If Heaven Had Cheese Fries

by Stephanie Staudinger

  “Bailey.” I repeated. I had asked him right before he made an excuse to slip away.

  “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

  I twisted the glass cup back and forth between my hands, watching the frost melt away. It was Sunday evening, and the only other occupied table housed an elderly couple who had started a card game with Mitch, the only server working. The satisfying shuffling of cards cut through the air until Ethan brought me back to reality.

  “So. I met her very early on when I started. Two lost souls, you could say.”

  “So you did things like this with her?” I couldn’t help it; the words were out before I could even stop them.

  “God, no. I’ve never done anything like this, and I hoped I never would do anything like this.” He grabbed my hands to stop me from spinning my mug. “You’re making me nervous with all that.”

  “Sorry.”

  “So,” he continued, “the school was between guidance counselors, and I stepped up to the plate. She doesn’t have her parents around--the circumstances surrounding that don’t need to be divulged. I helped her work out her anger by getting involved in the school.” He let out a deep breath. We both knew she took that farther than anticipated.

  “But she took her role in the school a little too seriously.” He was quiet for a moment, recalling everything over the past year. “But she looks out for this school the way I look out for her. I guess she kind of does the same for me now, too.”

  “So about that time you saw me in the office...” I was ready to be open and transparent, at least about most aspects of my time at the school.

  “I know why you were there.” He cut me off.

  “You do?” I squeezed his hand, a peace offering as if to say I meant no harm.

  “It was because of me. I didn’t want to win the nomination, not in the slightest.”

  I was still surprised, since I figured it was an honor to know you’re loved by that many people. Maybe Bailey did know him better than me.

  “No. I mean it’s great that people think that highly of me, really it is. But, I don’t do it for the show. That’s not my purpose. I’m just a teacher doing his job, which is to keep you kiddos safe.”

  That was something I could respect — a purpose with no reward.

  “The recognition dinner is also the anniversary of Olivia’s death.”

  I didn’t tell him Bailey had already divulged that much.

  “That would be rough.” I mulled over just how hard it would be for him to be recognized for his accomplishments on the one day that reminded him that his good wasn’t good enough to keep the most important person in his life safe. “So how come you didn’t just switch the ballots yourself?”

  Ethan laughed, a loud and dry laugh. “I guess in the end I realized it couldn’t hurt. Just the fact that there were students looking out for me was enough. Even the ones who wanted to risk suspension to do so.” He narrowed his eyes at me in a playful way.

  I focused my attention on the window clings, which were flamingos disguised as snowmen. Beyond them, three cars were the only distraction from the winter scene in the parking lot.

  I didn’t have any more words, and neither did he.

  Mitch approached, placing a skillet of cheese fries between us. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “These are almost too pretty to eat.” I nodded towards the perfect drizzle of sour cream across the top.

  Mitch laughed, “I’ll send my compliments to the chef, which is me tonight. I’m the chef.”

  “Hey, coming from her, it’s a compliment. She’s a bit of a cheese fry connoisseur,” Ethan chimed in.

  Mitch gave us a small bow before heading back towards the card game in the corner.

  “I wouldn’t say connoisseur,” I corrected him.

  “What did you say that first day?” He blew on a fry as he recalled the memory. “Something about only heaven’s being better than the school’s.”

  “Something like that.” I helped myself to a small portion on my plate. “God, that was so long ago.”

  “Can I be honest?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “I saw something you in that very first day. I know admitting that probably makes me sound like some sort of creep that preys on new students. But, there was just something about you. Something different. You were so full of life and optimism, still are.” He avoided my gaze and I knew he hated having to say those things under these circumstances.

  “Well.” I tried to come up with the words which encompassed that first day. “If I’m being honest with you--”

  Ethan cut me off with a quick motion of his hand. The soft jingle of bells indicated new customers were entering the restaurant. I turned to face whoever had entered, fear gripping my body as it did with each encounter I’d had with Ethan thus far. There was always the chance that someone could catch onto whatever we had and it’d all be over. Not to mention that his career and my ability to fly under the radar for a few more weeks would be destroyed. It was a reality I didn’t want to face.

  I locked eyes with the man who entered. He looked to be a few years older than me, with olive skin and dark curls which ended right around his ears. He was wearing some sort of leather jacket. I couldn’t help but notice he had given up after the second button and his brown boots were untied. The eye contact ended as he and the tall pretty stranger he was with slid into a booth in the row next to us.

  “They don’t look familiar, right?” Ethan asked apprehensively.

  “No.” I shook my head before helping myself to a French fry which had just started to get soggy underneath the weight of the nacho cheese. “Not in the slightest,” I added for good measure to help calm his nerves.

  “Good.” We finished our cheese fries and got ready to go. I bent over to dig my coat out from under the table where it had fallen, while Ethan studied the check.

  When I straightened up, the man with the olive skin was standing right there.

  “Um. Hi?” I looked over at Ethan, who seemed calm. He gave the stranger a head nod and went back to studying the check. I could see that the tips of his ears, however, were starting to redden.

  “Do I know you?” the stranger asked.

  “I don’t think so,” I shot back almost immediately. “I’m not from here and don’t come this way very often.” I stopped myself from rambling any further.

  Ethan excused himself to pay the bill, putting distance between us. If things were to go south I knew he’d be waiting for me near the parking lot. It was a plan we had worked out ahead of time.

  “It’s just...Your eyes look really familiar.” The girl at his table was now standing up, unable to decide if she should come over or stay put.

  I felt uncomfortable. I had never been approached before by someone who had such an unnerving gaze, as if he could see right through me and into who I really was.

  “I don’t--” I stopped to zip up my coat quickly. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m not who you’re looking for.”

  He was blocking the row which led to the exit.

  “Come on, Sam, come back to the table.” The girl had appeared, placing her hand gently on his shoulder as she steered him away.

  I walked as fast as I could without running. When I reached the door, I turned around one last time to look at them. They were both standing near their table, staring at me.

  I had barely made it to the doors of Ethan’s Jeep when I collapsed, and he was there to catch me.

  “What the hell happened in there? Are you okay?” he asked when he was finally able to get me to take deep breaths between my sobs.

  When I was sitting safely on the curb, blocked from the terrifying world by Ethan’s jeep, I allowed myself to look around. Ethan was pacing. “That’s it, I’m going back in there to talk to that guy that upset you.”

  “No,” I yelled more forcefully than I had intended. I stopped to wipe away my tears. When I had composed myself I patted the spot on the curb next to me. “Sit. Let me explain.”<
br />
  He did so willingly, placing a hand on my knee.

  “It’s not anything anyone did as to why I’m like this. I just get these thoughts that things in my life are repeating from the past, but I can’t remember why, or what any of it means.” He was silent as he processed what I said, or perhaps he was processing the fact that I was crazy.

  “I know it doesn’t make sense,” I added. There wasn’t much more I could tell him.

  “I understand. I’ve repressed so many things that, when they start coming back, it’s almost too much to handle. Is that what you’re feeling like?”

  I shrugged.

  “Abigail. Did something bad happen to you?”

  There it was again, another opportunity to tell him everything. “No. Nothing like that. It’s just another bad case of déjà vu.”

  “I get that.” He pulled me in closer and we sat there for a while, ignoring the freezing temperature around us.

  We were two people broken in two completely different ways. What I failed to realize, however, was that inside the restaurant was another broken person who had just stared into the eyes of a girl he once loved.

  CHAPTER 31

  “Keep your eyes closed.” My dad was holding both my hands out in front of me, directing me towards his room.

  “They are. I can’t see.” I laughed as Burt weaved in and out of our legs. “You’re going to make me fall, Burt!”

  “And open them!” Dad exclaimed.

  We were standing in front of the antique wooden doors that led to his walk-in closet. An area of the house that I’m fairly certain my dad spent hardly any time in, seeing as how he had a core group of five button-up shirts through which he rotated each week. I took a deep breath in as he pushed open the doors, the light of the morning sun shining in.

  There in the middle of the room, standing tall on a mannequin, was a dress that captured all of the light as if it were an integral part of the dress itself.

  “Oh my God.” I stepped forward, running my hands down its intricate sides. It was a floor-length ball gown, royal blue in color. It was completely covered in lace. The dress puffed out slightly at the bottom in various satin layers. They were soft to the touch. If you squinted close enough, you could see the specks of glitter mixed in.

  “Was this Mom’s?” My voice was barely a whisper for fear of breaking the magic spell the dress seemed to hold.

  “It was. You’ve been doing so well in school that I wanted to do something nice.”

  “Nice” was an understatement. I could recall a photo album of Mom and Dad on the night of the dance. Various poses that all captured the love they had for each other and the promise in their faces of a bright future. Mom was wearing this dress, except that after she wore it had undergone some modern changes. For one, the turtleneck was gone.

  “Is this for me?”

  “Well, I’m certainly not going to wear it.” Dad chuckled as he began to take the dress off the mannequin, his fingers working with a delicateness that showed just how much the dress meant to him. He handed it over.

  “I just wanted you to have it before you went out and bought something for the dance this weekend.”

  “You know me so well.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  The dance was the following night, December 13.

  I knew in my heart that if I could stop the project from being released, I could ease the tensions and stop the shooting. It was all I had to go on, but something told me I was moving in the right direction.

  As I drove to school, the images flooded into my mind from the nightmares I had been having. I saw Bailey standing there with a gun, the flames engulfing the school which she could no longer protect. I saw Matt sneering as he pointed the gun at me as I tried to flee. I saw Chase, dressed in all black as he hid around corners. I shuddered. There were too many uncertainties.

  Would Ethan jump in front of a student to save them?

  The tapping on my window jolted me from my thoughts. I had barely realized that I made it to school. Alyssa and Noah were back and already waiting for me.

  “What’s up?” I asked, slipping my backpack over my shoulder as I joined them near the bike rack where Noah was locking up his Huffy. He was rubbing his knee, most likely the result of an icy fall.

  “We’ve gotta run for a meeting with Mrs. Beasley about failing our history test.” Alyssa rolled her eyes dramatically. “Just wanted to make sure you still wanted to meet up before the dance tomorrow.”

  “Unless you’re too cool, with Winter Formal court stuff and becoming Matt’s queen,” Noah interjected.

  “Absolutely, and absolutely not. Y’all are the ones who voted me into the mess.”

  “I didn’t vote for you.” Noah shrugged. I had yet to learn when he was being sarcastic. He and Alyssa were already walking towards the double doors that led into school and to the history teacher who would be deciding their fate.

  I was about to follow them in when Claire caught my eye. The bell was going to ring any minute, and she was sitting under a tree. Her head was buried in her knees, which she had drawn close to her chest.

  I approached her cautiously, since it had been a while since we had talked. I heard her sniffles before she heard my footsteps. When she looked up, she didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was crying.

  I scooted over a small pile of used Kleenex and took a seat next to her. “What’s wrong?”

  She blew her nose one more time, adding to the pile. “My future is crumbling. Actually, scratch that, it’s completely destroyed.” She sniffled again. “Fine, here it is.”

  She thrusted a crumpled up piece of paper towards me as if I had been pressuring her to see it--or perhaps all she had wanted all along was someone to ask to see it.

  I only had to read the first few sentences to figure out that it was a college rejection letter.

  “Hey, it’s okay.” I straightened out the wrinkles of the letter before handing it back to her. “What’s meant to be, will be. You applied for others, right?”

  She rubbed her nose, which had turned a deep shade of red. “Not really. A few community colleges, but I wanted to attend a university close by.”

  “Why not do a few semesters at a community college and then transfer when you’re ready?”

  “Because that makes me look like a failure. If I can’t even get into school to be a social worker, how am I ever going to be a good social worker?”

  “I didn’t know that’s what you were going for.” She had stopped crying now, a little bit of promise returning to her eyes. “That’s very noble of you,” I added.

  “Yeah. That’s what I thought too. Helping people has always been my passion.” Claire was full of surprises.

  “So what are you going to do?” I asked. Please don’t bring a gun to school, I silently pleaded.

  “I don’t know.” Her voice was quivering. “The video project is all for nothing now.”

  I raised my eyebrows at her, waiting for her to continue, but she remained silent.

  “Yes, that’s probably so.” I nodded reassuringly. “Can I ask why?”

  She shook her head no, focusing on picking up her tissues one at a time before shoving them back into her backpack.

  “What’s in the video?” I asked again. I was running out of time. The first bell had already rung, and she was packing up to leave. I grabbed onto her backpack, stopping her from leaving.

  “Fine. We’ve been working on a video. It’s a silly little thing, really.”

  “What kind of video?” I let go as we began walking towards school.

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

  Not a chance in hell. “No. There’s just quite a few of us who are curious. Matt has stuck the camera in my face on multiple occasions, and I’d like to know what I’m a part of.”

  “It’s not so much focused on you, really--maybe a few small parts. Matt just has the hots for you.”

  “Flattered,” I said, even though I was anything b
ut.

  Claire laughed. We were almost to homeroom when she turned to me. “I can’t say too much for fear that the school will shut down the project, although it’s pretty much a done deal.” She shrugged. “Cut Matt some slack. You know his dad is always putting pressure on him to be the next big filmmaker in their family. He needs this for his future.” Carly was waiting for her, and that was my cue to leave.

  I put what Claire had shared in the back of my head. It was a bit more info than what I’d originally had to work from. I didn’t expect any of them would be forthcoming with any more details until the project was completely finished.

  That’s why I was so surprised to see Claire running full speed towards me at the end of the day.

  “Wait, Abigail, wait.” I had just slipped into my car when I heard her screaming and saw her waving her hands around like a maniac. “Sorry!” she yelled at a car in the parking lot which had to slam on its brakes to avoid hitting her. “Sorry,” she said to me when the beeping from the car finally stopped. “I needed to catch you before you left.” She slipped into my car, buckling the seatbelt across her chest.

  “Um.” My hand hovered near the ignition, unsure of what was happening. “Can I help you?”

  “No, just drive.”

  She was lucky that I didn’t have a job or any real obligation after school, so I did what she asked, after texting my dad to tell him I’d be home a little later. Claire rolled down her window halfway, ignoring the fact that the heat was on and that the temperature that day was hovering around 30.

  She still hadn’t given me any sort of indication of where she wanted me to go, so I opted to drive down a nice street in town where Christmas decorations were their specialty.

  She was sticking her face out the window like a dog, only significantly less excited.

  “Are you okay?” I shot her a quick glance at a stop sign.

  “Fine. Just fine.” She answered immediately in a voice that was two octaves too high. “Good choice. I always thought these houses were pretty.” She gestured towards the row of massive houses dotted with wreaths and nativity sets.