If Heaven Had Cheese Fries

by Stephanie Staudinger

  “So, how’d you find this place?”

  He was picking at the corner of the menu, “By accident, actually. I stopped in for salt and vinegar chips when I first started teaching in town, and Justin told me to try the burritos instead.” He gestured at the gentleman behind the counter, who was still having a heated discussion on the phone. “Then he grumbled something about no one ever noticing the burrito sign, and the rest is history.”

  “I didn’t even see a sign.” I looked around.

  “Exactly. There isn’t one. Some of the greatest things in life are best kept secret.” I wanted to question if he was referring to us, but he had already turned away. I watched as he tossed a dollar coin into the tip jar and grabbed the bag of burritos, which smelled fantastic.

  Back outside, the snow had stopped falling. Whatever flakes had stuck to the ground were already starting to melt. It was comforting to know that not all snowy scenes were meant to last forever.

  “What are you thinking about?” He had stopped to look at me again, and I knew that the lost look must have once again crossed my face. I shook it away.

  “Where are we going?”

  He put his finger to his lips with a small smile as I followed him. We were walking away from what appeared to be the downtown area of the town, burritos in hand. We passed a few rows of empty softball fields. There wasn’t another soul in sight. Ethan guided me through a path which winded through rows of trees.

  “You’re lucky I’m a trusting person,” I finally said to break the silence.

  Ethan laughed as he continued to walk ahead. “And you’re lucky I’m trustworthy. This will be worth it.”

  We crossed a bridge over a river. The water wasn’t completely frozen yet but I knew in time it would be. We finally came to a small clearing with several miscellaneous benches and picnic tables set up. A small fire pit, clearly out of use for the foreseeable future, was in the middle.

  We sat down at a picnic table near the edge, and Ethan pushed a burrito towards me.

  “What is this place?” I looked around. There were even twinkling lights strung from the trees and a few twisted wind chimes.

  “I used to come here all the time.” He was unwrapping his burrito. The crinkling of the paper was the only sound to offset the stillness of the sparse woods. “I actually did student teaching at a Catholic high school about five minutes away. The school recently shut down-- not enough enrollment, so this area sits untouched.”

  I nodded. Upon further inspection, I noticed things that I hadn’t at first glance. The fire pit was rusted and the benches hadn’t been painted in years. Typically it would have had an eerie feel, but with Ethan it just felt right.

  We ate our burritos in silence for the most part. Ethan kept raising his eyebrows at me every chance he got, urging me to share my thoughts on whether or not I found them just as great as he did.

  “Okay.” I finished my burrito, popping a mint into my mouth to kill the taste of onions before offering him one. “That was actually really good.”

  His face widened into a grin, “Gas station burritos,” he stated matter-of-factly.

  “Gas station burritos,” I repeated. “Who would have thought?”

  We were silent again. I heard a crack of sticks as if someone were approaching. It was just a bunny, which hopped through the clearing a moment later, leaving footprints in what was left of the snow.

  “So why are we actually here?” I studied him and I saw it again, the dark flash of pain that quickly crossed his face. I wondered if it was the same look that he frequently picked up on from me when I was lost in my own world and thoughts.

  “I can’t stop thinking about what you said that night on the Ferris wheel.” His hands were folded across the bench, and I wanted nothing more than to just hold them. “And about you.”

  He gave the deep sigh of someone who had been holding so much inside. The fall carnival was several weeks ago, but I still thought back to that night frequently. It was the night where I realized that I was wholeheartedly falling for someone, which was the one thing that was not part of the plan.

  He was the one who reached out and grabbed my hand first. I squeezed back, letting him know I was there.

  “I am your teacher, though. I would never do anything to jeopardize your future, because the one ahead of you is bright.”

  A dry laugh escaped my lips.

  “I’m serious. Your writing. Your dedication. Your passion for making this school a better place and the people in it better is heartwarming. I’m not the only one who sees it.”

  I didn’t think I was doing a very good job, but apparently I was. Maybe Glen was right after all. Maybe I could do this.

  “I appreciate that, honestly. I haven’t had the easiest time.” I felt myself opening up. “Half the time, I’m not even sure who I’m supposed to be or what my next steps are.”

  “Honestly, normal for your age. You’re eighteen, you have your whole life ahead of you.” I didn’t laugh this time. Instead I gave him a genuine smile. For the first time in my life, I felt myself beginning to believe it.

  “So what about you?” I gripped his hands a little tighter as I asked, nervous of how far to push the boundaries of this intimate moment and this conversation. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m okay,” he said after a brief pause. “It’s been a rough two years since. Just when you think you get used to not hearing her feet pattering down the hallway every morning or her soft voice asking for you to clip a barrette in her hair, something else comes around to knock you back down. I didn’t realize this divorce being finalized a few months ago would bring just about every repressed memory back.”

  Instinctively, I pulled my hands away. Ethan didn’t seem to notice; he was back in that broken place that his thoughts always seemed to take him to.

  “We’ve been separated ever since the accident. Something I initially regretted, thinking it would be so much easier going through it all with someone as equally as damaged as me, but sadly that wasn’t how it worked out.”

  I stood up and walked over to his side of the table. Just like that time at the grave, I did the only thing that felt right. I leaned my head onto his shoulder. This time, he lifted his arm around me and gripped me close. I shut my eyes and just took in the moment of being so close to him, not just physically.

  “She blamed me every day. She’s never stopped blaming me.” His voice was bitter now, almost unrecognizable as his own. “’If only you would have put that toy on top. It’s your fault that you stayed behind to work. You should have been driving. You said you’d get the tires rotated.’”

  I finally realized what he was talking about earlier. It was his ex-wife, not Olivia who blamed him. Any reason she could find to pass the blame, Ethan said, she found. Ethan never blamed his ex-wife for anything. Instead, he accepted everything she threw at him until it broke him.

  “And now, I’ve lost everything,” he concluded.

  “You haven’t lost everything. I think if you look around, you’ll find Olivia is still with you.” I wished I could just give him the red monster toy as proof, but I couldn’t. Not yet, anyways.

  “Thank you.” His voice was barely a whisper that carried above the trees. We both were living a life full of uncertainty, but there was one thing I was growing more sure of. His eyes were locked on mine, and I took the moment to lift my hands, placing them around the back of his neck and pulling him towards me. His lips were cold and soft as he kissed me back gently.

  Ethan broke away first. He leaned his head on his arms which were crossed in front of him on top of the table. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  How badly I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that I was a 24-year-old dead girl.

  Instead we sat in silence. I wasn’t sure how to explain that with him, I felt like I finally had answers. December would be quickly approaching, however, reminding me that I didn’t in fact know anything at all.

  CHAPTER 29

  “What the he
ll happened?” My phone had rung five times before 6 a.m. on Monday morning, and I had managed to ignore the first four calls. I groggily rolled over, looked at a number I didn’t recognize, and went against my better judgment by answering. It was Bailey, who immediately released her bottled-up emotions.

  “Do you realize the damage you’ve done?” Her voice was so loud that Burt actually got up and hopped off the bed. She must have found the unchanged ballots at school.

  “Yeah, sorry,” I stammered, trying to clear the exhaustion from my voice. “I was thwarted.”

  “And it never went through your head to find me and tell me? I could have just done it but I wanted to trust you.”

  “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, honestly.” Honestly, I had forgotten everything after running into Ethan.

  “Well, you royally screwed up, and now I have to deal with it.” She was silent, and I thought for sure the line was going to go dead any minute. “You were the one person I could trust,” she added, cutting the line off before I even got the chance to defend myself.

  Whatever, she’d get over it. I guessed she wanted to be on Winter Formal Court and she wasn’t going to get her wish. Boohoo. I had bigger things to deal with. Real problems.

  I didn’t run into Bailey until lunch, when I was surprised that she actually waved me over to her table. Alyssa and Noah were out sick, so I had to take what I could get, even if she was going to berate me in front of the team.

  I took the open seat next to Bailey. The rest of the volleyball players were chatting among themselves. “Don’t get too comfortable,” Bailey said. “You’re not staying long.”

  I guessed I was back to square one, being the shunned outsider once again. I didn’t want to stay anyways, but the only other option was Ethan, and I wasn’t ready to face him since our kiss.

  “Are you even listening?” Bailey was waving her hand back and forth in front of my face.

  “No, actually.” I shook the image of how upset Ethan was after our first kiss from my head. “What were you saying?”

  “The pep rally is after lunch. Think there’s any way we can stall it?” For someone who had access to the whole school, I was surprised she was asking me.

  “Fire alarm, maybe?”

  “Too risky after the last one was pulled.” She shot down my idea immediately. “How are you with passing out?”

  “I mean...I’ve never been told I’m good at it? That’s a strange thing to ask someone.”

  “Forget it.” She shook her head. “This is pointless.”

  “Is it really that big of a deal if me and a few other people win court?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, “This isn’t about you, Abigail. Did you seriously disobey me because you wanted to win?

  “No!” I yelled out angrily, causing a few of the players to look our way. I lowered my voice. “I told you, I was distracted.”

  “Good, because don’t flatter yourself. I needed them changed out for the teacher of the year nomination.”

  “I don’t understand…” I trailed off. “Mr. Nash was the winner for almost all of them. You can’t find a teacher more likeable than that.”

  “Well, clearly you don’t know him the way I do.” Her voice came out in a hiss, and I immediately felt as if I had been punched in the gut. “Because if you did, you’d realize this can’t happen.” She leaned back in her seat, rubbing her eyes, exasperated, before she looked at me and continued. Her voice was a whisper this time. “His daughter died, and the last thing he wants or needs is a breakfast recognizing him on the anniversary of her death.” I didn’t get the chance to process what she was saying or even respond. She was already getting up from the table.

  “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have fifteen minutes to figure out a plan, thanks to your complete lack of desire to help anyone other than yourself.”

  I was left sitting there, hurt for multiple reasons. She couldn’t have been any farther from the truth. I didn’t care about myself, I cared about Ethan and the rest of the damn school. So much so that I would even die for them. Who cares though, no one would ever know that. At this rate, they wouldn’t even care.

  I kept my head down while at the table, feverishly texting Alyssa to ask if she was up. Luckily, none of the other girls at the table seemed to pay any attention to the fact that I remained sitting there.

  The bell finally rang. When I exited the lunchroom, the last thing I saw was Bailey crouching next to Ethan at his table, talking feverishly with their bowed heads together.

  I erased the image from my head as I joined the throng of excited seniors heading to the assembly. Someone grabbed my elbow as we neared the doors to enter. It was Thorton.

  “Sit with me since the other bozos aren’t here today.” I followed her to a seat near the front. The ninety-some seniors in our class had naturally gravitated towards the back. I gave a head nod to Chase, who was sitting in the first seat we passed. He didn’t acknowledge us or move his legs to let us in.

  “He’s so weird,” Thorton said loudly enough for Chase to hear after we had to crawl over him. He gave no indication that he had heard.

  “He’s nice,” I shot back.

  “Well, it could be worse.” Thorton pointed at Matt, who jogged over to the seat right next to us. Despite being an armrest apart, he still found a way to encroach on my space. He stretched his legs out so that they were underneath my seat as he leaned back and smirked at me.

  “Just kick him.” Thorton said as she rolled her eyes at him.

  “Hello, seniors!” Mr. Medina’s voice rang through the auditorium, causing a hush to fall over the crowd. “Congratulations on making it to the end of the year. We are a little under one month away until Winter Break, and you all know what that means.”

  “Santa Claus!” someone in the crowd yelled out, which was met with a few chuckles.

  “Santa Claus. And when you return, it’ll be officially the last year of your high school career.”

  His words created a pit in my stomach so intense that for a moment I thought I was going to throw up all over the burgundy upholstered seats. Not to mention, my nerves were already shot for when I’d have to take the stage with the other nominees. I hoped I’d be able to retain at least a little color in my cheeks, since I had neglected to put on makeup that morning.

  “Now, I know the real reason you all are here is for the Winter Formal court nominees.”

  “No. It’s because we’re forced,” Thorton muttered under her breath, and to my surprise Matt actually laughed.

  “But before we get to that, we want the seniors to hear the winner of the Teacher of the Year nominee. We’re doing this in part because nearly all of you voted for him. He’s an exemplary employee, a great mentor, and someone who has gone above and beyond for each and every one of you. I’m not just pleased to call him one of my best hires--”

  “Take that, Mrs. Kaiser,” Matt audibly said, shooting a glance in the direction of where she was sitting.

  “--I’m also pleased to call him one of my good friends. Mr. Ethan Nash.” The whole class exploded with applause, several getting to their feet.

  This was not good. I looked around in a panic, trying to catch a glimpse of him to make sure he was okay.

  “Now, I know you would have liked to see his face when he won, but he had some business to attend to, which shouldn’t surprise any of you, since he’s always doing more than what’s expected. He’ll try and make it before the assembly is done.”

  The students who had stood up took their seats, many fidgeting anxiously as they waited for their names to be called for court. No one was more excited than Matt, who was standing even before Mr. Medina read his name, inviting him on the stage as the first official nominee.

  By the time my name was called, there were already seven others up there, including both CC’s--and no Bailey.

  I took a spot on the very end, as far away from Matt as I could get. I knew how these things worked. Those in the court would eventua
lly have to couple up, and it seemed like the voting favored couples. I had a feeling Matt and I were assumed to be a couple, but I was going to do what I could to stop that. Let the CC’s go with him. I flashed a smile at Nick, the class valedictorian who was standing next to me, instead.

  My sash had barely been put on when the class had erupted into applause again. This time nearly all of the seniors were standing. I couldn’t be that popular, could I? It didn’t take long for me to realize they were clapping for the person behind me. Ethan had entered the stage from behind the curtains.

  He took the spot next to me as the last few claps echoed through the auditorium. When I finally gained the courage to look up at him, I was shocked. I let my eyes travel from his disheveled hair to the dark bags under his eyes that stood out more than ever before. His face was pale, as if he had just seen a ghost. For once it wasn’t me, the ghost he never even knew he was standing next to.

  CHAPTER 30

  Another week had passed. Winter was growing closer, and the last place I expected to find myself was drinking root beer floats with Ethan at Flamingles.

  I ran my fingers over the soft feathers of the monster that I kept tucked away in my purse, as if, by touching it, I would have all the answers for the future. Was I finally ready to explain just who I was to Ethan? How could you make someone understand something that you yourself didn’t get? There were too many uncertainties. I zipped my purse quickly as Ethan returned from the bathroom.

  “Sorry about that.” He slipped into the booth across from me, taking a sip of his root beer float as our eyes connected. “So where were we?”

  That was the million dollar question which never seemed to have an answer. I wanted an answer about the assembly and Bailey, but Ethan had deliberately avoided me all week. I needed to know Bailey’s secrets. She could very well be the one standing with a gun at the end of all of this. I still wasn’t ruling anyone out.