Single & Ready

by Lolah Lace

  “Turn around.” I told her.

  Tamika rolled her eyes and turned her back on me. She crossed her arms over her chest while reading the box to herself.

  I pulled my pants past my knees and down to the bathroom floor tiles. I squatted over the toilet seat.

  “Have you done this before?” I asked. This was my first time.

  “Yes. It’s not hard. Pee on the damn stick, then we wait.”

  “I’m so nervous. My stomach is in knots.”

  “Mine too. Just do it.”

  We both heard the trickle of my pee as it hit the toilet bowl water. Then I felt the warm wetness on my skin.

  “I’m peeing on my hand.”

  The sound of a faint splash accosted the quiet of the bathroom. Tami whipped around and glared at me.

  “Did you drop the test in the motherfuckin’ toilet?”

  I shook my head, “yes.”

  Tami’s eyes grow gigantic with disbelief.

  “Oh. My. God.” She scolded.

  Park And Ride

  LATANYA

  I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t normally a clumsy person but low and behold I dropped this stupid pregnancy test rest in the toilet filled with my pee.

  “That’s bad, right?” I wasn’t trying to be funny, but I didn’t know what else to say.

  “Well, it ain’t good.” Tami pursed her lips.

  “I know that much.” I quickly pulled my panties and sleep shorts up my legs.

  “So you’re not going to even wipe your butt? You nasty.”

  “I already peed on my hand. Does it really matter? I need a whole bath.”

  “True” She agreed.

  I was dumbfounded. “What do I do now?”

  “Get the test out the toilet and throw it away. The results will be messed up now.”

  I looked down into the toilet bowl. “Get it out?”

  “Yeah, it’s your pee. I’m not fishing it out. Use the hand you peed on. Get it out. Then throw your whole damn arm away.”

  “Haha.” I smarted.

  I made a face and leaned over the toilet. My eyes leered down into the discolored water. Tamika also took a glance inside the bowl.

  “Girl, your pee is damn near clear.”

  “I drink a lot of water.”

  “Get the damn test out the toilet.” I looked over at Tami then back down into the toilet bowl. “This is gross.” I squealed.

  “Girl, you’re really stressing me all the way out.”

  “Don’t freak out. I’m going to get it out.”

  “We still don’t know if you get a croissant in the oven.”

  “I have another pregnancy test.”

  “Where?”

  “In my bedroom, in the top dresser.”

  Tami’s face changed for the better. “Okay. Wait right here. Don’t move. Be the whole mannequin challenge. Redo. We doing a redo. Get that messed up test out of the toilet already.”

  She raced out of the bathroom, leaving me standing alone. I listened as her flip-flops slapped the laminate flooring. I held my breath when I reached my hand into the toilet to retrieve the soaked test. I wrapped it in toilet paper and tossed it in the wastebasket. I went over to the sink to wash my arms and hands. I turned off the faucet, closed the lid on the toilet, and sat down. Tami rushed back into the bathroom with the other unopened pregnancy test box.

  “Let’s do this.” She chanted.

  “I don’t have to pee anymore.”

  “Ah no. You better get it right this time. I ain’t got time to wait on the results any longer than necessary. We ‘bout to get this over with. You not about to get my blood pressure up.”

  “I don’t have to go.”

  “Go where?”

  “I don’t have to pee anymore.”

  “Ah nope. Bay-bay, you better make it rain with clear pee up in here.”

  “I need to drink something. Or we can just do this tomorrow?”

  “Ah hell naw. We getting this over with to-damn-day. What do you need to drink? Juice? Pop? Water?”

  “Coffee. I think coffee will work.” We didn’t have any pop in the house.

  “Keurig coffee or coffee maker coffee?”

  “Keurig is quicker.”

  “I will make your coffee. Did you get that old test out the toilet?”

  “Yes, I wrapped it up. It’s in the garbage.”

  Tamika left me alone in the bathroom. I hated being alone in my present situation. What the hell was I going to do if I was pregnant? And to be pregnant by a man that didn’t even want to be with me. How was I ever going to make good decisions with all the bullshit I had going on in my head? I could barely keep my thoughts in one place. I was daydreaming and spacing out every day for no reason at all. I was really losing it.

  In a few minutes she was back in the bathroom with my coffee.

  “Hey, hey, drink up buttercup.”

  Tamika handed the coffee over to me, and I took it. I looked inside the mug. She added cream and sugar. I was grateful. There was no way I could drink it black.

  “Thanks.”

  “Take it to the head.”

  I slowly brought the mug to my lips, hoping it wasn’t too hot. It wasn’t. I gulped down the entire contents of the mug.

  “Now we wait,” I said.

  Everything was a blur after that.

  I drank the coffee.

  I peed on another stupid stick.

  I gave the test to Tami.

  I wiped and flushed. I closed the lid and sat down on it. I placed my elbows on my knees. I looked around the messy bathroom.

  After sitting quietly for a few seconds, I stood and started pacing back and forth in the tiny bathroom. Tamika stood in the doorway texting on her phone. I hoped she wasn’t texting someone how stupid I was. I’m sure she wasn’t. I was just being paranoid. I flopped back down on the closed toilet seat. I closed my eyes and leaned forward. Waiting for the results would take me to the upper room.

  With my eyes closed, I drifted off into one of my infamous daydreams. I was no longer in the bathroom. I was alone in a deserted park. I was outfitted in a long bright red dress and a long red cap like Offred from The Handmaid’s Tale. I calmly walked the trail with my head bowed.

  Tamika approached me. She was dressed in an identical Handmaid’s garb. We were both without makeup or anything that showed individuality. I had a feeling Tami didn’t even have weave under that stark white bonnet.

  We both recognized each other and stopped when we were close enough to talk.

  “Blessed be the fruit.” She chanted in a cultish fashion.

  “May the Lord open,” I responded with a dry monotone voice.

  “We’ve been sent glorious weather.”

  “Praised be.”

  “And the glorious fruit you bare in your belly.”

  Fear hit me, and my eyes darted around the park only to land back on Tamika who was now Offtam.

  “I don’t want this baby,” I whispered.

  “You cannot say such things in Siliead. The penalty is death. We were created for one purpose and one purpose alone, to bear children. Never speak of this again.” She warned in a hushed tone.

  “You’re right. Offtam, I repent.”

  Offtam or Tami gave me a crazy lopsided smile. “Praised be. My mistress waits for me.”

  “Under his eye.”

  “God’s light be with you, Offlatan.”

  Tamika scurried away, leaving me standing alone on the trail. I looked around at the guards patrolling the area.

  My daydream was over. I probably shouldn’t watch so much Hulu. I opened my eyes and was back in the bathroom. Tami was still standing in the doorway. She started humming the Jeopardy game show theme song.

  Her cell phone was on the edge of the sink with the timer counting down from two minutes.

  Tamika started dancing around while we waited. When the time ran out the buzzer went off. Tamika hit the STOP button on her cell phone. My heart stopped and started.
/>   “You ready?” She asked.

  Hell naw! I wasn’t ready. “You look at it. I don’t want to.”

  Tamika removed the test stick from the ledge of the sink. She looked down at it.

  “Huh, the test is negative.”

  “What? I’m not?”

  “The test results are in and you are not the father.” Tami mimicked talk show host Maury Povich.

  Tamika handed the pregnancy test over to me. I glared at the test stick.

  I was in slight disbelief. “Okay.”

  “It’s negative but I would still go to the OB/GYN.”

  “You think the test is wrong?” Panic slapped me because it loved to stir up trouble.

  “No, those things are like ninety-nine point nine percent accurate. Just make an appointment anyway. You should probably get birth control. You should get checked for STD’s too.”

  “I hate paying that stupid copay for no reason.”

  “Stop being cheap. Some people don’t even have health insurance.”

  “I will nurse Tami.” I rolled my eyes to hide my sense of relief.

  “You cool with the results?”

  “Yes.” Of course, I was cool. I wasn’t ready to be a mother.

  “Good ‘cause I wasn’t trying to change no saggy ass smelly ass pampers.”

  “I didn’t want a baby. I’m old school. I want to be married first. Don’t you?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure I believe in marriage but to each its own.”

  “What?” I couldn’t believe she truly felt this way.

  “It’s just not that serious to me.” She shrugged.

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “I’m not you. Everything doesn’t have to line up in a perfect row. All I see are miserable married people cheating all the time, wishing they were single. I’m going to do me.”

  “Whatever, if that’s how you feel.”

  “I said what I said. You’re not pregnant, so that’s what’s up.”

  “I dodged a bullet.”

  “Shit! Girl, you dodged an explosion.” What did she mean? “Let’s drink. Let’s do shots.”

  “ Yes, please. I stopped drinking because I thought—”

  “And you’re not. So, Miley, what’s good?” Tami said doing her Nicki Minaj impersonation.

  I’d gotten a clean bill of health from my gynecologist. She also confirmed that I wasn’t pregnant. I was stressed. And that’s why my period stopped. She gave me a prescription for birth control pills and another for anti-anxiety meds.

  After a few days I was feeling pretty good. I hadn’t even thought about my ex regularly liked I used to. I was even brave enough to make another date.

  I was sitting on the edge of her bed putting my cute tan sandals on my feet. Tamika was lying on my bed scrolling through her cell phone.

  “I shouldn’t make these Snatch and Match dates when I’m drinking.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably not the best way to pick a dude, but it’s too late now. You look cute though.”

  “I do. Don’t I?”

  “I really love that dress on you.” She looked up from her phone. “It’s the perfect color.”

  “Thank you.” I had a lot of yellow in my closet. It always looked good on my brown skin.

  “Is this dude White too?”

  “Girl, don’t start with me.”

  “I’m not. It’s just a question, swirl queen.”

  “Yes, he’s White.”

  “Well Missy Thang, I hope this one is a winner.”

  He probably was a chicken dinner, but I could honestly say I didn’t have any hope or expectations. At this point I was just going on this date to past the time. It was better than staying home and having nothing to do. All my friends were in relationships and I wasn’t. It felt strange, so I wanted to get out of the house and have something to talk about other than my boring ass job. Being a claims adjustment supervisor wasn’t glamorous at all. Being one of the few women in the office without a wedding or engagement ring made me feel like the odd woman out.

  I took my time leaving the house. What was the rush? I arrived at Tasty Dog a few minutes before Brandon Whitlock. He was bald, clean shaved, tanned, and over six feet. He was thirty-six with a muscular frame. He had icy blue eyes and a cute smile. He arrived a few minutes after me and went right over to the cashier to order our coffee.

  I felt comfortable sitting across from Brandon with two cups of frozen coffee drinks on the table in front of us.

  I took a sip from my straw and watched Brandon. He was quite handsome and not at all like any guy I’d ever dated.

  “Do you date guys with bald heads?”

  “I have before, yes.”

  “I actually have hair. Well, I had hair. Let me show you.” Brandon reached into his pocket for his cell phone. He scrolled through his photos. “This is me with hair.” He turned the cell screen so I could see the photo.

  His hair was blonde. He appeared softer with hair, but he looked like a total bad-ass without it.

  “I like it bald. You look good either way.”

  “This picture was just last year. Everyone thinks I’m going bald. I may have ten years before that happens. I just cut it off to do, I don’t know, something different.”

  “You look like a different person.”

  “Do I look like a tough guy?”

  I giggled. “Well, yeah.”

  There was silence while we stared at each other for a few seconds.

  “What are you looking for in a man?”

  I literally loved this man's voice. I played with my straw, trying to come up with an appropriate answer.

  “That’s a hard question. But I guess I’m looking for a genuine guy.”

  “Look no further, that’s me.” He smiled.

  “I’ve had a few terrible experiences with this online dating stuff, like seriously not good at all.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  “Have you?”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, have you had any bad experiences dating, online?”

  His forehead wrinkled. “No, I can’t say that I have. I haven’t been on the app for long. I just signed up. You’re my first date.”

  “No way. Am I really your first date?”

  “Yeah, I’ve only sent messages to three women. The prettiest one messaged me back and I’m here.”

  Is he lying or is he telling the truth? “What made you message me?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Please, be honest.”

  He chuckled. “Your face, your eyes, your lips, your entire body in the yellow bikini.” He licked his lips.

  “Okay well, that’s some reasons.” I was caught off guard by his candor.

  “Did you think I messaged you because you used periods and commas in your profile?”

  “Well, yes. I thought you had a thing for punctuation marks.”

  “I have a thing for you. You’re cool.”

  “I think I am.” I blushed.

  Mr. Brandon was coming on so strong. Was this normal guy behavior? I didn’t know. I thought maybe I had a thing for him. His cool, confident demeanor was attractive. Please don’t be a jerk. Please don’t be a weirdo. Please don’t be a pervert.

  My eyes glided from his face to his bulging biceps. “I didn’t know you had a tattoo.”

  “I have a lot of them. I like tattoo art. I got my first one when I went into the army. Now I have too many to count. Tats are addictive.”

  “And expensive.”

  “That’s true but you have to invest in yourself.”

  “What do you do for a living? I can’t remember what your profile said.” I lied. I just wanted to make sure he was telling the truth.

  “I work construction.”

  “How long have you been doing that?”

  “Ever since I left the military. Right now I’m with the company building that parking garage for that new Premium Outlet mall in Rosemont.”

  “I know where that is.�
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  “The company I work for is adding three floors to the structure.”

  “It needs more parking spacing especially during Christmas time.”

  We both became quiet as they gazed at each other. The feeling was strange, but in a wonderful way.

  “Tanya, I like you.”

  “Oh you do. You don’t even know me.

  “I have a good feeling about you. I think we will get to know each other very well.”

  “Really?” I was trying so hard to stop smiling so widely, but his smile was infectious.

  “Yes, really. I think your bad experiences are all over.”

  “You think so?”

  “Hell yeah. You don’t have any kids, right?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “So you can hang out all night?”

  “Well, I have to go to work Monday through Friday.”

  “After work, you’re free.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Good.”

  “I’m your first date. So how many dates you got lined up?” I was curious. I wanted to know how much competition I had.

  “Dates with you?”

  “No. With other women on Snatch & Match.”

  “None. I’m into dating one person at a time. I want to get to know you fully and completely. Dating multiple people just means you never get to know any of them intimately.”

  “Intimately?”

  “That’s the best way to get to know someone.”

  “Conversation is a great way too.”

  “You’re right. I think you should go on a second date so we can talk more.”

  “We can do that.” I was so relieved he wanted a second date. I was really feeling Mr. Brandon.

  “Great. Let’s have a second date right now.”

  “Right now?” What did he mean?

  “Yes, I don’t want this to be over. I need more time with you. I won’t take no for an answer.”

  “You won’t?”

  “No, let’s go to the park.”

  “The park. What park?”

  “I drove by a park on the way here. I think it was on Lake Street. We can play in the sandbox.”

  “I’m not playing in the sandbox.”

  “But you’re coming to the park.”

  “Tanya, follow me over there so we can start our second date. You know you want to.” He put a spell on me with his sexy eyes and crooked smile.