by CJ Embers
“I didn’t say I was finished. Stop being an ass and brushing me off. Did he get thrown in jail or something?”
The man sighed. “No, he’s not in jail.” He paused, then sighed again. “He’s gone to a different settlement.”
My jaw slacked for a moment. “Oh… Why did the Tehji want him to move?”
“They had nothing to do with it. It was a personal choice.”
“That seems odd,” I commented.
Anger crossed his face and he visibly had to fight to keep his voice low. “It was to protect himself, Kena,” he said with a seething undertone. “Don’t play stupid; I know exactly what you two would have done if you could have. He left so he wouldn’t be tempted.” Before leaving, he added, “I lost my best friend because of you.”
I said nothing, watching him go. Horrible guilt swamped me, sucking the oxygen from my lungs. I leaned back against the statue again, out of view of the street. The guilt of Kasiya leaving because of me burned like fire against my skin.
Chapter 3
M y mother called me from the dining room. After giving Mazi a quick pat, I went to see what she wanted. My mother asked me to sit, and I complied, settling down in a chair opposite her.
She clasped her hands and leaned forward a bit. “Kena, the time has come.”
“Ugh, Mom, not this again.”
“Yes, this again,” she said, giving me a disapproving look.
“We just talked about it, though!”
“Mm hmm, well, I was approached by one of the Tehji since then, and they find you suitable to contribute.”
My jaw gaped. “Mom! I don’t want to!”
“Stop acting like a child, Kena. You’re twenty years old, much too old to still be staying here with me. Being chosen by the Tehji is an honour.”
I shook my head vehemently. “No. I refuse.”
“I figured you would say that. So here’s an ultimatum. Start contributing, or be shunned.”
I swallowed thickly as Syida flashed in my mind. It had been days since she had been shunned, and I hadn’t seen her since. Was she thrown in some dank cell, or…
My skin crawled as my mind jumped to the worst-case scenario… that she had been killed away from the prying eyes of the village. Even though I hated the idea of having a child, the unknown of being shunned made it feel like it would be better than being stripped of my humanity, or my life.
My skin felt clammy and I couldn’t meet my mother’s gaze.
“Decide.”
Chest tight, I tried to speak over the lump in my throat. “I— I’ll contribute.”
“Good girl. I will let the Tehji know.”
I was sick to my stomach. My mother left the house, and I couldn’t move for a while. I knew I would eventually have to choose a path, but I didn’t think it would be like this. I was forced into choosing the lesser of two evils, even though it was hardly lesser.
The nausea wasn’t going away, and I went to my bed, curling up tightly under the covers. Tears flowed down my face, soaking into the furs.
Sometime later, I heard the front door open. A few moments later, my mother came into my room.
“The Tehji have been informed. Tomorrow’s the big day!”
Her words and her excitement brought forth another wave of nausea, and my vision blurred.
She came up to me and patted my shoulder. “I know you’re nervous, Kena. The first time is always scary. Do you want me to explain the process a bit, so you know what to expect?”
I let out a barely-audible grunt, which my mother must’ve taken as a yes, because she began explaining.
“Okay, so a Tehjin will come retrieve you. He will escort you to the house of the man they have chosen. Once the Tehjin leaves, you and the man will do the deed. Sometimes, the first time doesn’t result in a child, so if that’s the case, you will need to continue going back until it does. Usually it’s apparent you’re pregnant a few weeks or so after it is done, so it would be every few weeks until it works.”
The more she talked, the more I felt the need to heave, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to tell her to stop.
“Once you’re pregnant, you will, as you know, get your own house. There, you will raise your child. Every few years, you will, hopefully, be bred to raise more children. If you turn out to be a poor parent, the Tehji will no longer permit you to bear children, and you will be shunned.”
She gave me a soft smile. “I believe that covers all of the basics. I promise it will be less stressful in the moment, Kena. Once you experience a man, you’ll jump at the opportunity to do it again.”
My mother gave me another pat, then stood and left the room.
The entire night, I barely slept. My stomach was in knots, and even though I was exhausted, my mind refused to let me drift off. As the hours ticked by, I continuously went back and forth between the two choices: to contribute, or to be shunned.
Even though the idea of contributing to Shekri terrified me, I still kept coming to the conclusion that it was better than being shunned. At least with contributing, I would be able to live in my own house and have some semblance of freedom. Being shunned, on the other hand, meant I would have the same fate as Syida; even though I didn’t know what happened to her after she left my sight, I knew it wasn’t good.
When morning came, I felt no better, and I wasn’t actually sure if I ended up getting any sleep at all. I stayed in bed for as long as possible, until my mother came into my room to retrieve me.
She was clearly happy, with a big smile on her face and her eyes bright and warm. “Come on, Kena. It’s your big day today. The Tehjin will come this evening, so come eat your breakfast. We must prepare.”
I found myself wishing it was planned to happen right in the morning. With it being all the way in the evening, I had all day to think about it, stress about it, and make myself sick over it.
Throughout the day, my mother wouldn’t stop pruning me. She made me bathe, lathered lotion all over my body, did my hair, picked out nice clothes, and tried to cram as much proper etiquette down my throat as possible.
When the knock at the door finally came, I wanted to run. To run as far as possible and never look back. But I couldn’t. And knowing I couldn’t made me want to break down.
My mother opened the door and greeted the Tehjin. He was dressed in the usual garb of the leaders, and the sight of the red robe made me ill. With a peck on the cheek, my mother ushered me out.
The man was silent, and I wasn’t sure if that was better than small talk right now or not. We wound down the streets, and knowing each step took me closer to sealing my fate made tears well in my eyes. When we stopped at a house, the Tehjin knocked. My heart thundered, rattling against my chest like it wanted to escape.
The door opened, and a man I recognized stood there. His name was Rorik, and he was the blacksmith. I would have almost rather it had been a stranger, but that wouldn’t have been possible in such a small village.
The Tehjin said his goodbyes, then left.
My roaring heart was the only thing I could hear as Rorik stepped back to invite me inside. I felt frozen to the spot but willed myself to move as the images of the shunned flashed in my mind.
When Rorik touched my arm, I realized I was shaking uncontrollably. He tried to reassure me, but I couldn’t stop the tremors. I wasn’t scared of what would happen. I was scared of losing the dreams of the life I wanted. The moment I would become pregnant, it would seal my fate, and I would never get the chance to fight for a better life.
In Rorik’s room, he slipped my shirt off me and trailed his fingers down my skin. If this had been happening on my own time, with my own choice of man, I would be swooning right now; but I felt nothing but disgust.
When Rorik’s fingers trailed a little bit too low, I snapped. All the anger and resentment I had tried to keep bottled up inside exploded, and I punched him square in the face.
As he was reeling back, I snatched up my shirt and bolted. The outside air was
chilly against my bare skin and I shivered. Not wanting to risk looking behind me to see if Rorik was chasing me, I dove for the nearest alley.
I slid to the ground, the brick scraping at my back. It felt like my lungs were filled with lead, and I clutched at my throat as I struggled to breathe.
I knew I was going to be shunned. My life would be over and as a shunned, I would never have a chance to turn my life around. Despite that, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Rorik.
I stayed in the alley for a long while, terrified to step out into the street for fear of someone seeing me. When the moon was high in the sky, I let out a shuddering breath and moved my limbs. My muscles complained of the stiffness from being so tense.
Putting on my shirt, my fingers trembled as they ran over the fabric. When I stepped out of the alley, my skin prickled, and I was terrified someone would see me and immediately shun me.
Thankfully, I saw no one. There was a light on in Rorik’s home, and there was movement visible behind the curtained windows. I was a bit surprised he hadn’t tried to come after me, but I shook it off and left.
When I eventually stopped walking, I realized I had gone back home. My hand hovered over the doorknob. The sound of my mother shuffling around inside reached me, and I pulled my hand back. The longer I stood there, the more I couldn’t bring myself to go inside.
When she came closer to the door, I panicked and bolted. I kept running until I passed the outskirts of the village and melded into the forest.
Now that I was finally away from Shekri, my emotions fully broke through and tears flowed down my face. By this time, sunrise was only a few hours away, and I was exhausted from everything that had happened.
The bright morning sun woke me at dawn. I sat up, brushing away dirt that had gotten stuck to my cheek. Leaf matter was tangled in my hair, and I dawdled by picking it all out.
Eventually running out of things to postpone going back, I picked myself up and dusted off my clothes. I didn’t want to look even more suspicious by not taking the main path to get back into the village, so I tried to act as casually as possible.
The two guards posted by the entrance greeted me normally, and I gave them a friendly nod. I got past them without any issue and tried not to look too relieved. As soon as I was in Shekri, I debated taking the alleyways, but ended up deciding not to.
Even if I kept trying to hide, I would have to face the consequences of my actions sooner or later. Unless I planned to hide away in the forest for the rest of my days, I needed to own up to what I did. Everyone I passed seemed none the wiser of what I had done, and it helped smother my anxieties a little bit.
Someone appeared in front of me, and I jumped from the shock. When I realized it was my mother, I froze. To my confusion, there was a huge smile on her face.
“So, I bumped into Rorik not too long ago,” she said, still smiling.
My stomach twisted so hard, I thought I would pass out.
“He was such a gentleman and didn’t want to give me any details, but you must’ve enjoyed yourself if it was an all-nighter.” She gave me a nudge and wink.
Confusion slammed into me and I fought to keep it from showing on my face. I forced out a small chuckle. “Yeah, it was great.”
“Are you okay? You look a bit uncomfortable.” She tugged on my shirt and smoothed out the rumples.
“Oh, uh, you know… The first time hurt a bit. Still feeling it a little bit.”
“Oh, of course!” she said, like she had completely forgotten about it. “Well, I’m proud of you, Kena. You’re finally growing up.” My mother gently pinched my cheek, then said she had some things to attend to.
I watched her leave, feeling overwhelmed with confusion. I felt compelled to seek out Rorik and ask what he had told my mother, but I was hesitant. What if he took my returning the wrong way and changed his mind about playing off my absence? Or what if seeing me reminded him about me punching him in the face, and he changed his mind to get justice?
Feeling unsure, I decided to go home and lock myself away in my room with Mazi. Hearing the rumbling of her purrs and feeling the soft kneading of her paws helped soothe my worries.
When my mother returned sometime later, she tried to get me to come out of my room by claiming there would be some sort of celebratory meal to mark the fact that I had officially started contributing to Shekri and Karua.
But the idea of food and fun did the opposite of help lure me out. All it did was remind me of how I chickened out, and how I was teetering on the edge of being shunned. One wrong move, one wrong word, and I would spend the rest of my life as the lowest in Shekri.
My mother came to my room after I still hadn’t come out. “What’s wrong, Kena? Do you still hurt? I can go get some medication.”
“No, it’s not that,” I said before she could rush out to go to the pharmacy.
Confusion flickered in her eyes before it was replaced by a look of knowing. She sat on the bed and lay a hand over mine. “Kena… Are you… developing feelings for Rorik?”
My eyes snapped to hers, my eyes wide in shock at such a suggestion.
“Because you know that’s not allowed,” she continued. “I know the act of mating can be very emotional, and the tug to become attached can be very strong sometimes. And I know how much you like men. But you must repress the—”
“I— I don’t like him, Mom!” I interrupted, feeling embarrassed at the thought. Thinking quickly, I added, “It’s just hard to digest the fact that I might not be considered your child anymore… I’ll have my own, and it’s just hard to wrap my head around that.”
My mother visibly melted and grasped my fingers. “Kena, you will always be my daughter. Having your own child doesn’t take away from our own relationship. Now come, let’s go do something to help you get your mind off it. The celebration will happen later today.”
I hesitated for a moment. I wanted to just lie here with my cat and wallow in self-pity… But clearly, for some reason, Rorik implied that we had gone through with it. I didn’t think that could have been by accident, so that meant I should play along. If I played along, that would give me a little bit more time to dig through the deepest recesses of my mind to find a way to get out of only having two choices.
When I agreed, happiness lit up my mother’s face and she ushered me up. She told me to get cleaned up and put on a set of fresh clothes, so I did.
Outside, there were a few people hanging up decorations on their houses, and I glanced at my mother excitedly. Preparations for the Ascension Ceremony were already underway.
She put her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. I wasn’t sure where she was bringing me, but when we stopped outside of my favourite treat shop, I instantly felt guilty.
Instead of showing it, however, I slapped a smile across my face and followed my mother inside. She let me pick out what I wanted, then we went outside to eat our treats.
As we were sitting underneath the shaded patio of the shop, my mother chattered away. Despite trying to pay attention, I couldn’t help but continue to zone out as I thought of how much I was backing myself into a corner.
Eventually, the Tehji and the village in general would realize I had been lying. Depending on how far along into my lie I was at that point, I would either be let off easy if they just assumed the first try wasn’t a success, or I’d be in deep trouble.
Thoughts of the stories of Iunis flitted through my mind. They were only stories meant to scare young women… but they worked; the idea of being cast out and forced to live a life of isolation was an even worse thought than being shunned.
As I was nibbling on my yummy treat, I was watching the passersby and imagining them shuffling along with shackles wrapped around their ankles.
When I realized I had locked eyes with Rorik, I froze mid-nibble. He had been walking down the street and happened to see me in the shade. He gave me a smile and subtly nodded his head towards the shop on the other side of the street.
After he had di
sappeared into the building, I turned to my mother. She was still babbling happily, and I quickly interrupted to tell her I thought I saw Enari go into that store. “I just want to ask her something really quick. I’ll be back right away.”
I asked her to hold my treat, then dashed across the street. Inside the building, the shopkeeper was distracted with another villager. I went to where Rorik was browsing the shelves in a secluded corner, farthest away from the shopkeeper and away from his prying eyes.
Paranoia was ricocheting against my skull as I stopped close to him and picked up a jar of marmalade to pretend to also be browsing.
Rorik quietly spoke up. “I’m sure you’re wanting an explanation, but I won’t do it here. Let’s meet outside of the village at dusk so we can talk freely.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “My mother is planning a celebration for me for tonight. Tomorrow?”
He nodded, so I put the jar back on the shelf and left the shop. Back with my mother, she handed me my treat after I had sat down again.
“So was it Enari?” she asked.
I told her it was.
“Did you tell her about last night?”
I shook my head. “I’m sure you’re inviting her to my celebration tonight, so she can find out then.”
We finished our desserts and spent the rest of the day walking around the village. My mother continued to buy little treats for me— as well as knickknacks— and every time she did, the guilt returned full force again. I usually did small white lies every now and then throughout my life, but this one topped all those tenfold, and the guilt was eating away at me.
When early evening arrived, my mother sent me off so she could prepare for my celebration. Most of the time, when my mother wanted me out of the house for whatever reason, I would go to Enari’s; but the thought of going there and having to lie straight to her face, too, made me want otherwise.
My friend would find out the news shortly anyway, but at least at the celebration, my attention would be spread over many people instead of focused on just one.
For a while, I nestled in the nook on top of one of the Helis statues. I could see a lot up here and had a better view of the Tehji palace than if I were just standing near the stage normally.
