Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

“Luca, I just had to finish the mission, okay? I needed those girls to be safe.”

  “I know these missions are important to you, okay? I fucking know that! But I hate it. I hate every second you put yourself in danger and I can’t have your back. I hate that I can’t be there with you and protect you and now I can’t even fucking trust you to take care of yourself? It was hard enough now I’m going to lose my shit every time I can’t fucking see you on these damn runs.”

  I run my hands through my hair as I start pacing back and forth in front of her. She just stays quiet and I notice Mikey come over with bandages as he quietly starts patching her up.

  I don't even know how to put everything I’m feeling in words, “I hate that I have to worry about you all the damn time, Letty. I’m so fucking scared you’re going to let the demons consume you and you don’t even care enough to live until the end of this.”

  “That’s not true,” she interrupts. For half a second I thought she would own up to the darkness in her that tells her to give up. I thought she would tell me she isn’t okay and accept the help I’m offering. But no, she’s standing there, tears flowing down her face, blood dripping down her arm and lying to my face that she’s fine.

  “Isn’t it?” I retort back, “You never want back up, you take unnecessary risks, you make a point to search out guards even when you don’t have to. It’s like you don’t care if you fucking die, you just want to take as many of them with you as you can. I’m so fucking scared you’re gonna let your demons win and leave me behind,” I whisper.

  She grabs my face and makes me look her in the eyes, “I’m not leaving you, Luca. I don’t want to die.”

  “Then why the fuck can’t you just take care of yourself?”

  “It just didn’t seem like that big of a deal,” she shrugs as she drops her hold on my face and steps away. Fucking shrugs.

  “A gunshot wound isn’t a big deal?” I laugh at her, but the sound is hollow and dark, “You don’t think that’s just your demons talking?”

  “I’ve lived through worse.”

  I sigh knowing she has but that’s the problem, isn’t it? I can’t see her with the blood dripping down her body like that without thinking about everything else she has been through. When is her luck going to run out? It’s like she just doesn’t get that. What can I fucking say to her, so she understands?

  I grab her face in both my hands and start praying to a god I don’t believe in that my words will finally penetrate into that thick skull of hers, “You don’t want to admit to it? Fine. You can’t tell me about the voices calling for your pain and destruction? Cool. I can’t force you to confront that, but listen to this and listen really fucking good, Letty.” I take a deep breath and get ready to say the words that have been true for most of my life but have only ever been spoken aloud once.

  “I fucking love you, okay? You’re the whole goddamn world to me. So, if you can’t fucking take care of yourself for you. Do it for me. Do it for fucking me because I can’t live without you. If you die, I die too.”

  More tears slip down her face, and Mikey walks away. I reach out and brush her tears away, “Please, Letty,” I beg her and press my forehead against hers, needing to be closer to her. She knows I’m begging, and she knows that I’m talking about so much more than just this one incident. I let my biggest fear out, the one that I’ve only voiced once before when I asked Kade for help all those months ago.

  I have been absolutely terrified that she won’t have any reason to continue living after she gets her revenge. That she doesn’t care if she lives through it or not.

  “I’m so sorry, Luca,” she chokes out to me. I can see it written all over her face as I pull away. I’m right. She had no intention of living through this, just long enough to take out the ones who hurt her.

  I feel my heart splintering into a thousand pieces at the thought of losing her. I’m not lying to her. I'd follow her anywhere, including into an early grave. I just want so much more for her, more for us. I beg with my eyes. I try to say everything that I can’t say with words. Not yet. But just maybe, maybe one day I’ll be able to. I just need us both to fucking live long enough for that.

  “I promise,” she whispers, the free-flowing tears turning into soft sobs, “I promise to live. For you, I can live.”

  I can feel the truth radiating through her words. I grab her and pull her into my chest, pressing my nose into her hair. Smelling the scent that is so uniquely Scar. I press kisses against the top of her head, and I can feel her slightly shaking as she silently cries in my arms, breaking down for the first time in years.

  I hold her tight against me and I can’t help the tears that slip out of my own eyes. I just need to feel her and smell her and know she’s here. I know her wound isn’t serious, and I may be overreacting, but I can’t help it. This girl has had so many close calls already. I’m terrified her luck is going to run out and I’m petrified that she doesn’t care enough and one day she’s just going to give up the fight.

  As I stand there breathing her in, I can't help but think about the first time I saw her dripping blood.

  Kade moved into my apartment with me as soon as he aged out of the group home. There was plenty of room for the two of us. We are both used to not having a lot of space so having our own space feels like a heaven.

  The only thing both of us hate is that we had to leave Letty behind. She’s been so goddamn quiet since the incident. She won’t talk about it at all. She’s always been so sweet and had such a sunshiny, outgoing personality, but now she’s withdrawn so far into herself.

  I know she’s being bullied at that stupid fancy school of hers. Kade interrupted some guys harassing her not that long ago, including her cock sucking boyfriend. Now ex, thank god. I wish I could go kill those fucks. I know that hasn’t been the only issue though. She went from being a queen bee to a pauper. All of her old friends have turned their backs on her from the scandal. She won’t talk about that either.

  I’ve tried bringing up what I’ve heard a few times, but she always just waves it off like the rumors are exaggerated. I don’t think they are though. I see the life bleeding out of her. Like she's just going through the motions. I don’t know what Kade and I can do to help her.

  She didn’t even want to do anything for her eighteenth birthday. Now that she’s aged out, we want to move into a nicer place. We want to take care of her as much as she will let us. Kade and I have both been working our asses off as much as we can in order to save up. That’s where he is now. We’re planning on bringing it up with her this weekend when we move her in.

  Someone banging on the door draws me out of my thoughts and plans for the future.

  What the fuck?

  I go and answer the door. The last thing I expect to find is Letty bruised and bloody on my doorstep. I stop and just stare at her as I take in the damage. Her lip is bleeding and already swelling, her right eye turning black and blue. Blood is pouring down her arm.

  “Letty,” I whisper in shock.

  As soon as she hears my voice, she bursts into tears and throws herself at me. I pull her to my chest and wrap her in my arms, holding her tight as I slam the door behind her.

  I lead her over to the couch and grab the first aid kit as I start cleaning and patching her up. The blood dripping down her arm seems to be from a fucking stab wound. This is a lot more than an ex and his friends harassing her.

  “What the fuck happened?” I ask her gently.

  “I’ll tell you,” she promises, “I’ll tell you everything.”

  “It’s okay, sweet girl, “I whisper to her. “I got you.”

  She looks up at me with those beautiful green eyes, so full of pain and sadness. Fuck, I’m so gone for this girl. I have been for such a long time. She studies me carefully, her gaze flicking down to my lips before darting back up to my eyes. Her tongue flicks out to trace her own lips and I can’t help but follow the path she traces. I realize we both have moved closer to each other, our noses almo
st touching now.

  “Luca,” she exhales, and I can taste her breath on my lips. I inhale sharply.

  “Letty,”

  “Kiss me,” she whispers.

  I’m already shaking my head, “You’re hurt.” Fuck, I want to so bad. I’ve dreamed of this moment for years, but I can’t take advantage of her like this. She’s upset and hurting.

  “Please,” she begs, “I need to feel something good. You’re one of the only good things left. Please.”

  I gently press my lips against hers unable to resist her. I need to feel her too. Feel she’s still here, not about to drift away, once again floating just out of my grasp. I want to give her something good to hold onto. She leans into my body and I pull her into my lap, cuddling her close as I slip my tongue out to trace the path she took just a moment ago.

  She moans at the contact and opens her mouth, inviting me in. I sweep my tongue into her mouth, tasting her sweetness. Better than I ever could have imagined, like the air after it rains but with a sharp bite of copper. An intoxicating taste I can’t get enough of.

  I rest my hands on her waist and squeeze. Trying to get her to stop moving her hips against me and also trying to keep my own hands from exploring her body.

  “More, please,” she begs.

  “I can’t hurt you, Letty.”

  “You won’t. Please Luca, I need this.”

  “Letty,” I beg. “Why are you doing this? You know I can't say no to you for anything. Especially when I want you so damn bad.”

  “I want you too, please. I’ll tell you everything after.”

  “I don’t want you to regret this tomorrow,” I tell her, terrified I’m taking advantage of her.

  “I could never regret you, Luca, I love you,” she whispers so softly, I almost think I heard her wrong.

  “You love me?” I ask, shocked.

  “I think as much as I’m capable of right now,” she admits.

  “Kade?” I ask almost scared for her answer.

  She looks me right in the eye and nods, “He’s the only other good thing I have.”

  I nod, understanding we both have been her anchors to reality. “I love you, Letty. I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

  Tears slip down her cheeks and she slams her lips into mine again. It's wet and messy and full of emotion. It's perfect and lights a fire in me.

  “Please,” she begs.

  I can’t say no to her, “I’d do anything for you, Letty.”

  “Give me something good to hang on to.”

  “I’ve got you, sweet girl,” I say as I kiss her again and let my hands wander up her sides and pull off her shirt to expose her breasts.

  Fuck they’re perfect. I roll her nipples between my fingers as I put all the years of love and longing into my kiss. Wanting her to feel how much she means to me with every sweep of my tongue against hers.

  Her body is covered in angry scars, healed but not yet faded. God she’s perfect. There are way more scars than I ever would have thought. Fucking hell, what happened to her?

  I look at her eyes and see the insecurities and self-doubts there. “Fuck, you’re beautiful, Letty.” I don’t want her thinking about her scars right now, or whatever happened today. I’ll get answers out of her, but I can see she needs this. I want to give her everything. Anything she needs.

  She gives me a small smile and I lean down and flick my tongue against her nipple. She gasps at the sensation and I gently blow on her wet nipple and watch as they tighten and her whole body shudders.

  I gently bite down on it with my teeth and she moans as she arches her body into mine, “More.”

  “Patience, sweet girl,” I murmur, determined to take this slow.

  I pick her up and she wraps her legs around me, and I walk her back into my room and lay her against my bed. I shed my shirt and pants before crawling up into the bed next to her, keeping my boxers on for now.

  I flip her skirt up and push her panties to the side and I kiss her right on her lips. Fuck she’s so wet. She gasps, “What are you doing?’

  “Have you done this before?” I ask her, even though I’m pretty sure I know her answer.

  She shakes her head and I grin at her, “Lay back and relax, you’ll like this.”

  She nods and lays back. I love the trust she has in me. I pull her panties down and toss them to the side. I lick her from her entrance all the way up to her clit where I circle it. She bucks up against my face and moans. I wrap my arms around her thighs and hold her tight as I feast on her sweet little pussy like it's my last meal.

  I bring her to a shaking and messy climax but don’t stop the onslaught of my tongue on her clit. As she starts getting close again, shaking and crying out my name, I slip a finger into her entrance as I keep my tongue flicking against her clit. I slowly thrust my finger in and out of her wet heat, fuck she’s so tight. She clenches around my fingers and screams my name. I continue as she works her way through her second climax.

  Fuck, this girl is stunning.

  I let her have a few moments to rest before pulling my finger out of her and kissing up her body and placing another kiss on her forehead.

  I lay back and pull her against my chest. I figure she can take a nap and then tell me what happened.

  Letty clearly has different ideas. My eyes snap open as her hands pull down my boxers to release my dick. “What are you doing?” I stammer.

  She looks at me with so much fire in her eyes I can’t reconcile her with the same girl who was crying on my doorstep. She doesn’t say anything just smiles before bending down to lick around the head of my cock.

  “Letty,” I gasp.

  “I want to make you feel good too,” she says.

  “You don’t have too, sweet girl,” I just don't want to take advantage of her, but she looks like I slapped her.

  “Do you not want me?”

  “What the fuck? Of course, I do! I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought about this moment.”

  “So, can we do this? Please?”

  “You’re in charge, sweet girl.”

  Her whole face brightens, and she gives me the most beautiful smile.

  She adjusts herself and grabs my cock in her hand as she moves it to her entrance. I can’t hold in the groan. “Are you sure?” I have to ask.

  She nods before she starts sinking down on me,” Go slow,” I warn her.

  She goes so slow it's almost torture. She’s so wet and so tight, I’ve never felt anything as good as she feels wrapped around my cock. I watch her face as she scrunches her nose up in concentration. I can’t believe how damn adorable she is or how lucky I am.

  I let her adjust to my size once she is fully seated on me before I start moving. She gasps, “You feel so good.”

  “Fuck, sweet girl, if you’re gonna say shit like that, I’m going to embarrass myself.”

  I grab her hips and help show her how to move, and we lose each other in the new sensations of being joined together. I already know she is it for me. No one else will ever compare to her again. I grit my teeth and try to hold out so I can make her come one more time.

  I move my hand to start rubbing circles on her clit. As soon as she clenches around me, I can't hold on any longer and I follow after her into climax.

  We lay in each other's arms and I stroke her hair as she starts telling me her truth. She starts from the beginning of the incident with her family, and she doesn’t stop until she reaches the attack earlier today.

  I hold her and listen to everything as the poison spews out of her, like once she started, she couldn’t stop. I don’t interrupt her, wanting her to get everything out. I listen and soak in every detail, feeling my heart crack and splinter for my girl with every truth she tells me.

  My rage grows at the pain she’s gone through. I wish I could take all the pain away from her. I tense as she tells me the details of the attack and I’m shocked as I realize this was the first time she’s willingly had sex.

  My h
eart breaks and grows simultaneously for everything she went through and still chose to trust me with such a special gift.

  We lay there and she talks for hours. When she finishes, the air is heavy with unspoken words. We both know what she has to do but neither of us wants to say it.

  I’m the first cave after several tense minutes. I sigh, “You have to disappear.”

  She nods against my chest.

  “I’ll disappear with you,” I promise.

  “I can’t ask that of you,” she says.

  “You’re not, Letty.” There’s no way I could abandon her now. No way I could ever let her go again. How would she survive all alone? She’s lost everything in her life, everything that was worth a damn to her, gone. In the blink of an eye everything changed, and she was left behind. I refuse to let her continue the pattern and leave me. I refuse the let the darkness take her from me.

  We lay there, tangled up in each other for hours before I speak again, “So what’s your new name going to be?”

  “I think I want to go by Scar.”

  “Scar?” I question. I have no idea where that came from.

  She fidgets against me, “That’s what the kids at school call me,” she admits. I fucking knew she was being bullied. “They say I’m too scarred, too damaged now to be wanted, to be loved.”

  “You want to own the name they used to try and push you down?” I ask, understanding how her mind works.

  She nods against me again and I smile. “And you could still call me Letty. People will think it's short for Scarlett,” she whispers.

  My heart swells with my love for this girl, “I love it.”

  We both pulled away after that, never acknowledging it happened or the words that were spoken to each other. That was the day Scar was born, the day she started building and reinforcing her walls and stopped letting people in, even me. The darkness I first spotted grew in leaps and bounds after that, but I never let it take her from me. I never lost her. I still refuse to let that happen now.

  “God, Letty, I love you so much,” I whisper to her one more time as she shakes in my arms. I lift my cheek away from the top of her head and wait for her to look up at me. Her eyes are watery and rimmed red from crying, she has tears still flowing down her face and fuck. She’s never looked more beautiful. I dip my head and press my lips to hers. In this moment she is just Letty and I put all my love and longing into this one kiss.