Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Bert was doing his best to play nice, but he could feel his temper getting the better of him. He couldn’t think of a single plausible reason to continue listening to Carter scream. He certainly didn’t respect the man, nor his authority. Carter was nothing but a bully with a metaphorical badge. Fuck him.

  Carter continued, “In accordance with Hand of Magic law, and my authority as the jurisdictional overseer, I’m placing you under arrest, pending a full investigation into your involvement in this tragic incident.”

  This was it. Carter had finally pulled the trigger after all these years. Before it might’ve scared him, but he was already staring down a barrel and death was on the other end. It was freeing in a way, not having to fear Carter for the first time. He almost laughed. Instead, he grinned and said, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Carter.”

  Carter’s eyes widened like a deer in headlights. His face contorted, unable to display both shock and rage simultaneously. Aside from the occasional snarky comment, Bert had never challenged his authority before.

  The air in the room thickened as if full of smoke and the light flickered as Carter summoned magical energy. An awful lot of energy. Bert felt his hair stand on end and did his best to look nonchalant, though he feared Carter might disintegrate him at any moment. He’d never seen him this angry.

  In a low voice, Carter said, “What did you say?”

  Calmly, Bert replied, “I said I’m not going to let you do that.”

  “You’d best choose your next words wisely… If you challenge me, I’ll put you down like the dog you are.”

  All right, Uncle Tony, he thought, I guess it’s time to see if you outrank Captain Grumpy Pants. Without saying another word, Bert presented the magical aura his uncle had provided. Carter couldn’t see it, but he could feel it within his mind. He could access the information he had the rank to see, as if it were a legal document being validated against his security clearance.

  Quietly, Bert said, “You see, I’m currently engaged in a legally sanctioned mission on behalf of the Hand of Magic. If you arrest me, then I can’t finish the job.”

  Several moments passed where neither man spoke, and Bert wondered if Carter’s head might actually explode. The real question still was if Uncle Tony’s rank outweighed that of the local sheriff. If it did then he was free. If not, he was going to wizard jail. It was the moment of truth.

  “I see,” Carter said slowly.

  They fell into an awkward silence again.

  “Fine,” Carter said, his words dripping with venom. Then he said what was quite likely, in Bert’s mind, the hardest statement the man ever had to make. “I won’t take you into custody.”

  Bert fought to hold back a grin. He’d trumped Carter. After all the years of taking the man’s shit, he’d finally had an opportunity to tell him to kick rocks. He wanted to gloat. Hell, he wanted to hop on his desk and do a happy dance. He restrained himself.

  Carter continued, “This mission aura doesn’t tell me much. I would like to know who assigned it.”

  Now he had to fight back tears of joy. As professionally as he could manage, Bert said, “I’m sorry, Carter, but I’m not at liberty to say.”

  A hint of Carter’s rage boiled to the surface. “And I don’t suppose you’ll tell what the parameters of this mission are? What exactly it is you’re supposed to be doing?”

  Bert stared at him, knowing that if he tried to speak he’d burst into laughter and tears, and probably have to do the happy dance after all. Instead, he shook his head.

  Carter leaned across his desk, so their faces were closer. “Listen carefully, you little piss ant. Today you’re free, but I know you, and I know you’ll cross the line. When you do, I’ll be waiting, and I’ll hunt you down. I only hope that when that day comes, you’re stupid enough to try me so I can be the one to end you.”

  “Thank you,” Bert said in a serious tone. “I’m overwhelmed by the gratitude you’ve shown me for my part in protecting the Underbelly. And I can’t thank you enough for the assistance you’ve given me in completing my mission for the Hand of Magic. You sir, are a gentleman, a wonderful leader, and an example to us all.”

  “Waylon, whatever you’ve gotten yourself into, don’t expect any help from us.”

  “And most of all,” Bert continued, speaking over him. “Thank you for all that you do.”

  Carter’s response was barely understandable. “Get... Out... Of... My... Office!”

  ***

  Bert stepped out of the office and headed down the sidewalk toward where he’d parked. The streets were a chaotic mess of tourists scurrying about like ants. There was no pattern to the ebb and flow, but it did have a vibrant energy. Families burning their vacation money on ice cream and trinkets, keeping the little town alive.

  Bert watched them with a hint of envy. If they knew what lurked in the shadows, would they still be here? If they’d seen what he’d seen? If they knew the monsters under their beds were real? Would they still be shopping?

  He shook the thought from his head and continued forward, letting his mind drift. Nearby he heard the sweet melody of an ice cream truck and paused. Something wasn’t right. He couldn’t be sure what exactly, but he felt it on a molecular level. It was something with the song. It was the right cheery tune to take him back to his childhood, but there was something there, under the melody. Something hidden beneath the cheery jingle which made shivers crawl down his spine.

  He turned, scanning the street, and saw it just ahead. There was nothing special about the truck, it was the same as any he’d seen growing up. Nor was there anything strange about the line of children waiting for their turn. Then he saw the face of the man through the open order window. Ding Dong.

  Ding Dong the psychotic, super-powered, child eating clown, and he was, at that very moment, serving delicious treats to a line of children. Jumping up and down, clapping his hands, and putting on a show. The kids loved him. Their parents, standing to the side, seemed nonplussed by the clown. Just a harmless showman. Bert thought he was going to be sick.

  In the middle of his act, the clown glanced up at Bert and winked.

  He sighed and walked toward the ice cream truck. His approach was met with disapproving and concerned gazes from parents, and a few pulled their kids away. Bert glanced down at himself, realizing he hadn’t changed out of his torn, dirty, and bloody clothes. He was the one who looked like a psychopath. Not the clown.

  The line dispersed, as concerned parents pulled their disappointed children away from the dirty millennial in his bloody clothes. At least he didn’t have to wait in line.

  “Mean little wizard,” Ding Dong said, pouting. “You scared away all of my customers. Ding Dong sad.”

  “Sorry,” Bert replied.

  The clown smiled, showing a glimpse of his razor-sharp teeth. “Ding Dong would be happy again if his wizard friend brought him a new toy. Or, if the wizard became his new toy.”

  “Still working on it,” Bert replied. “No toy today.”

  “How unfortunate,” the clown said, frowning. “But we heard a tale that you were playing in the place below. Playing very loudly, we heard. And yet, you have not found my new toy? Why would a wizard be playing below, when he should be doing this thing for his friends? Does the wizard not want to be our friend?”

  “I’m not sure what you just said, but I promise you, I’ll find it.”

  Ding Dong smiled and clapped his hands. “But I want my new toy. If I don’t have it soon, I may throw a little temper tantrum, and we don’t want that, do we?”

  “Of course not,” Bert replied, forcing a smile. “You’ll have it soon.”

  “Good little wizard.” The clown reached out and patted his head like he was a puppy. “Have an ice cream.”

  He held a chocolate-covered ice cream bar out of the truck window. Bert’s initial reaction was to refuse, but he didn’t know how the clown would respond. And, he was pretty hungry. He doubted Ding Dong would poison him before
he found the object, so what the hell? He reached up and took it.

  “Tomorrow, little wizard,” Ding Dong said, grinning. “You have until tomorrow at midnight, and then I come play with you.”

  Ding Dong slammed the ice cream window shut, and the vehicle lurched forward down the street, nearly running over Bert’s foot. It disappeared around the corner a moment later.

  Bert glanced at the ice cream bar in his hand, only it wasn’t an ice cream bar anymore. Instead, it was a chewed up human hand impaled on a stick. The thumb was bent outward, and every finger, save the middle finger, were curled up in a fist. The middle finger stood erect, flipping him the bird.

  The nail on the middle finger pulsed, once, twice, then on the third pulse, it fell away, and maggots wriggled free, crawling down the dead flesh. More and more poured out, and in horrid fascination, he realized they were racing toward the stick, and his hand.

  He hurled it to the ground where it struck in a bloody splat. Ding Dong’s laughter filled his ears and he looked up, but the clown was nowhere in sight. Yet his voice said, “Tomorrow at midnight, wizard. I come to play.”

  Bert glanced back down at the dead hand he’d flung in the street. Only now, it was ice cream again, shattered and melting on the pavement.

  He shook his head to clear his thoughts, and realized people were giving him odd looks. Of course they were. He was dressed in bloody rags and wasting perfectly good ice cream. He started down the street again, ignoring their stares.

  “Asshole,” he muttered, still hungry. “Whatever, I’m more of a Bomb Pop guy anyway.”

  Chapter 33

  The aroma from the grill hit him before he even parked. Home. Finally.

  His first order of business was a shower. He’d finally donned fresh clothes, but that didn’t clear away the stench of death he couldn’t seem to shake. He headed straight to his room for yet another set of clean clothes and then managed to make it to the bathroom without being seen.

  A few minutes later, he stepped out of the bathroom feeling human again, and walked right into Lilith.

  She jumped in surprise then started to laugh. Bert was entranced, not only be the sweet sound, but also by the aroma of her perfume. She said, “Bert! I didn’t even know you were home. Everyone’s out back.”

  He met her gaze, trying desperately to not notice her cleavage in the low-cut black dress she wore. He gulped and said, “Yeah, I just got here. Was feeling a bit stagnant, figured I’d better hop in the shower before I started stinking up the place.”

  She pulled him into a hug and said, “Well, you smell good now.”

  Her body pressed up against him was both a dream and a nightmare. The warmth of her body pressed against his. Her leg gently brushing his. Her perfect breasts pressed against his chest. Her breath on his neck. Yet, it was a nightmare because he could feel certain parts of his anatomy growing a little too excited.

  He gently pushed her away. “I’m starving. Is dinner ready?”

  “Yeah, let me lead the way.” She took his hand and led him out the back door. His eyes fell to the sway of her hips, and again, he was entranced. She glanced back and noticed him staring, but just smiled and continued leading him to the back.

  Behind the house, his friends sat around a small fire, holding paper plates and eating barbecue. A cooler sat nearby, obviously containing beer. The boys had cleaned up well and any sign they’d been in a war zone earlier that day was gone. And the girls. Wow. They were all dressed to kill.

  Hunter and Allie were there as well. With everything going on, Hunter probably felt closer to the group as a whole. It was good. Bert liked having them around.

  Then his eyes drifted across the fire and he came up a short. Sitting in a lawn chair, eating barbecue, and chatting away with the others, was Simon.

  Bert tensed, wishing he hadn’t left his staff and sword in the house.

  Simon met his gaze from across the fire. There was no threat or malice in his eyes. Bert wondered if his own face was as neutral, because he really felt like walking over and punching Simon in the face.

  Jim’s voice broke through his thoughts. “Bert! Look who decided to join us for dinner!”

  Bert forced a smile. “I see that. How’s it going, Simon?”

  Simon returned the smile and stood up. He set his plate in his chair and walked over. Bert stuck out his hand, but Simon slapped it away and pulled him into a hug. It caught Bert off guard and he nearly stumbled. He reluctantly returned his old friend’s embrace, until Simon pulled away, and said, “It’s good to see you, man.”

  “Yeah, you too,” Bert replied, trying to hold back his temper.

  Kevin stepped over and slapped Simon on the back. “Like a ghost from the past, right?”

  “Indeed,” Bert replied, “What are you doing back in these parts, Simon?”

  Bert caught a glint of humor in Simon’s eyes as he said, “Work. Just passing through, actually. I can’t stay long, but didn’t want to miss a chance to stop by and see my friends.”

  “Fair enough,” Bert said, stepping away. “I’m going to make a plate real quick.”

  Bert moved toward the table with the food, trying to suppress his need to punch something. Fortunately, his hunger won over his temper as he stacked his plate with ribs, a burger, corn, baked beans, and a roll. He packed his plate like he was on death row and it was his last meal. It had been a long day. Last, he grabbed a beer from the ice chest and went to sit down beside Lilith.

  Then he proceeded to stuff his face like an animal, only half listening to the conversations going on around him. They talked about work, TV shows, and a plethora of other boring normal people things. As much as he could use some boring in his life, with Simon sitting nearby, his thoughts were still on the supernatural.

  “So,” Simon asked, “who is this gorgeous lady sitting beside you, Bert? You struck gold. She’s beautiful.”

  Lilith blushed beside him and said, “Thank you, but...”

  All eyes were on Bert. Really, Bert thought, it’s not enough you have to threaten my life, now you have to make things awkward with Lilith? Simon most certainly remembered her. Dick.

  Bert shrugged. “I don’t think I could be lucky enough for that. She’s a little out of my league.”

  “Really?” Simon said. “So, she’s single?”

  Bert paused, his need to punch Simon in the face multiplying. Simon saw the look in his eyes and smiled. He’s toying with me, Bert thought, but knowing that didn’t help. It only made him angrier.

  Lilith came to his rescue. “Single, yes. On the market? No.”

  Laughter erupted around the fire. Bert stole a glance at Lilith and she winked at him. He felt the tension ease away. Damn, he thought, I’m falling for her more by the second. He remembered why he’d been so devastated when she left. He’d give anything to be hers.

  Bert sighed and glanced back over at Simon. His anger melted away and for a moment, he pitied his old friend. Surely he didn’t want to be in the position he was in any more than Bert did. It was different, though. Simon had chosen his part in this. Bert most certainly didn’t. But then, maybe Simon didn’t have much of a choice, either. Bert didn’t know the full circumstances. He hadn’t had a chance to visit with him one on one. He needed to hold his anger until he learned more. Then he’d punch his dickhead friend in the face.

  Lilith joined a few of the others to help bring out dessert, and the moment she stepped away, Allie moved over and plopped down in her seat. Bert didn’t fail to notice the mischievous grin on her face. But before he could say anything, Neil’s wife, Liz, grabbed another chair and plopped down beside Allie. She also wore an evil grin.

  “What?” he asked, glaring at them.

  “What’s the scoop, Bert?” Allie asked. “With Lilith?”

  “Yeah,” Liz said. “We’re dying to know.”

  “Oh,” Bert replied. “That.”

  Liz rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that. Are you two getting together?”

  Be
rt shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Allie scoffed. “Oh, come on Bert, you’re nuts about her!”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “It’s beyond obvious,” Liz said, laughing. “You turn red any time she’s around.”

  “And you can’t keep your eyes off her,” Allie added.

  “You stammer when you talk.”

  “You look nervous as hell.”

  “You smile way more.”

  “You giggle like a school girl at everything she says.”

  “All right,” Bert said, cutting them off. “I get it. It’s obvious. Do you think she knows?”

  “Uh, duh,” Liz said.

  Allie gave him a compassionate look. “We always know.”

  “Right,” Bert said, looking down at his food. “Do you think she likes me?”

  “Well, she came all this way. That must mean something.”

  “I don’t know.” Bert shrugged. “We used to be really close. I watched her go through countless boyfriends when we were younger. She never gave me any reason to think it could be anything more. I mean, I was friend zoned so hard we could’ve synchronized our periods.”

  They both smacked him and scolded him.

  He put up his hands defensively and said, “Sorry. What do you think about her?”

  Allie shrugged. “I haven’t spent much time around her.”

  Liz was thoughtful for a second and said, “I like her. She’s nice...”

  “But?” Bert asked.

  “Well, I don’t know, Bert. She seems really nice, but she’s just kind of awkward, I guess.”

  “Awkward how?”

  “Well, you know she’s pretty much spent the last few days with us. I don’t think awkward is the right word. She just isn’t real comfortable around us.”

  Bert shrugged. “Well, that could be just because you are strangers to her.”

  She shook her head. “No, I get that, but, okay, take Allie for example. We haven’t spent that much time around her, but she still fits right in with us. She’s comfortable being around us and interacting with us.”