Single & Ready

by Lolah Lace

  “I’m starving. I want like four pancakes.”

  Tamika turned back from the stove and gave me an odd look.

  “Four, you know you can only eat one and maybe half of another.”

  “Right.” I agreed. She knew me well. Oh God, I could never eat four pancakes. I must be pregnant. No, I’m not. I didn’t want to think about this now. I couldn’t deal with this now.

  “So grouchy Smurf, what are your plans for today?”

  “Plan A, pray you never say the word grouchy again. Plan B, sleep, stay in the house, and sleep some more.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Deadly serious. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have a boyfriend to talk to. Or spend the night with. Or watch Chinese animated cartoons with like some people.”

  “No, no, it’s Anime, and it’s Japanese not Chinese.” She corrected me.

  “Yeah whatever.”

  “I’m telling you, don’t give up. One day soon, you can have a boyfriend to watch the Notebook with.”

  I rolled my eyes. She knew what movie I loved. "The Titanic.”

  “Yes, all the White people chick flick movies. You need to get your grouchy behind back on Snatch & Match.”

  That was a dumb idea. “No way. I’m so done with that hot mess, online dating crap.

  “ Girrrrrrlllll. You went on like two dates.”

  “No, it was three dates.”

  “Really? There was blonde and blue.”

  “Yes, Jason B.”

  “Yeah, Yeah Jason Bourne.”

  “He was far from that, but yes, him.”

  “And there was the guy with the kids.”

  “Gregg with three G’s.”

  “Who else?”

  “William Shakespeare and company.” He was the literal starving artist.

  “Oh yeah, him. Well, that’s not even one full hand worth of dates. You got to at least do two hands and two feet before you give up.”

  “Girl bye. Do you mean twenty dates?”

  “Yeah, two hands and two feet.”

  I was exasperated with her and this entire dating bullshit. “Who says that? Just say twenty. You make everything so extra.”

  “Latanya Lockheart, everyone on planet earth isn’t like you. Some of us even talk different.”

  “Differently,” I revised.

  “Some of us are happy to be unique.”

  “I am unique.”

  “Ah, you think so?”

  Tamika turned her back on me to tend to her skillet.

  “You don’t.”

  “Unique, no. Where?”

  I wasn’t stupid. She’s calling me a basic bitch. Was I a basic bitch?

  “I think you want everything to line up perfectly. Life isn’t like that.”

  “Okay, fine. Since you got me all figured out. You need to pick the next guy I date. I'm obviously clueless.”

  “Fo’ real? Fo’ real?” Her face appeared too happy for my tastes.

  “On God.”

  “Oh, baby, it’s not a problem.” Tamika waved the spatula at me. “I will find a tasty, sexy, well- endowed and a very suitable man just for you, girl. Go get your laptop thingy.”

  “It’s a MacBook.”

  “Go get it. But you have to go out with the guy I pick.”

  “No, I do not.”

  “See, that’s what I’m talking about. Jump out of your comfort zone. Let me pick this dude. It’s one date. You said on God.”

  I sure did say that. “We don’t have the same taste in men.

  “I’m not picking for me. I’m picking for your uptight behind.”

  “I’m not uptight.”

  “Yeah, you are. You got a whole stick up your ass. You just scared I can pick a better man than you.”

  “No, I’m not scared.”

  “Well, go get your thingy then.” She snarled.

  I did what she asked and by the time I returned to the kitchen the food was ready. I sat at our small kitchen table. Tamika placed the breakfast plates out on the table. The food smelled great, and I felt terrible for being so aggravated with her earlier. We ate quietly, and I was the first to finish. I ate every single morsel off of my plate.

  My MacBook is sitting on the table between us. I hoped that she would forget her quest to find my soulmate. But there was no such luck. Tami couldn’t remember her key to get into our apartment, but she could remember to pry into my nonexistent love life.

  Tamika took my MacBook and tapped at the keys. She turned the screen so I could see it too.

  “That’s my guy.” She boasted.

  “Where?” I smacked my lips. “I will not. I cannot.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “Tami, no way.”

  “Don’t discriminate. You know he is fine. So what’s the problem? Don’t go bat-shit-crazy.”

  “Girl, I’m going bat-shit, cat-shit, or dog-shit.”

  “Girl, it’s one freakin’ date.”

  I looked down at the screen again. “Really, him?” I couldn’t believe this guy was the one she picked.

  “Yes ma’am. It’s time to electric slide into his DM’s.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know that song is about a vibrator.”

  “What?”

  I started singing. “You can’t see it. It’s electric! You gotta feel it. It’s electric! Ooh, it’s shakin’. It’s electric! Boogie, Woogie, Woogie!"

  “Ooookay, that’s nasty. You learn something new every single day. When she said electric, she meant that in the literal sense.

  “Seriously, I don’t think I can go out with the guy you picked.”

  “You said you would. You told me to pick, and this is my number one draft pick. I can see it now. He will play for team Lockheart.

  “Fine. Fine. But—”

  “But what?”

  “I don’t want to hear your mouth.”

  “Oh shit, so you got to tell me now.”

  “I’ve been thinking about Nick a lot lately.”

  Tamika pushed back from the table and left me sitting there. She walked over and stood by the sink. I waited for her to say something. She always had something to say.

  “So you are thinking about this text message bum again?”

  “Why do you have to call him names?”

  “Cause he ain’t shit.”

  “Judgmental much? You’re supposed to be my friend.”

  “I am.”

  “So act like it.”

  “Okay fine. What were you thinking about — Nick?” She spit his name out like it was poison.

  “I think I should call him and demand an explanation.”

  “I think you shouldn’t do a damn thing.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because some things are better left unsaid.”

  “Okay, and what does that mean?”

  “You know what it means.”

  “No, I don’t. What things?”

  “I know people that know Nick.”

  “Okay. Tell me.”

  “I don’t want to tell you.”

  “Why not? If you know something you re supposed to tell me.”

  “Why does it even matter?”

  “Because I’m walking around confused and trying to figure out what happened. He ripped my heart out. If you know something you should tell me. I don’t know your definition of friendship.”

  “I’m your friend but I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. He dumped you. You guys are over.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Seriously Latanya, it’s been months.”

  “I don’t care. Tell me now.”

  “You really want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  I could see Tamika inhale. I knew that meant it couldn’t be anything good.

  “I’m sorry to tell you this but Nick is seeing someone.”

  My face fell flat. Already? That fucking fast? “Okay, you know this for sure?”

  “Yes, I know.”

  I slowly got up from the t
able and just stood there. I watched as Tamika removed our empty plates from the table. She placed the dishes in the sink. I walked out of the kitchen with a numb feeling over my entire body.

  He was already seeing some new chick. Damn, that was fast.

  Back To Black

  LATANYA

  Only a few days later I was back at it. I was out here in the world being single and ready to mingle. I was back at my hangout spot waiting for my match. I should call him Tami's match. She picked this guy, and I had to act like I wasn’t dragged here kicking and screaming.

  I realized I was sitting at the same table I had on two of my other dates. I wasn’t going to act rude. I would act inviting, engaging, and all those marvelous things. I waved my hand in the air when I spotted Charleston, my date.

  Charleston was an attractive African American man in his thirties. He had one of those gym bodies, chiseled muscles, lean with dark brown poured all over his skin. He was fine, but he was a brother and men like him had twenty or thirty women hanging all over him waiting for him to choose them. He was dressed to impress, and it impressed me. He was in a crisp pale blue, button down, long sleeve, t-shirt and tailored black slacks.

  He approached me with confidence and loads of swag. He opened his arms as he bent to give me a hug I returned. We exchanged a few compliments before he left me to order our coffee. He looked good from all angles and he had the whitish brightest teeth behind a perfect smile. Guys like this were not my cup of tea. I could look at him and tell he was popular.

  I sat patiently while I waited for him to return. Charleston walked to the table with two cups of coffee in hand. He placed the coffee cups on the table and pulled back the vacant chair and sat across from me.

  “Thanks for the coffee, Charleston.”

  He grinned. “No problem, you can call me Charles. Charleston’s a mouthful.”

  “Okay, Charles.”

  “I’m glad you hit me up on the site. A lot of the women you send messages to never respond.”

  He didn’t even have a clue it was my friend that facilitated this meeting. “Sometimes you got to just take a chance on people.”

  “Right, I feel the same way. You shoot your shot and see what happens.”

  “Yeah.”

  Charleston’s eyes scanned the quaint restaurant. “So this place let’s Black people sit at a table without ordering.”

  “Yes, and they let us use the bathroom too without making a purchase.”

  Charleston chuckled. “I need to come here more often. How progressive of them just letting Black folks chill in peace and treating us like human beings.” I giggled. “It’s nice to chill in peace.”

  “Hey, what made you respond to my message?” He asked.

  “You seemed like a nice guy. Or I should say you look like a nice guy.”

  “I am a nice guy, a very nice guy. You know what they say about us though?”

  “That you finish last.”

  “We finish last and we run out of gas.” He joked. I couldn’t help but giggle. Charles was silly. “That was corny, I know. Did you work today?”

  “Yes, I went home and changed.”

  “Me too, I worked today. I didn’t have many offices to visit.”

  I remembered his occupation him his profile. “How’s the life of a pharmaceutical sales rep?”

  “It’s great if you like traveling from place-to-place. I enjoy my job. I told you exactly what I do for a living, but normally I just say I’m a sales rep. People love to joke that I’m a drug dealer.”

  “I can see that.”

  “I had to hear that joke a hundred times. My cousin has been calling me James St. Patrick since Power came on cable.”

  “Ghost.”

  “Right, I’m definitely not Ghost when it’s obviously cooler to be Kanan.”

  I raised one eyebrow. “I think it’s cooler to be Tasha.”

  “I can picture you as Tasha, a ride or die, female boss.”

  “That's me in a nutshell.” I kidded. I was clearly no Tasha. She was strong. I was not as tough as she was. Even though she was a fictional character, she was a pretty decent role model if you were looking for a ride or die type of chick.

  “You know there are so many people on Snatch and Match. It’s hard to find anybody you have anything in common with.”

  “That’s true. When we started messaging, I was like this guy is normal.”

  “Damn, that’s what I said about you. Everybody is out here trying so hard to be different. You never know who’s real, and who’s fake.”

  He was spitting facts. “Yeah, this world is full of fakeness.”

  “I knew out the gate you were on the same thing I was on. I was like no way. Latanya is too good to be true. Brains and beauty, you’re the full package.”

  I gushed as I listened to Charleston continue to talk. He was so nice to look at. He had friendly conversation and a pleasant voice. His dark chocolate skin was clear and hydrated. He had a proper job, but he could easily be a fitness model. I got mesmerized looking at his lips. What happened was what always happened. I drifted off into a daydream.

  I was right here in Tasty Dog. I was in the middle of the restaurant. That old Dixie Cups wedding song “Chapel Of Love” played in the background. I was ambling slowly and carefully down the center aisle of the quiet, vacant restaurant. I looked down at my attire. I was wearing a beautiful bright white wedding dress with a long mesh veil. I had a bouquet of white roses in my hand as I marched toward a waiting Charleston. He donned a dapper black tuxedo. He was wearing an enormous smile on his face.

  My bestie Tamika stood near Charleston, smiling and wearing a gaudy and excessively frilly bridesmaid's dress. I handed my flower bouquet over to Tamika. Then the music stopped. I turned from Charleston to my friend.

  “Y’all ready to get hitched, tie the knot, jump the broom, put paperwork on each other, get married, say I do and legally wed?” She asked.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “It’s a yes for me.” Charleston grinned.

  “Charlie put a ring on it then.” Tamika directed.

  Charleston removed a candy ring-pop from his pocket and placed it on my ring finger. I examined the candy ring by holding my hand far away, bringing it close to my face and pulling it far from my face.

  “It sucks. I love it.” I put the ring-pop in my mouth and sucked it once. “Strawberry, my favorite flavor.”

  Tamika raised the bouquet of roses in the air. “By the power of Grayskull. You are now pronounced hus-bae and wife- bae.”

  Tamika threw the bouquet behind her. There was the sound of a window breaking. “You may now kiss the—” She couldn’t get the word out before tragedy struck.

  All of our eyes grew wide when we heard the crashing sound of water hit the floor. I lifted my wedding dress, and I was standing in a puddle of amniotic fluid. It grossed me out but my face was beat to the gods so I still looked fierce.

  “My water just broke.” I cried out as if I was pregnant. Was I pregnant?

  Tamika’s mouth hung open. “W.T.F., you don’t even look pregnant.”

  “I’m carrying low.” I quickly came up with an excuse for my lack of a baby bump.

  Tamika and Charleston looked shocked and confused.

  “I’m having contractions,” I yelled out toward the Tasty Dog counter. “The baby is coming.”

  “I’m going to be a father.” Charleston happily shouted to the tables and chairs of the restaurant.

  Contractions were hitting me hard. I didn’t have a choice but to crawl on top of a table with the help of Tamika and Charleston. I laid flat on my back with her feet flat on the tabletop.

  Tamika stood in between my spread legs. She lifted my long wedding gown and placed her entire face under the heavy garment.

  “Oh my God.” Tami’s voice came from under my gown in a muffled tone. “It’s coming. It’s coming. I can see the head. Just push. Push! Push!”

  She peeked out from under my dress. I looked to my si
de to see Charleston dutifully standing beside me and holding my sweaty hand.

  He was smiling widely. “Oh, you can do it. Push wife-bae. Push.”

  I screamed in pure agony as I perspired, panted, grunted, and pushed.

  “One more push.” My friend cheered. “Girl you got this. It’s halfway out.”

  “Is it a boy or a girl?” I inquired.

  Tamika ducked back under my wedding dress and pulled out a baby doll. She puzzlingly looked down at the doll.

  “Tell me is it a boy or a girl?” My new hubby asked.

  “Here.” Tamika tossed the baby doll to Charleston. He caught it like a football and looked down at the toy baby.

  “It’s White. This is a damn White baby!”

  My eyes went to the doll. And he was right. “Nooooooooooo!” I yelled out in anguish. Why was this happening to me? It seemed so real, but it wasn’t real at all. Sometimes my daydreams seemed so vivid and real. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy.

  I snapped out of my marital nightmare fantasy. I was back in the real world, in my real life, in the real Tasty Dog.

  “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.” I should have been paying attention.

  “Have you ever been to the opera?” Charles asked.

  “No, I’ve been to the ballet but I have never been to the opera.”

  “I thought I would hate it, but it was pretty cool. You have to go. You would love it. My mother took me. Maybe I could take you someday.”

  “I would love that.” Here’s a guy that loves his mother. That’s a fantastic sign.

  This guy was funny, sexy, and had a wonderful career. He’s not just a snack. He’s the whole damn meal. I can’t mess this up. Finding a Black man like this, one that dates Black women, is rare.

  I smiled across the table while dreaming of the possibilities I could have with this handsome man.

  “I’m having a good time here with you. I know it’s not over yet, but I want another date with you.”

  I was Black girl blushing. “I do too.”

  This date was going great. For once I was on a date with a Black man and we had more in common than just being Black. I took a sip from my coffee cup. I laughed at his jokes because he was funny. We watched some of the same TV shows. We liked a lot of the same music. We spent the next thirty minutes talking and making goo-goo eyes at each other. Maybe the fourth time was really the charm.