Phoenix Rising

by Lagomarsino, Giulia

  Everyone was quiet as they contemplated what I was saying, but I could tell it was starting to sink in with them. This was not only our lives on the line, but our families.

  “This is what you hired me to do. I make sure you’re up to par so you go home to your families. If you would let me out in the field with you, I would fight right alongside you. But that’s not going to happen, so I will do whatever the fuck I have to so that you all go home and see your kids grow up. By the time you get back out in the field, you will be stronger, faster, and work smarter than you ever have before. That’s what this new training is about. And it will fucking work. We will not lose another member of this team for a year and we will never be put in the position again where we’re on the run, hemorrhaging and fighting for our lives. We are fucking Reed Security and we will be the best fucking versions of ourselves that we’ve ever been.”

  I hadn’t really meant to go on a tangent about all that, but I needed them to know why I was pushing this new training so hard. And it seemed like it had worked. All of them sat a little taller, looked a little more stoic. A little more ready to fight back.

  “So,” Sinner held up his finger in question. “Does this mean that you care about us?”

  I picked up my pen and threw it at him.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  Chance

  After detoxing, I was sent off to talk shit out with a therapist. It mostly consisted of me telling the woman in front of me that I had nightmares, I had fucked up, and now I was being forced to sit with her ass in the dingy room and share my feelings. Obviously, my charming personality hadn’t won her over. After a month of daily sessions, she handed me a card of a psychologist who specializes in PTSD, telling me to make an appointment when I got home. She also told me she would be following up with my boss.

  I hauled my bag over my shoulder and took a deep breath as I prepared to walk through the doors of Reed Security again. Nobody knew that I was coming back today, and part of me hoped that I could sneak in without anyone seeing. If I had my house, I would hide out there as long as I could, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go right now.

  I walked over to the gate where the touchpad was, but when I entered my code, I was denied access. I tried again, thinking that I had pressed the wrong numbers, but I was denied again. Shit, I was going to have to call someone. I fucking hated this, hated every single moment of all the shit that had gone down over the past year and a half. I hated that I had been taken. I hated that I couldn’t fucking get over it. I hated that I had to ask for help. But most of all, I hated myself for hurting my friends and Morgan and Payton.

  I was sober, but that just meant that I had to actually deal with the shit going on in my head. There was no more hiding and no more pretending that shit didn’t happen. The nightmares were back. The need to shower every hour was stronger than ever. The self-loathing was at its worst. But for the first time in a long time, I felt like I might actually be able to find a way to deal with all this shit.

  I pulled my phone out to dial when a truck pulled up behind me. I turned to see who it was and sighed. Of course it was Ice. Just the man I wanted to see. I had remembered some of what I had said to him that night in the bar. I deserved every shitty thing he had to say to me. But he didn’t look at me like the scum I felt like. He just jerked his chin for me to get in the truck. I walked around to the passenger side and hopped in, noticing all the crap in the backseat of his truck.

  “We’re still moving all our stuff in,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Moving in? Remember at the meeting where we all discussed selling our homes and moving onto the property?”

  It sounded vaguely familiar, but I had become quite the functioning alcoholic while I was here.

  “Shit, you really were tanked,” he muttered, driving through the gates. “I didn’t see it. I thought you were just having a few drinks.”

  I looked out the window, not really wanting to talk about it right now. It was supposed to be part of the process, but talking about it made me want a fucking drink.

  “You didn’t tell anyone you were getting home today, did you?”

  “You think anyone would give a fuck?” I muttered.

  “You really are fucked up.” He put the truck in park and turned to me, waiting for me to look at him. “Hey,” he said forcefully. I finally looked at him, not knowing what to say or think. It was true. I was fucked up, but I was scared because I didn’t know how to find my way back to who I was. “One day at a time. Nobody expects you to be fine, but we do expect you to fucking talk to us and ask for help when you need it.”

  Before I could answer, my door was yanked open and Gabe was hauling me out of the truck and punching me in the face. “That’s for not telling us you were coming home.” He reared back and punched me again. “That’s for taking me off the visitors’ list at the rehab center, asshole.”

  “I wasn’t allowed visitors.”

  “Cap pulled strings and you knew it.”

  He was about to punch me again when Jackson came up behind him and stopped him.

  “How about we find a different way to greet him than beating the shit out of him? Besides, beating someone that’s been tortured probably isn’t helpful to his psyche.” I glared at him, but he just shook his head. “What? You don’t like me treating you with kid gloves?”

  “I’m right fucking here, asshole. Why don’t you just fucking ask me if you want an answer?”

  “I would if I thought you would open your fucking mouth. Remember, Gabe and I were with you when you woke up in the hospital. I’d say we saw you at your worst. We fucking told you that you didn’t have to hide shit from us. We can take it.”

  “Maybe I don’t want you to take it,” I growled. “Maybe I don’t want anyone to know what the fuck happened. Maybe I don’t want to fucking relive it.”

  “Enough,” Ice stepped in. “Arguing about this right now isn’t helping anyone. Let’s get him settled in and then we can hash shit out.”

  He picked up my bag and threw it over his shoulder. I took Jackson’s outstretched hand against my better judgement and stood. He nodded and walked away, which left me with Gabe. I flinched when he stepped toward me, thinking he was going to hit me again, but he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in for a guy hug.

  “You don’t have to be a fucking asshole. I’m pissed because we’re supposed to help each other out. You shut us out and walked away.” I patted his back awkwardly and stepped away from him. “Don’t be such a pussy. It was a hug, not an invitation to have sex.”

  “You never know with you,” I said as we headed inside.

  “Oh, you’re real fucking funny. You should do stand-up.”

  I smiled slightly and followed him down the hallway to the common area area, but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Payton and Morgan hanging out with some of the other women. Payton ran up to me, wrapping her body around me, like she was really fucking happy to see me. Morgan stayed on the couch and wouldn’t look at me.

  “Hey, Payton. How are you?” I gripped her tight to me, so fucking glad that she was still happy to see me. I missed her so fucking much. I had really screwed things up with her, ignoring her when my own problems became too much to take.

  “I missed you. You should see all the different things I learned! I’m almost as good as the other kids my age now.”

  “I bet you are,” I smiled.

  “Where were you?”

  Shit, I didn’t think I would have to explain this to a kid. Not to mention, I wasn’t sure what Morgan had told her or what she would be comfortable with me telling her. I decided to go for as much honesty as I could. It wouldn’t help to start off my recovery with lying.

  “I was off at a special place to help me feel better.”

  “Were you sick?”

  “Not really. I just needed some help and the people there were doing that.”

  “Mommy couldn’t help you?”

  I stared into h
er sweet little eyes and wanted to tell her that her mom was capable of anything, but that wasn’t true. I had been too fucked up for just anyone to help. Flashes of rehab and detoxing hit me hard and I shook them from my mind. I needed to focus on moving forward.

  “I needed a doctor to help me.”

  And just like that, she didn’t have any more questions for me. She rambled on for a good five minutes about things she had been learning, all the while, I couldn’t take my eyes off Morgan. She wouldn’t look at me though. I needed to get her alone just for five minutes. I needed to apologize to her for being such an ass. I didn’t know if she would forgive me or if she would even consider giving me another chance, but I wouldn’t find out if I didn’t talk to her.

  I took just one step toward her and she shot out of her chair and ran from the room. Now that I wasn’t drinking and I could think clearly, I knew that I had hurt her way worse than I ever thought. I was too drunk most of the time to even remember how I had spoken to her. But there were a few times that stood out in my mind, and I knew it was fucking bad. I recalled fucking her and not caring if she was ready for me or not. I remembered only wanting to use her to forget. That wasn’t supposed to be the way it was with us. We were supposed to help each other, but the truth was, she did everything to help me and I had done absolutely nothing to help her. Now she was walking away from me and I had a feeling it was for good, that no amount of pleading and groveling would ever make things right between us.

  “Give it time,” Gabe said, gripping onto my shoulder. “You know, she’s not fine either. You both need to take a step back and get your shit together.”

  “I just wanted to apologize to her.”

  “Another day, man. Wait for her to be ready to hear it.”

  He jerked my shoulder, telling me to follow him, and I did.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Morgan

  I almost gave in when I saw Chance walk through the door. He looked better. His face was clearer and there was a clarity to his eyes that hadn’t been there in a long time. I could still see the haunted look he got on his face, but it didn’t seem like he was quite so tortured over everything. Now I just had to figure out what I was going to do about everything.

  I had been seeing a therapist ever since Chance left for rehab. I figured that I had my own issues to sort out and that I couldn’t place all the blame on him. I had been stupid to think that I could help him when I wasn’t dealing with my own issues. Mine were not nearly as bad as his, but that didn’t make me qualified to help him.

  I had seen him a lot over the past few days. He was hanging out with the guys a lot more, trying to get back to normal. It was awkward to say the least. He looked like he would rather be anywhere other than where he was, but he forced himself to stay out with the others.

  I was walking back from the area of the training center where the kids were working when I saw him across the room. He was working out with some of the other guys. It was the first time I had seen him getting back to work in a long time and he looked tired, but good at the same time. I smiled to myself, happy that he was getting better. But then he turned and stared right at me, his intense eyes boring into me until I felt like I would suffocate. I couldn’t look away. I felt those old pangs of longing hitting me hard, begging me to go talk to him. But my therapist was right. I couldn’t start anything up with him until we were both better. We were caught in a trap where we only ended up hurting each other. If we wanted any kind of healthy relationship, we had to both heal first.

  I turned and walked away, my heart breaking when I saw the disappointment on his face. He was mine and he always would be. I just had to get back to a point where I could accept what happened and be ready to move on with my life.