization hit me a couple of weeks ago when she slammed the door in my face.

  A redhead with her hair in messy curls walks over to me. Her long legs are covered in tight black leather. She puts her hand out, and I throw back the rest of my drink then allow her to drag me to the dance floor. The back of her silver top is bare, and when she abruptly turns, the side of her tit flashes against the bright material.

  I grip her around the waist and pull her close. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her chest against mine. Our bodies sway and grind against each other. Forcing Lisa out of my mind, I lower my head and am assaulted by the vanilla smell of her hair. I inhale, desperate to push Lisa’s fruity scent out of my mind.

  Fuck.

  Nothing’s working. Even this girl’s thigh rubbing against my cock isn’t doing it. I’m in the process of stepping away from her, and when I look up, my eyes collide with the wounded blue ones of Lisa. She gasps and covers her mouth then walks backward. Her hasty retreat causes her to bump into a table, so she turns and runs down the hallway.

  “Gotta go.” I peel the redhead away from me and ignore her pleas for me to come back. I push through bodies and tables only to find the hallway Lisa disappeared down empty. Jogging through the dimly lit corridor, I finally make my way to the back entrance and push the handle of the steel door.

  In the alley, her figure disappears around the corner. I take off even faster and catch up with her right as she gets to the bottom of the stairs. My fingers wrap around her dainty arm. “Stop fucking running.”

  “Let me go.”

  “No! I tried that. I tried to let you go, but I fucking can’t.”

  She turns and backs up into the large brick wall. “Certainly didn’t look like you couldn’t back there.”

  “Jealous?”

  “Disgusted.”

  “What?” I let go of her arm and raise an eyebrow at her. “But you brought a guy home to fuck … tell me, Lisa, you let anyone else in your bed?”

  “It’s kind of personal.”

  “Is this another one of your games? Trying to make me jealous? Driving me insane?” I step closer to her and cradle her face in my hands. “Making me fall so fucking hard for you?”

  She reaches up and grabs onto my wrists, her guard slowly fading. I take the opportunity to remind her why we’re so good together. The moment my lips touch hers, her nails bite into my skin through my blue button-down. She looks into my eyes, and I dee
pen the kiss, sliding my tongue against hers, slow, soft. Her lids flutter closed, and she moans, causing me to lean into her more, searching for the warmth of her body.

  She melts against me, and I pull back then kiss her parted lips one more time before tilting her chin up so she can see me. “Remember me now?”

  Her head falls forward and wetness soaks into the sleeves of my shirt. I give her a moment, because I need one, too. She finally lifts her head back up, and I wipe her tears away with my thumbs.

  “I’m so afraid I’m going to lose you, Nik. It’s easier to pretend I don’t feel anything for you than to admit how severely in love with you I am. How I’ve never felt for anyone, anyone,” she emphasizes, referring to her ex-husband, “the kind of deep-rooted, soul-shattering intensity that I do for you … the thought of having it taken away petrifies me so badly that—”

  “Nothing’s taking me away from you.”

  “You can’t promise that.”

  I crowd into her even closer. “I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to stay with you as long as my heart is beating. I promise you there never was or never will be another woman who even comes close to you. I can promise that while we’re together, I’ll protect you and keep you safe even if it means risking my life for yours. When we have kids, I promise you I will be the kind of man who our babies can look up to and admire. I fucking promise you that I will love you with everything I am, everything that I ever will be, until the day I die … but even in death, I won’t stop loving you, because my soul will forever be yours.”

  Chapter 14

  Lisa

  FOR SUCH A TOUGH guy on the outside, he says the best and most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. I don’t deserve him. “I’ve been such a bitch to you. I’ve pushed and I’ve lied and I’ve tested you. I’m a horrible person.” For more reasons than one.

  “You have done those things, but you’re not a horrible person.”