Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Chapter 49

  When he opened his eyes the first thing he noticed was the bright Hunter’s Moon glowering down at him. It seemed to disapprove of his awakening, questioning that he could still be alive. He wondered the same thing and looked away from its judgmental glow. Instead, he looked at the stars, so bright and vibrant in the country sky. And there were so many of them. What secrets did they hold? What else was out there?

  The pain came back slowly, taunting him as it took shape, spreading through every inch of his body. He felt like he’d been hit by a bus. If one of his enemies were to approach, he’d be done for. No question. Just as he had the thought, a shadow loomed over him.

  He glanced up and saw Carter’s face, staring down at him with even more judgment than the moon. Bert made a point of ignoring him. With a groan, he forced himself to a sitting position and looked around. The battle was over.

  Hunter lay on the ground a short way away, naked and human, though snoring like a bear. Neil sat with his legs crossed, putting a lot of effort into looking nonchalant. Simon and Jim sat with their backs against one another, holding each other up. Kevin was sprawled out with his hands behind his head, staring up at the stars. Robert stood with his arms crossed, scowling at the many members of the Hand who were scouring the battlefield.

  Bert turned to where Lilith lay. But she was gone. His heart started racing and he whipped his head around, scanning the whole meadow for any sign of her. She was nowhere to be found. He tried to remember those last moments, sure he’d seen her lying on the ground just before the gateway closed. Where had she gone? Had someone pulled her through? Had she escaped?

  “Sharp, did you see what happened to Lilith?” he asked.

  “No,” Sharp replied. “I didn’t. She’s gone, though.”

  “For how long?”

  “I’m not positive. I noticed she was gone shortly after you passed out.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  “Ten minutes or so.”

  “Has Carter been standing over me the whole time?”

  “Only for the last five minutes or so.”

  Bert tried to rise and hissed as sharp pains shot through his body. He ignored them, but couldn’t find the strength to get back on his feet. He was too weak. With a sigh, he let himself drop back to the ground and found himself staring up at Carter once again.

  “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time, Waylon,” Carter said, grinning.

  “Oh?” Bert said, raising an eyebrow. “Did that stick finally wiggle its way out of your ass?”

  Ignoring the comment, Carter said, “Waylon Drake, you’re under arrest. Your friends too.”

  “So, I guess that’s a ‘no’ on the stick thing?” Bert said, too tired to argue.

  Before the conversation could continue, Ozark bounded over to them. Carter took a step back and assumed a defensive posture. The other nearby Hand wizards did the same, terrified by the amazing power of the behemoth rock troll.

  “Waylon Drake!” Ozark bellowed with a hearty chuckle. “This was the most fun I’ve had in a thousand years! You stayed true to your word and have proven yourself honorable. You are the first among your squishy little species to earn the right to call me friend. You may be weak, and crunchy, but you have stones the size of mountains. You may call upon me anytime you have need, Moonshine Wizard.”

  Bert wished he had a camera. The look on Carter’s face was priceless. His eyes opened so wide, Bert expected them to tumble right out of their sockets, and if his jaw hung open any lower, he’d have to carry it. His face was a billboard of disbelief, and the other Hand wizards were no less surprised.

  Bert grinned at Carter then turned back to Ozark. “Thanks, big guy. My friends call me Bert. Since we’re friends, you’re welcome to call me that too.”

  “Bert,” Ozark repeated. “I like Moonshine Wizard better.”

  “That’s fine by me,” Bert replied, glancing at Carter again, trying to savor the horror on his face at the thought of Bert and the troll being pals.

  Then he passed out again.

  Chapter 50

  Bert awoke in a strange bed located in a strange room. Dim candlelight flickered against dark stone walls. How had he gotten here? It slowly came back to him. The battle, the dark wizards, Lilith… His heart ached as he remembered how he’d lost her. But none of it told him how he’d ended up here. Wherever here was. The last thing he remembered was speaking to Ozark and then passing out.

  He forced himself to a sitting position and realized that much of his body was wrapped in gauze and medical tape. Despite that, he felt pretty good, actually.

  He glanced around the room, noting immediately that the stone walls were windowless. A moment later, he realized there wasn’t a door either. Just the bed he lay in and a table full of medical supplies. What the hell?

  He was dressed in itchy gray pants and a black t-shirt. At least they’d dressed him half right.

  He moved his feet over the side of the bed and stood, surprised by the lack of pain. He was certainly stiff and there was some soreness, but nothing like he remembered. How long had he been here? And how the hell did he get out?

  He didn’t. The thought struck him like an arrow to the heart. He knew why he was here. He knew why there wasn’t a door. He felt a shiver run down his spine as the fear worming its way through his guts blossomed.

  A figure materialized near the table, softly humming to himself, as though he were unaware of Bert’s presence. He didn’t recognize the man. He was tall and inhumanly thin, with brunette hair hanging to his waist that would’ve been the envy of any shampoo model. His features were delicate, and Bert wasn’t one hundred percent sure he was, in fact, a male. The strangest of the newcomer’s features were his long pointed ears.

  The man made a surprised yelp and jumped, finally noticing Bert standing beside the bed.

  Bert raised an eyebrow and said, “Hi there.”

  “I do apologize,” the man replied, his voice a high-pitched screech. “You gave me a bit of a row! I didn’t know you were awake.”

  “Um, who are you?”

  “Me?” the man asked, pointing at his chest as though there were anyone else in the room. “Why, I’m your doctor, of course. Who else should I be?”

  Bert knew he had more important questions but couldn’t help himself. “Are you an elf?”

  The doctor paused for a moment and said, “I prefer the term elve.”

  “Is that a real word?” Bert asked, raising his eyebrow again.

  “Well, no, not so much,” the doctor admitted. “But I prefer it just the same.”

  When he didn’t continue, Bert asked, “Why? What’s wrong with elf?”

  “It’s misleading,” the man huffed. “I don’t like being lumped in with those little treemongers.”

  “I’m confused,” Bert said, shaking his head. “You mean like the Keebler elves?”

  “Yes!” the doctor replied, scowling. “Short little busy bodies. We are more dignified, thus my reasoning for the delineation. Those little mishaps of creation don’t deserve to share a name with us.”

  “So, what’s the plural form of elve?”

  “Elves.”

  “So, what’s the plural form of elf?”

  “Elves,” the doctor said, squinting his eyes in defiance. “Look, I know it’s not a perfect system. I’m still working that part out.”

  “Fair enough,” Bert agreed. “So, your people don’t live in trees?”

  “Well, I don’t,” he said in a dignified tone. Then he cut his eyes at Bert. “But yes, I’m from a species of forest elves who did live in trees at one point. Some still do.”

  “So…”

  “They’re only three feet tall! Not the same!”

  Bert put his hands up apologetically. “Okay, got it. You’re an elve.”

  The elve doctor sighed and said, “My apologies. I’m not usually this uppity.”

  “No worries,” Bert replied. “Listen, can you tell me
where I am?”

  The doctor’s eyes lit up and he said, “Oh, right! They’ll want to know you’re awake!”

  He disappeared without another word, and Bert was left alone to wait.

  He didn’t have to wait long. A few seconds after the doctor disappeared, four wizards in matching brown robes appeared around him. Each carried a staff and looked mean as hell.

  “You need to come with us,” one of them said in a scratchy voice.

  “Where are we going?” Bert asked.

  “You don’t know?” the man replied, a humorous grin spreading across his lips. Bert shook his head and the man clasped his shoulder with an iron grip. “We’re taking you to your trial.”

  Then they teleported him away.

  ***

  They reappeared in a dimly lit corridor. The walls were made of the same dark stone as his hospital room and he surmised he was still in the same building. Wherever that hell that was. Torches lined the walls, casting an ominous glow throughout the hall.

  His guards ushered him forward, two in front and two behind.

  Eventually they came to a small room, and he wondered why the hell they didn’t just teleport him straight there. Perhaps the walking really helped with the ambience. Or maybe they had step count goals.

  They led him inside and he was surprised to find his friends waiting for him there. They were seated on a long bench and his guards ordered him to do the same. When he sat, they ordered him to wait, and left the room.

  As soon as they were gone, Jim leaned forward and said, “Bert! You’re all right!”

  “What the hell is going on?” he asked. “I just woke up. I think I’ve been out since the battle.”

  “That’s why we were worried,” Neil said. “We saw you go down, but no one would tell us anything.”

  “It’s been three days,” Kevin said, scowling. “Three days and the pricks wouldn’t tell us anything.”

  “Three days,” he repeated, shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you guys know where we are?”

  “We’re in jail,” Hunter replied, shrugging.

  “And we don’t know where,” Robert said, crossing his arms. “We haven’t been allowed any contact with the outside world. My wife probably thinks I’ve run off at this point.”

  Bert glanced at each of them, noting their unease. “Do you know what they’ve charged us with?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Robert said with a harsh laugh. “Hand of Magic court isn’t like court in the real world, Bert. Don’t expect a fair trial. It’s a kangaroo court. They decided we were guilty before they even brought us in. This is just a formality, and they still have to sentence us.”

  Before they could continue, a door appeared on the wall and a brown-robed wizard stepped through. “Gentlemen, follow me.”

  Along with his friends, Bert stood and followed the wizard. There wasn’t anything else they could do.

  He led them into a large chamber which clearly served as the court room. In function, it didn’t appear all that different from a normal court room. There was a stand, a table for the defendants, and seating for a large audience. Aesthetically, it was quite different. Everything in the room was made of dark stone, like they were holding court in a medieval dungeon. Eccentric ass wizards, Bert thought as their captor led them toward their table.

  Instead of a bailiff, or police officers, brown-robed wizards stood watch over the events. Also, instead of a single judge, three sat at the stand. On the left was an aged balding man with a scowl that indicated he was either in a foul mood, or someone had just farted. On the right was an aged man who wore a similar, ‘I haven’t pooped today’ scowl. In the middle sat a large woman with a bowl cut straight out of the nineties. Her scowl put the other two to shame, like she was enduring a harsh bout of constipation. It occurred to Bert that perhaps this might go better if they sent someone to fetch some prunes and called for a thirty minute recess.

  Robert nudged Bert and leaned in. “That woman is our Regional Wizard Commander.”

  Bert didn’t respond, unease growing in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps he was the one who needed to have bowel release. Until this moment, it hadn’t really dawned on him just how much trouble he was in. Sure, on some level he’d known it wasn’t good, but to have the Regional Wizard Commander overseeing his trial… That was terrifying.

  The audience seemed to be comprised of mostly other wizards, though there were few he recognized. He spotted Carter, Larry, and Barry almost immediately. Those three assholes had front row seats. Hell, they’d probably shown up early just to make sure. Larry and Barry were whisper-laughing to each other and playing grab ass, per usual. Carter was silent, but smiling, his eyes on Bert.

  Arthur was there as well, but he’d opted to sit away from his co-workers. His solemn expression was the counterbalance to their good-humored assholery. Bert’s unease grew.

  Their guide led them to the defendant table and told them to sit. Bert and company did as commanded, passing furtive glances to one another as they scooched across the stone bench.

  The woman in the center spoke, her voice silencing the crowd. “My name is Wizard Commander Eichman. I am Ward over the Mid-South Region of the United States.”

  The balding man spoke next. “I am Fitzgerald, Commanding Missouri Judicial branch, serving under the Missouri Wizard Commander.”

  The gray-haired man introduced himself last. “I am Reynolds, Wizard Commander of Arkansas.”

  There was a momentary pause after introductions, then Eichman continued, “As the Regional Wizard Commander, I have selected this panel to assess the allegations made against the accused, and to render judgment thereafter. The accused will now stand and state their names for the record.”

  Bert and his friends rose, again glancing toward one another. He’d never been in this type of situation before and he really wasn’t sure how to proceed. Apparently, none of his friends did either, and for several seconds, the court room was silent. Finally, Bert said, “Uh, my name is Waylon Drake, um, Commander of nothing and, uh, wizard on trial.”

  Eichman glared at him and said, “Just your names will suffice.”

  The other guys stated their names and the Regional Wizard Commander continued, “Do you have any questions pertaining to this process before we begin?”

  Bert raised his hand.

  “What?” she asked, scowling at him.

  “Do we get a lawyer? Or some kind of representation?”

  “This isn’t regular human court,” she said, sighing impatiently. “However, yes, a volunteer has come forth to represent you through these proceedings. We will call him out shortly.”

  “Great, thank you,” Bert said, then realizing he had another question, raised his hand again.

  “What?” she asked, crossing her arms. Clearly she wanted to get this show on the road.

  “Uh, sorry,” Bert said. “I’m not trying to wear on your nerves, but I’ve never been to one of these before.”

  “What’s your question?”

  “Um, can you tell me what we’ve been charged with?”

  “You don’t know?” she asked, chuckling menacingly. The crowd followed suit.

  Bert felt his face flush. “No, Eichman, I don’t. The last thing I remember was a bunch of assholes trying to kill me. Then I woke up here and was ushered immediately to this room. I have no idea what’s going on.”

  “First of all, Waylon,” she said, her voice trembling with contained rage. “You will refer to me as Regional Wizard Commander. Secondly, you will not curse in my court room again. And last, if you’ll be patient we’ll get to the charges momentarily. It is part of the process.”

  Again, chuckles arose from the crowd.

  “Well, how am I supposed to know that?” Bert asked.

  Beside him, Robert put his hands over his face and shook his head.

  Eichman said, “We are moving on. If there are no more questions...”

  Bert raised his hand again.

  She stared at h
im in lasting silence. After several seconds, it occurred to Bert that she was actually waiting on him to spew forth his question. He said, “You said someone is representing us. Who?”

  “Again, if you would show a modicum of patience, it will be explained.”

  “Regional Wizard Commander,” Bert said, trying to keep his tone even and respectful. “You said if we had questions regarding the process, this was the time to ask them. I’m just trying to understand.”

  “Waylon, your attitude is insufferable. I’ll not tolerate it any further. Do you understand that?”

  “No, I don’t,” he said, shrugging. “I’m not trying to be insufferable. I’m the one on trial here and no one has even told me what for. Or who’s representing us. Or how the process works.”

  There was a long pause, and Eichman said, “You will be silent now, Mr. Drake. We’re moving forward.”

  Bert nodded and stared at the floor, taking in several slow breaths to help control his temper.

  “Now, then,” Eichman said, “Representing you is—”

  “Sup dawgs?!” Falcon’s voice said as he approached the bench.

  Bert glanced up and felt a smile at the corners of his mouth. “You're representing us?”

  “Of course, dawg,” Falcon said, as though it should’ve been obvious.

  The Regional Wizard Commander cleared her throat, and they turned their attention back to her as Falcon moved to stand beside Bert.

  Eichman said, “Neil, Jim, Hunter, and Kevin. You have been charged with the following… Aiding and abetting a rogue wizard, failing to inform the local Authority Having Jurisdiction of a mage engaged in criminal activity, and the endangerment of lay civilians as a result of failing to communicate the previous transgressions.”

  “Robert, you are charged with the same crimes, but as a veteran of the Hand’s military you will receive additional consideration for penalty, pursuant to the clearly defined expectations regarding the behavior of former Hand of Magic Staff. Additionally, you are being charged with insubordination and directly defying the orders of your Regional Wizard Commander, who, as you may remember, told you not to engage the enemy.”