by Melody Dodds
else.
JOHNNIE
comes to get me.
In his
dead brother’s
car.
(Why does this
just hit me
now?)
You’re a mess,
he says.
Help me!
Well…
you’re going
to see your Gramma,
right?
To get more pills?
I CAN’T GO LIKE THIS!
HELP ME!
RELAX!
I just want to make sure
because
I’ve only got
a few left.
Everyone is dry
right now.
That’s how come
I sold all yours
so fast.
ALL!?
HOW COULD YOU SELL ALL
IF YOU—
CALM DOWN.
How many do you need?
I mean
really
need.
To take the edge off?
I dunno, like four?
He gives me
four
little pills.
As soon as
I
*see*
them,
I
feel
better.
BETTER
I try to grind
two of
them up
but I’m shaking
too much.
Johnnie
has to
do it
for me.
I’m quitting after this,
I tell him.
Okay, he says.
Here.
I snort them.
It’s like
coming back
from
being dead.
No pain,
no sniffles.
Give me the other two!
Why don’t we wait?
I don’t have many left.
That should get you
to your Gramma’s.
I have to spend,
like,
some time
there.
How much time?
You said she’s sick.
I at least
have to make her
some soup!
We stop
at Hannaford
and I buy
some
canned soup.
I also get
some cold medicine,
and these
chewy caramel candies
that she likes.
But when we get there,
Gramma
won’t let me in.
DEAD
I mean,
she answers
the door.
But she says,
No, don’t make a fuss.
Is that your little friend there in the car?
Don’t make him wait.
I can put soup
on the stove
for myself.
Thank you
so much
for thinking of me,
sweetie!
I feel like scum.
I give her a hug,
looking around
the living room
as I do.
I ask her,
(try to make it
sound like a joke),
Got any more drugs
you need me to get rid of
for you?
Oh,
I’ve been meaning
to tell you!
I’m so glad
you took those away.
It made me really
gather up my courage
and tell my doctor that
I needed
something different.
OH
And you know what?
NO
He gave me
something different!
OH
Something
just
for arthritis.
Humira.
It’s
not
even
a pain pill.
GOD
It’s some kind of
“blocking something.”
I don’t know
exactly.
But it works
much better—
it actually
does something.
I’M
And
it’s
not
addictive.
DEAD
BETTER OFF DEAD
Johnnie punches
the steering wheel
about
a hundred
times.
crashing
His hands go to his neck,
his arms,
itching
his chest,
his face.
scratching
He punches
the driver’s window
and the radio
and the rearview.
glass shards
He tells me,
All
I
can
get
now
is
heroin.
needle pricks
He takes me
by both shoulders
every muscle aching
and he shakes me
and yells
right in my face:
Why’d you lie
to me?
And he shakes
me some more
and my head
smacks
the passenger
window.
head feels like it’s breaking
Again
and
again
until I haul off
and punch him in the face.
I
punch
my
boyfriend
in
the
face.
splitting right in two
And I tell him:
Touch me again,
see what happens!
nothing to do
except get out of the car.
STUMBLING HOME
Shaking.
Sniffling.
Aching.
Crying.
Dying.
Missing Leo.
Want to blame him,
blame anyone!
Leo!
LEO
Oxys!
Under his
mattress.
Are they
worth the risk
even though
I know
they’re street drugs
and dangerous…?
I stand
tiptoed
on the trash can,
shimmy in
to a nightmare.
MIA
Young girl,
14,
passed out,
not a dream.
Leo’s bed.
Is she
dead?
Scream
ScReAm!
SCREAM!!!
NO, MIA
Just sleeping.
Now
awake.
Startled
but not
crying or
shaking.
I take a close look at her.
She doesn’t
look stoned.
But
in her hand
is a round,
brown
bottle.
And my moment
of
worry
sorrow
guilt
gone.
THOSE ARE MINE!
They’re Leo’s.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
Well, they were Leo’s.
They’re mine now.
I fly
at her,
throw her
on the ground,
pry the bottle
from her hand.
ARE YOU INSANE!!!
ARE YOU STUPID?
I WILL KILL YOU!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
I
WILL
MURDER
FOR
THIS
DRUG!
I struggle the bottle open.
There are
only
two.
Were there
more
before?
I need to wait.
Until I
can’t wait
one
second
longer.
I look
at Mia
once more.
What
are you doing here?
I just
wanted
to try it.
She’s
so
calm.
I lunge
at her
again,
grab
her by the
shoulders
and shake her
the way
Johnnie
shook me.
I just spent
literally
my whole day
trying
to find Oxy!
I tried
to steal
from my stepfather.
I blew off
and lied to
my best friend.
I was ready
to break into
my grandmother’s
house!
I
punched
my
boyfriend
in
the
face.
I’m a
stinking
sweating
sniffling
shivering
MESS.
Tomorrow?
Will be
the same
all over
again.
I glare
into
Mia’s
dull eyes.
She grins
stupidly.
Says to me,
You
made
it seem
so
cool.
I say
to her
the most honest thing
I’ve said
to anyone
since I started
Oxy:
You picked a bad hero.
MY SCREAM
was a siren.
First responder
is Rupert.
SPEAK TO ME
An accident,
but no ambulance.
Rupert knows
who to call.
Calls who needs to know.
Mia is waiting.
I’m pacing—
itchy, angry,
heart racing.
Mia’s relaxed.
Me, I’m like a cat
on a hot tin roof.
Like a
hacker
who’s been caught
and can’t run
any faster.
Finally,
I drop
next to Mia
and just plain
ask her
to please explain
why
my
sister
hates me
soooo
much.
And
to my surprise
she does.
ALL THAT
I’ve been
sad about,
Isabella
has been
sad about, too.
Isabella talked
to Mia.
I kept silent,
tried to hide it…
Everyone is gone.
Mom
Rupert
Leo…
But where
on my list
I have
Mrs. Schiller—
who read to us,
talked to us,
took us seriously,
protected me,
counseled me,
then disappeared—
Isabella is angry
with me.
THE WORST PART
The part that
*stings*
most of all
is when Mia says,
through
half-closed eyes,
I think
Isabella started to hate you
when you stopped reading to her.
This makes me feel
like the biggest
failure
ever.
Well.
That is,
until…
WITHDRAWAL
Bone crushing.
Just
Muscle tearing.
one
Teeth grinding.
pill
PLEASE!!!
Like
the worst
flu
I’ve ever had
in my life,
times 1,000.
I want to die.
COLD TURKEY
is what Rupert
calls it.
diarrhea
vomit
sweat
Imodium
Dramamine
Tagamet
He’s helping me
get clean.
headache
runny nose
body ache
body shakes
ibuprofen
Benadryl
valerian root
NyQuil
Just like
THIRSTY!
Gatorade
THIRSTY!
grapefruit juice
THIRSTY!
lemonade
THIRSTY!
broth and soup
he had to.
DAY FOUR
I
kinda, sorta
want to eat
something.
Rupert
makes me
peanut butter
on white bread.
He cuts it
into
nine pieces.
I take
three hours
to eat it.
I don’t throw it up.
COOL RUPERT
tells me
to move to the couch
while he puts my sheets and blankets
in the coin laundry
in the basement.
When he comes back up
he sits next to me
and says,
Listen:
Not everything
will be perfect
just because
you stopped using,
You need to be strong
enough to deal.
And then,
you need to be
even stronger.
Because
you’re
an addict,
Charlotte.
Not using
is not the same
as not being
an addict.
People will always
disappoint
you and
be difficult.
Your mom and I
will sometimes disappoint you
and be difficult.
Because
we want what’s best for you.
And we do know best,
even if you think we don’t.
And your mom
will sometimes disappoint you
in order to
put food on the table
and keep the lights on.
Sometimes,
that’s what love
looks like,
kiddo.
DAY FIVE
Isabella
comes creeping in…
she has been staying
in Leo’s room.
I’ve heard t
hem playing—
her and Mia—
board games and music
and talking.
Thinking, I don’t know,
that I can’t hear.
She must think
I’m asleep
because
she pulls a chair up
next to my bed.
So I pretend.
I lie still, breath slow
to see
what it is she wants.
What it is she’ll do.
What she does is:
read
to me.
DAY SEVEN
Alexis!
I’m embarrassed.
Thank God
I’m not asleep.
I don’t stink.
I’m not puking.
She looks like
I broke
her heart.
Seeing it
just about
breaks mine.
She says:
I don’t know everything.
I just know you took a
wrong
turn.
But now you
re-routed.
You’re back
on the map.
She gives me
a big bear hug.
Welcome back.
CARD
Alexis tells me
she’s got
a card
for me.
Mizz Jordan
gave them
to everyone
in the class.
Only they’re not from
Mizz Jordan.
They’re from
Mrs. Schiller.
She mailed them
all in one big envelope
addressed
to the school.
She gave us each
the title
of a book to read,
Alexis tells me.
And her email!
She says she wants reports.
We laugh.
Which feels good,
feels great!
She moved to North Carolina,
Alexis says.
Her mother
had a hip replacement.
Mrs. Schiller
went down
to help her out,
and ended up
getting a job
just before
school started.
I wonder why
no one told us.
Why we had to
make up fiction
to fill the space
she left.
After Alexis leaves
I open
Mrs. Schiller’s card.
But her card to me
doesn’t have
the title
of a book to read.
It has
a whole list of them.
COLD MOM
You’re grounded, she tells me.
Until further notice.
Alexis can visit
but no one else.
You can go to Gramma’s
but nowhere else.
I wanted to take
