Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  It’s wet and messy and full of emotion and utterly fucking perfect.

  I know when I pull away, she will go back to being Scar and I will go back to being just her boss, but I’ll have this moment. I’ll have this moment and her promise. I just have to trust that will be enough to get us through this.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I stand to the side and watch the only two people I’ve ever truly cared about break down in front of me. I’m so damn pissed my body is vibrating with the pent-up frustration. Luca has every reason to be tearing into Scar.

  If he wasn’t doing such a good job getting through to her, I would be ripping into her myself.

  Relief floods through my body as Luca coaxes that damn promise out of her. It’s been eating us both alive for months. It’s a huge part of the reason why I want this relationship to work so damn bad. Right now, it's revenge that drives her and I know she thinks when she gets it, she will feel better, but she won’t. She will fall apart because for the last eight years it’s the only real thing she’s allowed in her life. It’s only a matter of time before she gets her vengeance and has nothing left to fill the void that was created that night eight years ago. She will be left empty once again, with her demons still sweetly calling her name. Calling for more blood. Her blood.

  Unless I am able to fill her life with not only good things but substantial things. Light for her to hold onto when everything seems so dark around her. Good feelings and happy memories to bring her back from the brink of despair. A family she won’t want to give up, one worth fighting her demons for. I want to give her a life full of reasons to keep getting up every day, even when it hurts, even when it feels impossible. When it all feels pointless, I want her to have reminders that it’s not.

  The question is do I continue to push her after Luca did? Or do I play the role he has played for all these years, for just this moment. Support without judgement, without expectation, and without an opinion? Just being what she thinks she needs, being what she needs in this moment.

  I honestly don’t know. Everyone else has turned away from the pair of them. Giving them some semblance of privacy even though we all know everyone just heard that exchange. Even the new guy, he may have been the first to walk away but I haven’t missed the side glances he’s still throwing this way.

  I stayed here though. Without moving. I refuse to be pushed aside by either of them ever again. I let Luca take the lead because he needed to have his say, but I couldn’t walk away. Not when they are my family. Not when they were talking about something so pivotal to my life. Luca said it, but fuck if I don’t agree. If Scar dies at the end of this? I don’t think I could go on living. If Luca goes with her into that grave? Well, you might as well prepare my headstone now.

  All those years I lived without Scar? They felt like half a life. The only reason I did okay was because Luca had my back every step of the way. I don’t think anyone else could pull me back from the ledge I would find myself on if I lost both of them.

  In the months since we reconnected, life has gotten infinitely better, and not to be egotistical, but I say that for all three of us. Luca is less stressed now that he knows I have his and Scar’s backs. He’s been able to shed some of the burdens that lie on his shoulders onto mine. Scar is more than happy to have someone to be stupid with, the tattoos being only the first in a long line of the ridiculous adventures we’ve had.

  She didn’t realize how much better it would be to do those things with someone you care about, not that she will admit it. She’s not nearly as standoffish as she was when I first saw her again. Slowly, inch by inch, she’s opening up to me and others around her.

  Me? I’m just happy to be in her life again, see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her body move against mine, know that I’m going to be what she needs this time around, even if it kills me.

  I know she is still keeping large pieces of herself and her story to herself. The ugly parts, the ones that hurt to think about, that aren’t fun. She keeps those buried deep, refusing to show them to anyone or even acknowledge them to herself.

  All the ugly pieces of her soul and story? All those pieces she tries so desperately to hide and forget? They all made her who she is, they made her even more beautiful. Her heart, soul, mind and body may all be scarred but she took that pain and turned it into a fucking throne.

  Luca plays his part well and has definitely helped her, there is no doubt in my mind about that. He has supported Scar as much as she would allow, and I would never belittle that or their connection. It is vital to where Scar is right now, but the success of their operations? Both legitimate and criminal organizations? Largely due to Scar. She would have got here all on her own. Albeit slower, but she would have made it. I’m glad she had Luca and didn’t have to do it alone, but I don’t doubt her for even a second. This empire is hers.

  She is not sugar, spice, and everything nice. No, that girl is made of pain, snark, and everything dark. I’ve seen her little ass slit more throats than I can count, and the girl doesn’t bat an eyelash. She firmly believes these fucks deserve death and after her trauma, plus everything else we have seen, I’m not one to disagree with her. They’re the scum of this earth and I consider what we do pretty damn close to charity.

  She spent months in the hospital alone after the incident. I think that’s where she learned not to rely on anyone but herself, where the sweet young girl we met at the park started building her walls to protect herself.

  When she showed up at the group home, she was no longer the energetic, vibrant girl, Luca and I had watched from afar. Her cheerleading uniform was put to rest with her family, the prom queen crown burned to ashes with her family home, leaving only her genuine care for others and her sweet deposition. Something about that last attack took that and buried it deep down under layers of ice and attitude and black hair dye.

  I’ve only ever seen Scar cry once before and it was days before she disappeared on me. When I interrupted those guys from her school harassing her, she curled up against my chest and cried.

  So, I know this moment is huge, maybe even a turning point? For Scar, for Luca, maybe for all of us. I really want it to be for all of us. It’s about time Luca stepped up to her and confronted some of this bullshit. I can soften Scar up until I’m blue in the face, but he has to push her too. I can’t force the two of them together if neither of them is willing to fight for it.

  He is also the only one that she would listen to about this type of stuff. Anyone else would get shut down and he has spent years pandering to her every desire. What he has to realize is that she’s still running and hiding. She isn't confronting her trauma and dealing with it. She’s hidden it away and distracted herself with alcohol, sweaty bodies, pleasure, and blood. That won’t last forever.

  Luca walks away and moves towards the kitchen and I already know that he’s going to grab some whiskey to help him cope with the feelings left over from that conversation. It’s a good thing we have the fights tonight because I think both of us need it.

  I stand there leaning against the wall and wait for Scar’s gaze to swing my way. I don’t have to wait long. I think she always knew I was still here. She looks up at me, her makeup smeared, tears still running down her face and I don’t have it in me to rip into her any more than Luca already did.

  I know he said some hard truths to her. She needed to hear it and he needed to speak his fears, our fears, aloud, so I’m glad it happened but I also realize she doesn’t need me to pile it on. Maybe that’s the benefit of having both of us? Maybe even Noah, too.

  We can all do different things for her. When one of us pushes her, another one of us can be there to pick up the pieces and help comfort her. We can taunt, challenge, and soothe her chaos between the three of us. We can make sure our girl is always taken care of while also always drawing out the best in her.

  Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes we have to do the hard things to have a better life, but at least Scar will always have unconditional
support even when we are forcing her to confront shit she would rather not.

  I look at her and she looks like a fragile little girl right now. With my mind made up I stand up straight as I make eye contact with her and just open my arms for her. A weight is lifted off my chest when she sighs in relief and throws herself against me to burrow down in my arms. She’s no longer crying but she is soaking in every ounce of comfort I’m offering her.

  She rubs her face back and forth against my sweatshirt like she can get rid of the evidence of her breakdown that easily. It almost makes me smile. Almost. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryder openly staring at us now and the poor guy looks fucking baffled. The thought gets a small smile out of me as I lay my cheek against the top of her head.

  “You’re mad at me too, huh?” she whispers against my chest.

  I squeeze my arms tight around her, but I won’t lie to her, “Yeah, I am,” I sigh. “You really fucked up, Ladybug.”

  She nods against my chest and I know that she learned her lesson. More importantly than just in this instance though I think she finally realized she has reasons to live after her revenge, even if that's just for Luca’s sake.

  I’ll get her to want to live for herself. We just all need more time together. I wish I could tell her that I feel the same way as Luca. I wish I could express just how deep my emotions for her run. But I know my girl and I know she would freak. She would put me in the same category as Luca and while I love my brother, I would hate to be in his position.

  Scar may not be fully aware of the extent of my feelings for her but at least I get to spend time with her outside of work. I get to take her on dates, sleep in her bed, worship her body. She may not even realize it yet, but she opens up to me piece by piece. I’ve dug my way through her walls and while it may not be perfect yet, I love every moment I get to spend with her.

  So, I am okay with her not knowing that I love her. Yet. With not knowing that I would follow her and Luca into the ground if that is the way this plays out. She doesn't need to know for it to be any truer or any more real.

  I know that we will all get there. Eventually.

  For right now, I am just thankful to have her cuddled up in my arms, safe and mostly whole.

  She’s still a little tense in my arms like she is waiting for her tongue lashing from me now.

  “You can relax, I don’t feel the need to rip into you after Luca.”

  She sighs and I can feel the tension bleed out of her, “I didn't mean to freak everyone out,” she whispers against my chest.

  “I know, Ladybug. But even if you don't want us too, there are a lot of people who have your back. A lot of people who care about what happens to you.”

  She sighs, “I thought you weren’t going to rip into me too.”

  I can't help the chuckle that escapes from me. This girl. She always has the capacity to sass. Little shit. “I’m not tearing into you. Just making sure you know.”

  She nods and I smile so I know she can hear it in my voice when I tease, “You can fuck whoever you want, have as much fun as you want. I won’t expect shit, except for you to stay alive,” I pause and try not to laugh, “and send me some pictures, maybe videos of you and Britt, yeah?”

  She starts laughing in my arms and I fucking love that sound. Music to my ears. I can’t help but keep pushing, “I feel like it’s a fair request, you know? Fuck. Thinking about it has me hard.”

  She laughs and draws back looking up into my eyes like she’s checking to see if I’m being real. I make sure to plaster my big dopey ass grin across my face before leaning down to whisper in her ear, “Want to check how serious I’m being?”

  I lean back quickly enough to see the flash of heat in my girl’s eyes. She’s upset, worn down, and suffering from blood loss and an adrenaline crash. The absolute last thing she needs to be doing is jumping on my dick, but even so, I can tell she wants to. Let me tell you, that does something big for my ego. And also, something big a little more south if you catch my drift.

  I pull her back against me, laughing but you can be damn sure I make sure she can feel what she does to me. “Get some sleep, Ladybug. Get all rested up, so you’re strong enough that I can climb into your bed when I get back from the fights.”

  “You guys are fighting tonight?”

  “Business as usual. You got off only because you’re so pale you look like the undead,” I snicker, “Not a good rep for a night club.”

  “Fuck off,” she laughs, slapping my chest. I’m just relieved some of the darkness surrounding her has eased off. She heard what we needed her to hear and Luca got her promise, I don’t want it to continue to weigh her down.

  “Pretty sure you will have to perform tomorrow though,” I remind her.

  “Like fuck I would miss that,” she scoffs before wiggling her eyebrows at me, “I invited Britt.”

  “Fuck,” I moan and obviously rearrange myself, “Yeah, I need videos. Make it videos, Ladybug.” She laughs before kissing me on the cheek. It's such an affectionate gesture and not in a sexual nature that it takes me by surprise. So much so that I’m knocked straight into stupid as I stare after her as she walks back towards her room.

  Just before she opens her door, she turns back at me, “Don’t you dare climb into my bed tonight,” she warns and I groan. “There's a little girl in it with me,” she reminds me. Fuck I totally forgot the little girl was in her room. She didn't want to be separated from Scar.

  Not that I can blame her. I don’t either. If I thought crying and not speaking would get me that, I would totally do it. Maybe I should try it?

  “Come wake me up though, I’ll climb into your bed,” she finishes with a wink before opening her door and disappearing inside.

  Fuck. Nope, I’m fine with being me. I’ll continue with the jokes and subtle pushing to get under Scar’s skin. Seems to be working.

  “Y’all have a weird as fuck dynamic.” I look up to find the new guy staring at me. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking. He watched Scar and I kill people all while flirting and joking together. Saw the epic double breakdown of Scar and Luca where he confessed his undying love her, only to then witness Scar and I making plans to fuck later.

  Which just to be clear, was not a joke. This day does not end any other way but Scar riding my dick. I refuse to accept anything else.

  I laugh, “You have no idea.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Luca and I pull up to the old warehouse that houses the cage fights. The fights are the first place Luca started building his reputation and they have grown in massive proportions.

  The cage fights have been my saving grace for a long time. I was a killer long before I joined Scar's revenge mission. She craves the blood running through her fingers, but I have always craved the bones crunching under my fist. It’s why once upon a time I didn’t think I was good enough for her. I didn’t want to bring her light into all of this darkness, but she found her way here all on her own.

  The thrill of the fight calls to the anger in my soul. I can work out all of my shit on some poor unsuspecting fool who dares to come into my ring. These fights are my domain, the cages, the closest thing to a home that I’ve ever known. It probably goes back to my childhood when I was forced to fight in order to live. Somehow, I turned that trauma into what saved me.

  We walk into the old warehouse and I don’t care how many times I've been here, the sight will always call on my demons. Luca reconstructed the building after his fights started growing in popularity. The giant warehouse is now completely open with two stories. The second story goes only around the perimeter of the room, the middle remains open to allow for a good visual from all areas in the building.

  The bottom floor houses three different cages lined up diagonally through the room. The largest cage is in the center of the room and hosts the biggest name fights. As an underground fighter, the dream is to fight in Luca’s center ring. It’s an honor and all the big players want their underlings to make it. It makes Luca
even pickier about who he allows to fight in his center ring, just to be a dick.

  The upper level is where the important people like to have their tables while they drink, place their bets, and watch the fights. They move amongst themselves to make deals, gather intel or gain an audience with Luca. The fights are one of the only places someone can actually meet with him.

  As we walk through, I watch other fighters wrapping their knuckles and warming up. We usually don’t show up until the fights are already underway, but I think we both needed to get out of the house.

  After Scar went to her room, the rest of us weren't in the mood to watch camera footage anymore. Everyone was tense and quiet, feeling their own anger and fear for that girl. Joe thinks of her as a daughter, Mikey and Ronan both treat her like their kid sister, she threw her lack of regard for her own safety in all of our faces today.

  Luca and I make our way to our regular table and sit down. It has the best view of the center ring while still allowing us to keep an eye on the outer rings. It helps me track any new guys with potential while also monitoring the guys fighting under Luca’s name.

  A waitress immediately comes over and sets a bottle of whiskey down on the table with two glasses. She runs her eyes over Luca and as I study her, I realize I don’t recognize her. I’m at these fights just about every weekend and Luca is pretty stringent with who he has working them.

  I thought I knew everyone which clearly isn’t the case since I don’t recognize the blonde bombshell currently trying to shove her tits in Luca’s face as she pours his whiskey. She’s wearing super short cutoffs and a form fitting black tank top, but I can’t see the front since it’s currently pressed against Luca.