Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  All of a sudden, I know exactly what happened. I know why Ryder was there with the vigilante group. I know why for such a smart and capable guy, they were able to take him. My heart cracks just a little bit more for this stranger I just met but already feel like I know him to the depths of his soul.

  Trauma and grief can do that to a person. Tie you together in your shared despair. Jagged edges like jagged edges. Different but similar.

  I push the whiskey into his hand again, wanting him to say it out loud himself, knowing he probably hasn’t yet fully acknowledged what happened. I’m not really good at this whole comfort thing but I am good at being a drinking buddy. Surely the whiskey is helping, right?

  He takes a deep breath, “I tracked her down and when I heard there was a vigilante group going in to do a raid, I begged to join them. But they weren't like you guys,” he shakes his head. “They weren’t organized or prepared. I didn’t know.”

  I gesture to the whiskey still in his hand and he takes a few long swallows from the bottle as he shakes himself out. I stay quiet giving him the chance to collect his thoughts.

  “I put my trust in strangers, but they just made a mess of things. The raid was a fucking disaster. No clear plan, no communication, and not enough intel to be fully prepared. I should have realized that, but I was just so singularly focused on saving Jen. I didn’t even realize we were going in blind.”

  He pulls more whiskey as his eyes get a faraway look, like he’s seeing the disaster play out in front of him. “So many people died. I watched the life fade from Jen’s eyes and then I just didn’t care anymore.”

  The defeat in his tone and posture reminds me so much of my own. How many times had I wished that I’d died in that fire? How often had I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up before falling asleep in that hospital bed? How many times had I wanted to give up since then?

  How mad had I gotten every time someone told me the pain would get easier? That my scars would fade, my body heal, my heart would mend itself. No one understood that I didn’t want to fight anymore, I just wanted to give up, let go, fade into the storm. I won’t say any of that to Ryder. I’m not going to give him false platitudes because it’s all a load of bullshit. Scars on souls like ours won’t fade, you just learn to adapt.

  Revenge pulled me back. Killing the sick fucks who started the nightmare that took my sisters from me gave me purpose and the drive to live. I know Ryder’s pain. The guilt and devastation of not being able to save a sister. To be the one who lives but wish with every part of your being to trade places with them.

  “When they threw those cuffs on me,” he continues, “I couldn’t bring myself to fight back. I had hoped I would die but I was resigned to my fate as punishment for not saving Jen. I was ready to live in hell,” he pauses, looking up at me, “and then you guys came along.”

  “You saved us. You saved me and I’m not sure that I deserve it, but I know Jen would be happier with it this way. I don’t want to throw my life in her face. If she’s watching from somewhere beyond, I want her to see me living for her. I’m just not sure what to do or what to even feel now. I was so ready to just give up.”

  I pull the whiskey out of his hand and take more for myself before answering, “I’ll train you.”

  He looks up from his hands at me and raises his brows in confusion. I shrug, “You want to live your life for your sister? I’ll train you and you can be on my team. You couldn’t save her, but I’ll teach you how to save others.”

  “Does it really help?” he asks.

  I shrug because even after all these years I don’t really know, “It keeps me alive,” I answer honestly.

  “Luca was right about you wanting to die earlier?”

  I’ve been more honest with Ryder than I generally am with, well, anyone so I don’t feel bad about ignoring his question. “You’ll also get your chance at revenge with us. Because I promise you, we will be dismantling Romano’s entire operation and killing as many of his crew as we can.”

  He nods, accepting that I won’t answer his question, “I think that’s what I need.”

  “Whiskey and the blood of my enemies has kept my heart beating for all these years. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for you. We start training this week,” I tell him before changing the subject back to more lighthearted things.

  I can’t give him words of comfort or even a shoulder to cry on. It’s just not in me. I can give him distractions and revenge and hope that’s enough for both of us to keep breathing through the pain.

  I don’t even know how long we’ve been talking or how many shots we’ve taken since we finished the first bottle. It’s been a fair amount but between the water we’ve been chugging and the snacks we’ve been shoveling in our mouths, we’re both still pretty functional. If not a little more relaxed than earlier.

  Ryder’s despondency isn’t weighing on him quite as heavily anymore even though it’s still visible in his eyes. He seems just a bit lighter with a new determination on getting his own revenge.

  It’s around one in the morning when Kade and Luca walk into the kitchen. They both look back and forth between Ryder, the empty bottles of whiskey and all the snacks and they both chuckle. The deep throaty sounds satisfy something in me that I’m too drunk to analyze.

  I look over the both of them and realize Kade is only wearing his fighting shorts still and has blood still wet on his body. I lick my lips as I look him up and down, “You guys must have rushed home.”

  “We heard the real party was here,” Kade smirks before looking back to all our snacks. “What the fuck, Ladybug? You shared the Toffee Coffee with him?” he yells at me.

  I grimace and Luca cackles, but poor Ryder just looks so confused. Luca takes mercy on him and explains, “Scar’s been known to bite Kade when he’s tried to eat her ice cream.”

  Kade scowls, “You always bite me! Sometimes just for looking at it!”

  I chuckle, “You’re just so biteable,” I try to tease in order to distract him.

  He laughs before grabbing the carton and digging in. Prick. He knows I can’t say shit now. I doubt there’s much left anyways. We kept putting it away in the freezer only to take it back out to eat more.

  Luca gestures for me to walk over to him, where he has the first aid kit out, “You really shouldn’t have drank,” he scolds but I just shrug. I feel a lot better than I did earlier. The doctor that came out gave me a blood transfusion and the sleep helped a lot.

  He quickly looks at the stitches before rebandaging it, “You’re going to have to be careful tomorrow. No poles,” he chastises. I growl but don't argue. I feel better but my arm is still throbbing like a bitch, I don’t actually want to risk tearing the stitches.

  “Goodnight, Letty,” he smiles before kissing my head and walking out of the kitchen.

  “Goodnight, Bossman!” I call after him and he flips me off in response.

  I grin and look for Kade. They’re both in way better moods than when I saw them earlier. Kade’s reason is obvious, it left a shit ton of evidence behind all over his body.

  Luca’s reason is less obvious, but I know him. The only thing that could have changed his mood is he gotta play bossman and it actually came out with something we can use. I can’t wait to hear the details but that can wait until tomorrow.

  I look over Kade and I’m not sure what it is but seeing him covered in blood just really does something for me. I walk over to him and grab the ice cream out of his hands, “Come on, Stranger. I know something you can lick ice cream off of that’s much better than a spoon.”

  He chuckles but it’s a dark dirty sound that causes me to shiver in excitement as he follows me out of this kitchen. Just before I go to turn down the hallway, Ryder calls outs to me, “Scar,” I pause to turn back and see a hesitant smile on his face, “Thank you.”

  I shake my head at him, “I don’t do mushy bullshit, Ryder.”

  He laughs as I turn my back on him and head into Kade’s room, ready for my own distr
actions.

  “What was that about?” Kade asks me as soon as he shuts the door behind us.

  I wave my hand as if it's not important, “I agreed to train him to be on our team.”

  “Really?” he asks, clearly shocked.

  “He told me his story, he will be a good fit,” I wave off Kade’s surprise as I turn and put the ice cream down next to the bed.

  “What’s his story?”

  “Not mine to tell.” I would be pissed if someone shared my own story so I wouldn’t do that to anyone else. If Ryder wants the team to know about Jen, then he can tell them on his own time. Until then Kade and Luca will just have to trust my judgment.

  “Careful there, Ladybug,” Kade whispers as he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to him, “people might start thinking you have a heart buried underneath all that ice.”

  “Don’t get your hopes up, Stranger,” I say with a husky chuckle, as I bend down to slip out of my sleep shorts, making sure to press my ass into him.

  “Something is definitely up, but I don't think it’s my hopes,” he teases before throwing me onto the bed.

  I laugh and feel myself finally relax as Kade covers me with his massive body and I start to draw patterns on his skin with the blood splattered on him. I hum as he strips me of the rest of my clothes and nuzzles into my neck.

  Once he has me naked underneath him, he reaches over and grabs the ice cream from the side table. He takes a small scoop and drops it on the center of my chest. I flinch at the sudden coldness.

  He grins wickedly at me before pushing the melting scoop around one nipple, causing it to tighten, riding that fine line between pain and pleasure. I moan as he continues to move the ice cream across my chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps and melted ice cream.

  He leaves what’s left of the scoop on ice cream on my other nipple as he starts tracing the trail he left with his tongue. I can’t help the moan that escapes from the difference between the cool of the ice cream and the warmth from his tongue.

  He uses his tongue to clean up every drop of ice cream and by the time he’s done, I’m panting and begging him for more. I can feel how wet I am and want nothing more than for him to sink all the way into me, to feel myself clench around his full length.

  “You like that, Ladybug?” he teases as he drags his fingers slowly down my stomach, taunting me with his fingers as he bypasses my center to gently caress my inner thighs.

  “Kade,” I moan, needing more. Needing pressure at my center, needing to feel him.

  He hums as he glides his thumb through my folds, “Oh, you do like that. Your pretty pussy is begging to be licked. What do you think?”

  I buck my hips up towards him in a demand for more. Needing the teasing to stop.

  He chuckles as he scoops up more ice cream and drops it right on my clit. I shout at the unexpected shock of cold that somehow only makes my need burn hotter. Kade wastes no time cleaning it up again with his tongue.

  The dichotomy of hot and cold is messing with my senses and my ability to talk. Kade is no stranger to going down on me but while he normally ravishes my pussy like a starving man, he’s taking his time tonight. He teases my clit with gentle, precise touches of his tongue, circling around it before dropping down to lick and tease my opening.

  Every time I start to get close, he pulls back just a little bit as if he’s trying to memorize every detail of my cunt. I feel my entire body starting to tremble at being denied an orgasm after coming so close time and time again.

  My whole body feels as if it’s on fire as I beg him to stop his torture. He laughs as he nuzzles my pussy but puts his lips directly over my clit and sucks, hard. At the same time, he forcefully shoves two fingers into my heat and I immediately clamp down on them as wave after wave of bliss washes through my body. Leaving me a shaking writhing mess.

  He moves up to hover over my face with a feral fucking grin on his face, “I found my new favorite way to eat ice cream.”

  I laugh as I reach up to wipe some of the said ice cream off his chin with my thumb before sticking it in his mouth, “Yumm,” he hums, “Toffee Coffee mixed with your come. My new favorite taste.”

  “Come on, big guy,” I push on his chest, but I can’t help the smile that’s spread across my face, “I think we both need to shower after that.”

  “Okay,” he agrees, “but in no way am I done with you yet.”

  I grin as I wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me to the shower as I bury my face into his neck and pepper kisses along his jaw. Still too tired and shaky from my orgasm to walk on my own.

  “I love when you let me take care of you,” he growls in my ear as he turns on the water.

  I nip at his ear, “You can take care of me anytime, Stranger.” And I let him. We stand under the warm water and I let my eyes drift closed as he washes my hair and scrubs my body.

  I hum to myself feeling spoiled after such a long and exhausting day. I smile as Kade rinses us both off and gently dries me off with a towel before carrying me back to bed.

  He’s so careful as he lays me back down on the bed before laying soft kisses on all his favorite parts of me. Whispering to me how beautiful he thinks I am. He worships my body as I lay there, with my eyes closed, soaking him in.

  My eyes fly open to meet his gold flecked eyes as he slowly thrusts into me. His hand sneaks up into my hair as he gets a tight grip on it before bumping my nose with his. Every movement is slow and precise but hits me deep as his piercing hits that perfect spot inside of me.

  I come apart in his arms as I look into those warm green eyes and cry out his name. He smiles as he doesn’t change his pace but keeps the same slow, deep thrusts. Just as he brings me to the peak once again, he finally let’s go of his control as he speeds up and slams into me. His piercing drags along that sweet spot and I climax again, clenching tightly all around him as he continues to pick up speed. Finally coming with a growl as he captures my lips in an intoxicating kiss that robs me of all thought.

  I fall asleep still wrapped in his arms, feeling content, and blissed out.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I wake up immediately aware of Scar’s screams tearing through the house.

  Despite the whiskey we drank earlier, I’m quickly up on my feet and rushing towards the door she disappeared into with Kade earlier.

  I hesitate for a half a second outside of the door when I hear Kade trying to calm her down. I instantly recognize what’s happening. Mostly because I was in this exact same position only a few hours ago.

  When I heard the little girl screaming, I didn't know what to do. I couldn’t just barge into Scar’s room, but the little girl’s cries were pulling on everything in me, forcing me to that door.

  I stood there and listened as Scar tried to calm her nightmares. I leaned my head against the wall just outside the door as I listened to the song Scar sang on repeat. I had heard it before but now the haunting way Scar sang it will forever be stuck in my head.

  She sang it in a way that touched my soul and called out to something deep inside me, something that recognized the emotion in her voice as she sang. Maybe it was the pain of trauma and the ache of loneliness.

  I debate if I should knock and enter the room, but another scream rips out of Scar’s throat full of a degree of anguish I don’t think anyone could comprehend unless you’ve experienced tragic loss of the worst kind.

  I burst into the room unable to hold myself back from the devastation I hear in her every cry. The same way her song called to my soul and the little girl’s cries forced me to stand guard, something in Scar’s pain pulls me into her orbit. I couldn’t be anywhere else right now even if I wanted to be.

  Her limbs are fighting against Kade as he tries to restrain her and comfort her. Her body shakes with sobs and trembles with anxiety. This is more than just a nightmare. She’s lost to the fear.

  “Sing to her,” I tell him.

  “What?” he looks at me confused but clearly desperate for help.
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  “Sing,” I repeat. “It’s what she did for the little girl earlier,” I explain.

  “Umm, okay,” he hesitates, thinking, before starting to sing Freak by Tyga.

  I do a weird splutter, choking on the unexpected laughter, “What the fuck, dude?”

  “What?” he asks exasperated, “It's the first song that made me think of her.”

  “I don’t even want to know.”

  I move closer to the bed, he’s clearly panicking at witnessing her suffer. Another blood curdling scream has Luca joining the party just as I sit next to Kade and encourage him to hold her tighter as I start to sing the same song she sang earlier.

  The first few lines are awkward as I try to get the melody down the way she was singing it earlier. As soon as Kade and Luca see that it's slowly working to settle her thrashing movements, they both start humming the melody.

  Luca comes and sits on the other side, so she's surrounded by the sounds of our voices as we sing and hum her back to sleep. The tension slowly bleeds out of her as she curls into Kade’s lap, relaxing back into a peaceful sleep.

  As soon as she settles back into sleep, the three of us move into the hallway. “How did you know to use that song?” Luca asks.

  “The little girl had an eerily similar episode earlier, it's the song Scar sang to calm her,” I explain to them.

  “Good call, she hums that song to herself whenever she needs to ground herself,” he explains.

  “She’s done it for years, I don't think she even realizes that she always hums the same song when she feels panicked or overwhelmed,” Kade finishes for him.

  “Oh, so you do know that?” Luca taunts Kade, “Cause I could have sworn I heard you singing Freak to her.”

  We all chuckle, “I panicked, okay?” he admits, good naturedly. “I’ve never seen her have a night terror like that before.”