Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  Luca shakes his head, “It’s been a lot of years since she’s had one as far as I know,” he pauses, “I think it’s the little girl,” he explains.

  We all nod in agreement. I don't know Scar’s story, but I recognize the darkness that she lives in. I know from the solemn looks in both of the guys’ faces that it’s a brutal story. Maybe one day she will tell me herself.

  I don’t get much more sleep after I return to my room, haunted by the agony of each of Scar’s screams. I toss and turn for the rest of the night wondering what she could have gone through to have so much fear and pain follow her even into her dreams.

  I finally roll out of bed, giving up on the idea of sleep when I hear someone bustling around the kitchen. I quickly grab some plaid pajama pants from the clothes Luca supplied me with and throw them on before heading out to the kitchen in search of coffee.

  I walk in to find the little girl sitting at the island where Scar and I were drinking last night. She has papers and some colored pens in front of her and the tiniest little smile on her face as she draws and listens to Scar softly singing that same song from last night.

  Scar is moving around the kitchen as she sings, making a full breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, even some country potatoes. About every minute or so she looks over and throws a smile at the little girl. She’s absolutely loving the attention Scar is showering her with and almost resembles any other little girl, watching their mother cook.

  When Scar notices me she smiles and gestures to the coffee pot in the corner of the kitchen, without ever breaking her song. I’m still surprised by how soft and lovely her voice actually is. It’s not at all what I would expect from her.

  I grab a cup of coffee and slowly move towards the little girl, not wanting to freak her out. I make sure to stay in her view and not make any sudden movements as I approach her. When I get close, I relax against the counter and ask her, “Do you think it would be okay if I sat next to you?”

  Her little head tilts to one side as she studies me up and down before slowly nodding. I can’t help the smile that breaks out across my face as I look up seeking Scar’s reaction. I meet her eyes from across the kitchen and her smile is so wide, her eyes are shining with pride that the little girl is slowly opening up to others.

  It’s already such a huge difference from yesterday when she refused to even let go of Scar. Now she’s sitting on her own and even allowing me to sit next to her as she colors.

  Not wanting to put too much pressure on her, I focus on Scar, “Where is everyone else?”

  Just as the words leave my mouth, Kade walks into the kitchen and hands Scar an iced coffee. She smiles and kisses his cheeks before turning her back on him and focusing back on the food.

  Kade looks stunned at her gesture as he studies her as she starts singing again and places a plate full of food in front of the little girl. Her chocolate chip pancakes have a whipped cream smiley face and circled with cut up strawberries.

  The little girl gives Scar the biggest smile I’ve seen from her so far as Scar places a glass of milk in front of her before sitting next to her with her own plate.

  I would have never expected this woman to be so damn domestic. Based on Kade’s stupefied expression, I’m guessing he’s even more shocked than I am.

  “You guys are big boys,” she points to the two of us, “serve yourselves.”

  We both snap out of it and start piling food onto our plates while Scar talks and teases the little girl. When I sit back down, I realize Scar is trying to get some information out of her without pushing too far.

  Scar asks her if she can use her fingers to show us how old she is, the little girl nods eagerly and holds up four fingers. I tense and Kade curses behind me. The glare Scar throws our way has us both getting our emotions under control quickly.

  She tickles the little girl’s belly as she coos, “I knew you were a big girl!” The little girl gives her another small smile, basically ignoring Kade and I.

  “So smart,” Scar praises, “I bet you know how to write your name too.”

  She excitedly bobs her head up and down as she reaches for a pen and paper and carefully starts writing out her name with so much focus, her little tongue pokes out the side of her mouth. It’s probably the most adorable thing that I have ever seen.

  “Rowan,” Scar smiles, “that’s a beautiful name. Can we call you Roe?”

  Her little head bobs up and down and she beams at Scar.

  “Alright, Roe baby,” she continues, and I smile at the nickname, “we are going to have a couple friends come over today, okay?”

  Roe’s nod is a lot more hesitant this time as Scar continues to explain, “One of them is a really nice lady who is a doctor. She’s going to come make sure your owies get all better. Is that okay with you?” She nods but looks scared. I know Scar sees it when she promises, “I’ll be with you the whole time and I’ll sing if you get scared, deal?”

  I can see the relief that washes through Roe at her words and Scar goes back to explaining the rest of the day. “I have to go to work tonight,” she pauses at the desperate little cry coming out of Roe’s mouth.

  “I know, Roe baby,” she murmurs. “I don’t want to leave you either, but I promise I won’t leave until after I tuck you into bed and sing you a lullaby, okay?”

  Tears start running down her face and Scar quickly pulls her into her lap and snuggles her into her chest, just as Luca walks into the kitchen. He pauses as he takes in the scene. An intense frown takes over his face when he sees Rowan crying in Scar’s arms.

  “Hey, sweet girl,” Scar coos, “my best friend is going to come hang out with us today. Her name is Josie, and she makes the best chocolate chip cookies. How does that sound?”

  Roe slowly pulls back and studies Scar’s face. Scar smiles, “I still have to go to work,” out of the corner of my eye I see Luca flinch when he realizes why Roe was crying, “but we can hang out all day together before that. You can even help me get ready for work after we watch a movie and bake cookies.”

  Finally, Roe nods and gives a small smile before tucking back into her breakfast.

  Luca grabs himself a plate and sits on the other side of Scar as we all sit and eat breakfast together. I look around and I’m shocked by how comfortable I already feel with this group of people. I don’t know how they usually act but especially with Roe here, gifting Scar with small smiles and colorful doodles, this shit feels like a family.

  My own home growing up was so cold and lifeless. It’s why after losing Jen I am in no rush to go back to that. I don’t think I could face my old life knowing I don’t have Jen to support me anymore.

  My heart grows heavy thinking of my baby sister. She was always the light in my life. So beautiful and positive. She deserved a family like this, a home that was warm and full of laughter. She would have loved Scar and I bet she would have been able to get past those walls she has built up around her.

  Jen was just like that. She could befriend anyone. I feel a tear slip out of my eyes thinking about all the things she will never get to experience now that she’s gone. I quickly put my half-eaten plate in the sink before escaping back to my room before any of them can realize something is wrong.

  My grief is too raw to discuss with anyone right now. I think I’ll take a page out of Scar’s book and just focus on how I can avenge my sister, so I don’t have to think about everything I lost.

  I come out of my room a few hours later after having showered and taken a nap and feel a bit better. I really don’t think the guilt or pain of losing Jen will ever go away but sometimes it just feels so overwhelming. Like my grief overshadows everything else and I can barely see out of the cloud that surrounds me.

  As I leave the room, I hear noise in the kitchen. When I walk in, I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. Both Scar and Rowan have on similar aprons but as I get closer, I notice that while Scar’s is covered in ladybugs, Roe has butterflies on hers.

  “Cute aprons, ladi
es,” I say as I smile and walk closer to see what they’re making.

  Scar looks up to give the biggest smile I’ve seen from her yet. Not a crazy or sadistic smile, not one filled with sadness or pain. No, it’s a real genuine smile as she responds to me, “Roe decided she didn’t want to wait for Josie to get here to bake some cookies,” Roe blushes at her words but Scar ruffles her hair affectionately and has her smiling instantly.

  “Kade went out when we were watching Frozen and came back with these aprons,” Kade walks in just as Scar finishes explaining to me where the aprons came from.

  He chuckles as he slaps Scar’s ass, “Now I have my Ladybug,” he stands in front of Roe and opens his arms for her without moving closer. My mouth drops open when she jumps into his arms and allows him to swing her through the air as he continues, “and my butterfly.”

  As soon as he stops spinning, she smiles and reaches for Scar, who quickly grabs her and sets her back down on the counter in front of her, “That silly Kade, huh, Roe baby?”

  She smiles and nods before going back to mixing the dry ingredients for her. Scar sees my shock and explains, “She only lets him hold her long enough to throw and spin her in the air and then she wants down.”

  “That’s way better than I would have expected,” I say before asking what I’ve been wondering all day. “Has the doctor come back to check her out?”

  Scar stiffens but nods as she adds more ingredients into Roe’s bowl and helps her mix the dough. Kade catches my eye and gestures towards the living room before turning and walking out of the kitchen.

  When we get to the living room, Kade is shaking his head. “It’s about as bad as we thought.” My fists clench at my sides thinking about that poor little thing being abused. “A couple of the cigarette burns are showing early signs of infection, so she needs to be put on some antibiotics. Her back bears the brunt of the abuse, the doctor said it looks like someone used a knife to slice up her back. A few of them needed stitches but she used the ones that dissolve on their own.”

  He starts pacing back and forth and I just know he’s trying to gear up to tell me the worst of it. What we were all pretty sure had happened to her but too afraid to really voice it or hear it. Just the thought makes me want to vomit. I already know what’s going to come out of his mouth before he says it and I vow to commit my life to protecting that little girl and making sure she lives happy and safe.

  “There were definite signs of damage due to penetration. Her hymen was no longer intact but because she’s so young, they can’t exactly determine the level of abuse without asking her questions or doing a more intrusive exam.”

  “No,” I almost shout, the emotion in my voice surprises even myself. “There’s no need to put her through more. We both know whatever was used to cause the damage, anyone involved is going to die.”

  “Agreed,” he states, his own tone full of emotion. “Welcome to the team, Ryder. I wish it wasn’t like this, but we will make those sick fucks pay.”

  I feel my body starting to shake. I feel like I need to roar and punch something, but I am acutely aware of Rowan in the other room and the last thing I want to do is scare her.

  “Do you fight?” Kade asks me all of a sudden. I nod and the next thing I know I’m following him down into Luca’s home gym.

  He tosses me wraps and gloves, “We can spar. I need to burn off some of this energy too.” He smirks my way, “Plus, this way I can see what you're made of.”

  After hours of sparring, we both lay back on the mats, sweating and panting for breath. I’m going to regret this tomorrow. My bruises and ribs are already screaming at me for the extra abuse. “You’re better than I would have assumed,” Kade concedes. “You're smart, quick, know how to read a situation and strong. So, how’d you get yourself caught?”

  “It was a clusterfuck of a situation,” I tell him honestly. The loss of Jen is still eating away at me. Talking to Scar didn’t relieve the guilt or pain just like she said it wouldn’t, but she was also right with everything else she said.

  Knowing what I’m going to do next, planning my revenge and also my vow to that little girl, is giving me purpose, and it eases the weight weighing down on me. It still feels like my heart and soul are being shredded to pieces, but it also feels like I just might live through this.

  I look at Kade and I think about breakfast this morning, how much it felt like a family. How all of us have made Roe a new center of focus after only a day. I don't think I can be as open and as honest with him as I was with Scar. My wounds are still too fresh to pick at, but I think I can give him a little. The same way Scar did for me last night.

  “I was distracted,” I start to unwrap my hands, as if focusing on the task will make the words less painful. “My sister was one of the girls who died in that raid.”

  Kade nods and starts unwrapping his own hands without looking at me. For some reason that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. I don’t need to see the pity reflected in his eyes, it would only make this moment harder.

  “I’m not going to sit here and tell you sorry for your loss or some line about time healing even the worst of wounds,” he throws his wraps in a bucket before standing up and stretching out. “All of that is bullshit and doesn’t help you anyways. What I will tell you,” he continues, and I move up off the floor and follow his moves of tossing my wraps and starting to stretch. “You ended up in the right place. There isn’t a person on this team that hasn’t gone through some shit.”

  He turns to face me and makes sure to look me directly in the eyes, “You do right by us, and you’ll be a part of more than just a team. You’ll be a part of a family.”

  “Is that what you guys are? A family?” I ask, thinking about the affectionate relationships Scar has with both Luca and Kade. Their whole dynamic has confused me since I first saw Luca and Scar together.

  I had assumed Scar and Kade were a couple from the first moment I saw them during the rescue. Then I saw the love in Luca’s eyes as he studied her and don’t even get me started on the emotional fight I witnessed between those two. I barely even know them and that shit had me tearing up.

  Scar wouldn’t answer any of my questions regarding either one of them when we were drinking together. But I definitely heard the sex between Scar and Kade last night after Luca kissed her goodnight.

  Confused really doesn’t even begin to cover my feelings on the topic of the three of them.

  Kade gives a wry chuckle, “I’m working on it,” before walking out of the gym and leaving me to my thoughts on their strange dynamic.

  Chapter Seventeen

  After showering I go back to my room and decide to throw on sweats and a sweatshirt until it's time to leave tonight. I’m not exactly sure just how nice we are supposed to be getting dressed up, so I’ll wait and follow Kade or Luca’s lead.

  I find myself walking back into the kitchen to make myself a snack and wondering where everyone else is. It’s the quietest the house has been since I first got here. I’m surprised by how comfortable I already am here after only one night.

  I think it has to be the people. Kade may have said he was still working on them being a family, but they sure feel just like one to me.

  I make a sandwich and clean up after myself before heading out towards the living room to see where everyone is. I walk in to find all of the lights off and that kid movie, Frozen, playing on the giant tv screen. There’s a mostly empty bowl of popcorn sitting on the coffee table and a few cans of soda as well as chocolate milk and some candy wrappers.

  I start to laugh when I see Rowan completely passed out in between Scar and another woman I haven’t met before. I assume she must be the friend Scar kept referring too and I’m relieved to see that Rowan has taken to her. I was worried about leaving her after everything she’s been through.

  Both women look up and smile before gently trying to detangle themselves from all of Roe’s limbs without waking her. She had her head resting on Scar’s lap as well as both her
arms wrapped around Scar’s arm as if it were a teddy bear. I should buy her something like that to sleep with. I wonder if she has a favorite color.

  After Scar successfully gets up, the other woman, I can’t remember her name, slides Rowan’s feet off her lap and stands up as well. Scar gestures to the kitchen and all three of us walk back that way.

  “Just how much sugar as that child had today? She’s probably in a sugar coma.”

  They exchange looks but both women just shrug, “Chocolate cures all, she has a lot to cure,” the other woman says, and I instantly like her.

  I reach my hand out to her, “Ryder,” I introduce myself to her. She immediately grabs my hand in a firm grip and smiles, “Josie, Scar has told me a bit about you.”

  “Ah, yes, she was my knight in shining armor,” both of them crack up as Scar starts pulling out ingredients to make what looks like lasagna.

  “Are you making dinner?” I check the time and see it’s only about 2 o’clock. “Is it too late for her to be napping?”

  Josie and Scar trade looks but neither of them looks sure, “We should get her on a schedule, right?” Scar looks at Josie but she’s already shaking her head.

  “Don’t ask me, I’ve never been around kids.” Well shit, I think we are all clueless about what to do with the little girl. What even would be a normal bedtime, like eight? I mean if she only sleeps for a little bit, I’m sure it’ll work out.

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I nod my head like all of a sudden, I’m an expert on taking care of a kid. I mean anything we do is going to be an improvement from before so really, how bad could we mess up?

  I find myself uncomfortable and a little anxious at the thought of not doing right by Rowan. As if Scar is reading my mind, she shakes her head, “I’ll do some research on setting up a schedule for her.” Instantly it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I don’t know how she’s gotten us all wrapped so tightly around her little finger so quickly, but it seems like all of us are tripping over ourselves trying to figure shit out for her.